Flutterpony
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This was very good. Well written, good emotion. Oh, and hot. Cannot forget hot.
3941196 Huzzah! Mission accomplished!
if this story was written for the My little fetish groups futa february contest you should add it to it.
3941282 Don't those entries require there to be futa? This doesn't have futa.
Fucking awesome.
I came.
Still though wish the stallions in the crowd got to have a turn too.
Well This was well written and pretty hot I enjoyed this little oneshot. Thank you for writing it.
3941433
aaaawwww....
3941454 Hehe
One contest at a time.
3941433 And thank you for reading!
3941332 When I'm not so busy maybe some day.
3941454 Um it might be a small mixup on your end but I didn't mention futa at all good sir/ma'am. The writer did though
3941497 No need for thanks this story was well worth it.
I didn't really find this story to be all that enjoyable unlike Fallen Angels. I can't be too harsh since a one-shot fic doesn't have much room for a build up.
For the sake of being blunt though, I felt that the start of the story felt like it was rushed to reach on Princess Tiara's scene with Pokey Pierce. Not to mention that Diamond Tiara's reaction with this tradition of the cuteceanera is pretty unrealistic in her scene. If she feels that this tradition is disgusting and shocking, then I would expect her to be sound frightened and anxious throughout the story until the near end. It doesn't make much sense for her to sound like she's being regular whiny, or being nonchalant during the party until she sees Pokey Pierce.
I digress, I mean no hard feelings to you Flutterpony. I'm saying this in hopes that you might iron out these issues with the story.
Not bad. You got my full attention
ifyouknowwhatimean.jpg
I only hope you do a prequel with silver spoon though! That would be an interesting read!
You almost succeeded in making Diamond Tiara not completely detestable and that in and of itself is quite an accomplishment. Also, this was very well written and deliciously carnal. I would say you have a pretty good handle on this particular subset of clop dear. Well done once again...
3941617 Yeah. This is a shameless clopfic. Really very different in quality and content from Fallen Angels. I mostly wanted it done for the foalcon crack shipping contest and to try my hoof at actual erotica (like I said in the note, I don't think I'm super great at it).
I do appreciate the pointers a lot though. It's nice to have the audience from my main fic compare the two. I think I may smooth out the transition a little between Diamond's brief scene with her dad and the cuteceanera, but adding length and detail to the back story would distract from the main purpose of the fic which was the clop and highlighting DT's relationship with her peers and father.
I care about making DT's emotions clear, and especially appreciate your commentary on her disgust. I'll probably tweak the wording a bit so that readers understand she's not actually disgusted, but, rather, thinks the whole thing is beneath her. It sounds like that didn't come across fully.
3941810 She's the filly we love to hate.
Thank you kindly!
3941638 Thanks very much for reading!
I'm more likely to simply make a second chapter if I do continue work on this at some point, but seeing DT's shock at her friend's behavior and knowing how it affected Silver Spoon would make a great fic.
3941968 I personally think the flow could use some work, and some of the phrasing is a bit unfocused. Those always take me the longest time to get just right, so I'm not surprised you say it's too flowery. I'm mostly focused on my other fic right now and kind of hurried through this one. Thanks for the feedback in any case. Always welcome, especially since this is my second published fic ever.
3942208 I figure it comes with being in a major that focuses a lot on literature.. or at least I like to tell myself that so I can think what I've learned is useful
3942150 Fleshing out the scenes doesn't detract from the clop, but it rather makes it more impactful, because there's more depth added to the characters and gives the reader to have more concern as to what the character is about to or already is going through.
Sometimes, you don't need to tell the reader what the character's relationship with another character is. That's why Fallen Angels is an engaging fic to me. It takes two unlikely lovers, and by what they say for one another and do for one another to keep their love afloat, it makes their relationship much more believable and does a good job of making the readers sympathise with them.
In other words, by making Diamond Tiara talk to her dad as if she was in a life or death situation, and him giving giving her the reassurance that everything will go well for a while, it makes it the scene much more enticing and alive. Take it an extra step further by her having a bit of chit-chat with the characters while she does her best to remain calm. All of these simple changes will have a bigger impact to the clop in my opinion, because the reader gets to read their reaction to a given situation.
