Colts Will be Colts
Big Macintosh, Chief of the Ponyville Fire Brigade, was given the unenviable task of training the new recruits.
He scratched his beard with a hoof as he contemplated the lineup of colts standing before him. More like young stallions, he decided. They all had cutie marks, responsibilities, and some sort of plan for the future. Even if that future didn’t extend much past getting back home to plug in their Famicolt 64 games.
He stomped a hoof on the ground to get their attention, and only found himself slightly successful. Pipsqueak, Featherweight, and Rumble all but snapped to attention, but Snails’ blank gaze remained in the middle-distance. Snips and Button Mash were in the midst of a heated discussion on whether the game in Button’s Joyboy was the best in the series or the worst.
Spike was late. Again.
“Ah-hem!” Big Mac narrowed his eyes as the two arguing colts finally gave him their notice. “Ah think it’s tahm to get started.”
Button rapidly tapped his Joyboy. “Come on, save! Save! Darn you and your lengthy cut-scenes!”
Big Mac stood over the young stallion, his shadow falling across Button’s face. Button mutely set his game on the ground and grinned a half-smile. “H-hey, Chief. We ready to start?”
“Eeyup.” Big Mac traveled down the line, sizing up what he had to work with. Button Mash was fit enough, despite the fact that his favorite activity lacked much real “activity.” “Who can tell me what we talked ’bout last week?”
Rumble’s muscular foreleg shot into the air without a second thought. Now there was a pony who could pull his own weight, and probably that of seven others. “How each type of pony can assist with the water, Chief!”
Big Mac nodded. “And how’s that?”
Featherweight lifted his spindly leg. It looked thin enough to snap in a stiff wind. “Pegasi can push clouds around.”
Pipsqueak stood up, his head only just meeting the height of Rumble’s shoulder. “We earth ponies are strong enough to haul big, heaping cartloads of the stuff around, Chief.”
Mac’s eyes drifted to Pip’s legs, leading him to debate just how much of a load they could actually pull. He turned to the still spaced-out Snails and sighed through his nose. “Snails? How ’bout you?”
Snails blinked and turned lethargically towards Big Mac. “Huh?”
Big Macintosh rolled his shoulders. “Snails, what’re you thinkin’ ’bout?”
Snails smiled. “I was just thinking about why the sky’s blue, Chief.”
Everypony failed in their attempts to hold back snickers.
“I mean, if the sun is a disc hanging on the firmament, then maybe the sky is blue because that’s the color on its surface.” Snails’ brow furrowed. “But if the sun is actually a celestial object, then its rays shining through the atmosphere and reflecting off air particles might make the sky look blue.” He shrugged. “It really depends on what theory of the world you subscribe to.”
Silence fell over their little corner of the park. Big Mac knelt down to pluck a blade of grass and stuck it in his mouth. “Snails?”
The lanky, orange colt smiled. “Yeah, Chief?”
The blade of grass trailed a path from one side of Macintosh’s mouth to the other. “Do y’think you could keep yer mind on here and now? Just maybe?”
Snails smiled. “Oh. Yeah, sure, Chief!”
Big Mac grunted. “How does a unicorn help in a fahr emergency?”
“Pumps water through the hoses.” Snails raised his eyebrows expectantly, which Big Mac answered with a nod.
“Today,” Macintosh said, “we’re gonna be goin’ over the finer details of CPR.”
Snips chuckled, his rotund belly jiggling. He nudged Snails on the ribs. “Muchas Smoochas!”
Button Mash flexed his foreleg. “Don’t worry, babe! I know exactly what to do.”
Chief Macintosh smirked. “Ah’m gonna split yah into teams of two fer this exercise.”
Button and Snips fell silent as certain implications fluttered their way into their brains.
“Button, Snips”—Big Mac held back a devious chuckle—“yer on a team.”
The two colts looked at each other with hair-raising panic. While they were busy losing their minds, Big Mac separated the others. “Rumble, yer with Snails. Pip, Featherweight, yer next.”
“Hay, guys! Sorry I’m late!” The tapping of claws on pavement drew their attention to a large, purple-and-green shape plodding its way down the path. A hefty tail wagged behind an amethyst rump as a dragon walked up to Big Mac. “Twilight was, um… You know. Studying.
“Studying how to create abominations of science,” he muttered under his breath.
