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In an attempt to make peace between the changelings and the ponies, Chrysalis is offered a place on the Equus Council. The changeling queen gets more than she bargained for when a certain lunar princess gets involved.....
ChrysaLuna with a side of Twilestia.
Thanks to my fabulous proofreader SteelxPaladin, who makes sure this doesn't suck.
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a little fast paced with how luna warmed up a little.
other than that i like.
I agree with the fast pace. The chapter is a good start, but requires a few tweaks. We need some sort of explanation as to why Twilight and Celestia are comfortable with the idea of their enemy Chrysalis being allowed to be on the Council, but Luna's reaction is perfect. I'm guessing this takes place in the future, since it says Chrysalis is about Twilight's height, meaning our young alicorn has grown quite a bit. Another thing about Chrysalis's description is the mention of her feathered wings, which she does not have. As for writing, some sentences feel awkward on their own and should probably be merged with another, along with some paragraphs, and there is even one paragraph where two different people are talking. Also this (...) is always only three periods, never more.
Again, it's not a bad start and I want to see more, but be sure to look everything over carefully and try to slow the pacing down a bit, possibly by having Luna acting extremely suspicious towards her and Chrysalis taking advantage of that to piss her off for her own amusement. Twilight and Celestia getting the idea of Luna and Chrysalis getting together within one day of them meeting, especially since Luna acts extremely hateful towards her in the start, feels very off. It also sort of implies that they are not worried whatsoever of Chrysalis holding a grudge against them and using their offer as a way of getting even. Keep these tips in mind and keep on writing.
3955581 I write a lot of one shots, so I'm used to cramming everything into one chapter. Thanks for the feedback. As for the feathered wings and being about Twilight's height, she altered her height and her wings. Probably should have explained that.
3955591
I'll be around if you need assistance.
Do this mother!
There are not enough Luna x Chrysalis ships, and they are usually the best...
Reverse the ships and I'll support you.
Great start. I'm liking it so far but my only complaint, as other people have already told you, is the pacing. Other then that its great and I can't wait for the next chapter, not nearly enough Chrysalis x Luna fics.
I think I'm going to like this ^^
Basically slow down a bit, it would be nice if this chapter could be edited to remove Celestia thinking Luna and Chrysi will hook up especially since they've thought that for just a few sentences of interaction.
Otherwise love the idea, will certainly be looking forward to reading more.
3966007 you just asked a very subjective question.
You should ask what does that bread taste like, if it didn't taste good to at least someone it probably wouldn't exist
I could do without the Twilestia part of this.
I need more!
Whoo! I'm like number 100!
Good to see that the twi-lestia part was apparently removed. It's so overused is tiring now IMO.
I'm liking this story so far. Keep the good work.
Moved from "read later" to "favorites"
i actually didn't mind the twilestia.
now we have to deal with an oc ship?
eh, i read worse.
This is way too fast paced.
4007851 There is nothing wrong with OC ships, as long as they are written well.
Even though people are saying it's really fast paced, i'm really enjoying it.
Awww. I was looking forward to the upcoming Twilestia...
> Bicycle
> Family Car
> Lamborghini
> Your story
Looks like Luna's realising that she might be interested in... and they're married.
Slow your horses. You are going way too fast. You've got LunaxChrysalis, OCxOC all in two chapters. Theres no backstory, no character motivation, no scene setup. You're missing a lot of things.
This story as it stands is alright, but if you want it to be anything that people look forward to seeing on their list you really need to add a lot of detail into what is happening.
Also, wasn't there supposed to be Twilestia? You've changed the story description.
You really need to fill out the Luna side of this chapter way more and you need to explain and fill out your two OC's drastically.
Rushed or not, I enjoyed the first version: Twilight and Celestia as the beta couple, who gleefully ship Chrysalis and Luna. The re-done version... not so much.
Needs the comedy tag a bit I think...
Just a nitpick feel free to ignore me, but I'd say Age of Discord or Discordian Age..
eh, wheres the tension between the two?
still feels a little rushed.
Starlight Shadow, I am curious as to when you believe the next chapter might be out?
Twister and Discord sitting in a tree! Oh wait?
More! More! More!
4480155 It's currently on hiatus, and I am not obligated to update. I will give you more when I am good and ready.
Hmm, interesting start.
Dis gun b gud.
Aww, such a pity that it stopped so early.
4480165
Update?