• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Tayman


I'm not a pony, but I sure act like one.

E
Source

"There's no such thing as a purely happy memory of a lost pony; it will always be laced with a longing that shall never be fulfilled."

Princess Celestia is never seen without a kind, warm smile on her face. Yet, she's over a thousand years old...just over two thousand, to be exact. As an eternal, all powerful ruler, Celestia shows Twilight a secret room and prepares her to deal with inevitable loss. Afterall, as a powerful unicorn, Twilight will also outlive many ponies. She also shares many scenes from her life, to show her faithful pupil exactly what it's like to be her. But why, exactly?

(If you enjoy, please thumbs up and give some brief comments! I'm always looking to improve my writing :) Thanks!)

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 48 )

Not bad:twilightsheepish:, tracking, but here are some things:

She had never received such a letter before, nor had the princess ever spoken to her in such vague language. Celestia was always clear with her. --> But she wasn't very clear, or not clear at all, about her 'making friends so that you can find the elements of harmony and save Luna'.

She knew Celestia purely as a a mentor, but not in depth as a person. --> pony?

"Oh, it's going great! I'm learning a lot, and I've met a lot of great people." Twilight beamed. "But I'm afraid I can't stay and chat. The princess said she wanted to see me as soon as possible." --> pony?

there are a few other instances where that happens, and some where your lied should have been lay. Lied means to tell a falsehood.

Twlight. I know you're rather obtuse when it comes to personal matters, and indeed, anything you can't find in a book. But some things just go without saying.

HUG THE BITCH.:facehoof:

356717

I agree; this shows promise but I noticed the same mistakes. While there are some ponified words you can get away with (e.g. handle, personnel), most of them should be ponified.

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I just did a quick run through of what I have so far and tried to ponify as much as I could (although I probably missed a bit, was in a bit of a hurry). I've also added a little more to the story so far. Any comments on the story itself?

you should defiantly continue jus as sead befor look out for those small mis-haps:twilightsmile:

I think this shows great promise. Do you have an idea how many chapters your gonna make it be? I think it would be an awesome long story if done right.

The only thing that stuck out at me was when you said: "Twilight could look out over one of the branching streets of Canterlot; she chuckled at the sight of various high class ponies below whose mouths were agape, presumably from the sight of such a common pony walking with the princess!"

I very much doubt the Canterlot ponies would be surprised seeing Twilight with the Princess. I mean she is her personal student and all (Plus she's saved Equestria twice and been publicly rewarded.)

One more thing: Something didn't sit right when you mentioned how long regular ponies live. It just seemed a little too long to me. But thats it.

Good job anyways and keep writing.

this reminds me of a song im writing,
"though seeming glad like all is well
this happy face hides living hell
you couldn't see through all the glee
that underneath iim just a shell"

though completely out of character for both ponies, this is a very entertaining story:twilightsmile:

357687

Thank you! I'll probably add a couple more chapters at least. I haven't decided if I want to have flashbacks into Celestia's past or not. Not sure if they'd fit the story at this point.

And that's a good point about Twilight walking with Celestia. I'll have to fix that at some point.

Also, chapter one is officially DONE! I may add a bit here in there if I feel Celestia's dialogue needs more fleshing out, but for now it's done!

It's good! Keep it coming

A great improvement on an already excellent chapter. Srsly, you nearly brought me to tears with this one.:fluttercry:

Might want to delete and re-add chapter 2 as well.

And just to ask: Is it worth rereading this in the newly edited state, or is it mostly just grammar/spelling corrections?

370561

Definitely check out the revised chapter. After Twilight arrives at the castle, everything is completely different from the original.

370561
Sorry for the double reply.

I replaced the text of the original chapter one with the revised version There's only one chapter one on display now, and it's the newest (and best) version. I hope you enjoy it :)

Meeester
Moderator

So much b'aww. Very well written!

This is a great story, keep it up! :twilightblush:

Meeester
Moderator

Aww :pinkiesad2:

Great chapter. I think you depicted Celestia very well for how she would be in establishing Equestria.

Sunlight sparkled in through through ceiling high windows - second through should be the, or at least I assume it should be. I think you have one more double word in there somewhere too

Wait... so this is what Twilight is seeing through Celestia's magic? Took me a second to catch on (I was like... wait chapter 1 said that she didn't take apprentices that way anymore, then I realized Dazzle was one of them)

Just one note: Celestia would never say "I" in the Royal Canterlot Voice. Part of using the voice means that she will always be referring to herself using the "Royal We"

However, it is well written otherwise. Although, I do hope you start throwing in some more links to Twilight's reactions while she sees these stories unfold. Right now you're just telling the stories just because, not linking them to the first chapter in any way, which it feels like you should be doing.

378778

Yes, that's right. She's showing Twilight a series of scenes from her life. My plan is to use the stories as a framing device, like the Canterbury Tales. At some point I'll probably add a reaction from Twilight and discussion with Celestia between the memories.

Not just a faceless princess in the mountains anymore, am I?

During this time period, wouldn't they be living in the palace in Everfree?

