Soylent Cider (Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000)
“Sooooooooo… someone wanna fill me in?”
Scootaloo stood next to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, doing her best to figure out what the heck she was looking at. There was a large machine with what appeared to a billion knobs, a conveyor belt, tons of tiny light bulbs, and, inexplicably, the whole thing seemed to be a giant vehicle.
“It’s for cider,” said Apple Bloom, though she sounded unsure of her answer. “...Or something.”
“That’s what those guys said it was,” replied Sweetie Belle, cocking her head to the side a bit. “It’s weird though, isn’t it? I mean, how does this thing even make apple cider?”
"I'm glad you asked that question, my dear," came a slick, fast-talking voice from behind her.
"A very good question, indeed," said a second, equally-sleazy voice.
All three fillies turned around to see two lanky stallions with straw hats and striped vests on. They bowed simultaneously, removing their hats and dipping dipping their heads. One had a mustache twirled around his snout, and the other wore a wide grin. The one with the mustache placed his hat back on his head saying, "This, my dear, is the Flim Flam Brothers Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."
"And it," continued the other stallion, "has more than enough, shall we say, horsepower to make apple cider for the rest of your life, guaranteed."
"Or your money back," added the mustachioed stallion with a wink.
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow, a gesture shared by Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as well. "So, y’all are sayin' this thing can make a lifetime supply of apple cider? What's the catch?"
"Yeah, how does this thing even work?" said Scootaloo, jumping in to the conversation.
Flim and Flam shared grins, then Flim answered, "Yet another excellent question, little filly. See this lever right here?" He indicated a thick metal bar that stuck out from the front seat of the machine, if you could even call it a seat.
"Once you pull this lever down," continued Flam, "a hose extends from the back and sucks up however many apples you want."
"Then," said Flim, "they go through this machine's patented conveyor belt design where they're smashed up and then squeezed into cider at the end."
Scootaloo cocked her head to the side, walking over to the elongated hose that protruded from the back like an elephant trunk. "So, this thing sucks up apples, huh?" She peered into it, seeing how far down it stretched.
Sweetie Belle, meanwhile, approached the front of the machine and placed her hoof on the lever. "You pull this one, right?"
Flim and Flam nodded simultaneously, responding together, "That's the one!"
She shrugged, "Well, let's see how it works then." With a firm tug, she pulled the lever down until it clunked into place. Suddenly there was a loud suctioning noise as the the machine sprang to life. Sweetie watched as the hose stretched out like a snake and started sucking up apples. They went from the hose into a little glass window where she could watch the apples as they were sorted. Then, somehow unsurprisingly, she saw Scootaloo banging her hoof against the window as she went past.
"Get me outta here!" cried Scootaloo, her voice muffled both by the loud machine and the glass.
Sweetie Belle whipped around. "How do I shut it off?"
Flim and Flam shot each other worried glances, then Flam said, "Ready, Flim?"
"Ready, Flam?"
"Let's bing bang scram!"
Then there gone in a trail of dust, leaving Sweetie Belle to turn back around slowly. She placed her hoof on the glass. "Scootaloo... I'm sorry, I couldn't--Oh, she's gone." Sweetie Belle started looking around. "Where'd she go?"
Apple Bloom pointed a shaky hoof at the front end of the machine where apple cider was coming out in waves. "We have to tell everyone... we have to warn them! Apple cider is ponies!"
Sweetie Belle groaned.
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Well if that wasn't predictable.
And the other ponies are hell.
Welp, that pretty much crushed any hopes Scootaloo had of getting cider from the brothers.
It's probably for the best. Flim and Flam are shadier than the whole of the Everfree. Now she'll just be hard pressed to find another source of cider.
4634093 Oh you.
I hear the younger the fruit the sweeter it is.
After Flim and Flam ran away, I thought the punch line was going to be Apple Bloom saying something like "Hey, we got a free cider machine!" But this works too.
This chapter was like chicken soup for the soul
4634015
I think that's the point?
He's been subverting expectations a lot, but it's like Shamalamamnam-crap, if you have a twist in every chapter, NOT having a twist becomes a twist in and of itself.
Flim and Flam never specified just whose lifetime defined how much cider would be produced, now did they?
On a different note, would this mean that Scoots had to...
attend to a pressing situation?
4634093
Soyient Green reference.
I guess Flim and Flam had some pressing matters to attend to.
Apple Cider is Ponies! Win!
On another note... I wish Flim and Flam would have also been sucked into the machine.....
My hate for those two are emesureable!
4634414 Yeah. Sometimes you gotta go with what's expected.
Meh Scootaloo would still drink it. Maybe RD as well. Try new, Red Cider! Now with more iron!
4634362 More like chicken cider amiright?
I'm sorry
Lol applebloom
Wrong fan fic
Rainbows out of ponies. Dam and i thought scootaloo told you this is sonicrainboom?
Ah well
4643258
So what do you eat with it? I was going to say da purple drink, but you have to drink that. Oh! I know! You eat grapes with cola candies while you drink da fried chicken cider!
The most sense.
4643258
Made with grape and orange flavoring