When Sunset Shimmer left Equestria through the Mirror Portal, she did so in a state of shock, sadness, and anger. All alone in a new world, she struggled to find her way. Now, in a letter to a her younger brother back in Equestria, she recounts her feelings and the reasons she came through the portal on that fateful day.
This story was written for the Everfree Northwest 2014 Writing Competition. Its stipulations stated to "Show an established My Little Pony villain or rival either being redeemed or showing them in a positive light." There was a limit of 1000-3000 words.
I got the idea for this story during my Modern Physics class. I was sitting there, looking out the window, and the idea for the opening came to me while I watched the clouds. I wrote that out then and there, but then wasn't too sure how to proceed. So I kept writing what came to mind, and later that evening, I realized exactly what to write. That's the first time that something like that has ever happened to me. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy.
[Author's Note: This story was written between S04E13 and S04E14, so if anything past then contradicts this story, it's not my fault.]
[Second Note: I love feedback! Please let me know what you think in the comments.]
Wonderful short story. This is certainly a nice perspective of Sunset Shimmer that is not explored enough. Great job.
Also, first comment!
It I a little text blocky (as in, more than three or four lines of straight text without a space break) but other than that, an interesting take on Sunset Shimmer.
The only confusing part about this is the premise once you finish the story. I mean, why would Sunset need to relate what happened in this in letter form if it occurred after the "incident" (which I don't want to completely spoil in commentary). While it was effective starting material, once the bomb shell is dropped, those first lines take on a different meaning.
That's not all bad, as all except that last sentence of the firsts paragraph takes a positive different meaning once the story is finished.
Now, as far as story flow goes, I would actually advise that you go with a chronological approach once you really get into the letter. I love the description in the second paragraph, but the following paragraph starting with "I remember when it all began..." really feels like it should have been the opening for the body portion of the letter.
"the sky was an angry purple..." paragraph would probably fit rather well right as she is leaving the house and before she gets to the castle. Granted, you might would have to change the wording up a little bit if you decide to change it that way, but I think it would roll better that way.
So yeah, text blocks in the middle and a suggestion towards chronological story flow uniformly.
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Thanks for your feedback. I understand your concerns with the narrative sequence I used (i.e. not chronological), but I think that the feeling and tone the introduction paragraph provides really lends itself to the piece as a whole, and that rearranging it to move this paragraph into the middle would require me to sacrifice this setup, and I don't think that that's worth it. I believe that it is easy enough to understand that I don't need to change the progression of the story.
As far as why I chose to relate it in letter format, it's pretty simple. I wanted Sunset Shimmer to try to communicate with the ponies she knew back in Equestria, but since she didn't return through the portal with Twilight, a letter was the best way to do it. And in writing a letter, it draws a parallel to the letters Twilight writes to Celestia. This story wasn't just Sunset Shimmer telling her side of the story to the reader, it was her giving an explanation for her actions to some of those she'd hurt.
And I don't think that it's really blocky; I mean, unless I had a new paragraph every other sentence, I couldn't really add more spaces, and it doesn't make sense to have things split up that much.
Anyways, thank you for your feedback, I am glad that people are at least reading my story and thinking about it. I hope you enjoyed it.
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Fair enough, all of your points. Aye, I did enjoy the first chapter, though coming back and reading the epilogue... Well, the epilogue seems kind of short imho.
What I mean is, it doesn't really have that "the end" effect on me. I mean, Celetia IS going to follow through with the rather simple request... right? Not to mention the last chapter had been the letter itself; this epilogue starts off abruptly with Celestia using no transition at all. Nothing to ease the reader into a shift in scenery.
That kind of makes it feel like the epilogue was written separately, tacked on even, just for the sake of having an epilogue when the first chapter pretty much wrapped up most everything.
In short, the epilogue kind of misses what the first chapter nailed in the eye. That's my take on it.
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I won't lie, I did write the epilogue after I wrote the main story. And it is short, as I actually handwrote all this out, so I could only figure a rough estimate of how many words I had used. Since this was for a contest, we had a 3,000 word limit. And I don't really mean for it to add too much to the story, I feel that it just kinda gives a sense of closure.
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If I may further comment, closure beyond the first chapter was rather unnecessary in my opinion. Under the circumstances that you wrote it, I can understand the length, but the way you tried to include that Celestia bit really failed to hit the mark you were going for imho.
If you really wanted to hit it home, and right, then, in my opinion, you should have put the entire first chapter (the letter) into the epilogue's reference of the letter.
Thus, the epilogue's beginning would have been the beginning of the story (and served perhaps as an introduction of sorts) while the epilogue's end would have been the end of the story as it is now.
I feel that that would have made the epilogue's content a bit more impactful (in comparison with the first chapter). My two cents on the matter.
On an unrelated note, I miss handwriting my stuff first. It meant I could work on my stories almost anywhere.
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That's actually a great idea. I'll keep that in mind the next time I write something like this. I'm currently working on a different story though, and I can't say when that'll be done.
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Happy to maybe have helped.
This was... okay. The ideas were all there, but I feel like they didn't receive enough attention. I feel like this was a bit ambitious to try and do for a 1k-3k contest. Sunset suddenly has a brother? And this brother's illness and eventual death were the driving forces behind all of Sunset's actions? That's a lot to put on a reader.
Your writing seemed pretty decent otherwise, so I'd love to see you expand on this story. As it is, though, it's expecting me to understand a lot of things without really showing why I should care.
Yeah, for the same reasons as before, this epilogue just isn't doing it for me.