Spike the Dragon, when standing on his hind legs, had finally managed to grow tall enough to bump a head-spike on Macintosh’s chin. He did so, then shuffled back a few feet. “Sorry I’m late. Sorry.”
Big Mac sighed through his nose. “Spike, you can hand out the dummies.”
“Heh, dummies,” Snips laughed in relief. “Right.”
“I-I knew it was dummies,” Button said. “The whole time.”
The blade of grass slid its way to the middle of Mac’s mouth. “Find the middle of the dummy’s chest and press down as hard as you can. You’re givin’ their heart a jolt, not a massage.”
The colts went to work, with varying degrees of success. Rumble was able to push the chest down nearly far enough to be respectable, but the combined efforts of Featherweight and Pipsqueak fell woefully short. Each push bounced them off of the dummy’s chest, leaving their faux patient unattended. And probably dead.
“Hold on, guys. Spike an’ ah’ll demonstrate the proper way tah perform CPR.” Big Mac pointed at the rubber dummy. “Spike, find the center of the pony’s chest, got it?”
Spike positioned his fists above the dummy and looked up at Macintosh. “Like this?”
Mac nodded, and Spike pressed down. His purple claws, rather than simply press the firm yet pliant material down, punched a hole right through the dummy’s chest.
Rumble’s jaw dropped. Snips held his hoof over his mouth as his cheeks bulged. Button’s face scrunched up as he cringed mightily. Pipsqueak, being the quintessential Trottingham gentlecolt, lolled his tongue out in disgust. Featherweight’s eyes rolled back as he tumbled backwards.
Snails stared at something in the middle-distance.
A bird chirped cheerfully to its fellows. Big Mac sighed. “Spike…”
The dragon looked up as he chewed on his lower lip. “Yeah, Chief?”
“Could you do us all a favor and not perform CPR? On anypony? Ever?”
“Yeah, Chief.”
Big Macintosh stirred in his bed, sighing deeply with a smile on his face. The night had fallen several hours before, draping the lands with its woobie-like embrace. The world was at peace, the animals were quieted, the bells were…
Huh. The fire bell was ringing. Big Mac thought to wring the ringer’s neck. Then he figured he ought to do something about the fire.
Big Mac galloped out the door of the farm house, grabbing a few essentials as he went. A Firepony’s helmet, a fire-resistant coat, an axe to make a beaver weep with envy… that sort of thing. While he raced to the town square, he thought of what members of the Fire Brigade could be waiting for him.
“Caramel’s out of town, Thunderlane’s down with the feather flu again, Magnum recently discovered his repressed pyrophobia—”
He entered the town and nodded. “Figure’s, don’t it?”
Rumble, Featherweight, Snips, Snails, Pipsqueak, Button Mash, and Spike stood at attention, silhouetted against a ball of orange flame.
“Yer orders, Chief?” Snails drawled.
Macintosh looked from the fire team to the blaze behind them. “Take five.”
Snails grin was as wide as a banana split. “Gee, thanks, Chief—”
“And by ‘take five’ ah mean ‘put that dadgum fahr out’!” Big Mac snapped. “Rumble, Featherweight, get some clouds a-brewin’! Snails, Snips, pump water outta the fountain if’n you gotta!” He turned to Spike with a snort. “What’s burnin’?”
The dragon touched the tips of his claws together. “Rnbr drsh’s clerdhrs.”
“Spit it out, boy!”
“Rainbow Dash’s cloudhouse!” Spike wailed. He knelt before Big Mac and grasped at his hooves. “I told Twilight that it was a bad idea to study combustible gasses in an oxygen-rich atmosphere, but she was convinced she was safe because the clouds ‘are water, Spike, don’t be silly’!”
Big Mac blinked. “So that’s a cloudhouse.”
Spike nodded, his eyes watery.
“On fahr.”
Spike nodded a bit more rapidly.
“Ah admit, this is one of the weirder chemical fahrs ah’ve seen.” Big Mac stomped a hoof to get Button and Pip’s attention. “Where are those darned clouds!? Where’s the water!?”
In response, he was drenched from above by Rumble’s overenthusiastic spraying. “At the fahr, Rumble!”
“Sorry, Chief!” the strong pegasus colt said. He grasped the cloud around the middle, spattering a few more precious drops on Big Mac’s head. He squeezed the cloud like a tube of toothpaste and caused a jet of water to appear.
It sprayed away from the fire, naturally.
