Twiworm's Laboratory
Applejack fell to her haunches, her head in her hooves. “Now why does Twi think she’s a worm!?”
“That’sh Queen Twiworm to you, knave!” Twilight shouted, wriggling furiously.
“I didn’t realize anything was wrong with her until now, to be honest…” Rarity said.
“How could you not realize anything was wrong with her!?” Rainbow Dash shouted at Rarity. “She full-on KISSED me!” she said, retching again at the thought of it.
Rarity looked taken aback by this. “Well, I certainly didn’t see that. I just thought she was in heat!”
Applejack said, “In heat!? Why wouldja think that!”
“Wormzh don’t go into heat.” Twilight said matter-of-factly.
“Sh’up, Twi-”
“Queen Twiworm!”
“Fine, Queen Twiworm,” Applejack said defeatedly. “Now why would you think she was in heat?”
“Well, her pupils were dilated and her body temperature was higher than normal. Also, her mood was elevated and the act of buying a dress could be seen as part of a mating ritual,” Fluttershy said, “that’s what you were going to say, right, Rarity?”
Rarity looked shocked at Fluttershy. “Um, yes. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Plus, she wasn’t engaging in any of the tomfoolery that you described. So, you see why I made that mistake?”
Applejack sighed. “Well, I guess if we hadn’t seen her in full Pinkie-”
“HEY!”
“-sorry, Pinks. Anyway, if we hadn’t seen her in full-on cuckoo mode, I guess any of us could have made the same mistake.”
“So what do we do now?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well, I sent a letter to the Princess detailing the situation, and she replied back saying that she would be over as soon as court is done,” Spike said.
Applejack’s eyes widened at that. “After court? But that ain’t for…” she trailed off as she started counting in the air.
“An hour.” Rarity said flatly.
Applejack turned to Rarity. “How do you know that?”
“Well, the sun sets in two hours, and court usually ends an hour before.”
Applejack facehooved in frustration. “Ponyfeathers!”
“Ponyfeatherzh izh a funny word,” Twilight stated.
“And why does she keep slurrin’ her words?”
Fluttershy blushed. “Well, her pulse rate was so high that I may have injected her with some lorazepam…”
Pinkie nodded. “Makes sense.”
Applejack huffed. “Well, we ain’t gonna get anything done sittin’ around here,” she said as she stood up, “Dashie, you, Spike an’ me are gonna look for clues in her lab. Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity, stay with Twi-”
“Queen Twiworm!”
“-Her royal highness, and make sure she don’t do nothin’ stupid! Dashie, Spike, c’mon!” She said as she made a beeline towards the laboratory, Dash and Spike following behind her. They entered the lab and closed the door behind them. Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity stared at each other.
“So, what do we do now?” Pinkie asked.
“Your Queen would like you to feed her!” Twilight demanded.
“What do worms eat?” Rarity wondered aloud.
“Dirt. They eat dirt.” Fluttershy said.
“Well, we can’t very well shove a hoofful of dirt down her throat, now can we?”
Pinkie’s eyes flashed. “Or maybe we can!” She said, pulling out a bowl of pudding with cookies crumbled in it from...somewhere. “Bring me a spoon, STAT!”
Rarity rushed into the kitchen and emerged with a spoon held in her magic. Pinkie held out the bowl, letting Rarity grasp it in her glow. She then scooped out a spoonful of the dessert and said
“Open up, Queen Twiworm!” and gently guided the spoon into her open mouth, then pulled it back when Twilight had the dessert in her mouth.
“Mmmm! Thish dirt is good!” Twilight said with a faceful of pudding. “Queen Twiworm demandzh to know who made thish delectable confeczhion!”
Pinkie raised her hand. “It was me, Pinkie!”
“Well then, Pinkie, as Queen of the Wormzh, Queen Twiworm appoints you as head zhef!”
Pinkie clapped her hooves happily. “Yay! I got appointed to something!”
Rarity smacked Pinkie up the backside of her head. “She’s not actually a Queen, you know!”
“But she IS a Princess! And there’s no rules saying that what you say when you’re loco in the coco isn't binding!” Pinkie said, sticking out her tongue at Rarity.
Rarity huffed and turned her head away. “Well, I never!”
----
It was dark in Twilight’s lab. Too dark, the only light source coming from a makeshift torch Spike made from paper. All around were things that scared Applejack. Test tubes sitting neatly in a row filled with strange, mysterious multicolored liquids. Tubing crawling across the air with fluids shooting through them. Finally, Applejack came across something that grabbed her interest.
“Spike, bring that torch over here!”
“Sure, Applejack!”
The light highlighted something on the table that looked a mite like bad corn. Applejack picked it up and examined it carefully. Applejack then facehooved.
“Well, I think we found our problem. Ergot poisinin’-LAND SAKES, WHAT ARE YA DRINKIN!?”
