Chapter 3: Starswirl
This chapter was edited by NewKidOnTheBlock.
???’s POV 1,203 years ago
My pickaxe struck the stone, pulling out the gems that it contained. Lifting a grey hoof I wiped some sweat off of my brow as I set my pick down. I’d been in these caves for so long that I couldn’t even tell you the date. The only form of time I knew was the wake up call and curfew. It was a boring monotonous existence that rarely changed. The last time something a bit exciting happened was when one of the other slaves had found a particularly large gem cache. That was a good day. We got actual food then.
Food.
My stomach growled as I heard the whistle that signaled that our shift was done for the day. I slung my pickaxe over my shoulder and started down the tunnels that led towards the exit. The other workers did the same and we passed by Diamond Dog guards who kept their eyes on me.
That was a major downside of being the only unicorn in the mines. The Dogs always made you work the most. Mainly it was from the Patriarch of the Dogs making me use magical detections spells to try to locate gems. It never worked no matter how much I tried to modify the spell.
When I noticed one of the dogs approaching me I stopped in my tracks. “Pony, you get new slaves working.” I sighed mentally while nodding. It wasn’t uncommon that some of the slaves had to show the new ones the rules around the mines. As long as they didn’t cause trouble then they’d be promised 3 meals a day, if you could call the gruel they serve us food, and a place to sleep.
The dog started down the tunnels pushing past slaves who hadn’t moved out of the way fast enough. I followed closely giving apologetic looks towards those that had been shoved aside.
I was led by the dog towards a cell located, to those that knew the caves as well as I did, near the surface. The dog opened the cell door before pulling out two hairless bipeds. They were resisting his grip for a moment before he tossed them towards me. I reacted a second too late and the creatures fell on top of me. A groan of pain escaped my lips as I felt them land on me along with similar sounds coming from the two that landed on me.
“You follow pony. He show you work,” the dog said before walking away. The two creatures began shifting around on my back until they finally got off of me.
“Did that thing say that we’re supposed to follow a pony, Becks?” one of the creatures said to the other.
“Umm...was he talking about this one?” the other asked. By their tones I deduced that it was female and the other was male.
“Yes, he was talking about me,” I said with a groan as I got to my hooves. Looking at the creatures I saw that they had looks of
confusion and fear on their faces.
“Beckii, did it just talk?” the male asked its, now that I looked closer at it, twin.
“Yes, yes he did,” she replied looking less scared now and more intrigued. Her twin, however, was not.
“Why is that horse talking? Where the hell are we?!” he shouted until his twin hit him in the back of the head.
“Calm down, Tomas. I know you’re scared but we can’t go crazy now,” She said condescendingly as the creature, now identified as Tomas, rubbed the back of his head where he was hit.
“Ow, Beckii! Did you have to hit me?”
“Yes.”
With that she looked over at me with an apologetic smile on her face. “Forgive my brother. He’s kind of apprehensive about where we are.”
I shook my head slowly. “He should be. Welcome to the Diamond Dogs mines. You are now like me. A slave to the dogs,” I said solemnly.
Shock was etched onto their faces at my words. I didn’t want to lie to them. I started down the hallway explaining what was expected of them now that they were slaves and how to make life bearable while they were here. Out of all the questions they could have asked me, the first one surprised me.
“What’s your name?”
No one had bothered to ask me my name in a long time preferring to call me ‘Hairless’ or, in the case of the dogs, ‘horned pony’.
“My name’s Starswirl.”
Robert Lutece’s POV, Present time
I looked over at my sister with a raised eyebrow. Had Celestia really forgotten the date? That was unlike her considering that she normally spend this day remembering him. “Does she not know what the date is?” I asked my sister.
“It seems so, although we could have arrived early.” She replied reaching into her jacket and pulling out a pocket watch. It was made of pure mithril and had the same images as the Silver Eagle had on both sides of it. Pressing the button Rosalind opened the watch and examined the insides.
