Chapter 47 - Retelling
Fluttershy had kept her word, not that Trixie ever thought otherwise, and brought out a tray with six brown clay cups and a rainbow colored teapot. Everyone was given a cup of tea and some very awkward socializing followed.
Nurse Redheart and Rainbow Dash had avoided looking at each other, and neither seemed particularly keen on saying anything while the other was there, but they still made token attempts at conversation to appease Fluttershy. Unlike Applejack and Nurse Manners, who seemed to have found a common interest in the topic of Big Mac’s treatment. Though Trixie got the sense that Nurse Manners was not grasping the true purpose behind Applejacks questions, and the clueless suitor even failed to notice the very forced smile plastered under the increasingly worried eyes.
Trixie had taken refuge near Fluttershy, the only one she thought would make for less awkward conversation. Of course at that moment Trixie had utterly forgotten how nearly useless Fluttershy was for conversing, even less so in the company of others. Trixie had just ended up making small compliments on the tea’s flavor and asked for a recipe, but half of it Trixie had already forgotten, and the other half she never even heard.
Fortunately, Trixie possessed the perfect excuse to escape awkward social situations, a concussion. While the uninteresting prattle went on, she found no reason to fight to stay awake anymore, and all the more reason to doze off as she drowsily slumped against Fluttershy. Trixie rested her head on Fluttershy’s shoulder while the sounds muffled around her.
By the time Trixie woke again, Nurse Redheart had downed her tea in what Trixie could only assume had to be a second degree burn inducing manner, or at least she judged so by how hot her own tea still was.
Nurse Redheart declared that they really had to get back to their shifts. Which prompted a small conversation regarding Nurse Redheart’s ‘restored faith’ in Fluttershy now that she’d proven she could stand up to Rainbow Dash in the case of another stupid idea. Trixie did not believe the excuse for a second, and she didn’t think anypony else did either. The odds of a blue moon event taking place twice were astronomical.
In either case, Trixie was happy to wave goodbye to the pair. It was not that she necessarily hated them, but as far as she was concerned they had done nothing but hinder her attempts to get back to the two ponies that actually mattered to her.
The cool night air roused Trixie enough to raise her gaze up at the stars, and gave a smile at their familiar twinkling. It had not really occurred to Trixie until just then, but she had truly missed the night sky. The past week had her sleeping so much she might have even given Princess Celestia a taste of what Luna had gone through. Maybe that is why she is playing with Trixie?
It took a moment for Trixie to realize, but Rainbow Dash stared at her and Fluttershy for a while now. Though Trixie was not quite sure what to make of her expression, but Trixie was convinced that at least meant Rainbow Dash did not appear to be angry with her.
“Oh, good morning there Trixie. Ya awake now?” Applejack had caught on, though whether she was the first, or if Fluttershy was too polite to comment, Trixie could not say.
Despite being found out Trixie made no attempt to get away from the warm, soft form of Fluttershy. Trixie yawned and grumbled softly. “You would think Trixie would wake up refreshed. Did Trixie miss anything?”
“Nah not really. But there is something Awesome I’ve been dying to tell you about all day!” Rainbow Dash had found her enthusiasm, and cranked it up to maximum. It amazed Trixie what a slight change in group composition could do.
“Oh? What is it? Do not keep Trixie in suspense.”
“Now hang on y’all maybe we should let Fluttershy tell this here story? Ah mean it kinda is her story ain’t it?“ Applejack motioned encouragingly towards Fluttershy. “Go ahead sugarcube.”
Fluttershy eeped quietly and hid behind Trixie. “Oh uhm, that’s okay Applejack. I-I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Rainbow Dash can you please?”
Trixie blinked surprised. She supposed it might have only been because she was right next to Fluttershy, but it still felt special to Trixie that she was apparently safe enough to hide behind. A warm feeling spread inside Trixie while she reached behind her to wrap a hoof around Fluttershy and gently pull her back besides her. “Don’t worry. If you do not wish to tell the tale, then Trixie will allow that. Though the idea of you telling the story does appeal to Trixie, Fluttershy.”
“Fluttershy is right. She will just slow down the story if she tells it. It’s just not her thing.” Rainbow Dash smiled at Fluttershy, then thumped her own chest. “No worries, Fluttershy, I got this! I’ll be sure to make it as cool as actually being there!”
