Chapter 1 - The Return, but of the Wrong Pony
Chapter 1
The Return, but of the Wrong Pony
_____________________________________________________________________
She groaned. She felt like she’d been put through a tumble drier on high and she felt... strange.
She tried to stand up, but found, for some reason, she couldn’t and fell down again, her face meeting mossy earth.
She frowned. Mossy earth? That didn’t seem right.
She slowly sat up; at least she wasn’t having problems doing that. She opened her eyes and looked around. She appeared to be in some kind of forest.
“Well, that’s not right,” she said, looking around with confusion. “Wasn’t I at Canterlot High a few seconds ago?”
She moved a hand to rub her neck and froze; Where she had expected to see a hand, there was a hoof instead.
She looked around frantically. Seeing a small puddle of water a meter away. She looked at the surface of the water and her eyes widened.
The image she saw still had her red hair with its streaks of yellow—giving it a flaming look—and her green eyes were still the same, but the face staring back at her wasn't human; It was the face of a yellow unicorn.
“What happened?” she cried, putting her hooves to her head. Then she started to frantically wave them, as if trying to shoo away a fly.
She started to hyperventilate, then calmed her breathing and tried to think clearly. Her mother had always said, "Never panic right away. Think the situation through before reacting."
“Okay, Sunset Shimmer,” she said to herself, finally getting her breathing back to normal. “Think. What happened before you woke up as a... I can’t believe I’m gonna say this. What happened before you woke up as a pony?”
_____________________________________________________________________
Seconds Before for Sunset
The Human World
_____________________________________________________________________
“Oh, man! I’m gonna be late!” Sunset Shimmer cried as she ran along the footpath. She’d slept in and had to skip breakfast so that she wouldn’t be late.
Dad’ll kill me if I’m late on the first day, she scolded herself as she turned a corner and saw Canterlot High several feet away.
“Yes!” she cried, speeding up pace as she saw the high building stretching up. “I might just make it before—”
Sunset Shimmer slowed down, then stopped. She looked towards the horse statue that stood outside the school and noticed someone was standing there. They were looking around, as if slightly surprised by what they saw.
I should hurry inside before the bell rings, she thought, turning to head into the school. Then she turned back to the person standing by the statue. They seemed lost.
Well, her mother always said, help others and good things will happen to you.
Sunset nodded to herself, then walked over to the person, calling out, “Hey, there! Need any help—?” Her words caught in her throat.
The person standing before her was a girl who looked about her age. She was wearing the same red and orange top, red skirt and brown sneakers as her. Not only that, but the girl's eyes, hair, face, and even her skin looked just like her own.
“Who’re you?” they both asked in unison. “Me? I asked you first? Quit copying me!”
This went on for a few minutes, before the other girl held up a hand and said, “Okay, I think I’d better start off.” She cleared her throat and—with a snobbish look Sunset had seen on some of the spoiled rich kids back at her old school—said, “I am Sunset Shimmer, personal student of Princess Celestia, ruler of all of Equestria.”
Sunset Shimmer frowned. Princess Celestia? The only Celestia she knew was the principal of her new school, but she was certain Principal Celestia wasn’t a princess.
Wait a minute. The girl said her name was Sunset Shimmer?
“That can’t be,” Sunset Shimmer said, shaking her head. “My name’s Sunset Shimmer. And how come you look just like me? Are we related?”
“In a way, you could say that,” the other Sunset said, that smug look still on her face. “Am I right in guessing you’re going to this school?” She thrust a thumb in the direction of Canterlot High.
“Well, yes,” Sunset said, then gasped. “I’m going to be so late!”
She turned to leave, but the other Sunset grabbed her by the arm. “I’m glad there was another me on this side. Taking over your life will be a lot easier than trying to create my own.”
Sunset began to ask, “What do you—” when the sun was suddenly hidden behind the moon. What had that gotten there? There wasn’t meant to be a solar eclipse today.
“See ya,” the other Sunset’s voice said from within the darkness and Sunset felt herself being thrown in what she knew was the direction of the statue’s base.
She screamed, readying for the pain of her face being smashed against stone, when I bright light blinded her and she remembered nothing more.
