I Scoot on Your Grave (Call of the Cutie)
“Pleeeease?” Scootaloo put on the most pathetic, love-starved face all those hard lessons learned on the streets had taught her. “I promise that nothing bad’s gonna happen.”
Sweetie Belle’s mom looked at the grinning filly on her doorstep and sighed. “I know if I say ‘no’, you’ll just climb the tree to get to her window and wind up breaking your li’l neck, won’tcha?”
Scootaloo nodded, still smiling brightly.
“All the same, then, s’pose we might as well cut out the middlemare.” Sweetie’s mom stepped out of the way, and Scootaloo all but dashed inside. “Hold on, now!”
Scootaloo froze in her tracks—her raised hoof was inches from a discarded rollerskate, and there was a nice, snug distance between her head and the bottom stair. She turned and said, “Hey, thanks, Mrs. Gem! That was a clo—”
“Just wanted to give you a new rule,” the mare said, already trotting back over to her waiting sofa. “Two hooflengths away from Sweetie at all times, minimum.” She sat and levitated the morning paper, finding her place. Her eyes flicked over to the window in the meantime. “Nice day out today, and that means a heavy piano, or a teeny, you-sized earthquake, or a cloud to drown in—I don’t want her near you when you get up to your nonsense.”
“Yes’m,” said Scootaloo, and she headed up the stairs.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo walked along the street, the buildings getting more commercial as they neared Ponyville’s center. Scootaloo was waving a forehoof about as she went. “All I’m saying is your mom overreacts. How many have there been today? One. And it was just a kinderklavier! I barely felt it.” She set her hoof back down, limping on it but totally not a lot.
Sweetie raised an eyebrow, saying, “But we only left my house five minutes ago.”
“Whatever,” said Scootaloo, eyes a’rolling. “Just don’t turn out like her when you get older, all bossy and tense over nothing. Promise?”
Sweetie Belle lowered her head, staring at the cobblestones passing by beneath her hooves. “Please tell me you didn’t come get me so you could spend all day saying mean things about ponies’ parents again…”
“Oh, right, no. That was a nice angle, but I don’t think I’m that great at pretending I’m bitter and jealous.” Sugarcube Corner came into view around the bend. Scootaloo nudged Sweetie and pointed towards it. “No, today we’re heading there. Know how Rainbow Dash promised to hang out with me today?”
“Um…” said Sweetie, scratching her head. “No?”
“Well, she did.” Scootaloo grit her teeth. “And who should I find with Rainbow when I get there but some other random filly. I followed them around for a while, and they were doing loads of stuff—kite-flying, karatsume, hang gliding, you name it. They finished up right before I came to get you, and the filly went off with Pinkie to Sugarcube Corner.”
Sweetie said, “So what are we doing here? Did you want to talk to her and ask what trick she pulled to get Rainbow Dash to give her an ounce of attention?”
Scootaloo chuckled just the way Ms. Cheerilee always did whenever the filly tried to give an answer in class. “Don’t be a foal. We’re gonna stake her out some more and then get some revenge.”
Reaching Sugarcube Corner, the pair pushed through the door to find a party in full swing. Guests were mingling and trying their hooves at party games, sweets littered tables that peppered the room, the gramophone was pumping out a child’s idea of good music, and a blindfolded colt with a club in his teeth was taking very dramatic swings in the opposite direction of the traditional barren bum piñata that hung nearby.
“Oh yeah,” said Sweetie. “Diamond Tiara’s cuteceñera was today, wasn’t it?”
Scootaloo’s hoof shot up towards a bow-clad little earth pony on the other side of the room. “That’s her! C’mon, let’s hide.” She grabbed Sweetie Belle’s hoof and dashed over to a nearby table, ducking under it.
“Wait a minute…” Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes at their target. “I think I recognize her. Wasn’t she there with us at the Summer Sun Celebration? With the lightning?”
“Who cares?” said Scootaloo, angling her head this way and that to keep the filly in view beyond the swarming legs. “Just keep your eyes open for a way to put her in her pl—Oh, whoa, something’s happening.”
