Discord Finds an Easy Button
Discord Finds an Easy Button
The gleam off the silver colored metal casing shone brightly in the afternoon sun, momentarily blinding the one holding it up for meticulous inspection. Enamored by the lustrous red dome of plastic at the top, which served only to encourage him to press the obvious button. Discord could not help but release a gleeful squeal of delight at his most recent find.
What could it be? He had never once in all his eons come across anything of the like before. It was simply, unquestioningly, undeniably, indisputably the single most beautiful thing he had ever had the pleasure to trip over while wandering the hidden dimensions around the tiny world he called, well, whatever it was the ponies had been calling it lately. He should probably ask about that, bound to come up in conversation sooner or yesterday. Probably better go dig up Angel bunny before he forgets.
Glancing back at the curious little device in his talons Discord raised it to his ear and shook it in a very scientific manner. Noting the immediate lack of fun brought on by the inane test he let go of his prize and proceeded to walk around it in a more serious fashion. As he was now wearing an oversized lab coat complete with quacking duck slippers he figured a few more in depth tests were in order. Best to keep things professional.
First order of business, he conjured a stick and poked at the object from a safe distance. Nothing. He pulled his find back to himself and once more grasped at it with his lion paw as the talons were now busy holding a very dramatically sized magnifying glass, which actually just made things smaller. Turns out chaos magic isn’t much good when you actually want something practical.
Having solved the case of the missing patented demagnification glass that had disappeared to, Faust only knew where, out of the way Discord moved on to a much higher calling of a mystery. The shiny red button! Oh what wondrous wonders awaited those who pressed its glorious plasticity? What truly unknown fabulosity would one find? What could ‘easy’ mean when placed on such a device from the gods whom had surly granted he, the lowly Discord, such a truly exquisite gift?
A tear rolled down the side of his face at the mere thought that out there, somewhere, some poor soul had lost such a truly beautiful thing as this. This thing, that had a button, that said in nice bold easy to read and understand white letters, ‘easy’. Such brilliance.
Discord, Lord of Chaos and Disharmony. As long as it wasn’t a pony asking that is. Slowly reached a claw towards the sure to be absolutely amazing button, then stopped. Something wasn’t quite right about this, what he couldn’t be sure though. Something little ‘ole sun but said fairly recently. Oh well, what did it matter anyway if fish weren’t capable of flight in December? Not as if two plus two equaled fish, that joke had been beaten to death about a thousand fics ago. He raised an eyebrow at the sky, stupid writer should know better.
Heck with all the scientifical blandifferisness! Discord was no fool! He knew a potentially dangerous foreign unknown object when he saw one. And this most definitely looked like one to him. If fate saw fit to bequeath to him such an amazingly powerful thing as a bright crimson button that held the potentially unknown unknowable. And expected him to not take advantage of said fate. His grin widened from Hannibal Lecter and went straight to Cheshire cat in one good crank of the crazy wheel. Fate must be pretty stupid.
Without so much as a first thought, seeing as this is typed on a new page and all. Take the loopholes whenever you may find them reader. Discord pressed the button as quickly as he could before the pesky little conscience living in his head could get back from the bathroom. He stared intently at the little device in his talons with an ever widening grin, waiting with barely contained excitement.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened? What a rip off! What kind of new devilry was this, just leaving such a magnificent thing laying around as if you never wanted to see the wretched piece of landfill reject ever again, as if it never did anything but completely ruin your life by destroying everything that you ever loved, by casting massive shadows over you that you realize much too late after looking up, are from pallets of office paper!
Discord held up one of those little white signs that Wile E. Coyote would use every time he was about to get crushed or shot by his own rocket. It said simply, ‘figures’. The massive pallet of paper landed with a crunching thud as paper and bits of splintered wood flew everywhere.
As the dust settled the head of a very irritated Draconequus rose shakily from the rubble and started swatting away the little flying Celestias that circled him, all laughing like those nasty little balloons he’d used on Pinkie Pie way back when. He shuddered at the laugh but quickly froze at the sight that greeted him.
Balanced precariously on a piece of two by four from the ruined pallet, and just out of reach, was the easy button. It teetered menacingly, taunting him with what was surely about to happen. Discord tried to snap his talons to conjure something to catch it, but alas his limbs had somehow managed to get tied up in some form of hangman’s knot. Now as funny as that may have been under less normal circumstances it left him helpless now as he watched the button slowly tilt, and then fall to the ground. It bounced off its side landed on another board then flew through the air.
