Scootaloo shot up out of her cloud bed, screaming, her eyes not being able to focus and flitting around at every object in the room. The picture of her and Rainbow Dash on her nightstand, the framed picture on the wall of the other Cutie Mark Crusaders, and finally the picture of Rainbow Dash and Twilight with herself in between them, being crushed by their infamous wing-hug. Her room was nothing special, with a lot of empty space on the walls and corners. It did not matter to her, because she didn't spend any of her waking hours in the room, and after what she has been through, she counted herself lucky to have a room at all, especially in the cloud mansion of the coolest pony in Equestria.
The nightmare quickly slipped from Scootaloo's mind, and she managed to stop panting after a few seconds. All she could remember was screaming...
No! Don't take them from me! I need them! I need my parents!
Tears were welling up in her eyes as she realized what the dream was about. She was remembering her parents being laid to rest. More tears came as she tried to remember what they looked like. It's been so long that she forgot their faces, only remembering their fur and mane color, and their eyes... the unholy look in their eyes as they were put in the ground... not remembering any other part of them, even their voices, made it so much worse.
She decided to try and sleep again, as she didn't want Rainbow Dash to see her tears and think less of her. She had never seen Rainbow cry, before today, and frankly didn't think she ever would. It must have been too uncool for her, so if she cried, that would make her less cool.
Right?
Finding herself unable to sleep, she remembered that she has told Rainbow Dash of her nightmares before, one night when they all went on a camping trip. Telling her taught Scootaloo how to face her fears, so it couldn't hurt to do it again...
...Right?
The filly jumped out of bed, using her tiny wings to balance herself as she was still disoriented. Coming to Rainbow's room, she found it empty. A singe of panic rushed over her, before she saw the irregular shape of the clouds on the wall. She had seen Rainbow do this "wall dive" before in the few weeks she has lived here. Her thoughts were confirmed when she walked to the front passageway and saw a rainbow-colored shockwave in the distance and a rainbow expand from the Golden Oaks Library, headed in the direction of the Everfree forest.
Out for another midnight fly... I guess she's having sleep issues, too... I bet she's got the right idea, maybe I just need some fresh air. But why does she need to do the Sonic Rainboom all the time? Does she enjoy waking up half of Ponyville?
Stepping out of the passageway and onto the large expanse of clouds that was basically her front yard, she took in the sweet night air and looked at the beautiful, purple night sky. Thank Luna for such a wonderful sight.
Once again trying to remember her nightmare, she found herself remembering her foalhood before she came to Ponyville.
She lived a happy life in the outskirts of Manehattan, a rural area that did not share the city's tall skyscrapers and bustling roads. The cause of death for her parents was a secret that was closely guarded from her. Her parents simply left one day, leaving her with a foalsitter, and never came back. But, their bodies were found a few days later, and she was never told where.
The funeral was terrible. The caskets were open, so their death was probably not bloody and violent. However, their eyes were open, and any attempts to shut them proved futile. Their eyes... their irises were all wrong. Her mother was a Unicorn with pink fur, an indigo mane, and her eyes were normally violet like her own, or Twilight's. In fact, the first time she saw Twilight, she almost cried. Twilight reminded her so much of the mother she could barely remember. She was told her mother was the know-it-all type, again like Twilight. Even the mane and tail, except her mother did not have the pink and purple stripe. Twilight was with all of her friends at that time, including Rainbow Dash, who quickly comforted the sobbing filly and introduced her to Twilight. "See? She might be an egghead, but she's not all that scary... once you get to know her... unless she uses magic." The statement caused the entire group to burst into a fit of laughter, even Scootaloo, and Twilight's face became flushed, not in anger, but embarrassment.
Her father was an orange Pegasus like herself, with a blue mane and coppery eyes. When she looked at her parents unblinking, dead eyes, she immediately burst into tears. Their irises were turned a bright, unnatural green. Sometimes she wonders if anypony really knew what happened.
The orphanage was not the best place for her. The headmistress almost never spoke, and she was constantly bullied by other Pegasi orphans for her lack of flying ability. They would do cruel things like lifting her high into the air and dropping her, because she knew she had the ability to stop them but for some reason... she simply couldn't. Some said her wings were underdeveloped. Others said she didn't have as much magical ability as other Pegasi, which was the source of their flight ability with wings too small or their ability to control the weather patterns. Scootaloo had never touched a cloud at that point. She remembered the first time Rainbow Dash brought her to the cloud mansion, and how good it felt to walk on the clouds. Rainbow has been trying to teach her to force the clouds to rain, but so far she can only move them around and disperse some of the smaller ones by kicking them just right.