The record on the gramophone had just scratched to a halt, and the little earth pony was being confronted by two other fillies Scootaloo knew to be Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who suck something fierce. The pair of them were saying something Scootaloo couldn’t hear, capping it off with an obnoxious, singsongy “blank flank.”
Those words. Scootaloo saw the bow-clad filly’s empty rump and put the picture together—this was just another filly made to suffer over something she couldn’t help, and at the hooves of the very same bullies Scootaloo had bravely tried to think up a decent comeback to for years. It had to end.
Calling to mind all the hurt and summoning every ounce of fury in her soul, Scootaloo emerged from the table and shouted proudly, “You got a problem with bl—”
A meaty thwack rang out.
“Woo!” yelled the blindfolded colt, setting about freeing his eyes. “I hit… Wait, where’s the candy?”
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And POP Goes the Scootaloo~!
Outsourcing. The American way.
Well, that's certainly different. Most of these don't derail the episode for Scoot's deaths.
That was TOO good.
I never would have known that alex didn't write this chapter. Good job, Burraku_Pansa!
You know, does Scootaloo ever get funerals for all the times she dies? If so, the coffin makers, undertakers, grave stone makers, and funeral directors must be getting a fortune
lol hehe
4083880 Danke schön. I actually said to him I was worried I'd written it too similarly, but he thought that nobody could possibly think they were written by the same guy. 3–0 Burraku.
i donno why
i donno why just i heard this at the moment of impact
he speaks english so watch the whole thing.
as no one else commented that in order for this ep to work scootaloo came back to life like, two mins later?
imma say,...magic
That poor Filly! I feel so bad for her...
Is someone keepin' track of my heads batted in? BOINK!
Apple Bloom: Oh, my Celestia! They killed Scootaloo!
Sweetie Belle: You bastards!
4083825
Indeed. I can't help but wonder about the butterfly effect this will engender...
In any case, I'm impressed by Pearl's genre savviness. She knows better than to let her more conventionally mortal daughter get too close to the little doomed girl.
Also, is Derpy still with the moving company, or did that piano just manifest ex nihilo?
In any case, I look forward to more. Especially since the existence of the Crusaders is currently uncertain.
4083825
4084127
Unless Sweetie Bell decided to take the baseball... er... bullet instead and stand up for Apple Bloom herself...
...dangit 4084009
4083914
They probably only got paid the first few times, then the townsfolk probably toss the bodies into the Everfree. No wonder the monsters never leave, they have a constant supply of food delivered!
4084319
Alternately, Ponyville is famous for its cheap glue and pet food.
Scoot's 'blank flank' issues have temporarily been...
tabled.
4084574
I just want to say that your commitment to making a pun for every chapter is nothing short of inspiring.
4084653
Thank you. Your brand of humor deserves it.
And so that blindfolded colt went on to become the Scout.
Scootaloo is a piñata
Each time Scootaloo dies my mind automatically plays that "AWWW" audio clip that plays at the end of those DashieXP vids[Sponsor]
So, if Scoots died before the CMC could be created... does that mean that Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom get their cutie marks earlier, thus depriving Diamond Tiara of a victim to call "Blank Flank"?
Until Scoots reincarnates, that is.
4090604 Oh yes I forgot about that Scootaloo is a chicken
4087234 I bet she'll respawn quickly enough for it to form and for her to have even more insane deaths.
Ooh, piece of candy!
4084574 Darkstrolm?
4096006
??? Who or what is Darkstrolm?
4098160 A cracked.com commenter who always makes puns. Puns are his medium. He works in puns the same way an artists works in clay or oils. Truly a master of his craft.
4098209
I take more inspiration from the author Spider Robinson.
Pony with stick: "Wait where's the cand-OH GAWD! Wait no it's just scootaloo..."
Sweetie Belle: "You killed scootaloo, you monster!"
Just caved in her skull, his bat's still dry. No clumps of hair. Nothing!
Scootaloo just got Dominated!
And it's a hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome run!
4259975
That's why I never understood that stupid game.
4084574
I honestly just imagine you putting on sunglasses just to make that pun.