Be Mine
written by LightningBass94
Graphic Reading :D
The Music Within Us was awesome enough to read this story on youtube. Here's the link. :D
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>> LightningBass94 that would be me xP
3955618 Hey, what's up? So, did you like my Brony reading vid?
3955618 Oh. Lol. Would you be willing to draw a picture of my avi? Please?
>>lightningbass, my schedule is pretty packed at the moment, so it's unlikely :
>>Music, your brony reading vid? I'm not quite sure what your speaking of.
3956259 He made a graphic reading of this story, and that's fine. If something changes and you find you have the time, will you let me know?
3956295 BTW, thanks for describing me as awesome, but trust me, if I was awesome, I'd have a lot of friends. But hey! Who's complaining when you've got MLP, at least a few friends, and story ideas popping up left and right?
3958794 Thank you.
That was really good
3959282 Thankyou.
Best twists shipping I've read so far(no joke)
3959318 No, thank you for reading.
3959323 Twists shipping?
Twidash my bad
3962559 Thank you. I myself feel as if her bravado is a mask at least part of the time. Without that, she's narcissistic and two-dimensional.
>>lightningbass, sure thing
3962761
3967920 ...it is teen.
3970641 Lol. I'm in the Navy. Maybe it's just in my blood?
Did you like this one?
3970661
I'm glad! 
I have a friend who shall remain nameless, who expressed a desire prior to Valentine's Day to cut himself off from the online world, especially fimfic, to avoid the rush of badly done, hurried holiday fics that would inevitibly be vomited upon the site. I suggested he not do so, because the bad fics would still exist the next day and now I have proof of at least one of those fics still existing this much time after still.
To be fair, the basic premise is kind of neat. I'd actually like to see it reused and done in a competent manner. The spelling and grammar, while not perfect, were better than average and very readable.
One of the first glaring flaws I noticed early on was weird and inconsistent formatting. For no apparent reason, Rainbow Dash's thoughts are in blue. Except in a few cases where instead they're told to us as narration instead of as blue internal dialogue. Also of note, she is the only one in the story to get this treatment as Twilight's thoughts are plain black like the rest of the text in the story. It is horribly distracting and immersion breaking, and doesn't appear to actually serve any useful purpose.
While the basic premise starts out interesting and the execution is believable in the beginning, the pacing falls flat and feels like it is dragging on in places. The scene with Big Mac is interesting and even a little cute. The scene with Caramel is a bit odd, but decently well done. The scene with Soarin' should simply be cut out as it serves absolutely no purpose, is boring, and I have to wonder why he's even in Ponyville at all. His presence actually makes the story worse because confusion as to why a Wonderbolt is even there in Ponyville distracts from the story.
The pacing for Dashie's part in the story starts off fairly well too. While revealing so early on that she is the one who sent those gifts kind of hamstrings any of the mystery value of the story, the lunch date turned out somewhat cute.
It seems like after the lunch date the story starts going into semi-WTF mode. While cute and probably salvageable, the scene with Caramel contains some weirdness. Twilight reveals that she is bi. Considering Caramel's own confession, orientations other than heterosexual don't seme to be all that big of a deal, so it is not like Twilight explicitly needs to hide hers. Her admission doesn't seem like she had been trying to hide it either. So why did she immediately think at the start of the story that only a stallion could have sent the gifts? Why did she choose to check with the stallions in town first and nearly run out of the day before asking single mares she might know? This is one of the basic parts of the plot, since up til this point Dash has been sad that Twilight apparently is straight.
In the second to last scene, the mangled name of Cheerilee stands out as being the one and only mare Twilight apparently asks in a three-hour span of time. Why did this take three hours? Why was the scene not given to us in real time like most of the stallions were? Why was this given to us as an aftermath presentation like Time Turner was? His mention made sense as one of many unnamed stallions she tried and served as an example.
At this point the story starts to feel incredibly rushed too. Between the haphazard mention of Cheerilee and the minimal interaction with Dash before breaking into another scene separator, this entire scene serves almost no real purpose. It should be either more direct interaction with Twilight's search, or it should be some more meaningful "giving up scene."
The final scene (which probably should have included the last paragraph from the prior one, where Dash knocks on the library door) tops off the story's blatantly rushed and mangled form for all of us to say.
