Army of Snarkness Pt. 2 (A Canterlot Wedding Pt. 2)
Scootaloo stepped off the train, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom following close behind her.
“Whew,” she said with a sigh. “That train ride took a lot longer than I thought it would.”
“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom, nodding in agreement. “I mean, I know they say it’s only a few hours, but sheesh, it feels like it's been, like, three years.”
Sweetie Belle shrugged. “It’s all relative, I suppose. In any case, I’m pretty hungry. We should go get something to eat.”
Scootaloo nodded her head excitedly. “Yeah! That sounds great!” She looked around, a wide grin on her face as she breathed in deeply the scent of Canterlot, which, as it happened, was a sort of unpleasant musky flavor, not that that bothered Scootaloo any. Glancing back at her friends, she said, “We’re finally here. Are you girls ready? I’ve got a feeling that this is going to be a good day.”
Apple Bloom frowned, a hoof moving to her chin. “Hmm, my sis had a saying for things like that. What was it again? Famous, er, horse words… or something.”
“Famous last words,” said Sweetie Belle as she came up beside Scootaloo. “Famous last words,” she repeated, more quietly and to herself this time.
Her hoofsteps echoing as she made her way through the cavern, Eyepatch couldn’t help but grin that sort of grin that villains always have. There was a light at the end of the tunnel now, and as it refracted off all the crystals growing unevenly around the cave Eyepatch’s face lit up in brilliant light.
“Ah, jeez!” she said, holding a hoof up to her non-eyepatched eye. “That’s freaking bright.”
With a chuckle, Bowless said, “Good thing you have that eyepatch, huh?”
“It only covers one eye, idiot,” said Bow, smacking the other filly on the back of the head.
“Quiet, both of you!” snapped Eyepatch, whipping around to face the fillies behind her. “You’re ruining my badass villain reveal.”
“Gee, sorry boss,” said Bowless sheepishly. “I know how long you’ve been waiting for this. I didn’t mean to step all over your lines. I’ll just go ahead and shut up now. I’m gonna go stand over here and wait for your entrance to be done then I’ll step back in and we can reveal ourselves too and then it’ll be even cooler! I mean, one villain reveal is pretty sweet, but how about a triple reveal? Now that’s pretty freakin’ awesome.”
Eyepatch’s one good eye narrowed. “Would you just shut up already? You’ve already ruined this entire thing. There’s no point in even bothering with the reveal now. The moment’s passed. Stick a fork in it; it’s done.”
Casting her head down, Bowless absentmindedly kicked a pebble with her hoof. It bounced off a crystal and hit Bow in the face. “Sorry, boss. I was just trying to help make things cooler. I thought I could at least make it…” she paused, cocking her head slightly as she did some mental math. “I dunno, about twenty per—”
Bow shoved a hoof in Bowless’s mouth. “Don’t even. That joke is so old it should be collecting retirement now.”
Letting out a long, slow, agonized sigh, Eyepatch massaged her forehead with a hoof. “This is just turning into a big disaster. Why did I ever bring you two into this in the first place?” She cast her eyes up to try and find the hateful gods that had done this to her, quickly remembering that they were still inside the cave and so she was just looking at a reflection of herself in one of the hanging crystals. “Don’t even start with me,” she hissed at her reflection.
Shaking her head, Eyepatch waved at Bow and Bowless, motioning them towards the exit. “Well, come on then. We might as well get our plan started since you idiots have already ruined our entrance.” With Bow and Bowless following behind her, Eyepatch stepped out into the light of day, finally exiting the cave. “It was gonna be so badass too,” she whispered to herself.
Stepping out into the bright sunlight, Eyepatch stole a cloak from a passing pony. Wrapping herself in the cloak, she then immediately threw it off dramatically. Somehow that just seemed like the right thing to do in this scenario. Casting a glance back at her minions, Eyepatch gave an evil grin. Her orange fur and purple mane fluttered softly in the breeze. Scootaloo 2 put a hoof around Bow and Bowless, or rather, Apple Bloom 2 and Sweetie Belle 2.
”This day will be just perfect!
My plan to kill those three will fin’lly come to pass.
Scootaloo’ll meet her maker,
And I’ll be the one to take her!
No silly spells or friends’ll save her a~ss.”
Throwing her hooves in the air, Scootaloo 2 laughed maniacally.
“Ow, jeez, that was right in my ear,” whined Sweetie Belle 2, sticking a hoof in her ear.
“Oh, shut up.”
“All right, so what do you girls wanna do first?” asked Scootaloo as she skipped along merrily through the Canterlot streets.
Sweetie Belle rubbed her stomach, whimpering slightly. “I just wanna eat.”
