• Member Since 12th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen September 11th

Comet Burst


The man without a plan.

E
Source

You may never have heard of him, but Dr. Caballeron is one of the most infamous treasure hunters in the world. As a pony whose whole purpose in life is to loot ancient artifacts for bits, you would assume he is an arrogant, prideful and smug pony who you would love to buck in the face; and you'd be mostly right.

Still, even a pony like that can swallow his pride when he needs help, and there is nopony he can trust more than his former partner, Ms. Daring Do.


Proofread by Feather Scratch, the authority on all things Daring Do.
Also, now part of Twilight's Library.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

Strange it says three comments, but I don't see it. Also I was wondering when someone would make a fic with him as the main character.

Edit: Nevermind it's been fixed.

3976853
The three were from my proofreader. I rid the story of them to make it nice and clean.

This was good, I liked it.

Wow, this looks to be shaping up quite nicely! Can't wait to read the rest of it, when it's done.
Good luck with EFNW'14! :pinkiehappy:

P.S. PMing you some errors, I'd rather not mar your story with them.

Holy shit...

This was incredible.

I'm so glad Einhander suggested it to me...

Edit: Downvoted? C'mon guys, that's just dumb!

~Skeeter The Lurker

...Oh what the hell. This is too good not to add.

24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png

Edit: Downvoted? C'mon guys, that's just dumb!

~Skeeter The Lurker

3978585

Indeed!

~Skeeter The Lurker

Wow, this story, this story.
I cannot contain the absolute glee I am feeling right now. I loved the character of Caballeron (and who he was based on) and it bummed me out that he didn't seem to leave a mark on the fandom. I am just so happy that a story with him has been written. and with the idea that he and Daring where once partners in the past (my personal headcanon as well), I swear this is going to be amazing! I would do a full out review, but it's 1am where I am and I'm exhausted. So, expect one by tomorrow evening, because I will write one out, I just love this so much already!

There is one thing I wanted to bring up: either you're Spanish translations are incorrect or, what you wrote in Spanish is not what you meant to write. Almost all of it is grammatically correct, but there was one sentence Caballeron said that even took me a second read through to figure out what he wanted to say, and I speak the darn language haha (I'm Peruvian, in case you were wondering). It's this line:

Pero señorita, mirada a ello más cerca: Please Miss, look at it closer

First of all: 'Pero' means but, not 'please'. 'Please' would be 'por favor'.
(Unless this sentece was supposed to be a question. If that's the case, it's still incorrect, but you're a lot closer to it's correct form.)
Second: "mirada a ello" is not in the right tense, and not exactly the right wording. You would use 'miralo' if what you wanted Caballeron to say is "look at it". So that sentence, if you wanted 'but', would be:

"Pero señorita, miralo mas cerca."

If you wanted 'please':

"Por favor, señorita; miralo mas cerca."

Oh and

En el peligro se conoce el amigo: In danger the friend is met

It wouldn't be 'met', it would be 'find', the meaning of the word "conocer" changes depending if it's in the regular or irregular form. So the idiom would be: "In danger, you find the friend" or "In danger, you find your friend". It would be saying when in danger you realize ('find' kinda like 'find out') who is your friend. I hope that made sense hehe. Spanish is kinda hard to describe since it can become as complex as English sometimes, add to the fact that most of the time the sentence structure is the 'opposite" to how one speaks in English. I hope I was able to help, and I really do hope you continue this story! I would totally keep reading if you do. This is a really interesting story; it has a lot of potential and you're a great writer, so I have no doubts that wherever this story goes (if it goes) it's gonna be one heck of a fun ride :pinkiesmile:.
I wish you luck, and have a good night (or day depending, on where you live.)

~Leapingriver

3979174
.... I'm sorry. I don't actually know any Spanish myself even though I live in Florida (I took French in high school), so I will edit that.

Caballeron is one of those characters where we get just information to tantalize and inspire, but not so much that his character is locked in. You've made masterful use of him here. I especially love his reason for opposing Ahuizotl. What's the point of being a for-profit tomb raider if there's no economy to profit off of?

Most enjoyable. Thank you for this story. :twilightsmile:

3979836 It's fine, you don't have to be sorry, it's not like I wa offended or anything haha. Let me just say though: Google Translate is NOT your friend. I'm sorry if I'm assuming wrong here, but it needs to be said. Google translate does exact translations, and is very rigid in its translations. It doesn't take into account the meaning of the sentence very well and leads to common mistakes like the ones you made. It's a good place to start, but never solely rely on Google Translate. Find someone who can speak the language, look on Spanish translation sites, education Spanish websites, just something so you aren't only using GT. Also, it would be good if you give a specific dialect and have him speak like natives to the country do, using their slang of their versions of a word. In Peru we call popcorn cancha, in Ecuador they call it canga, and in Colombia (I think) they call it plumitas blanca de maíz. So it would give a nice authentic touch to his character if you pick a specific dialect. (Not that a majority of people would notice, but it is definitely a pleasure for bilinguals when they see such careful detail).

Why would you need to know Spanish if you live in Florida? I know it's a popular spot for Hispanics, but are there really so many that its an anomaly that you don't speak it? French is still a cool language. I took it in middle school; don't remember a lot of it anymore though

Anywho, glad to have helped :twilightsmile: if you ever need help with Spanish dialogue my door is always open.

I like the writing done here. Not very many entries can match your quality. I find the story to be good but I believe that the idea of making the main character into a more favorable light wasn't even needed and was obviously tacked on later because you were running out of words and you had to include it at some point. Interestingly enough, for the prompt, it means that the real effort is put into the brief idea that he desires to make friends with Daring Do at some point in the future. It doesn't have to be a redemption story like so many others believe the prompt has to be. I approve of this story. 9/10.

3978542
Einhander suggested this?

Shit, now I have to read it.

Wow, this is great.

Is there going to be a part 2??

You worked that chemistry like it was science class! :heart:

This story was so perfect that the two grammar mistakes I saw were the only detractors:

resting place of an pony

"a" pony

but if I never see you again after Ahuizotl plans succeed,

"Ahuizotl's" plans succeed

Other than that, as I said: perfect, almost to the point that an actual adventure following it would be at greater risk of ruining the feel rather than improving upon it (that's supposed to sound like a good thing, I swear).

This was awesome.

Ahuizotl won't be able to take control away Celestia even if he had the artifact.
Still he might be able to use the power for something else which is also dangerous.

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