Snips and Snails carried a snake of water aloft in their telekinetic unicorn magic. Big Mac sputtered. “Where’re the dadgum hoses!?”
Button raised a hoof. “Um. Back at the station, Chief.”
“Then somepony race back there and grab some!” Big Mac booted Button Mash in the general direction of the Ponyville Fire Department. “Snips, toss that water this way!”
Though Big Mac pointed at the conflagration with an outstretched hoof, Snips’ attention was not at all on it. He was, however, paying close attention to both what the voice was saying, and where the voice was located. “Pronto, Chief!”
A shadow fell over Big Macintosh as light was distorted by a stream of water flying right at his chest. “It’s lookin’ lahk one of those days.”
GOOSH
Pipsqueak squinted at the oxidizing cloudhouse. “Chief Macintosh, do cloudhouses have any sort of structural integrity?”
“How should ah know?” Big Mac asked as water dripped from his beard. “Why?”
The cloudhouse groaned as its walls bowed outward.
Pip scrunched his face up. “Because I think the bally thing might collapse soon, wot.”
A screech sang out from within the house. Spike gasped, his eyes growing as large as dinner plates. “Twilight! She’s still in there!”
Overhead, Featherweight tugged a cloud closer to the fire. He heard the scream, followed by Spike’s declaration, and froze. A glint entered his eyes, like the house fire had suddenly made its way into his head. His mouth opened as he bellowed akin to the great minotaur lords of old. He propelled himself forth, spinning like a white and brown drill. He blasted through the side of the house and tore a hole in it. A moment later, he emerged from the other side, an alicorn princess carried in his forelegs.
The jaws of all present dropped to the ground.
Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess of Friendship, gaped at her rescuer. “Y-you saved me!”
“Princess Sparkle,” Featherweight said, his forelegs straining with their burden, “there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you, and I kinda wanna get it out before you almost die again!”
“Holy cow, you saved me!” Twilight blinked and tilted her head. “Holy cow, you saved me?”
She was answered in short order. Featherweight took a breath, puckered his lips, and then pressed them against the princess’ own.
“Dah, guh—” Big Mac blathered. “Well, ah figured that tonight was missin’ somethin’. Turns out that was a harassment lawsuit.” He placed a hoof on his forehead. “Ah ain’t gonna be the one fillin’ out the paperwork this tahm.”
The kiss lasted all of five seconds before the alicorn princess, who was at least three times Featherweight’s body-mass, finally overwhelmed the young stallion’s forelegs. She tumbled to the ground with a shriek, leaving Featherweight to make monkey lips at thin air.
Button Mash trotted up, his back laden with a multitude of fire hoses. “Hay, guys. What did I miss—Whoa!”
The roar of flame ripped through the air as the cloudhouse collapsed completely, disintegrating into tiny puffs of flaming cloud. Silence filled the air as the fire petered out of existence.
“Well, uh… okay?” Button Mash dropped the hoses and grinned up at Macintosh. “Fire’s out, Chief.”
Spike chewed his bottom lip. “Aw, man. Rainbow Dash is never gonna let us housesit ever again.”
Big Macintosh, Fire Chief of the Ponyville Fire Brigade, narrowed his eyes at the emblem above the stage. It was a red circle, with orange/yellow flames dancing within. Across the bottom was written in a flowery script: Non Ardet Equis.
“Equis Collisio et Combustio,” he replied to the sign. He lifted a medal in his hooves and placed it against a green chest. “Spike, for soundin’ the alarm and causing the least amount of collateral damage, ah am pleased to welcome you into the Ponyville Fahr Brigade.”
Spike grinned at Twilight, who smiled encouragingly. Her seat was suspiciously as far away from Featherweight’s as possible. That is, on the completely opposite side of the auditorium.
Button Mash munched on some popcorn he had smuggled into the ceremony. “Huh, you know what?”
Pipsqueak snatched a kernel away from Button and tossed it into his mouth. “What’s that, chap?”
Button Mash hid the snack bag from sight as Thunderlane trotted past. “Spike, the fire-breathing dragon, is the only one of us that’s actually a real firefighter now.”
Pip thought for a moment, his brown eyes glancing about the hall. “Well, blow me down. That’s a real pip right there, it is!”
The two colts were quiet for a minute. “Yep,” Pipsqueak said at last, “a real pip indeed.”
Now that I've got that little monstrosity off my chest...
