Fluttershy is gone emotionally, what caused this, and can she be saved. Twilight and her friends need to do everything they can to restore her to her former self.
Chapters (8)
Durant
Joined 13th Jan, 2014 ·
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Not bad if you can get past all the little mistakes, but with that said, there are a lot of little mistakes. Some of the more common were replacing small words with other small words or neglecting them entirely. Nothing too bad, just see if you can find an editor. It doesn't even have to be someone online, it could just be a buddy that looks over before you post.
3930130 I was looking for an editor, right before I read you comment lol. In a way I took your advice lol.
A few grammatical errors, mostly words like sense instead of since were used. I would recommend looking at words that should go where. I have ran into a few stories that use "were" instead of "where". Stuff like that.
3930194...
3930130...
1. I agree with Daedisagar, you have a lot of minor technical writing errors, which snowball into a major problem for your fan-fiction quality (the proverbial "death by a thousand cuts"). So while it is not (yet) enough to ruin your fan-fiction outright, it is seriously dragging it down.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
2. It was the correct call to NOT cast Big McIntosh as an abusive boyfriend; that is two (literary) legs over the line for reader believability, and it then alienates the entire Apple Family out of the story for little-to-no storytelling gain. At worst, you could have used the recently-named Bulk Biceps, since he could contest Applejack's earth pony & farm-worked resilience and strength, as well as being relatively believable (" 'roid rage").
3. You also have problems writing the speech patterns for the characters, most notably Applejack and Big McIntosh (such as missing his trademark "Ee'yup" and "Nn'nope"), but the others as well. I would suggest re-watching some of the episodes for each character you intend to actively involve in your fan-fiction. Alternatively, you could go over episode transcripts too, to see the spoken lines in print form.
4. My last bit of literary advice would be to follow your own written advice from Twilight Sparkle, and to take things slowly and carefully for storytelling progression. Healing the physical &/or emotional damage for an abuse case like Fluttershy's is not something to be magically cured (pun intended) in a chapter or two.
Meh.
The story is okay, but the grammar part is hard to understand until you read it a few times. You repeat words in sentences and use more than are necessary in some parts. No offense, but I think you may need to read your writing and spend some more time looking it over. I mean getting an editor or proofreader would be nice, but they would be editing the whole story for errors. More so last chapter than this one, but it is a substantial portion of the story.
Okay, lemme guess. Just when Rainbow Dash is about to tell Fluttershy how she feels, Twilight and the others will get there and ruin it. And they won't be too happy with Rainbow, so they forbid her from seeing Fluttershy at all.
3966205 nope.
Eh. fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/168/b/9/rainbow_dash_shrug_by_dropletx1-d3j6g5i.png
rainbow feels out of character in this.
3971482 I thought if anyone was acting out of character it'd be Twilight, I kind of see where you are coming from, but there is a reason for this, reveled later in the story. Doesn't change the fact you are 100% right.
Flutters is so cute.
She's all like,
<("Nuuu! Don't guuuu!")
Originally Big Mac was going to be the abusive coltfirend.
<= my reaction to that
The fluff is real.
4021755 I'm sure that was a lot of peoples reactions.
Either than some grammar errors, I'm glad to say I love this story already! ^^
At this point i just about went into a righteous fury
still angry, but not so much. also, you need an editor
4094913 I know I need one, just can't find one.
I agree with everyone who says that they are glad youdecided not to make mac an abusive stallion
Incredibly rushed romance abounds!
Wow Time Ticker is a generic asshole. And if you use the line 'Time Ticker thinks it's time for a beating' I will give you all of my internets.
4116418 Time Ticker is not one for one liners, he doesn't have time for that silliness, he is to busy being a generic asshole lol . Which is sad, because that's a great line.
4116548 Aw.
Having the romance not being the focus of the story is no excuse for a rushed romance.
I
4130188 I think everyone dose
I like how you didn't use Bic Mac as the abuser. im no fanatic of him, but he seems cool enough..
~Wywint
4050713 *other
~Wywint
and yeah, grammar aside, this is pretty good!
not bad.
~Wywint
I more or less enjoyed this but I felt like it ended really suddenly. the story is more or less cruising along, then it gets intense and then oh hey everything is fine for everypony now. yay
Umm...bro, you really need an editor.
Do you want me to be your editor?
4239726 For this story,or in general?
WHAT NO THAT CAN'T BE THE END!!!
AND NOW WE CRY, AN EMPTY SHELL OF THE MEN WE ONCE WERE!!!
4271739 Was the story sad?
4272847 No, I just wish there was more.
AND NOW WE RUN!!!
4116397 you forgot to add, "huzzah!"
I now look at Big Mac with more respect.
I feel sorry for Fluttershy... AND BUCKING ANGRY AT TIMETICKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4023118 I'm sorry but... *ponies
`Hey man, I just want to say that I think the idea here is great. I read the entire story in one sitting, but I have to say I am disappointed. Not because of the grammar or anything (I know mine needs work), but in the way you handled the subject matter. Domestic abuse, in any form, is something I take very seriously. In fact it's something everyone should take seriously. I don't know how informed on the subject you are, but from what I read I don't think you are. Everything Twilight and company did to help Fluttershy would have only done more harm than good.
They supported her and that is one of the most important things anyone can do for a friend in Shy's situation. Unfortunately, they aren't trained to help her deal with the trauma. They didn't give Fluttershy the time she needed to recover. (Most of the abuse hurt her more mentally than physically) Instead she just latched on to RD in a very unhealthy way. There were a bunch of other problems with how this topic was handled.
My comment went way longer than I imagined. I don't want you to think I am attacking you. Far from it. It's just this is really important topic to me, and having read it I get the feeling this might mean something to you as well. All I ask is that if you decide to write something with this magnitude of importance that you do a little bit of research first. I would also like to say that I am not a professional, I am just a guy.
I would feel bad if I didn't include a link to a site where information is available to view. You have potential, keep writing. Have a mustache
http://abuseintervention.org/help/friend-family/