“Oh!” Apple Bloom said excitedly, jumping up and down. “There’s a place over yonder that you girls’ll love. They’ve got apple pies, and apple fritters, and apple jam, and apple souffle, and apple carbonara, and apple on the rocks, and apple—”
“Yeah, I think we get it, AB,” Scootaloo said. “Anyway, I’m freakin’ sick of apples. That was the only snack you brought on the train. Don’t you ever get tired of ‘em?”
Her mouth stuffed with an apple she had procured from her pony pocket, wherever that might be, Apple Bloom responded, “What’dja mean?”
Rolling her eyes, Sweetie Belle started to say something that undoubtedly would have been snarky, but instead she stopped when she noticed a trio of ponies approaching them. “Hey,” she said, nudging Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, “don’t they look familiar?”
Scootaloo squinted, leaning forward. Her eyes shot wide open. “That’s…us!”
The sky darkened, lightning cracked across the sky as the ground split open and Hell itself was revealed, spewing fire and flame all across Canterlot like a great demon wyrm had been birthed from the gut of the city and shot forth. At least, that’s how Scootaloo imagined it would be if this were a lot more awesome. Instead, it was fairly normal all things considered. Normal except for the fillies right in front of them who appeared to be, well, them.
Scootaloo 2 strode confidently towards her counterpart, a few steps ahead of Sweetie Belle 2 and Apple Bloom 2. Stamping her hoof down, she silently ordered her minions to stop. Her eye narrowing, she stared Scootaloo down, a crooked grin crossing her face.
“It’s been oh so long,” she said, taking a few steps closer to Scootaloo, “since we’ve seen each other. Have you missed me?” Running her hoof across Scootaloo’s face, Scootaloo 2 laughed. “I’ve missed you.”
Scootaloo cocked an eyebrow, recoiling a bit as Scootaloo 2’s hoof ran through her mane. “Um… who are you, and why do you look like me?”
Scootaloo 2 stepped back in shock. “What?”
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, the original ones, stepped forward to stand beside Scootaloo (also the original). “Yeah,” said Sweetie Belle, “and why does she look like me?” Sweetie Belle motioned towards the imposter, Sweetie Belle 2, with the same disgust one would show towards roadkill.
“Hey, how come y’all look like us, but the Scootaloo one has an eyepatch?” asked Apple Bloom, skipping right to the important questions as always.
“Oh this,” said Scootaloo 2, grinning evilly as she pointed towards her eyepatch. “This was a little gift I got from you!” She pointed an accusatory hoof at Scootaloo. “You thought I died under that pile of money all those years go, didn’t you?” She laughed. “Oh, you only wish I died. I have come back stronger than you could ever imagine!”
Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, glancing back at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “What the heck’s she talking about? What pile of money? When have we ever had money?”
“Wait,” said Scootaloo 2, “you really don’t remember?”
Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle all shook their head simultaneously. “Nope, no idea what you’re babbling on about,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.
Scootaloo 2 stamped her hoof on the ground angrily. “Nightmare Night? Luna cloned you, Scootaloo?”
Her eyebrow rising a little higher, Scootaloo just shrugged again.
“Luna cloned you so you could get more candy, only when she made me, you lost all your organs and they appeared inside of me?”
Scootaloo cast a glance at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “Any idea what she’s talking about?”
“I think I kinda, sorta remember something like that,” said Apple Bloom, a strained look on her face as she tried to remember.
“So, how did you get the eyepatch then,” said Sweetie Belle, motioning towards Scootaloo 2.
“After the Nightmare Night, I survived the Everfree Forest,” said Scootaloo 2 with a heavy sigh, “and fled to Canterlot where I had been living ever since. One day, you three came back into my life and crushed me under a big sack of bits. But I survived!”
“Kay,” said Scootaloo slowly, “but that doesn’t explain the eyepatch still.”
Scootaloo 2 clenched her teeth. “Look, just don’t worry about it. The point is that I hate you and I’m getting revenge on you three.”
“Pfffft,” Sweetie Belle said, breaking out into laughter. “Revenge for what? Sounds like you did this to yourself, you idiot.”
Grinding her hoof into the ground, Scootaloo 2 spoke through gritted teeth. “I didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I didn’t ask for any of this.”
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stood on either side of Scootaloo, cocky grins on their faces. With a toss of her mane, Sweetie Belle’s horn started to glow. “Well, if you came here to try and hurt Scootaloo, then you did ask for an ass-kicking.”
“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom, rearing up on her hind legs and kicking the air, “and yer gonna get one!”
Scootaloo held up a hoof. “Wait, wait, wait. There’s still something I don’t understand.” She pointed a hoof towards Sweetie Belle 2 and Apple Bloom 2. “Who the heck are those guys? Luna didn’t make clones of all three of us did she?”
