- Member Since 6th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 9th, 2021
LightningBass94
Dying. Funny thing, that. It never happens how you expect it.
LightningBass94
Joined 6th Jan, 2014 ·
Offline
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LightningBass94 · 1.4k words · 442 22 · 6.5k views
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Short and cute TwiDash
Honestly though Twi can be so thick sometimes
Naw
I'm not a huge shipper but I really like twidash they are just so cute together.
Happy valentines day everyone
twidash is best ship (and twilight and dashie are best ponies!)
3946534
3946572
Lol thanks.
I'm glad you guys liked it.
Oookaaay. That's a little more than a tiny bit creepy, but i'll allow it.
Wow, I can't believe you wrote all that in only a few hours!!
Good show!!
gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Joseph-Gordon-Levitt-Cheering-Clapping.gif
3946590 The scene presented itself to my head, and it was just so cute that I couldn't NOT put it on there, despite its creepiness.
3946604 *takes a bow* Thank you. Lol. I told you that I was fast.
3946627 You most certainly are!
And... off topic a little bit, but someone else disliked my story.
I might go cry in a corner for the rest of the night.
That was great. Loved it.
This is all I could hear while reading this.
Anyways, cool story.
3946646 Thanks.
3946676 I had never heard that song or of that band, but they're awesome! They sound like the black keys.
3946604 I've already got one too.
I was single this year again I wanted to date someone from mlp like rainbow dash or spike
3946812 Did...this make you feel better?
A wild Twidash Hearts and Hooves Day Fic appears!
Twidash Uses Cute!
primitivepuck.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/heart-attack-man.jpg
It's extremely effective!
K.O.
Seriously though. Awesome Twidash fic. It was adorably cute and had a nice ending.
3946852 Thank you.
You're comment made me giggle quite a bit, btw. I thought my ending might have been a bit weak. 
3946897
I love browsing Twidash and my biggest favorites are the long ones where you get lots of detailed romance after the initial adorable chase where Rainbow Dash tries to make the egghead love her. But for one-shots, you only really have time to write a good leadup to the mushy romance stuff. This fic was one such excellent leadup and the payoff scene was brief, yes, but we all got the picture. It kept the story short and sweet.
3946913 I might end up making a multi chapter sequel to this if I become motivated to do so
.
3946971
I would totally read that.
3946837 a little bit
3946978 Last time I said something like that, it was more than an idea in just 3 days. Lol.
3946986 ...Do you need to talk about it?
3947039 yes
it's good, I liked it, all exept how much twi used "dashie", it just makes me cring when any one other than pinkie. twidash is best, in my opinion.
3947678 Lol. Sorry. I just really like that nickname.
That was actually really great. Good job
Very meh. Everyone was OOC and it felt very lazily written.
Wow, been a long time since I've read a story where Twilight was so oblivious. I think the last time I read a story that had just about, if not more, obliviousness from Twilight was probably back during mid-season two. Very nice work!
This is lovely!
This was cute and fluffy and all, but story-wise there are a few things I'd like to touch on.
Firstly, how could Rainbow Dash assume Twilight would know she sent the flowers, chocolates, and sweet Mother Theresa on the hood of a Mercedes Benz a diamond-encrusted gold necklace?! Okay, umm, that seems a little excessive for a Hearts and Hooves Day gift, especially for a pony you're not legit dating yet (I mean, that's a really expensive gift man), don't you think? Anyways, Rainbow left no indication that she sent the gifts and acted more as a secret admirer. I know Rainbow can be dense sometimes, but this is a little too dense for my tastes. And your Rainbow seems a little... hormonal in the first couple scenes. I mean, Twilight didn't somehow get psychic powers to see that Rainbow sent her all of those gifts, so Rainbow flies away crying. Again, it seems a little excessive given the situation. It honestly made Rainbow's inner monologue about her own hubris feel a little forced.
Then there's Twilight's blatant use of "Dashie." I know you like that nickname, which is fine, and it's fine to use it, but I think it's still important to consider the context in which you want to use it and the relationship between the characters. Show-wise, Pinkie's the only pony that has called Rainbow Dash "Dashie." Twilight's basically referred to her as "Rainbow." It would make sense (for me) if Twilight referred to Rainbow as "Dashie" if they were already in a relationship. That being said, maybe Twilight's use of it here is an indication of some romantic inclinations towards Rainbow Dash. Or not. It wasn't made very clear, and if it was a result of Twilight's hidden feelings then it might be a good idea to clue us in on that a tad more.
Now, in the scene with BIg Mac I'm seeing an error that you tend to see in a lot of writers all over the place (I've done it myself). From what I've read up until this scene the story has been told from the third-person limited perspective, meaning that each scene is done from the vantage point of one character. In the first scene it was Twilight, in the second Rainbow Dash, but in this scene with Big Mac we see the inner thoughts of both of them. Might I also suggest you find a way to explain some of the inner thoughts with exposition/narrative instead of directly telling us (show vs. tell)? For example, instead of giving us Twilight's thoughts of how she's disappointed she hasn't found the pony responsible for sending her the gifts, you could show us how she walked through the streets of Ponyville with a heavy heart and her head downcast, watching with an unfamiliar sense of envy as couples trotted by, laughing, giggling, and caught up in the romance of the day. I dunno, I'm just trying to give suggestions.