_____________________________________________________________________
Present Time
Here
_____________________________________________________________________
Sunset Shimmer opened her eyes, glaring.
That other her, of course. She’d done something, sent her to... wherever here was and somehow managed to turn her... into a pony? Why?
She glanced to her back and saw that, on each side of her was a saddle bag. Had the other her done that too, changed to backpack into a pair of saddle bags? Her frowned deepened. There was a mark on her flank shaped like the sun print she’d had on her dress. What was that doing there? She checked her other flank and saw the same mark on there too. This was getting weirder every second.
She patted the horn on her head. It kinda looked like a narwhal’s horn, the way it spiraled. But its tip was blunt, not pointy. She wondered what it was for.
Sunset Shimmer got up slowly and looked around. She couldn’t tell which way to go. For all she knew, she was on the other side of the world.
“But I’ve never seen some of these plants before,” she murmured, looking at a bunch of strange blue flowers.
She was about to touch one, when something told her not to. She backed away, tripping on her rear legs and fell onto her back.
“Right,” she said firmly. “First things first, Sunset. Gotta sort out your balance.”
It took a few minutes, but, eventually, Sunset Shimmer was able to stand on her four legs and walk. She had to pay attention to when she lifted her front hooves in time with her back hooves, but she got it in the end, sorta.
Deciding it was best not to wait around in a forest she didn’t know, Sunset Shimmer started walking— no, trotting through the forest.
_____________________________________________________________________
For about half an hour she trotted, looking at the strange flora and fauna as she went. She’d never seen anything like this forest before. She’d certainly never read about it and she was a very studious studier.
“Maybe I’m in another... nah,” she said, chuckling. “Another world? That’s just ridiculous.” She began laughing and then she stopped. “Although no one in my world has ever turned into a pony before.”
This sudden realization made her very uneasy and would have scared her, when she realized she was really hungry and remembered how she hadn’t had breakfast. Actually, she wasn’t just hungry, she was really, really hungry.
Her stomach growled and Sunset winced. It had hurt a little. How long had she been out?
She moved to over one of the saddle bags, when she remembered she didn’t have hands anymore. Reluctantly, she used her new muzzle to open both bags, trying to find the lunch she’d packed for school. If she wasn’t gonna be at school today she may as well eat it now.
But it was gone. All her food was gone. Only a few things she’d planned to show anyone who’d be friends with her were left. A photo of her when she was eight and few drawings, in case there was an art club she could join and her school supplies.
“But I’m starving!” she cried, looking around for something to eat. It felt like she hadn’t eaten in years.
Her eyes fell on something glowing. It was a bush of big blue berries that were in bunches, like grapes.
Now, normally, Sunset Shimmer wouldn’t think twice about eating a plant or fruit she didn’t know anything about, especially when said fruit is glowing, but she was so hungry she threw caution to the wind and started gulping down as many glowing blue grapes as she could, despite the difficulty of having to grab her food with her mouth.
Several minutes later, something stopped Sunset Shimmer as she was about to eat another bunch of the berries that tasted pretty good.
She felt strange. Well, stranger.
She looked down at her hooves. They seemed to be getting smaller. That was weird. Also, why was the ground getting closer?
It took a second before it processed through Sunset Shimmer’s mind. She was shrinking!
“Help!” she cried and tried to run, only to fall forward and land with her forehooves beneath her.
“Who’s there?” a female voice called out, sounding not too far away.
“Help me!” Sunset cried as she did her best to stand up, but fell back down. Something was stopping her from standing. “I’m shrinking!”
The sound of galloping hooves came from somewhere, getting close very quickly. When Sunset Shimmer looked up, she saw a purple unicorn.
No. It wasn’t a unicorn. Unicorns don’t have wings.
The... whatever it was stared at her with wide eyes. “Sunset Shimmer? What’s going on? How did you get here?”
She paused. It knew her name? How could it know her name? And what was a unicorn with wings doing here in the first place?
Sunset Shimmer didn’t get to have any of these questions answered. She was still shrinking and the winged unicorn was towering over her now.