Gesturing towards her minions, Scootaloo 2 said, “Oh, them? They’re changelings. Spoiler alert, but this city is about to destroyed by the changeling horde.” She laughed maniacally. With a puff of greenish smoke and a flash of magic, Sweetie Belle 2 and Apple Bloom 2 transformed into nameless changelings. With a bug-like whir of their wings, they took to the sky and aimed green bolts of lighting down at Scootaloo and her friends.
“Apple Bloom, watch out!” shouted Scootaloo, diving towards Apple Bloom to knock her out of the way of the changeling’s attack. “Sweetie Belle, shield! Now!” she said, turning towards Sweetie Belle with her hoof outstretched.
“What? I don’t know any shield spells,” Sweetie Belle said, her voice cracking slightly. “I haven’t unlocked them yet.”
“Oh, right,” said Scootaloo, a little crestfallen. “Well, then just run!”
“Yeah, duh,” Sweetie Belle called as she began to sprint away from the impact crater of the green lighting and towards her friends. “Already figured that one out.”
Scootaloo 2 laughed again, throwing her hooves up into the sky, timing it perfectly with another crash of lightning shot down by one of the changelings. “Scootaloo, you think you’re safe because you can’t die. Oh, but I do know how to hurt you. Your friends don’t share the same uncanny immortality that you do, so I thought to myself. ‘Hey, wouldn’t it just be lovely if I could make Scootaloo suffer by killing her friends instead?’”
Her eyes narrowing, Sweetie Belle’s face turned grim. “You horrible bi—”
“Sweets, roll!” shouted Scootaloo, just in time for Sweetie Belle to react and dodge out of the way of a lightning bolt, which instead struck an empty box, causing it to explode into fiery cinders.
“Hey! Leave my friends out of this!” Scootaloo said angrily, charging towards Scootaloo 2. “If you want to hurt me, then fight me.”
“Were you even listening?” said Scootaloo 2 with a smirk, readying herself for Scootaloo’s charge. “This is hurting you.”
Scootaloo ran headfirst into her evil twin, but the other deftly dodged to the side, pushing Scootaloo to the ground as she did. Stepping forward, she loomed over Scootaloo, the air behind her alight with green fire as the changelings continued to fire bolts at Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. With a swift kick to Scootaloo’s stomach, Scootaloo 2 laughed again.
”Your life i~s gloom!
Your friends’ll all die, and be entombed.
Their deaths, filling my heart
With joy. They will be torn apart… You see?”
Scootaloo 2 stepped out of the way so Scootaloo could see. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were no longer fighting the changelings, or even dodging their blasts. In fact, they weren’t doing much of anything, except struggling against the changelings’ grips as they were carried high up into the sky.
“Help!” both Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cried in unison.
Scootaloo looked around, but unfortunately no Elite Beat Agents had come to save the day. Instead, she decided, it would have to be up to her.
With a stomp of her hoof, Scootaloo 2 opened a fissure in the ground. It spread quickly, widening until the two sides split apart completely and a massive hole opened up, revealing the crystal caverns beneath Canterlot. It might have looked pretty had it not also looked so deadly and sharp.
Dragging her by her mane, Scootaloo 2 pulled Scootaloo towards the precipice of the hole and whispered, “Are you ready to watch your friends die?” She gave the signal and the changelings nodded, letting Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle fall.
“Your life i~s gloom!
Your friends’ll all die, and be entombed.
I said your life i~is gloom!
I’m ending their lives and yours too soon.”
Images flashed before Scootaloo’s eyes as she watched her friends fall. All her deaths, all the pain, and all the suffering, but through it all, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle’s faces stood out to her. Curling herself into a ball, Scootaloo rolled underneath her doppelganger and then shot her hind legs out with all the force she could muster. The kick caught Scootaloo 2 off guard and sent her flying through the air. Rolling with the force of the kick, Scootaloo tossed herself off the edge and into the hole. She spread her wings out and dove towards Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, a determined look in her eye.
Sharps crystals glinted in the sunlight as Scootaloo raced towards her friends. With a heave, she was able to knock them out of the way, but not before she felt a tug on her hind leg. Scootaloo whipped around just in time to see Scootaloo 2’s fiery eyes, burning with hate, and perhaps some kind of eye infection as her eyepatch had flown off now and the previously covered eye was bright red.
There was a sickening crunch as the two fillies crashed into the crystal caverns below, their bodies pierced a thousand times by hundreds of crystals pointing upwards like blades of grass. Scootaloo’s vision darkened. The last thing she saw was her friends rushing towards her, and she smiled a bloody, broken smile.