That's not to say explaining something is always bad thing, but it shouldn't replace dialogue all the time to properly portray what a character is going through.
I know this story was written in a hurry and erotica isn't your forte, but that's where my final piece of advice comes in. Just take your time with your material. Most readers would rather wait a while for a well-written chapter, than a rushed one with many rough edges.
I wish you the very best.
Cheers
-majema007
P.S. Forgive me if my advice isn't all that useful. I'm not all that good with tips for writers myself
P.P.S. If you want the audience not to think that Diamond Tiara considers this act disgusting, then you'll need to revise to sentence. "They selfishly refused to acknowledge it, and, ever so unfairly, Diamond Tiara had to win their respect twice, first, naturally, for the mere fact that she was superior, and again by condescending to their level with this humiliating, disgusting ritual."
Sorry, but... I didn't like it
Not gonna downvote since the writing is fine (one typo though- shown should be shone), but the subject matter is pretty much entirely against my morals and tastes... which I pretty much knew going in, but figured I'd give it a chance since your other story is so good 
Oh well.
derpy.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/139094541425.png
I really enjoyed this, a bit short but flawless otherwise. I hope you do well in the comp
No, this contains Gratuitous public humiliation of a slutty little bitch that no one even likes.
And that's why her father hired someone else to do it, so he wouldn't get his cock near that bitch.
3942362 Italian super-senior.
3942975 Totally understandable, and thanks for understanding anyway. Shrugpony indeed.
Thanks for pointing out the error. I've actually never considered that shone and shown are different.
3943157 Many thanks!
3942391 I decided last night that you're totally right a little while after you posted the previous comment, and I think your added advice is really good! It'll be a matter of finding time before I can actually follow it.
The story will have to stay weak for a while unfortunately. The whole reason I didn't spend a lot of time on this was the same reason I'm writing slowly now for Fallen Angels.
In any case thanks!
3943319 It wouldn't be so delicious to see her embarrassed and cringing otherwise would it? .. Then again, maybe it would.
3944524 I like how I got downvotes on my comment. I loved the story. It was great. Why am I getting hate? Is it because I called Diamond Tiara a slut? Eh, whatever. Great fic, wouldn't mind seeing more cutecenara cock-worshipping.
I want to see a colt's cutecenara now.
3944749 Hoh a colt's cuteceanera.. (coltceanera?).. hmm. I've thought about that, but the quinceanera ceremony for girls irl is gender specific. Maybe something like a bar mitzva could work, but that's a religious thing so I figure it'd conflict more with the whole deflowering thing. There are probably other rite of passage ceremonies we could explore for colts though.
3944921 Yeah, I know the irl deal is gender specific, but both genders get cutie marks, so in this medium I'd think it's plausible to stretch it to cover boys and girls.
How about something like... hmm...
....
I can't even think of anything that is for boys. Wow, we kinda pamper girls with parties. No wonder I didn't get a sweet sixteen or anything like that. *Le dramatically whiny sigh
3944952 oh! maybe first communion. It's still religious, but it's at a younger age and you know the reputation of priests. As a plus, Ponyville has lots of buildings in the background with crosses so it fits in canon.
3945292 also, cummunion.
3947062 Oh that pun.
You know I'm sure one day I will find a story where tiara will get the decency knocked into her. there is something wrong about feeling Nothing for your partner that just kills the mood of the Story(not just the clop scene) heck even at least rape has obsession, this felt like a Real porn trying to have a plot(no pun) and Failing, two characters go at it .... because whatever. Without SOMEKIND of chemistry I feels wooden.
3953778 Aye. Many crackship pairings have this challenge. It's set in an Equestria that treats sex lightly compared to our own world, so that also takes away some of the emotion. I understand if that's not your thing.
There's a chance that, had I had more time, I might have been able to write more of a connection between Pierce (Pinprick according to the official cards), and DT. That'll go on my to-do list along with filling in some of the happenings between her and her father and her and the guests before the sex scene.