This story, in addition to being a concept I've been dinking around with for a while, was kinda a proof-of-concept for me. I'd like to start my own little series of "near-future Ponyville" stories in the next couple months, and this is sort of a "Pilot Episode," as it were.
Now, it wasn't terrible, was it? 
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Hobbes the Tiger does your rating evaluations for you?
3956979
Yup! Though i probably should have gotten Susie to proofread instead of Moe.
3957016
Oh, nice going Featherweight! Wait, scratch that, Featherweight, stop that!
That sounds like it will be a fun series.
3957028
Thank you!
And you have my gratitude; it's not as cool as a sword, bow, or axe, but it's there!
3957030
Mmeyup!
Mmnope!
We'll see how the cookie crumbles, but it's looking pretty cool from this end. Expect the other stories to be multi-chapter ordeals.
Chicks did a fire-breathing baby dragon.
Hmm... doubt Dash has fire insurance.
Man, what a load of nincompoops.
Yeah, this is just as silly as I thought it would be. Actually, it's even sillier than I thought it would be.
My only real contention is that you made Twilight a bit of an idiot. One would think that she'd know better than to practice spells in another pony's house. Especially since that pony happens to be one of her best friends. It just wasn't that believable for me.
Otherwise, this is a pretty funny story chock full of hijinks and silly surprises. Nice work.
3956979 What about Stupendous Man? He would be able to put out the fire in no time.
...wait a second. I just thought of something. Do not take this seriously, but take a moment to imagine it- Calvin in Equestria. How badly do you think he would flip out? I'm thinking "G.R.O.S.S. invasion" levels of flip-outage.
3957290
There's no question there!
3957545
Unfortunately not, but she does have flood insurance, as well as meteorite insurance.
3958218
Nincompoops are the best kinds of poops!
3958642
Same here. I just sort of got fed up with it and let it run away from me. It hit all the right plot points (such as they are), so I consider it a moral victory.
Come now, Twilight wouldn't experiment without the original occupant's permission, doubly so for her friends! Believe me, Dash was totally cool with it. She was just as curious as Twilight about the results, though not for quite the same super-sciencey reason.
Can you tell if i'm bluffing? I can never tell when i'm bluffing. I might be bluffing.
But still, Dash was cool with it. Before the whole "rolling inferno" thing, at least.
Thank you kindly!
3959417
Nah, he'd be too busy fighting off the diabolical hypno-rays of his archnemesis, the evil Mom Lady!
He, Hobbes, and Spike would have a blast, I think. It could actually make for a great story.
so fun
Loved it!
Although, sexual harassment aside, I think Featherweight was rockin' that spiderman gig.
That was a lot of fun.
Though I have to say, as much as Twilight can be a bit confused in times of crisis, I'd have thought she would just teleport out. She's pretty good at that one.
3961949
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
3962219
Spider-colt, Spider-colt
Diamond Tiara thinks he's a dolt
Spins a web, from his butt
When he swings, his eyes shut
Look out! There goes the Spider-colt!
Careful, that sounds like story-brainstorm fuel right there. Nobody wants to read a story about Featherweight becoming Ponyville's next vigilante...
Geeze, I have so many other stories to write. What am I gonna do with one more!?
3964285
...
OOPS.
Yes, now that I think about it, that's kind of a plot hole. I could explain it as her being unable to teleport anywhere she can't see, but I clearly left that out of the story.
Congratulations, Frazzled Pony, you win a thousand points for pointing out the hole in the story's logic! The other hole, at least. This is kinda embarrassing.
3967365
Oddly enough, there's some art on it!
derpicdn.net/img/2013/1/31/228851/large.png
*Grins and applauds* Bravo. I'm game for more in this locale.
3967957
Ha!
Step aside, Peter Parker, there's a new Spider-colt in town!
I'm actually not too surprised, considering Featherweight's predilection for photography.
3986482
Cool! I hope to see you around once I get the next story put together.
4006942 There is no way you're getting rid of me at this point
I promise to respectfully ask for an autograph and a hug should i meet you at a con n__n
4009028
And you shall have both!
Just exactly as soon as I actually manage to make my way to a con. Maybe if the show's still going in a few years.
I love how Big Mac just figures Spike will know what's on fire - probably because 90% of Ponyville's fires are started by Twilight.
4173897
I'd say closer to 92%, honestly.
What in the hell have I just read?! And I have to say....chicks, well mares, do dig a Firefighter, even when said Firefighter is a fire-breathing dragon. And that's funny as hell how Spike knows where and how the fire started, and it's because of experience.