379712

Hmm, where do you get this from? Is it mentioned in the show at some point? I'm not seeing it on the FIM Wiki page.

378842

Personally, I imagine the "royal we" being something only Luna does.

379747

http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Friendship_is_Magic,_part_2
"...the elements' last known location is in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters in the Everfree Forest." (emphasis mine)

380517

Ah. Well, I'll have to decide if I want to alter the description of the city to show it's in the forest, or just disregard the canon. I don't think the location of the city is important to this type of story. But sharp eye!

380560

I'd recommend sticking with the canon, if for no other reason than to help enhance the change in time as Celestia saw it. All Twilight saw was a decrepit ruin where she did battle against a fearsome foe. To see it nascent and lively, a time when the Everfree wasn't as wild, that would jar her all the more.

I dunno... I like the addition... but I don't like the fact that there was NO joy in this chapter, it sounds like Celestia's on a permanent downer from what you put in there. Maybe just my interpretation, and maybe it's because she was at a semi-formal event just meeting them... but...

382863

Well, I wanted to imply in chapter two that Celestia occasionally feels a little nihilistic. I tried to illustrate this by the thoughts that crept into her head in the end. It's supposed to be a fun time and happy time, but Celestia can't shake the thought that everypony in the room, including her students will all be dead as soon as she knows it. That's what I was getting at when I had Twilight think But Ultimately, what was the point? By recalling that memory, Celestia has the same mood as she did during the ceremony. Does that make sense? Or am I being a little too subtle in implying that in the chapters?

Nah, I get it. I'm just saying, while she has these nihilistic feelings, I figured a "beginning" is the time where she would feel a significant amount of joy, even if it WAS alongside these other feelings. As I said, mostly my interpretation and opinion. Not really... criticizing... just putting my thoughts out to possibly help others figure out what they actually think about the chapter.

382935

Are you still talking about chapter two, or chapter three where she first starts ruling? Remember, in chapter two she states that this is the 200th introduction ceremony she has attended, which would be at least 1000 years into her rule. This is after she banished Luna to the moon, contributing even more to her loneliness.

382948 Ya, and I understand that. As I said, I pretty much understand where you're coming from. Especially since this is the VERY beginning of this relationship. I'm sure much of the joy she'd get would be from the years following, especially now as I've thought about this a little more.
One question: Is Twilight feeling what she, personally (ponyally?), thinks she should, or is she feeling what Celestia DID feel at that time?

383001

I wouldn't say she is directly feeling what Celestia is feeling, but she gets the "essence" of what she's feeling, if that makes sense. Plus, she can directly hear Celestia's thoughts.

Also, what relationship do you mean? The one between Celestia and Twilight? And do you mean the years following the beginning of her rule?

383014 The relationship between Celestia and the students. She's meeting them for the first (or maybe near first) time. So she knows this is the beginning of the end. We all know that she must get joy from her time with them eventually, or she wouldn't still be taking students.

Like I said, now that I've thought about it, it would make sense to say that the 2 saddest times for Celestia would be the 2 times you've shown through this story, the very beginning and the very end. In the beginning, she doesn't have the "past experiences" to look forward to having again (as you explained in chapter 1), and at the end (before they die), she doesn't have the ability to look forward to more future experiences.

383033

Ah, wow. I'm dumb.

Hmm. You bring up an interesting point. Right now, I want to chalk it up to simply a moment of weakness on Celestia's part. The mind is a fickle thing. Even if she has a certain attitude (to revel in the good times, like she told Twilight) sometimes sad thoughts/feelings can creep up on us for no reason, no matter how joyous the occasion. Perhaps I could have Celestia explain this to Twilight, as well as inject a bit more optimism and chapter two and mention that Luna is gone.

Thank you for the comments, they are really helping! :)

383062 That's why I figured I'd keep replying. We weren't arguing, we were more.... fleshing out what needed to be understood.

I'm glad to be of service :twilightsmile:

Meeester
Moderator

i believe its difficult to properly write for a character struggling this much. you do it very well with celestia here. excellent work!

...why is everything out of order...it's very hard to keep it all straight.:unsuresweetie:

387017

I've gone back to fill in some gaps after the fact, such as Twilight's reaction after chapter 2, and I thought the story needed a better hook, so I wrote a prologue. Is there any way to reorder the chapters?

387022

That explains it...but really, I have no idea if that's possible. It should be; I've seen others with everything all out of place.

this made me grin, I love these sorts of development

You derped the chapters (Chapter 2.5 is listed after 3)

412906

That's because I added chapter 2.5 after chapter 3 and I don't know how to change the order of chapters.

Meeester
Moderator

"Lucky April, she probably gets to sleep like this every night."
Why do I feel like this will lead to a sad development...
The chapter felt short, but it was very satisfying. It set up for a lot more story telling :D

413270 Cut and paste each chapter into something to keep them with, and then paste and post each chapter in the right order.

415850 Basically this. It will leave your comments out of order, but they will still be intact.

The derped order really messes up the story,

Wait... Why is this cancelled? :applecry:

777252

Hehe, because it was bad, and I've moved on to other, better stuff.

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