“Wat’s Happwning?” she cried, then gasped. “Why am iw tawking wike a baby?”
The winged unicorn gulped. “Because... you are a baby.”
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This should be interesting. We never did learn what happened to the human world Sunset Shimmer, assuming there was one of course.
well, I would say that the Sunset Shimmer from earth was on another city like the Twilight of the movie, but then again this sounds really interesting
No problems, great so far, you had my curiosity now you have my attention
3934491 I didn't see any evidence of that in the movie, from what I saw Twilight just didn't exist in that world. I don't mean to sound gruff with this
3935197
Pinkie Pie mentions the other Twilght.
Right, this... is actually fairly terrible. I'm not going to comment about your story itself (saving you from my anti-human bias), but the sheer number of errors in grammar and spelling.
Just looking at your synopsis: I can see failure to spell, failure to capitalize the start of a sentence, a missing period, and your sentences just sound wrong.
Take some advice, read what you write aloud. That alone will fix most of your structure errors. A comma is a slight pause, you stop talking on a period, and if it sounds like you're doing the verbal equivalent of a u-turn, then rewrite it.
Several people have already mentioned that you've misspelled Zecora's name several times, Sunset Shimmer's name is also wrong in your synopsis.
You've got a grand total of seven thousand or so words in this, that's hours of work that you want feedback on. You owe it to yourself to do that properly. So you're going to have to spend time relearning everything your English teachers failed to teach you in school. I should know, I had to reteach myself all that myself. These days as long as you can read road signs it's good enough.
Here's what you do: track down a 'Style Guide' from your parent's book collection, or a local library. Read all of it. Focus on anything to do with commas, those are important. Figuring out what the hell a 'clause' is will set you up for victory. Once you've got some of the ideas in your head, start reading other people's work and you'll start noticing how all those weird grammar rules fit together. Personally, I'll suggest reading anything from the main authors in 'The Winningverse' because they have a good editing setup and produce some good examples of writing.
From there you'll start to improve through demonstration and experience.
On a final note: Criticism is something all artists get, and writing is most definitely an art. You're going to get a lot of it, especially when you publicly post it. If you get all huffy because someone says you're being silly, then you're setting yourself up to wallow in ignorance and failure. I'd hate that, because I've just gave up a good 15 minutes of my time to try and help you. Do your best to improve yourself.
Better sort out your grammar first.
Good story so far. Must read the next two chapters.
I like this but the fact that Twilight Knows Sunset Shimmer is kind of off for me. Is this an Alternative Universe? If it is, I'm okay with it. Just saying, but in the movie Twilight didn't Know Sunset and it looks like Sunny starting taking over that school years ago before Twilight even got her wings. The movie itself has a few holes, like Sunny escaped to the other universe a year before Twilight started being taught by the Princess herself. Unless she found the Fountain of Youth, the movie still has a few holes. Don't take my comment as a bad thing, I sometimes over think things. I like learning a bit more about the History of Equestria. English isn't my first language and I know I have mistakes in my own stories.
Here's the short version. I like the story of this, the grammar needs a little bit of work, but I like where this is going. Keep working on it.
3943457 I'm with ya on that!
... That was two and a half years before Twilight went to Canterlot High and met Sunset Shimmer.
No AU tag, bad timeline, plot holes.
Ohhh, alt-Sunset. I don't think I've ever seen an alt-Sunset story before.
Dis story is good too read and funny too boot i keep me eye on dis one
now i have six day's on story too read
I never thought of sunsetshimer other self you have my interest
I have mixed feelings on this chapter.
First off, the whole thing feels... blunt. It feels like Sunset immediately jumps from one line to the next, without any description
She woke up
She did this
She saw this
etc.
The second thing is the time difference between SS entering the portal and exiting. Pony Shimmer entered the portal before Celestia took Twilight on as a student (probably around 10-20 years before the events of Equestria Girls, depending on how old you think Twilight is), she immediately throws Human Sunset back through the portal where she wakes up not only in the future, but in the middle of the woods. I'm sure this will be addressed at some point though.
The concept sounds good overall. It just needs some buff and polish. Onward to Chapter 2.