On the inside of the cover was a picture of 4 people. Me, Rosalind, and two unicorns; a pink one and a grey one. I smiled slightly at the picture remembering the fun we had together. On the other half where the clock proper were many circles that were divided into sectors with several colored circles moving around it. There were several runes and other symbols that moved around the face changing every few seconds. Too anyone else it would just look like an interesting piece of art, but to us it was a watch perfect for traveling the multiverse.
“No we’re on time. She’s just forgotten,” she said, closing the pocket watch and turning to face Celestia. “I’m surprised you have. I was under the opinion that she cared much for him.”
“She cared a lot about him,” I said as we started a common argument about grammar. In all honesty, it didn’t matter, but it helped pass the time. This time, however, she didn’t press the argument.
“I see what you mean,” she said while many of the guards and both princesses looked confusedly at each other. I resisted the urge to facepalm. Was it really that hard for Celestia or Luna to remember the date?
“It’s painfully obvious,” I said to them. Turning to a random guard I asked, “Miss, can you please tell me the date?”
She was confused by my question, that much was obvious by the look on her face, but the guard lady replied, “It’s the 15th of Starilliuss.” Both Celestia’s and Luna’s eyes widened as they heard the date.
“Yes, thank you, miss, It’s the 15th of Starillius. Aka-”
“-The Deathday of Starswirl the Bearded,” Celestia interrupted with a grim look on her face.
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Shocker
This plot is getting fat, like a turkey.
Which I will proceed to kill and have sex with.
That's right, I'm going to FUCk the story turkey.
im going to guess that the twins had something to do with the death of starswirll
4120239 ...
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
4120236
Is that sarcasm
LOVE
! MORE!!
4120273
As I'm typing this with 1 hand, quite a lot I imagine.
Plus, I'm a twitch commentator.
4120239 well better that then the fear turkey
4120322
I already fucked that.
4120239 HA Hellsing Abridged! I Love You.
4120273
4120335
I am NOT going to watch this.
To quote many, many people in my life, "I'mma nope the FUCK out of here.'
4120342 but its awesome...and funny..very funny.
4120305
By the Nine...
4120353 NOPE!
4120284 I'm surprised ok
Nice, an update!!! :D
Furthermore, this would be interesting if our characters met because in my story my main character actually was Star Swirl the Bearded...
4120536
Well then, it might work after I finish the Ddog arc and the already planned crossover with an armored friend
4120545
Interesting. Anyway, I need to get caught up in my story as well. Finals have been keeping me busy. I'm not sure how either character would react when meeting, though...
After reading the first three chapters of this story I found the story hard to follow, the story seems to be jumping around a lot without any clear plot line, at least one that I can see. For me everything is moving to fast, the constant back and forth nature of the story from past to present, it feels like your throwing in whatever idea pops into your head, I feel the back and forth nature of the story could be done better if the chapters where longer in if each chapter was set in a single time frame alternating from past to present.
The quick fire way the events occurring one after the other with nothing being explained in them makes it difficult to get a read on the characters, i.e. in the first chapter their was very little in the way of character development in what is the pivotal establishment of your story and the rapid change in character of Tom and Beckie from the past to the future didn't allow any time at all to process what had happened to them when they where first transported to Equestria, so far I haven't seen much in the character development for what I assume to be the main characters, Tom and Beckie, they've only had a few lines of dialog and the only things I know of them is that:
1) Tomas is more likely to panic than Beckie
2) Tomas and Beckie where slaves
3) They took on the personalities of the Lutece twins
4) They did something to scare Luna
I also assume that in the next chapter they will discover their powers with little to no effort and save all the slaves of the diamond dogs with little to no challenge by messing around with things they don't understand, these are all personal opinions from what I have read but I feel they aren't to far off the mark.
Another compliant is that I feel there is a lack of originality in the story structure, love the concept as I haven't seen many bio shock crossovers, the story is starting off like most of the other fic's of the same genre:
1) Transport to past Equesetria by mysterious object that will never be explained
2) Become confused and scared over transportation
3) Do something to incur the hate of the princesses
4) ????