Back to the thoughts of the orphanage, she remembered when she first started taking chances. Her passion to do risky things came from taking the risk of sneaking out of the orphanage every so often, to a warehouse a bit down the street. It was still in use, and there were several times she was almost caught by workers. In one of her attempts to hide, she found a small nook in the corner hidden by a few crates. In that nook, she found it: a shiny, new-looking scooter complete with a blue helmet. Her eyes widened at the site, as she now had a means of escaping this city filled with bad memories and other foals who hated her.
There was nothing left for her here, so she wasted no time taking the scooter and plowing right through the two Earth pony workers standing in the doorway that she normally didn't use; she entered and escaped through a small hole in the roof that led to a large, attic-like space, which had a ladder down to the main area. She kept going, never stopping for anything except for her saddlebag back at the orphanage, containing some apples and other meager foods that she guiltily stole from the warehouse. Eventually, after about a day and a half of scooting, her exhausted self came upon Ponyville, where she hid from all prying eyes until she met Sweetie Belle. She remembers that day as well. She was wandering around when she finally decided to make some friends, which was difficult because she was still a blank-flank. Marveling that there were absolutely no tall buildings anywhere, even on the horizon like she was used to, she ran into Sweetie Belle, knocking her over. "Oh! I'm so sorry! I-I didn't see you a-and..." her stuttering was cut off by Sweetie Belle giggling. Scootaloo had a confused look on her face before Sweetie said "It's okay, it was an accident. My name's Sweetie Belle, my sister Rarity owns the Carousel Boutique." putting a hoof forward for a hoofshake. Scootaloo had never shaken anyone's hoof before, so it was somewhat awkward. "M-my name's Scootaloo" she replied nervously, shaking her hoof.
After a few days in Ponyville, she quickly noticed Rainbow Dash. Everypony talked about her and she even saw the rainbow colored blur in the sky a few times. After hearing her name, and that she was an apparent hero, she quickly learned everything she could about her and started following her, which Rainbow noticed. After explaining herself, Rainbow said "Heh, I like you kid. You kinda remind me of myself when I was your age. Adventurous, daring, and pretty dang cool. Come on, follow me. I'll tell you a bit about the coolest and fastest pony in Equestria." After that, Rainbow took Scootaloo under her proverbial and literal wing, and formed a sister-like bond.
After much more time in Ponyville, Rainbow could no longer stand the fact that Scootaloo was an orphan, no matter how much she claimed ability to handle herself. Rainbow was fine with it until she caught Scootaloo stealing apples from Applejack's street vendor, just 3 weeks before today. After a minor scolding, Rainbow gave the offer of adoption. "You'll never have to worry about food again, and you'll have an awesome house and a bed." Scootaloo reluctantly agreed, which led to Scootaloo's first interaction with clouds and becoming Rainbow's adopted daughter. Of course there were legal issues to clear up, but Twilight Sparkle handled it by getting Princess Celestia to pull some strings. All in all, both Rainbow and Twilight became a massive part of Scootaloo's life, and Rainbow even described Twilight as "The third coolest mare in Equestria... maybe even the second." She would sometimes tease Scootaloo with the last part. But, as Scootaloo found out, Twilight was actually a really cool mare, to her and to Rainbow.
Finally, her mind raced to the events of today. Rainbow didn't know it, bur Scootaloo sometimes hid in the trees at Sweet Apple Acres to sleep, much like Rainbow herself sometimes does. She was in one tree when she heard it.
The fight.
Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity and Fluttershy were all there. Applejack was yelling at Rainbow, While Pinkie and Rarity told Fluttershy to stop just sitting around and do something. From what Scootaloo heard, Applejack and Rainbow were fighting about Twilight when suddenly Rainbow's face turned a deep red and she turned and delivered a swift buck to Applejack's face, knocking her on her back.
"Use your stare on them darling! Make them stop this incessant arguing and violence!"
"I-I can't... I can only do it on animals..."
"YEAH RIGHT! I bet if you try really really really hard, you could do it on anything! Ooh! Ooh! And then you could take over the world or something because no one would be able to argue with you or fight and then we could have a FLUTTERSHY RULES THE WORLD PARTY!!!!"
Scootaloo had dozed off outside on the clouds, when she awoke to the strong beating of wings.
After groaning tiredly and wiping her eyes with her hooves, she glared up at the large black Alicorn that had just landed in front of her.
"Princess Luna? What are you doing here? Am I still dreaming?"
Scootaloo has had her dreams infiltrated my the night princess once, and would not be surprised if it happened again.
"I am afraid not" Princess Luna replied. "Something has happened, little one. It involves your adoptive mother, Rainbow Dash. There is no time to explain. Quickly now, climb on. I understand you have issues with flight" Luna bowed her forelegs to allow Scootaloo to climb on her back, holding on to her neck. She then turned, and took off away from the cloud mansion and towards Ponyville.