Discord had high hopes that the relatively flawed physics of this reality would fall in his favor today. Just once maybe he could come through one of these situations without another inter dimensional catastrophe. Hope rising within him he watched, breath held.
The button landed face down. Click. It bounced back into the air only to land face down again, click. Finally having freed his limbs from their self-made prison Discord stood and hurled himself at the runaway device, only realizing much too late the shadow growing around him. Crash! Followed shortly by those terrifying flying Celestias again.
Literally oozing out from under the stack of random office furniture Discord gave a growl of contempt as he screwed one of his wings back on. Alright! No more mister nice chimera! He thought to himself as he glared at the nasty little devil spawn laying innocently on the ground, button side down. Oh how glad he was that the little terror hadn’t been pressed again. But now it didn’t matter, now he, the literal god of chaos, was going to exact his revenge. And revenge as all you Star Trek fans are aware, is a dish best served cold.
Discord stalked right up to his inevitable victim. “Alright you little diminutive discarded dollop of dimensional dredge. I no longer find your tricks amusing. If you think you can just up and make a fool out of yours truly then you’ve got another thing coming!” He said leaning closer. “Im going to send you to some very special people I subscribe to on YouTube, and they’re going to see if it is in fact a good idea to microwave you!” The Draconequus snarled in foamy malice. “Do you understand me?!” After a short moment’s pause the button slowly slid into the casing and, click.
Sometime later.
“I see we appear to have reached an impasse in our relationship,” came the muffled and slightly annoyed voice of the spirit of chaos and disharmony, growing even more so at the realization his title was no longer capitalized. The large delivery truck that rested over him started its engine and drove away as he snapped his talons, after removing them from his spleen that is. “It’s not me, it’s you,” he sniffed as he blew into a giant hanky. “Our two different forms of chaos magic just aren’t compatible, so…” Discord grinned innocently. “I’ll just put you back where I found you!”
In a flurry of motion the cackling Discord threw his giant snot and paprika filled hanky at the demon button of cheap office supplies hurling death. There was only room in this particular version of pony reality for one insane crafts reject! And that was him, the network big shots had spoken!
The gooey rag of destiny wrapped itself around the troublesome button and vanished in a ray of blinding light and tapioca pudding, never to be seen again. Discord flinched and glanced around with a serious and spontaneous case of twitchy tail, the likes of which would even concern Pinkie Pie. He could have sworn that he had heard one last ‘click’ from the evil and to be feared easy button.
Discord sighed with a shrug. “Oh well, somepony else’s problem now,” he said happily before teleporting away, back to the hidden dimension.
Twilight Sparkle walked into her living room after a fine lunch of daisy salad and vegetable stew. She smiled happily as she then gathered the mail Spike had left for her on a table next the door. She sifted quickly through the letters and bills that made up the majority of the collection before turning her attention to the small present all wrapped up nice with a pretty pink bow. “Hmm. I wonder what this could be?” She said heading up to her bedroom. Maybe it was something that could finally liven up her day. She would just have to open it and find out...
“Well that was easy.”
End?
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There are not enough lols out there to describe the hilariously of this!
3960001 thanks, glad you liked it.
3960048 Liked it? Understatement of the year! I loved it!
This was a wonderful little fic.
out of five pinkies. Also, 
.
~Vriska Serket
Pretty funny, but you need to work on paragraphing.
The EASY button is part of a marketing campaign by Staples, a popular superstore office supply store. I used to work at Staples back when they introduced these easy buttons. Business people and other customers purchased these to help them remind how easy it is to buy/order office supplies, inks, computers, office furniture and other accessories.
I just realized that Discord need an icon here...
What a waste!
KEEP IT AWAY FROM PINKIE PIE!!! It might start delivering party goods (
superduperlicous!)
Well, that was funny!
Who does Discord subscribe to?
5326973
Enjoy a part of my inspiration...
~Dollars.
Looks like I have already read this one. I have it in my faves!
Wel that was easy to read
Does anyone still have an easy button that works? I haven't seen one in years...the last time i saw one of these things was on the clearance shelf in staples maybe a year or so after the microwave video went up.
8185287 which is probably the one he found, back to exact revenge in the name of all it's poorly made brethren...
IDK, my brain goes on safari when I write these shorts...
Thanks for the read, Sequel coming, eventually...
~$
P.S. love the name.
8185768
Can't wait for the sequel...
+1 like
8187728. I'll try not to make you wait too long. He says over three years after the original post date...
~Dollars.
I give this 10 rubber duckies out of -26 orbital strikes
9489938
's above par! Awesome thanks! I'm glad this ole' thing still gives laughs.
Wow, that's three
~Dollars