5) Profit
The first two points in a story like this almost needs them as a necessity, the first point is the trademark of how the LOHAV stories always start off and the second point is what is to be expected as human nature, to fear the unknown, this however is where the unoriginality starts, point three, incurring the hate of the princesses, its not to hard to guess that this was because of events leading to Nightmare Moon, in every single LOHAV story I have read incurring the hate of the princesses always happens, be it accidental or purposeful, and as this story is a later addition to the LOHAV universe some originality and verity is to be expected, why cant the twins and princesses be friends? or at least neutral to each other? Now, I might just be making connections that aren't there as their relationship hasn't been confirmed, but it still feels like there is a lack of originality.
Don't take this comment as I hate the story, as I mentioned before I'm glade to see another Bioshock crossover, if I didn't see the potential in this story I wouldn't of taken the time to write out such a lengthy comment instead of just writing, 'this story sucks'. I write this comment in the hopes it can help improve he story and any future ones you might write.
4120239
. . . Sir, there's a grand total of a hundred thousand dimensional cannons locked on to your signature. Please step away from the plot turkey.
4121409
YOU CANNOT COCKBLOCK ME!
EVEN UNTO DEATH!
4121422
-Evil glasses glint-
Now whoever said anything about something as easy as death?
4121409 Your dimensional cannons are weak, and you should feel weak. You need fracture pistols. Because nothing says fuck you, like erasing someone from existence.
4121748
-Raises eyebrow-
Really. They only erase someone from existence? That's all they do?
Pathetic.
It's far to easy of a death. If you really want someone to suffer, try killing them and then erase the 'effect' of killing them. Functionally, they still die, but without the death. Their soul wanders aimlessly throughout the multiverse, endlessly dying an infinite amount of deaths, never to cease its torment.
4121783 Imagine your entire being shattering an infinite number of times for the entirety of ever. Now condense that into one nanosecond and multiply it by cancer.
4121422
I'm prepared to make a deal with you.
I'll help you obtain the plot turkey if I can have the plot turkey bones and at the very least one leg.
Yes. I think it is a good deal no? Yes.
4125447
Alright. I don't eat turkey, I screw them instead.
4125563
That's okay. I'd eat my piece and then you can continue to sex your piece
.... Okay- I admit I said You should take your time with this... but I thought we would get about double the chapter as well. I know I sound like a bad guy by saying this- but I expected a bit more from this chapter. The Quality is great- although hard to keep up with, due to the lack of QUANTITY- or SUBSTANCE in this story... Honestly- I think I will ignore this story for six months- and then in September I'll come back to it and read 6,000 to 7,000 words worth of a story. At this rate man (again- I mean you no ill will) you aren't going to finish this story until the fandom is long since dead.... that is my honest opinion.
Sorry if I come off a bit rude- but I really only want you to do this story a bit better. If you sit on it for far to long you lose sight of what you were looking for- and drop it.
4120335 NOPE!
*Turns around and walks the fuck out*
4120335
update?
4242713
Working on it.
So, Lutece twins, how does it feel to be canon?
4284144
I must say that I am surprised that we found the Prime Universe for this section of the Multiverse.
It was a very....interesting experience, having hooves.
It did take us a bit for us to be walking as well as we were.
But we got it down none the less.
4121248
I thought that I had replied to this earlier, but it seems that I haven't.
First off, I would like to thank you on your detailed criticism you gave me that wasn't a long hate rant. I haven't gotten many comments like yours that can tell me how to improve in a good manner and I sincerely thank you for that.
Secondly, I apologize if the story is bouncing back and forth with not much being explained. I am trying to fix that now. Also I am in the process of revising the first chapter in order to give them more characterization in the begining to compare to them now.
Thirdly, when I first made this fic Villainous was the only League of Humans Acting at the time and I just hopped on the bandwagon. Although after working on the next chapter and what I am having as the main plotline I am making their relationship with the Princesses a strained neutrality. Emphasis on strained.