Sent her forward in time, did she?
3935197 In the credits for Rainbow Rocks, it shows Twilight and Spike from the human world.
Errors in the story:
-How does Twilight know Sunset Shimmer?
If this takes place before Equestria Girls, then Twilight wouldn't know who she is, as Sunset Shimmer would have been at Canterlot High for at least two and a half years before she steals Twilight's Crown.
If this takes place after Equestria Girls, then Sunset Shimmer would have already been at Canterlot High for at least two and a half years. Plus, she would have already become good and be friends with the Mane Six. (Well, the Alternate Mane Six. ...Main Six?)
-How does Sunset Shimmer end up in the Everfree Forest?
At no time was the mirror in the Everfree Forest. It was kept in Canterlot at first, then later moved to the Crystal Empire, after that it was moved to some unknown location for "safe keeping", and finally to Ponyville.
-What's with the moon?
Why does the moon just randomly move in front of the sun before Sunset Shimmer is pushed through the portal?
Wording:
The word "her" is unneeded here. Try replacing with with in.
Try this instead:
She moved a hand to rub her neck and froze; Where she had expected to see a hand, there was a hoof instead.
I think you meant meter, not metre.
Try this:
She looked at the surface of the water and her eyes widened.
The reflection of the face staring back would be like holding a mirror up to the reflection in the puddle. The word "a" isn't needed. In the description of a unicorn, you don't need to include "furred" or "pony", as they are already indicated, considering the fact that when you think of a unicorn, you generally think of a pony or horse with a horn. Both of which have fur.
This would be better:
The image she saw still had her red hair with its streaks of yellow—giving it a flaming look—and her green eyes were still the same, but the face staring back at her wasn't human; It was the face of a yellow unicorn.
Considering it has already happened, I would suggest saying "What happened?" instead.
Better wording could be:
“What happened?” she cried, putting her hooves to her head. Then she started to frantically wave them, as if trying to shoo away a fly.
Try this:
She started to hyperventilate, then calmed her breathing and tried to think clearly. Her mother had always said, "Never panic right away. Think the situation through before reacting."
Try:
Sunset Shimmer slowed down, then stopped. She looked towards the horse statue that stood outside the school and noticed someone was standing there. They were looking around, as if slightly surprised by what they saw.
Try:
I should hurry inside before the bell rings, she thought, turning to head into the school. Then she turned back to the person standing by the statue. They seemed lost.
Try:
The person standing before her was a girl who looked about her age. She was wearing the same red and orange top, red skirt and brown sneakers as her. Not only that, but the girl's eyes, hair, face, and even her skin looked just like her own.
Try:
She cleared her throat and—with a snobbish look Sunset had seen on some of the spoiled rich kids back at her old school—said “I am Sunset Shimmer, personal student of Princess Celestia, ruler of all of Equestria.”
Those are just from the first quarter of the first chapter. Maybe you should get a proof-reader?
Also, I'm not trying to be mean, it's just that I am OCD and it bothers me when there are grammatical, spelling, and/or punctuation errors. I also get annoyed when things aren't consistent.
5312434 different universes there might be a time difference. time is often warped even when you are just on one plane of existence. hell i once got shoved a year into the future. i went from the summer of my first grade year to the summer of what should have been my second grade summer. couldn't remember a thing in between but somehow i had managed to get a big(at the time) scar running down my back. thank god i am best actor. i convinced my mother i wanted to see how much she remembered. yeah lost weekend... i lost a whole damn year! my only explanation is time travel. but yeah twinned universes probably have some quirks when traveling between them perhaps it is fate. why do i know so much?...
yea for age regression,
6371002
A few months ago, I left an interview at a warehouse, turned right, and started walking down the industrialized street. I blink, and I'm in a forest thingie, a path was easy to find. I came out a few minutes later in the rear parking lot of Puget Sound Community College, miles from the warehouse and two days later. Explanation?
I'm worried it could be some sort of short term memory lapse triggered by my PTSD somehow....
8973076
hmmm maybe you got high as can be and cant remember
quite an interesting start to the story
So thats what happened to human sunset shimmer