Oh, Twilight....
4177939
One of my sillier stories. Sounds like you enjoyed it!
Especially when said firefighter is a fire-breathing dragon, in my experience. I think Rarity swooned during the ceremony.
Damage control got a whole lot easier after Twilight moved to town, actually. Emergency Response Units just had to hang around the general vicinity of the library.
I know this was supposed to be a story about bros, but if there were one filly that could have completed the mix...
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131101111538/mlp-gameloft/images/f/fc/Dinky_Doo_firefighter_costume.png
She probably has more experience putting out fires than all of the colts combined.
If you don't make this into a full-length story I am going to sneak into your room at night and cum on your chin
4220643
D'aw!
Now I wish I'd seen the Nightmare Night episode just before writing this. I could have worked her in somehow.
Oh, I guarantee it!
4224797
Sequels are planned, kinda. They at least take place in the same world, with some of the same characters. Expect to see Rumble and Button Mash again, at least.
You've gotta have standards, after all.
You know, if it had just been Spike to tell Mac what happened and Mac was the only one there to actually help, there would have been a fair chance for him to save the house. Ah, well.
4557213
And at the PFD, only the best are accepted.
Plus, you know, these guys.
Hmm. I wouldn't be too sure about that. After all, in the show it seems that Rainbow Dash owns a Cloud Mansion, with multiple levels and room for a rainbow waterfall. It would be a pretty good trick to both rescue the trapped princess and save the cloudhouse.
Of course, I might not be the best judge of what might have happened, but those're my thoughts.
Oh lawdy Jesus it's a FAHR!
4748590
Call th' fahr department! Call th' police! Call th' ambalance!
'Cept we don't need none of that, 'cuz Big Mac's already here.
Err...
*nervous chuckle*
Good idea.
That, is weird.
*jaw drops* Wow. Featherweight is best pony because THAT takes some SERIOUS balls.
Indeed. The sheer irony here is hilarious.
Actually. Yes. Yes it was terrible.
I didn't know Pip was in the Long Patrol!
Augh. Noooooo.
6138143
Not only that, but the Minotaur Lords from Lord Mayor Applejack are about two species away from ruling Salamandastron.
6163383
Misspelling gets less common further into the series. By the time Lightning Struck Home rolls around, every "yer" has upgraded to either "your" or "you're."
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't put Lord Mayor Applejack first on the list, because... well, this story has stopped more than one reader in their tracks.
And if you weren't complaining about the funetick accents, then never mind that.
6163415 A few friends call this a disease named "Ahtism". Though if you've been cured, then it's all alright.
Just excessive accent-ism is a bit hard to read at times :p (might be worth looking into, if others have complained about it~)
6163426
I dunno if that's horribly funny, or hilariously dreadful. Either way, I cringed.
So I've heard, though you're the first to complain about it in one of my stories. I blame it on growing up with the Redwall series, where every accent was laid out in loving detail. It makes for very fun live readings.
I understand the agony that some feel towards it, which is why I've made efforts to curb it. I'm not gonna stop completely, because roots are harder to remove than "G"s, but it ought to be readable.
True, though like I said, you're the first to complain about accents. There's plenty of other things to complain about.
(I still like the story, though)
6163457 The story itself was fine! It's just the reading of it. People know that characters have an accent if they know the character - doing it excessively kinda messes with the immersion. At most, personally, i go for the ' in' " instead of ' ing ' shortenings, and not much further than that.
I can also totally picture this as an episode, if extended a bit ;)
Why would Twilight be experimenting inside a Cloudhouse?
Twilight would certainly not endanger herself with an experiment because she always uses safety checklists.
What the **** Featherweight.
7152676
Featherweight is not very self-aware, nor is he socially aware. He's just plain unaware.
Wait, what's the order of The Heart's Promise? Is it just what's written on/in the list?
7295014
Yeah, the list is reading and chronological order. However, a great deal of effort has been made to make each story stand on its own, with the exception of maybe The Worst Kept Secret. They tie together, but all have their own plots, events, and characters, and can be read in any order. So pick which one sounds awesome-est and dive in!
"Stand-alone stories that stand together" is the tagline.
You have my sympathy Big mac.
Now now, it's more accurate to say studying how to do different kinds of science! The abominations come after. And are incidental. ...Mostly.