Finally, I am currently taking your advice to heart and working on making a longer chapter for the next one. However, while I have everything planned out for the chapter I have been having problems with how to put it to words. Hopefully, you'll like the new chapter better once it's done.
4318455 thank you for taking my critique into consideration and I cant wait to see where this story goes.
4321092
You're welcome, I read every comment and try to improve according to what they say
Spy11887
4318455 I do not feel worthy of such high praise, In a previous comment I stated that you lacked originality and would like to retract my statement of such in this comment
4121248
The reason being that I had gone on a spree of reading stories related to the LOHAV series and that had biased (not sure if this is even a word or if I'm using it in the right context) me in the writing of said comment, as I read your story after reading the popular Malideus By Uberdeathninja and F*** it I'm Having Fun by Jimmy the Grape. Both stories are what I feel to be pioneers into the new LOHAV universe at the time and as such hold them in high regard.
These two stories admittedly did a better job of introducing a motive for the princesses hate than you did, at least to me personally, and as they are both some of my most favored stories it was unfair to rate yours compared to theirs. As a critic I should have been solely focused on your story with as little in the way of bias as possible and I feel I failed in that regard as a critic, It should not matter if it was an exact copy to another story in every way but the style it was written in, I should not have had a biased opinion.
The fact that this did occur can be partially attributed to the fact this was one of the fist stories I had ever given a critique for but that is no excuse for how I addressed the perceived issue with the story and as such I want to apologize for doing such and stating that you lacked originality, which after reading through the story again I can say is not the case to the point I made it seem so earlier. It doesn't matter what the theme is, what matters is how it is written.
However in regards to the motive perhaps try to give it a stronger presence in the story as I am still unclear on what the actual motive is, try dropping hints as to what the motive is throughout the story if your saving it for a big reveal. This would keep me and others in suspense and thus keep me interested. If your not saving it for such a purpose try and make it as bright as day without outright saying it. For example, if the motive was because something precious to the princesses was destroyed be it person or object. Instead of saying, "I swear to avenge [object/person] because of [reason] I would instead write, "For your crimes against both my sister and I we will not rest until you are brought before us and face the consequences of your actions. What you did all those centuries ago is unforgivable and unforgettable... no mater how hard we try to do as such. But this issue must be addressed at a latter date as we have much bigger concerns"-Celestia.
This leaves the reason vague enough that if I want to change what the motive is later on in the story I can but gives enough information that the reader knows what happened left a deep impact on both the princesses, enough that there characters do a complete one 180 from kind to cold. I do not recommend that you use this in the story as it is just an example that seemed suitable to explain my point and you should write what you feel fits into the story. However you are welcome to use it if you so wish.
Before I end this I want to once again apologize for how I critiqued your story earlier and I strive not to let it happen again to you or others. I also want to apologize for how long it took me to get around to doing this, at the writing of the last comment I was approaching my half-yearly exams and completely forgot until got the notification that you replied. Always look forward to what you will write next and I hope I can do better in the future.
Sincerely,
TheMagicalBrony
4321681
I understand that GOOD LoHAV Fics have become hard to find and that the pioneers have done several things better than I have. I know that I'm not an amazing writer. Ideas I can come up with easily, but putting those to words on paper is difficult and oftentimes I mess up along the way.
As for the motive, the sisters are trying to find out why the twins have reappeared again because they always appear before a major event that occurs. They are trying to make the twins explain what they are here for.
4321725 Thank you for explaining the motive however as I stated before I couldn't determine the motive though reading the story and it would be appreciated by myself and others if it was but into the story to avoid needing to ask you about it, and take comfort in knowing that you are a better writer than I.
4321761
Alright, as I am working on the next (longer) chapter I will try to explain the motive a bit more.
do continue
AWESOME.....just.....AWESOME.
4120239 Like I needed that image in my head.
Nice moar plz.
more more more more more more more
Please stop being on Hiatus. Please.
Update soon?
This is a well written story and the Lutece twins are some of my favorite characters, I hope you decide to continue the story.