“Whoa…” said Apple Bloom slowly. She gave a quiet whistle. “That was a one heck of a fall, huh, Sweetie Belle? Did you see how awesome Scoots was when she saved us? She as all whoosh.” She flew her hoof through the air like a bird. “Shoo, and then she crashed like, bang!”
“Yeah, I saw it too,” said Sweetie Belle, a little smile creeping across her face. “She’s pretty incredible isn’t she? She sacrificed herself for us.”
“I mean, she’s gonna come back though, isn’t she?”
Sweetie Belle turned to Apple Bloom. “Of course, but that’s not the point. Do you think she really thinks that far ahead and she’s being all heroic and stuff? She came to save us without even thinking about it. It’s pretty—Oh!” she said suddenly noticing something. She trotted over to Scootaloo’s corpse, and then her eyes glided over to Scootaloo 2’s corpse lying next to her. Bending down, her horn lit up as she pulled something soft and squishy off the ground. “Look what I found!”
“Ew, gross,” said Apple Bloom, gagging slightly. “Is that a heart?”
Sweetie Belle grinned widely. “Yep! This must be the heart that she stole from Scootaloo when she was cloned by Luna.”
“Well, that’s just creepy.”
Her face lighting up, Sweetie Belle danced on her tiptoes excitedly. “I just got a great idea!”
Scootaloo stood in front of Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. They were back at their Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse after the whole Canterlot Wedding debacle had blown over. The changelings they had been fighting left after they saw Scootaloo 2 die and went to join the other changelings. But that was neither here nor there. No, right now, Scootaloo was mainly concerned with the fleshy mass of red and pink lying before her.
“Uh…” she said, her voice trailing off.
“We got your organs back!” Sweetie Belle squeaked with excitement.
Scootaloo nudged the limp and lifeless pile of organs, feeling just a bit gross about the whole thing. “What am I supposed to do with them?” she finally asked after a long moment of silence.
Apple Bloom started to say something, then thought better of it and kept the thought to herself. She was fairly certain Scootaloo wouldn’t want to make apple organ pie.
Sweetie Belle, on the other hand, huffed in annoyance. “Can’t you just be grateful?”
Looking down at the mass of tissue, Scootaloo felt her stomach go a bit queasy. She glanced back up at Sweetie Belle. “...Thanks?”
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What?!?!?! A new chapter?!
Applebloom: oh my celestial, the killed scoots!
Sweetiebelle: YOU BASTARD!
Three years!
Isn't smoked horse's heart a delicacy in France? Or was it Belgium?
I mean, hey, it isn't cannibalism if you do it to yourself!
Then it's auto-cannibalism. Completely different. Tasty, tasty different.
memegenerator.net/img/images/600x600/15625036/its-been-3000-years.jpg
This story be like:
AB, I think you've been spending too much time around the wrong Pinkie Pie.
PS: Is this a True Resurrection or just like a quick Reanimation
8572017
There's currently 169 episodes of MLP and I've done 52, so I wouldn't count on me "finishing" this, but you can probably at least expect a few more chapters.
What, you don't want to eat your own organs? How crazy is THAT! XD
It lives! It's funny, kinda heartwarming, and gross at the end. And it lives!
8572162
And thus all my goals were met! Huzzah!
ITS ALIVE
8572162
I very much doubt that the heart, or any of the other parts for that matter, were all that warm by the end.
Just like its main character, this story has come back from the dead!
Yep, that was the longest train ride ever
So, a villain was revealed... and promptly killed off. Good riddance. That's what you get for wanting to hurt others!
... or something.
Good to see this back
I forgot how friggin' hilarious this is. Good stuff, alex.
Er mer gerd, Sher Berk!!!
Chokes a bit then swallows rest of turkey...
Er mer gerd! She's back!!
Never thought I'd see this again, and with a twist no less! Welcome back Scoots!!
~Dollars.
And yes, I suppose it is all relative.
I can think of no more appropriate story to unexpectedly return to my feed. Good to see more of this, especially with such an epic chapter.
Scootaloo died for your guffaws.
Glad to see this story back from the dead.
Well, lol.
8572202 And that's how Spike got the cravings for sweet pony meat and devoured Equestria!
But he saved Rarity for last.
And then ate her slowly. 
8579604
Actually he'd eat her till she's satisfied...
orig00.deviantart.net/7e19/f/2017/224/6/5/lizard_mine_by_hillbe-dbjuds8.jpg
A new chapter?
NOW WE'RE TALKING!
And I thought good fan projects are dead. HAH!
Wow, I'm impressed by the return of this story, and yet I'm only more impressed that I remembered what happened last chapter without having to reread it.