I'm still wary about adding a lot of detail, but some day I might try anyway. I want this to be a fast but emotional clop. It's a tricky balance.
3953714 Yeah, I'm horrible. Deal.
3953870 I understand that. I'm just saying That the difference between this and the absolute MASTERPIECE that is Fallen Angel is completely Staggering. I'm curious this Foalcon contest Was it Timed or what was the limitations of the challenge that shunted your Incredibly creative mind?
3954799 Oh now you flatter me.
It's a combination of things that leads to this being more shallow by far.
First, yeah, I thought the deadline was at the end of the month but it keeps getting extended because it lacks participants. I could improve this fic now that there's more time, but, like I said in the latest chapter's notes for Fallen Angels, I actually don't have much time in real life, and I'd rather spend it on Fallen Angels than on revising this, naturally. I figure readers will like that better anyhow.
The second thing you said is also true. The only restriction for the contest is that it should be a crackship, but there's weakness inherent in that kind of fic that would take more time to overcome than I'm willing to devote.
On the plus side, this little one shot seems to be bringing more readers to Fallen Angels. I've been tempted to do one shots before, but the contest finally gave me an excuse to set FA aside for a week.
If I weren't restricted by the crackship thing I'd have preferred to do something much more intimate. The idea for Saddles is just something silly that came to me, and I posted about it and got positive responses on the Foalcon group forum. In a mood, I decided to appeal to fetishes. That made it easier to appeal to a broad audience as well while not having to spend so much time on it.
It's a pity FA hasn't gotten so popular so quickly despite the time that goes into it, but I didn't start writing it to get popular anyway y'know?
3954799 Oh, and the other, perhaps the main thing, that sets this fic apart from Fallen Angels is that, whether or not others agree, the premise for Saddles here is completely unfulfilling and could never bring people happiness or satisfaction beyond the carnal pleasures associated with hollow sexual indulgence. This is exactly the sort of fantasy that Fluttershy in FA might, in a weak moment, use to escape reality for a short while before only feeling worse about herself.
3954915 It's not flattery when its true.
3954915
Shakespearicles had a similar situation with his story Liquid Pride (which is excellent and you should read it whenever you have time). Final chapter of an epic tale of siblings in love was outshined by a quick and dirty one-shot.
Long stories with sex scenes seem to gather highly dedicated fans, but not very many of them. Probably why there's not a big market for them in mainstream media... which is conversely why the fans are so happy when people do write them, because there aren't that many to pick from. I guess it's what they call a niche market. Lacks the glamor of mainstream, but can be even more fulfilling because with less readers and writers, each individual makes a proportionally bigger difference to the group
3956720 I think you hit the nail on the head there.
3956280 I think I'll call it a masterpiece if I'm thoroughly satisfied with the end product. Right now it's certainly the most important thing I feel I've written for ages. I expect it will turn out pretty good at least, if not as good as I think we all hope it will.
This is still a fun read (and I laugh every time I see how many downvotes I got on my first comment. I mean, c'mon guys, are you really taking that seriously?), and I certainly wouldn't mind seeing Pokey return for Apple Bloom's, unless Big MacIntosh can take care of her.
Not to mention Sweetie Belle and Magnum. Mmm mmm~ Sucks to be Scoots, I guess, unless you wanna go the "OC Parents" route.
Fun times
this is sad. I don't even usually tolerate father daughter pairings and i just feel bad for Diamond because how enthused she was that her own father would be the one to mount her like Silver's father took her virginity..
I am so confused what I should feel.
5200276 Confused is my MO.
5200279 I think this story deserves additional chapters/ a sequel.
5996063 Diamond still has a lot of "thank you's" to give.
Hot stuff!!
6225691 My first one-shot! Glad you liked it!
This was hot. Pity Filthy Rich didn't realize Diamond Tiara wanted him to take her virginity. Oh well. Do more one-shots.
6255933 they're good for followers. If I do more one shots outside of my currently planned ones, I'll probably make them non-clop, though.