Now, the actual confession itself by Dash is cute. However the resulting reactions are just... awkward and terribly presented. You spent most of the story building up the mistaken belief that Twi is straight, only to do nothing at all with it and blow that "secret" early. We the audience already knew Dash was the one who sent the gifts, so there was no secret there. Twi was apparently beaten savagely about the head and neck with the stupid stick this whole story and was completely taken off guard by Dash being the one, but then instantly falls head over heels in love with her. What kind of brandy were they drinking? Apparently flavorless kind according to the kisses.
As I said, this story could possibly be salvaged. Some of the individual scenes, like Big Mac's and the lunch may even be able to be simply copypasta'd into the new story directly. However the bulk of the story would have to be heavily rewritten into something actually good.
Cute, Good phasing, and very funny. i like this one. Not mush to say about it, good non the less
Am I the only one who thought "graphic reading" had something to do with clop? Or do I just have a seriously messed up mind (ehm, even more so than I thought)?
3985612
I'm guessing you meant "pacing"?
Much?
Nonetheless?
4031430 Maybe it does, and I have the meaning wrong? I dunno'...
4031715 Well, I'm pretty sure that term you used wasn't even a proper term, but that's a minor detail.
4031786 You're one to talk, Space Man.
Lol. Sorry. Between your pic and the fact you started that sentence with "Well," I couldn't help but read that in David Tennant's voice. 
4033317 I do that on purpose, you know.
4033455 I know. I read that in a forum somewhere. Still, I didn't expect it to happen to me.
4034081
4075775 Agreed.
3959393 sorry auto correct twidash
4099119 Ah. I see. Lol.
Ho-ly shit...I swear down I did NOT KNOW that the front cover of one of mine was the same as this one and had the same kind of thing between Dash and Twilight! D:
It is also a hearts and hooves day fic! IS THIS COPYRIGHT?! Please tell me mine isn't! javascript:smilie('
');
4353755 It's alright. You clearly state that your story is based off Agrodaemon's video, not my story. It's all good, man. I'm not going to report you for plagiarism. Lol. Mine's nothing like that video.
4354366 Phew. Oh, and sorry about the other story...I just HAD to delete it!
It upset you and Surry, and well, doing that isn't me. So, sorry about that.
And about Dead Loyalty: You actually like that kinda stuff?! javascript:smilie('
');
4354378
Wait...are you the guy we reported for plagiarism before?
Well, yeah. Lol. Poe's my favorite poet, and I've always loved dark stories and movies as long as they were done well. Even more so when they make me think like Donnie Darko.
Also, the premise seemed very similar to The Crow, and that is one of my absolute favorite movies. 
4354448 Hehe...yeah...but I'm more surprised you don't remember, actually. :/
But THAT is surprising! I've seen Donnie Darko and it was a lot better than I expected it to be, and the Crow? I was obsessed with it at one point! Each Halloween: The Crow. Sad and inspiring story line for writers to get an idea or two.
4354474 I remembered the event, but I quickly forgot your name and the name of the fic...
dat cover art
4503441 Thanks.
4505159 Thank you. Lol. This was my first story to be featured.
4563139 Thanks.
I wrote a review of this story; it can be found here.
5478031 Thank you. Honestly, I completely agree with your review. This story is downright terrible. I'm proud to say though, that I've grown exponentially as an author since writing this piece. I keep it up, because there are others that like it (for a reason that is lost to me), and it's an important milestone in my progress. I look back at this, and while I cringe at the entire story, I smile fondly remembering how exciting it was to get a story in the feature box for the first time and how it motivated me to be so much better than I was.
To be honest, I wrote this story in 4 hours. I almost never wrote it at all, but with a gentle shove from a friend, "Be Mine" was born. Though I'm not proud of the story itself, I'm proud of what it motivated me to become.
5478420
Every time I write something substantial, and get real feedback on it, I feel like I improve as a writer. It is a good feeling to have. Glad to hear you used this as a stepping stone.
5478538 Thanks. Now, a story of mine I would actually recommend would be the one I'm currently working on, though after I've revised the older chapters. If you'd like, I'll send you a PM with a link once I'm finished doing that. And if I may ask, who was it that recommended this story to you?
5478826
I don't remember at this point; I strongly suspect it was some member of the TwiDash group, but I couldn't tell you for sure.
And sure, feel free to shoot me a PM.
5653749 Thank you.
5944588 I completely agree that this story sucked. It's over 2 years old now, and I've advanced far beyond this as a writer.