Rainbow Dash turned her head, sipping out of a jar, looking like she had gotten her hoof caught in said jar...which she had, technically. “Water?”
Applejack stormed over to Rainbow Dash and smacked the jar out of her hooves. “Ya don’t know what’s in that! It coulda been caustic, or even explosive! Ya coulda drunk a bomb, fer all ya know!”
Rainbow shrugged. “Eh. It didn’t taste weird, so it’s good. Plus, I was thirsty!” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I see you’ve found what you were looking for. Let’s head upstairs.”
Applejack nodded. “Let’s. Spike, come on!”
“OK!” The baby dragon said as he followed them upstairs.
----
Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy turned their heads as the lab door opened, revealing Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Spike entering triumphantly.
“Ah think we figured it out!” Applejack declared, “Ergot poisonin’!” Rainbow Dash and Spike nodded at that.
“Well, I better check just to make sure…” Fluttershy said as she approached Twilight. “Queen Twiworm?”
“Yesh?” Twilight responded. Applejack facehooved.
“I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to respond to the best of your ability. Can you do that for me?”
“Ashk away!”
“Have you had any seizures recently?”
“No.” Twilight shifted uncomfortably.
“Have you had spasms of any type?”
“No.”
“Have you had any recent bouts of diarrhea?”
“Not that Queen Twiworm recallzh.”
“Have you had any sensations of burning or itching lately?”
“No.”
“How about headaches or nausea?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s strange,” Fluttershy said, crossing her forelegs.
“What is it, Shy?” Applejack asked.
“Well, except for the obvious symptoms of mania and psychosis, she doesn’t appear to be suffering from any of the effects of Ergotism.” Fluttershy said, rubbing her chin with a hoof.
Applejack facehooved. “Well, if not that, then what is it?”
Rainbow then said, “I feel kinda funny…” and dropped to the ground, a wide-eyed expression on her face, wings popped out. Everypony and dragon turned their heads in shock at the new development.
Spike quickly approached Rainbow Dash and waved a claw in front of her face. “She’s not responding.” Everypony gasped. Spike then noticed that Rainbow’s lips were moving ever so slightly. He leaned in to see if he could hear what she was saying.
“What is it, Spike? Didja find out what’s wrong with her?” Applejack asked.
“Nope. But she’s saying something. Everypony quiet down for a second.” The room was deathly still as Spike leaned in to hear what Rainbow Dash was saying. He then lifted up his head and said, “I found out what she’s saying.”
“What is it, Spike?” Applejack asked.
“Rainbows. Everything is Rainbows.” Spike said flatly.
Applejack facehooved. “Ponyfeathers!” I’m gonna develop a bruise from alla this...
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Now the fun has double. The world has ended.
Oh man Dash, you realize they only put like one drop of that stuff on 50 acid stamps? I know you can hear me. You're too tripped out not to hear us. I want you to repeat after me. T-H-O-R-A-Z-I-N-E. Say it again, thorazine. Hopefully somepony will know what that is.
Now Rainbow Dash is tripping this is going to get very interesting
3968934 It means "4 normal KOH" IT refers to how much potassium hydroxide is in a certain solution. I'll send you the synth by PM if you need more help deducing it.
3969484 Oh derp...ignore my previous comment then
And oh gawd...did Dash just DRINK a buncha LSD?
Why?
3970964 Because, despite everybody shipping Dash with everything including the kitchen sink, I've decided to make Rainbow Dash happily straight.
3969484 I did some google searching, leading to discovery of the definition of normality (I've never once encountered the measure). Am I right in thinking 4 N KOH is also 4 M in this case (assuming a 100% reaction with H+)? I have to admit this unit of measurement is completely foreign to me.
3971165 Yes, that would be correct.
3971055
Yeah, but straight doesn't mean raging homophobic.
3971251 Ok, she's a bit homophobic in this story.
3971262
I just think it's kind of out of place. Whatever.
3971267 What makes you think it's out of place?
3971273
The story's comedy, and the homophobic bits aren't even jokes. It's just kind of a weird element that stands out.
3971283 Alright, I could see that. I just thought it would be a unique reaction for Rainbow Dash to have. Not everything in a comedy has to be a joke.
3971292
Kay. I look forward to two high ponies.
I laughed at this far more than I should have.
This story is great!
Reminds me of my first trip.
Actually spot-on with how you treat the characters, and Twilight's reactions
Laughing quite a bit.
Kinda disappointed that Dash is straight here. As a Twidasher, having both Twi and Dash high would be quite interesting if she weren't.
I hope Rainbow Dash doesn’t have anything important to do for the next couple weeks.
Look at all thee rainbows Rainbow
All hail Queen Twiworm.
Lol so much salt about Straightbow Dash