Trixie blinked some of the remains of her magical smoke out of her eyes, hearing the thundering of her own hooves upon the road below her while she fled away from the townsfolk as fast as she could into the dark purple glow of the night.
A loud angry voice rose up behind her. “Why that little!” She glanced back just long enough to spot the winged mare take to the skies and fly in her direction. The sight spurred her on to run even faster. She recognized that voice as the loud, multi-colored foal whom she’d shown up earlier, but not before getting an impressively clear display of just how fast the pegasus was. Trixie was sure she was pursued by her after that. She could only hope to make it as far away as possible. At least that way, when the rainbow mare would eventually catch up and drag her back, Trixie would make that trip as long as possible before facing the townsfolk again. She dropped her ears flat in fright at the idea of being dragged back to town.
“Just keep going! Maybe she will lose Trixie in the dark!” She immediately chastised herself for the foolish notion. There was not a single cloud in the sky, and the stars lit up her enchanting white mane and tail like a beacon. She felt a pang of bitter regret at the thought that she’d lost her hat and cape somewhere in what remained of her carriage. Their purple color and star motif would have camouflaged her quite well. The only place she could see that was actually dark was the forest to her left. “Wait that’s it! Trixie just needs to make it to the trees!”
She did not waste a single moment to even look back as she swerved towards the tree line. A light orchid glow surrounded her horn to summon up quick puffs of smoke as she tried to keep herself from being too easy of a target. As she galloped past the first tree, Trixie flashed a triumphant smile. She had made it!
Trixie weaved through the trees quickly as she dashed deeper into the darkness of the forest, extinguishing the orchid glow to blend into the black. She was completely certain she had shaken the cyan pegasus. “Haha! That foolish foal was outwitted by the Great and Powerful Tri—OOf!”
In her haste to outsmart the pegasus by ceasing to emit light in the dark forest, she had also made it impossible to actually weave out of the way of the trees and smacked straight into the rough black bark of what she estimated was surely the sturdiest tree in all of Equestria. She bounced off the tree and collapsed at its roots. She curled up to cradle her poor muzzle with her forehooves.
“Ah! Trixie will not forget this! You! You! Uhm...” She tried to recall her pursuer’s name, but she had not truly paid any attention to it. She did however recall the name of her friend, having heard it just after her humiliation. That would just have to do for now. “...Twilight Sugarcube.” Still, she just knew that not being able to remember the pegasus pony’s name was going to nag at her all day.
Trixie rested on her back uncomfortably on the hard roots of the tree that had toppled her. She was breathing heavily to catch her breath after her galloping escape. She shifted her body to slip in between two roots till her blue fur laid down upon the cold forest floor, and actually felt a bit of relief with her new position. Trixie stared up at the just barely visible night sky through the heavy canopy of the forest.
Excellent! There is no way those foals will find The Great and Powerful Trixie now! Trixie boasted inwardly of the results of her genius idea. Just as planned of course. She fought the urge to crow of her victory out loud for the moment, however. Although she was well hidden, the ponies might still hear her.
Her eyes shifted back and forth, trying to make out anything in the darkness like the shapes of approaching ponies or lit up horns through the trees. After some time, Trixie was finally satisfied that it was indeed impossible to tell that she was here, so she allowed her mind to rest on another thought: Well... it is good that The Great and Powerful Trixie has triumphed over her foes... but Trixie can’t see a hoof before her eyes, and creating light would be counterproductive to her escape... Perhaps it is best if Trixie remains here until daylight and gathers her strength. She nodded slightly at her own train of thought and stifled a yawn while closing her eyes, not that it really made that much difference in the darkness.
The events of the night had been so terrifying when she was driven out of her bed to battle a raging Ursa Major by those foolish colts. If that Twilight Sugarcube could do it, then surely the Great and Powerful Trixie could have had those colts wait till morning like Trixie commanded. Nopony would have the energy to fight after spending the day performing feats beyond imagination! Not even Trixie! I mean, The Great and Powerful Trixie! …Oh, who is Trixie kidding… The memory of her rude waking forced a yawn from her. Trixie began to realize just how exhausted she was from her performance of unimaginable feats: bravely holding of the line against the Ursa, escaping the ungrateful town and that prismatic pony.
Thoughts and worries of the ungrateful Ponyvillians tracking down the Great and Powerful Trixie played through her head. What would they do if they caught her? Just how close were they right now? They were probably looting her poor wrecked carriage and dividing up the spoils to pay for a couple of minor claw marks on that roof the Ursa Minor briefly rested its paws on.
Trixie was starting to feel sleep overtake her while she pondered on that second feat. That blasted name on the tip of her tongue. Prism Crescent? No. It was something... to do with... her act... was it not...? The answer escaped for the day as the last of Trixie’s resistance was overcome, setting her drifting off between the rough tree roots deep in the Everfree forest.
I'd like to start with this: if you're about to go to bed, don't read on. My reviews points out several mistakes and I don't want you to spend hours into the night to correct them. With that said...
Trixie thinks Rainbow Dash is a filly? Better than being considered a stallion I guess.
I liked these lines;
'the stars light up her enchanting white mane and tail like a beacon'
'and smacked straight into the rough black bark of what she estimated was surely the sturdiest tree in all of Equestria'
'"Ah! Trixie will not forget this! You! You! Uhm...” She tried to recall her pursuer’s name, but she had not truly paid any attention to it. She did however recall the name of her friend, having heard it just after her humiliation. That would just have to do for now.'
and
'Oh, who is Trixie kidding…?'