3950775 You just gave me a great idea for a part in chapter 1... but please, tell me about this OC. You have piqued my interest.
3950704 Maybe at first, in the very first episode, but after that it seems pretty genuine. She treats it like a test at times because if she fails the test, she might lose her friends, which are part of said test.
I'm looking toward to where this story gives so don't disappoint
Already, things are starting off an a rather melancholy note. Honestly though, I'm interested as to how you're going to make this story work, so I'll stick with it.
Decent backstory, just maybe a bit on the unnatural flow side, but good nonetheless.
Teased at the mysterious argument and left us with a fair cliffhanger.
All in all, I've seen better first stories, BUT I've also seen many more worse.
After awhile I'll start sounding like a broken record but, I've always been a stickler for story length, 2k is good for a chap but depending on how long we have to wait, longer chapters are better, BUT you shouldn't listen to me and you should do what you gotta do.
A good story that I can't wait for more.
I'm really hoping this deserves its romance tag a little more than its dark tag in the end. I really like this story so far, despite the choppy flow and a couple minor grammar issues. Have a fave.
Huh, not bad. Have a fave.
A couple things. One, characters' thoughts should only be in italics, not bold italics. Two, I'd recommend using lowercase for the pony races—"pegasus" instead of "Pegasus". After all, you don't write "The Dog chased the Cat", you write "The dog chased the cat". This is completely optional, though. Hasbro capitalizes the pony races for some reason, so you can't go wrong either way.
Have a good one.
3949230 so exited to hear it! And I knew you didn't make it vague without reason! You have the essence of a very good writer
3952811Uh, can you elaborate on what you mean by choppy? I just want to know so I can improve.
Also, in the next coming chapters there will be some PoV switches and it might get a tad confusing. Just a heads up.
3953670
Chapter 1 has a few very abrupt changes between scenes, without any real transition. Scootaloo wakes up, then it suddenly breaks into the flashback. Then Luna just...appears. The lack of real transition between the scene changes is very jarring.
I recommend looking through the groups to find an editing or pre-reading group that can help you.
This is all i can say... awsome and scarry! I belive that with this story, scotaloo has officaly claimed marked and bound the position of favrote foal. And as for the twibuse...kill apple jack, plant her head on a stick, and make her body in to cupcakes or other food and fead it to her family. Amd than burn her hard work to the ground.
...
Sorry, my dark side came out for a minit there. But still twi is not deserving of the abuse. And aj is. But make it so that RD and twi make there frends(*fluttershy, and some background charicters*) see how here not frends(*AJ, rarity, pinkie pie, trixy, and some other background charicters*) are and rebel themin to the griffin kingdom with the words 'trator' 'evil' 'dishonest' 'selfish' 'lame' and other name tatooed on to them.
This looks interesting.
Sorry I couldn't get the next chapter out today. My modem is being a total troll right now. It should be fixed either tomorrow or the day after, so expect the next chapter to be the day after tomorrow, or the day after at the very latest. Until then, keep TwiDash shipping and fanfic writing my friends... but don't forget Scootaloo!
and, once again, thanks for all the support. I wouldn't be doing this without you.
Not going to lie, this is pretty damn great
Well done! A few grammatical/punctuation errors, but other than that nothing really wrong. Some parts feel rushed, but it doesn't break the flow. Damn you for the cliffhanger, though.
I can't wait to read more. Keep it up!
Oh, and thanks for leading me to a great song. I can't believe I've never heard it before!
If you want a proofreader, I can (hopefully) do it. I've got a good bit of work to do over the next few months, but I'm sure I can find time to
get sneak previews to a great storyproofread your work.Good chapter. I look forward to the start of the plot.
3948772 lol 4th time ive seen you on a fanfic with twi and dash... not sure if this story is gonna be a twidash but antways im reading Scootaloo's Heartache and i wanted to let both of u know ( the author of this story and u) that theses are so far good fanfics, keep up the good work you guys
3961583 Thanks, I really appreciate the support!
Well, here goes everything everypony... I'm gonna write the HAY out of this chapter! *tryhard face*
Well, I am going to reread this because . . . well, I don't remember reading this story beyond the prologue, but Fim Fic insists I have read up to chapter five. But I have my qualms with this.
First, the meeting with Sweetie Belle was both contrived and just simply awkward. She just randomly bumped into her? Hmm. . . . And Sweetie just goes and describes her entire life to this random pony? I mean, there is a difference between being friendly and being . . . whatever Sweetie was.
Second, there are grammar issues that I wish I could point out. Unfortunately, it isn't so easy on a tablet. Oh well.
I shall continue!