Because you've given her no inclination to think it might be from you! It could literally be from anypony in Ponyville because you sent in anonymously! I'm sorry, I just think that this is the biggest issue with this fic.
Uhh... dude, that's kinda creepy by just about anyone's standards. And I hate to nitpick more than I already am, but I'm fairly confident that Soarin' lives in Cloudsdale (see Rainbow Falls where Soarin' flies for the Cloudsdale team).
Actually it's "Rainbow Danger Dash"
And at last, the ending. I'm not gonna lie, there was a lot of promising build-up for this climax, especially when Rainbow asked Twilight if she ever thought to ask her. However, the ending was rather... abrupt. I understand that this was meant to be a short one-shot, but even then, the ending didn't feel satisfying to me as a reader. How Twilight instantly admitted her true love for Rainbow when she didn't seem to have any feelings beforehand (and the gifts do not really count here, those were basically from a secret admirer). I can understand that Twilight may be interested in Rainbow, especially after the lavishness of the gifts, but love so soon after that? Kinda hard to believe. I personally think it would have ended better if Rainbow had simply asked Twilight out on an official date. That, or everything they ate at the restaurant was spiked because Hearts and Hooves Day and all deh ponies wanted to get lucky
All in all, this was a cute, fluffy one-shot that I think you may have rushed to get out for Valentine's Day, and that shows in the characterization, pacing of events, and rhythm of the dialogue and narrative. Please understand that this was all only meant to be constructive criticism, and that I meant no offense to you or your story.
Best of luck with future stories.
3948231 Thanks
3948744 Ok.
3948759 Lol. Oblivious Twilight is fun to write.
3948778 Thank you.
3949174 You're right, with all of this.
I did rush it out, which is completely uncharacteristic of me as a writer and it definitely shows. Thank you for the constructive criticism. The only rebuttles I have are invalid because I didn't make it clear enough, but here they are anyway. Soarin was actually just visiting to ask RD out, and RD expected Twi to know that it had to be her because no one else paid that much attention or was around her long enough to know how to make her that happy with just a couple gifts. Also, her hoofwriting, though fancier than usual, should have been more familiar to her after all the letters and journal entries. However, once again, I rushed the details. 
3949296
Hey hey, not saying the story is bad. Just needs a little work, not all stories can come out perfect and ya just gotta realize that, try to figure out what your bad at (for me it's grammar...stupid grammar) and try to get better at it
3949395 I sorta' just rushed it, so I could get it out before the holliday ended. I don't usually do that, so this story ended up sub par. Somehow, it ended up being my most popular story and on the featured box, despite its many, many flaws.
How? Who knows? Lol.
3949411
Because AppleDash is great
3949635 You mean TwiDash? Lol.
3949645
...Twidash. Yes. This is what happens when I read like 3 different stories at 5 AM before work :3 Twilestia, Twidash, and Appledash stories :D
3949667 I prefer TwiLuna over Twilestia. Lol. idk why. I just ship Luna with Twilight and Trixie.
88 faves and over 100 upvotes! This is by far my most popular story!
I literally did a double take. Then laughed for like 5 minutes.
3949991 Lol. Why?
Liked and Favorited.
Oh looke I'm the 120th upvote.
The only thing better than Twidash is Twidash with Scootadopt
which I'm currnetly working on for a story of my own. This story is pure genius.
3950054 I'll have to check that out. I love that combo, myself.
Edit: Nevermind! It's already in my read later folder!
The end seemed really rushed to me, I like the buildup with the
stalkingromantic watching Rainbow did; but Twilight was really off to me, not her characterization, which was fine, but falling in love the second she finds out who sent her the box? That's really fast. It'd be understandable if she had felt that way for Dash from the beginning and was trying everyone else first to make sure it was Dash or something, but otherwise it just came off wrong to me.Also! Since this has recently become a huge peeve of mine! Quick tip about Who and Whom, Who is the one you use when describing a subject. While Whom is used to show pretty much anywhere else. (To Whom am I Speaking) (For Whom are these chocolates etc.)
Whoever created it.
Again it would be Whoever, as they were the one who wrote the letter.
3950068 What a strange coincidence... I suspect Discord had a part in this cross of destinies... or maybe not.
3950235 Thank you sooo much for re-explaining that to me. Lol. I couldn't quite remember the rule for that one.
I'll fix it now.
3950247 No problem, you wouldn't believe how much it annoys me when people misuse Whom. And I'm always willing to help people with grammar if I can, not that I'm perfect at it, but that's neither here nor there.
3950245 Lol. I feel like Destiny would be a seperate draconiquus. My headcannon is that there are more, and each of them represents different aspects of pony kind.
3950258 A very interesting concept. You just earned yourself a follower, good sir/ma'am.
3950278 Lol. Thanks. I'm incorporating that theory into my 3rd Twixie story coming out soon. Lol. I'm excited. I get excited about my own stories.
3950300 Twixie?! Awesome. That's up there with my favorite ships.
3950353 I have a series started of them. Lol.