Fluttershy nodded in agreement with Rainbow Dash and returned the smile. Strangely Trixie could swear she’d felt Fluttershy tense up briefly during Rainbow Dash’s defense of her. Trixie ran the comment through her mind again, then settled on the part she thought most likely coincided with it.
Rainbow Dash was already partway into the story. “So I was just ab—”
“Fluttershy will slow it down?” Trixie felt Fluttershy react beside her. There it is again…
“Huh? Well yeah? You know she’s not very good at this stuff. It’s kind of like in the story actually so just let me finish. You’re not supposed to interrupt till you can’t contain your excitement you know, or get scared, but this is not one of those stories.” Rainbow Dash waved the disruption away dismissively. “Now where was I? Eh the start is kinda boring anyway.”
Trixie looked from Fluttershy to Rainbow Dash, something seemed just a bit off. She was not sure what had happened today, but she would need to wait to find out.
“What are ya saying you can’t make the story exciting Rainbow? Ah mean we started with this huge cloud of black covering the sky ya know. How’s that not good enough?” Applejack interrupted.
“Huh well yeah okay I guess. Look do you wanna tell the story or something, Applejack?”
“Well I thought ya was gonna tell it proper. If ya can’t do that I’ll just have ta correct ya.” Applejack crossed her forelegs across her chest.
“Oh come on you’ll throw me off my game! That’s sabotage you know. Okay fine, actually I remember what was exciting about the start now. So it was morning, there was boring old smoke over Ponyville, and I was about to break the Equestrian Ball Bouncing Record! Pinkie Pie messed me up, but not before I got at least five bounces past the old record!” Rainbow Dash flew up in the air and did an impressive little loop in her excitement. “Course I did not realize at the time, I was distracted by Twilight telling us all about the dragon.”
Applejack visibly bit her tongue, though Rainbow Dash was telling what happened she was clearly not pleased with it.
Trixie was glad she already had her freak out moment earlier in the day. Now that she was holding hot tea it struck her as the absolute worst time to get the dragon news sprung on her. “Heh, so you were really taking that ball thing serious huh? Trixie was told about that.”
“Of course I was! I thought it was the best way to check on you. Turns out it was a waste of time I guess, but having documented proof that I am awesome in the record books is not a bad result either! I might decide to break so me more, like I saw the record for most cupcakes eaten is held by somepony right here in Ponyville, I bet I could challenge her to a—”
“Rainbow Dash, the story? Ya can brag plenty while yer keeping it going Ah bet.”
“Oh uh, Yeah I guess. Where was I? Oh yeah so I had the new reco—”
“Twilight told ya bout the dragon causing the smoke in the sky, then what?” Applejack took the risk to sip her tea, apparently fairly confident she could trust Rainbow Dash long enough to swallow a sip, it was an awfully short sip however.
“Oh uh. So we hear there’s this big dragon we got to defeat and we get some prep time, so I go right home for some war paint. I looked awesome! Or I’m pretty sure I did, there was a mirror on the mountain but I’d have to ask Rarity for it and she would totally never shut up about how she was right all along to bring all her stuff. So I couldn’t do that!”
“Ya ain’t gonna mention what the rest was doing?” Applejack raised a brow. “Besides, it was liquid rainbow on yer face, Rainbow, not paint. It was gone before we even left.”
“I said I would make the story awesome didn’t I? That means it must have the focus on the most awesome pony there. Besides what am I gonna tell her? That Rarity packed a scarf and Pinkie brought streamers or whatever? Come on AJ try to keep up.”
Trixie snickered a little, even if Rainbow Dash was atrocious it was at least amusing. Mirrors and streamers? Really? What did they think they were going to do? Seduce or throw a party for the dragon?! I wonder what Fluttershy brought, I’ll bet it’s an animal. The thought reminded Trixie that the story was supposed to be about Fluttershy, and that made her burn with curiosity for more detail. Perhaps it would also help her figure out why Fluttershy was reacting a bit strangely. “What about you Fluttershy? What did you do to prepare?”
“I-I tried to wear protective clothes. Rainbow Dash said it would just slow us down though… So I left it.”