I found a few things that can be improved;
I think 'that' can be replaced with 'whom' in 'She recognized that voice as the loud, multi-colored filly that she'd shown up earlier'
'pony' is unnecessary in 'of just how fast the pegasus pony was'
and
'Pegasus' should be 'pegasus' in 'In her haste to outsmart the Pegasus'
Not to bad, hard to tell if I like it yet though. I like how Trixie thinks Twilight's name is Twilight Sugarcube.
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I'm glad at least one person shares my sense of humor on that one.
I am sure you will enjoy the story as you go.
But even if not, I'd still love to hear further from you, and perhaps learn something for the future.
Have fun!
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Thanks for the review! Again.
I know I already said all that on the last post of this long line, so why am I back here at the very start you ask? Well...
As of this writing the first four chapters have been fixed. I have corrected the mistakes you pointed out and suggestions on the first couple and rephrased a few things I found along the way while I was at it.
But I was not entirely sure how to proceed since you have one post on each of the first 24 chapters. It occurred to me I cannot simply make the change and not reply. It looks bad not to acknowledge the effort, so I will be making a small reply post on each chapter as I go.
I am however aware that doing so will cause you to get a message each time, which may get tedious for you. So if you would rather not receive that message please let me know and I will just make the posts without the reply tag. Maybe replace it with a simple @KnightoftheRaven or something.
Onward!
Interesting chapter and story so far.
wow Twilight Sugarcube, now that is hilarious. I don't think I'll forget that name anytime soon. XD
I also really enjoyed the term "Ponyvillians", I have used that term to describe the citizens of Ponyville for a while now. Nice to see other people using the term. XD
...Trixie proved herself quite capable of summarily defeating Rainbow Dash in Boast Busters. If she's worried about an angry mob, she just has to escape most of them and then defeat Dash in private.
Maybe that Ursa encounter rattled her confidence?
Re-reading this fic.
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Quite possibly. There's nothing like a several story behemoth coming after you, to rattle one's confidence.
wait if this is after boast busters does that mean magic duel will not happen?
and if that's the case shouldn't this be tagged as alternate universe?
so far only read the first chapter and its good
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I hope you will forgive me for deliberately being a bit vague under the banner of not giving anything away on chapter 1.
(However, if you do desire more spoilerish answers, my PM is always open.)
Not necessarily, it merely sets up the starting point of this story.
It is my impression that the "Alternate Universe" tag is reserved for major changes like "Nightmare Moon Won" or "Steampunk Equestria", that sort of thing. But I've been unable to find any guidelines as to when some tags are appropriate, because the FAQ appears to be outdated and is missing some tags.
Happy to hear.
Stick around, it only gets better over time.
I like this first chapter--sticking to show canon, it had Trixie running away even though there was no danger in staying in Ponyville but in her own imagination. In the episode, she was talking with Twilight (boasting) while the town's ponies were busy being angry at Snips and Snails, (now wearing mustaches and tasked with cleaning up what remained of Trixie's wagon) before she just ...tossed a smoke-bomb and ran away. There is no reason given for Trixie doing that, and it kind of annoyed me that the writers ended it that way.
If she had asked for a place to stay the night, I really think Twilight and the rest would have offered their hospitality. A professional entertainer should be able to read the crowd better than Trixie did.
That ending just doesn't make any sense at all.
Added later:
OK, here's a wild notion that I've concocted: Trixie was not running away in fear--she was making a dramatic exit! "Give a speech and then vanish" is very much a stage-actor's "thing." She just ...sort of misjudged the size of the stage she was exiting.
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Oh gosh, sorry I'm so late in replying. You were buried under a flood of comments on the latest chapter.
I'm glad you enjoyed that. You'll find that to be a pattern throughout the story. I do my best to be consistent with what is shown in the show episodes.
(Though interpretation of what is shown may vary. )
Yeah. Trixie's worst enemy is...
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/7/2/928250__safe_meme_trixie_image+macro_was+there+ever+any+doubt%3F.jpeg
Minor nittpick but... Trixie actually left before Snips and Snails got involved. Twilight dealt with the ursa, explained it was a minor, then Trixie boasted and ran. After that Twi 'punished' Snips and Snails.
On the bright side, that means fans have free reign to image reasons for Trixie to act that way.
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Actually it would have ended badly if she stayed.
If you'll notice the flashbacks Trixie had. Everytime she tried getting a new home it was continuously destroyed (and no legal help there for her), or entire towns chased her off (again no legal help for her), since the vitrol of the Ponyvillians (even though they started the whole mess (literally watch the shows again and see how quickly Spike and Rares start heckling before Dash and AJ take it up a notch.)) followed her where ever she went.
So yeah. Ponyvillians in the show really went out of their way to punish Trixie far worse than they did Snips and Snails (who were punished via epic 'staches.).
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Do you know just how difficult maintaining an "epic 'stache" is? I'd say that's quite punishing, especially for, y'know, FOALS. COLTS.
They're not adults.
As for how the Ponyville residents fucked up Trixie's life...yeah, that's way too much. And here I thought Ponyville was just a humdrum lil' town with no real importance (before, y'know, the princess, the castle, the school, every villain ever wrecking it, etc.); how the hell did word from this village manage to influence places like Manehattan and other, actual cities? Usually word flows from the city to the burg, if anything actually reaches the isolated settlement, not the other way around.
Trixie shouldn't have been vilified everywhere for a performer's boast, and the actions of two colts that aren't even her own - that aren't her responsibility whatsoever.
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Right!? Many performers make boasts, or twist the truth to add extra oomph to a show! Or build a reputation for shooting down hecklers. Trixie's home, and entire life shouldn't have been destroyed over it. Especially not in everywhere in Equestria outside of Ponyville. (Yes ... the Alicorn Amulet was a poor call ... but come on. Driven to a life of total isolation and heavy labor, over something that wasn't Trixie's fault? Any mare would seek desperate vengeance.)