“Yeah, not that it helped much though. Twilight insisted on taking Fluttershy along even though I told her not too. I couldn't believe you actually came. Or well, I guess we kinda dragged you along, literally. Mostly Applejack though, she had to drag Fluttershy up the mountain path cause she was too scared to fly or climb… or jump… or keep quiet in an avalanche zone. ” Frustration seeped from Rainbow Dash’s every word thick enough to smear on bread by Trixie’s estimation.
Trixie did not need to guess anymore at this point, she could feel Fluttershy practically turn into a wooden board besides her. She listened to the rest of the story though, and with the help of Applejack’s concentrated efforts to keep Rainbow Dash at least somewhat on track or fill in details she ended up with a fairly good understanding of the trip.
“And that’s when we got to the Dragon!”
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"most cupcakes eaten is held by someone right here in Ponyville, I bet I could challenge her "
Even Rainbow should know better than to up against Pinkie Pie when cupcakes are on the line. Thats almost as bad as starting a land war in Gryffonia.
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It's the Magic of
FriendshipPreparation. I had these 24 reviews stored in a file before I started posting them.I did start my account to be a reviewer instead of a writer.
Good thing I didn't manage to write reviews for all 47 chapters then. Or more like all 60, by the time I finish the reviews.
You're welcome.
You already showed much progress since the beginning. As you noticed, the number of corrections plummeted after you got an editor. Thank them for me, by the way.
You didn't ask; I review of my own volition. I decided to review because I like the story, I like Rainbow Dash, I like Trixie, I like shipping them together, I don't mind Fluttershy nor her ending up with either Rainbow Dash or Trixie (or both
), I can actually help (I can't help with characterization and writing style, for example) and last but not least, you actually make the effort to acknowledge the effort spent by those who review your story.
The last part is more than I can say for many top authors here.
I reviewed so many chapters because I choose to review stories completely until the end, unless the author doesn't bother acknowledging me.
(Although Derpy Hooves appearing also makes me stop reading.)
I think 'foal' would work better, because 'filly' is 'girl' and 'girl' doesn't have the same connotations as 'child' in real life. And 'little filly' sounds hard to take seriously. It might not work either though since either the cartoon or the fandom (I don't remember which) uses 'foal' as 'fool' as well.
I mind 'buck' for two reasons; one, it's already an existing word, unlike the word it replaces. Two, I don't consider changing one letter in a swear word to actually sanitize it or its meaning.
Thanks for changing it.
Sadly I have no idea for magical swear words.
I expect Trixie to have permanent brain damage by the end of this story.
Ah, I use Microsoft Word only for spellchecking purposes. I actually copy and paste from Wordpad. Good to know.
You're welcome once again.
I'd like to. I read until Big Mac's appearance and sort of lost interest there once I realized he wouldn't say anything more than 'Eeyup' and 'Nope.' I realize the show makes it easy to think he only says that, and he might not actually need to say anything more in this story, but I'm wary of what I consider memes by nature.
I should soldier on at some point because I want to see
sweet, sweet Trixdash make-up sexhow the story continues though.4358796
25.media.tumblr.com/779d9b9dcc4d323ce88fca23cdf17877/tumblr_mha6ylTtF01rfdp8mo2_400.jpg
Always be prepared.
Oh Yes I did notice. I was given some very helpful lessons and reading material at the time, sadly it did not quite work out due to scheduling differences. But the lessons stuck, mostly.
Oh I see. Phew that's a relief!
Your help will always be acknowledged and welcomed here should you choose to provide it.
Not gonna lie, there is like a one sentence nameless reference to her later. So yeah full disclose.
In all seriousness though, I doubt you'd mind that one.
But I'm curious now. What's so bad about her, and is it specifically Derpy Hooves or also Ditzy Doo?
Hm I guess that is true.
Also after checking, turns out the cartoon has nightmare moon use the word foals where the word fools would normally work, but every other time it has been just fool. So I guess you could make the argument that Luna was addressing ponies much much younger than herself and calling them children, not actually fools.
Trixie, Iron Will, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy all use the word fool to indicate a person, but only Trixie uses it to actually address/insult somepony else.
I was not aware of this till now, interesting.
Well something along these lines.
http://www.hp-lexicon.org/wizworld/slang.html
Though most of these don't actually work outside of the Potterverse.
But I'm thinking simple things liked "Curses, Hexed, Damned*, Fizzling, Sparking"
*Maybe not damned. But just to get the flavor across.
Ah I see. Well I try to keep Big Mac as close to his show appearance as possible, particulary the early episodes when Big Mac would actually speak on occasion, though not often and not long.
So yeah I'm basically saying: don't worry, he has some actual dialogue that is not Yep/Nope.
I was informed by a helpful commentor early on that it is apparently okay to have things like: "Chapter 5 - implied" and "Chapter 5.5 - explicit-X-Y" without adding the tags to the story that would normally be necessary for 5.5.
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I expected to see a condom here.
Yes, I won't mind a reference to her presence, especially if, for example, it's a rewriting of a scene where she's already there in the show to begin with.
Besides, even if I'm one of the most active commenter on your story, you shouldn't kowtow to my wishes. I'm a firm believer of '[REDACTED] the fans, I write what I want!'
(As you may surmise, I loathe fanpandering.)
I'll PM you the answer so as not to derail this story.
To be honest, using 'foals' for 'fools' strikes me as like using 'buck;' a bad attempt at being clever, not helped at all by the thousands of bronies latching on the pun like stereotypical parrots on a cracker.
'Damn,' like 'hell,' actually are E-rated as far as I know. Of course, since there's no hell in Equestria and no devil to damn your soul, they might not be used.
Phew!
It's also that I don't like him at all. The only male character I like in the show is Spike... when I don't forget about him.
As far as I understand, if there's, say, a sex scene described in graphic, lurid detail in your everybody-rated story, you can only post the chapter as a mature-rated, sex-tagged story of its own and mention its existence in the author's note of the corresponding chapter.
The best bet however, is to ask an actual moderator about this. I asked one not long ago about ratings, myself.
Well, for one, I don't know what the 'strong clause' is. However, as far as I understand English, you need to use present participle after a word like 'before' or 'after'. Even if the sentence is in the past or the future. I have no evidence for this though, just how I use English every day.
As I said in that quote, your sentence isn't actually bad. You can keep your way it if you want.
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Mhm I would have to do a count to determine that if I wanted to find out.
It was more or less a joke meant to lead into the question.
Though as I have stated in the past, the story won't change.
But that doesn't mean I can't have fun talking with people and see what they think.
Personally I kinda like Foal, Hay and Mule. Or other ponified words.
But there is no accounting for taste.
Well technically the devil does not damn, the god does. After all we do not say "Devildamnit".
So something along the likes of "Celestia damn it" could maybe work. Presumably it would involve sending the offending subject to Tartarus... or the moon.
Hell, on the other hoof, I do not think works in Equestria. But it can be easy to forget that if it's part of your vocabulary and slip it in.
I am reminded of this old joke involving a baker and a rabbit coming in asking for carrot cake.
Oh that's a good idea. I had not thought about the age rating difference.
Well truthfully, I used to use 'ing' words constantly. I turned out to be wrong when people actually commented on the grammar. And since then I try to avoid using them when I can, but I REALLY like using ing words.
So when I saw you using them I was hoping I had misunderstood some grammar rule and thought I should ask you about it so I could start using Ing's again.
And Rainbow Dash wins the Best Narrator award!
I liked these lines;
'but half of it Trixie had already forgotten, and the other half she never even heard.'
and
'Frustration seeped from Rainbow Dash’s every word thick enough to smear on bread by Trixie’s estimation.'
Corrections;
'a rainbow colored teapot' should be 'a rainbow-colored teapot'
'behind Applejacks questions' should be 'behind Applejack's questions'
there's a double space in 'under the increasingly worried eyes.'
'Nah not really. But there is something Awesome' should be 'Nah, not really. But there is something awesome'
add a comma after 'Oh come on' in 'Oh come on you’ll throw me off my game!'
'I might decide to break so me more' should be 'I might decide to break some more'
add a comma after 'Come on AJ'
and
'even though I told her not too.' should be 'even though I told her not to.'
One comment;
I see what you did there.
need to have a space right before Mirrors
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Next chapter... Ripvantrixie? No, that's stupid.
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Besides, Trixie already woke up without any friends.
Ah
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That's not as bad actually. It'd probably be more like trying to take Celestia's cake. Tia's turned ponies into stone for that offence.
It's obvious it's Pinkie Pie and it's probably a million or a billion or something.