Part 2: Sunset's discovery
Part 2: Sunset's discovery
red=Sunset singing
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Inside the Canterlot library
Books were blessed objects. That’s what Miss Archives believed. She was an elderly unicorn mare, with a white mane and a dull yellow coat. She wore a plain light-pink shirt, with a pocket on its right side. Her cutie mark was a filled bookcase.
Yes, she believed they blessed objects. Why shouldn’t she though? They contained every ounce of knowledge that was available to all of ponykind. Everything you ever needed was right there on a printed page.
That’s why she cherished her job as a librarian. She was the keeper of secrets, the holder of knowledge, and the queen of this place. All those seeking wisdom and guidance came to her. She even got her cutie mark working here.
Yes, Miss Archives loved books as well as she loved her library.
So, when she saw her beloved library in shambles, she was rightfully miffed. Books were strewn about, measuring tools littered the landscape, piles of ash stood like little mountains on the floor, and there were even scorch marks on her beloved bookcases. Miss Archive’s left eye twitched. ‘Is she at it again?’She thought to herself.
“No, no, no, no, no, no. Please please, Yes…ARGH!” a feminine voice shouted.
‘Yep, that’s her.’ Miss Archives sighed. ‘There’s no misplacing that agitation.’ Preparing herself for what was about to happen, she walked forth, following the frantic cries of the mare, until she found her smack dab in the middle of the building, inside a large, empty circle…Or at least, it should have been empty.
It was far worse than what she had seen in the aisles coming over here. Now, there were piles and piles of books and materials everywhere. They were either in stacks, or simply thrown into a puddle of knowledge. Paper was tossed this way and that, torn and heavily written upon. All in all, it looked like a tornado had been let loose inside her library.
“UGH! Why must my calculations prove this? WHY?!!!”
‘This is far worse than a tornado.’ She told herself. In the middle of the mess, Miss Archives saw the perpetrator of this vile act against her sacred temple.
Princess Sunset Shimmer, the adopted daughter of Celestia. The yellow mare frequented her library…Much to Miss Archives chagrin. Sunset had the annoying habit of creating a monstrous mess whenever she got ‘in the zone’ as the young ponies said these days. Whenever she had approached her about it, the young mare would just shrug her off. With her being Celestia’s daughter, Miss Archives wasn’t going to push her luck. So she stopped trying.
Sunset looked haggard. Her manes was a mess, her face looked crazed, and the bags under her eyes were a clear indication of sleep deprivation. She was currently running/teleporting this way and that, levitating books off of the shelves, and either leaving them open or throwing them around. One moment she was on top of a ladder leaning against a half empty bookcase and then the next, ‘poof’ sitting beside a table. A new book in her grasp. She picked up a protractor in her magic, placed it on a piece of paper depicting the planets, picked up a pencil as well with her magic, and started tracing along the sides of the measuring tool.
“Come on. Be wrong….” She stopped tracing. “YES!” she cheered before looking at the book again. Her eyes widened. “I was off by a few inches.” She retraced…..Her magic faded, letting the utensils fall onto the desk. Her breathing became even more frantic than it had been a mere moment ago.
“Oh my beloved mother, I’m right, I’m right, I’m right!”
“Miss Shimmer, I would appreciate it if you would tell me what is the matter?”
Sunset held her head in her hooves, as she stared at the paper.
“Oh please, oh why
Why must I be right?
Curse my brain that figure this out
Oh why, oh why, oh why?"
Sunset ran to another table not far away, swiftly peering over her notes. Miss Archives moved closer, hoping to get her attention.
“Sunset, what are you right about?”
"I'm right, she'll be here,
Causing so much fear
Taking over ponydom
The noble, the soldier, and the bum.
Oh why, oh why, oh why?"
“Sunset Shimmer, calm yourself.” Miss Archives went to touch her, to try and shake some sense into the frantic mare, but Sunset teleported away, re-appearing in front of a nearby suit of armor. Sunset formed a light blue sword with her magic and glared at the piece.
"I wish I could stand and fight,
But the dangers are too great." She sighed and dispelled the sword.
"Against a god, with all my might,
I'll fail and seal our fate."
“Against a god?” Miss Archives arched an eyebrow. “Whatever is she talking about?” While it was true that the world had several gods, most stayed out of the mortal realm. While the others were near untouchable do to their powers. Challenging one of them was suicide.
"But I have to try something,
Any little thing." Sunset picked up several books in her magic and scanned the open pages.
"I must have missed a clue,
That I must find before she's due.
Oh why, oh why, oh why?"
Miss Archives cleared her throat, which oddly was able to get Sunset’s attention. The books fell to the ground as Sunset released her magic. Archives looked at the display disapprovingly. Books were meant to be treated with respect, not…this. The familiar urge to throw Sunset Shimmer out of her library resurfaced but was thrust back down. She wouldn’t risk upsetting royalty. “Mind telling me what this is all about?”
“What?” Sunset tilted her head in confusion. “I’m studying. Can’t you tell, or is your mind finally catching up with your body?”
Miss Archives’ left eye twitched. ‘No. Don’t say anything. She’s a princess, remember. A princess.’ “No, I meant what you were talking about earlier.”
“Oh that,” Sunset looked away, sheepishly. “I was just studying.”
“About?”
“Stuff.”
“Stuff?”
Sunset grit her teeth. “Stuff. Leave it at that.”
“And how long have you been studying…stuff?”
“Not long enough,” Sunset huffed. Her shoulders slacked and her head started to droop. Her eyelids sagged, trying to close.
“When was the last time you got some sleep?” Miss Archives looked at her, rather concerned.
Sunset Shimmer looked at her incredulously, as though she had grown a second head.
“Sleep?” Her eyes narrowed. “Sleep is for the weak.”
Miss Archives sighed. “I thought you’d say that.” She knew Sunset was in no condition for rationality, having seen her in this state many time before. She remembered it happening to herself in her younger years. Thankfully, she knew how to deal with sleep deprivation.
Her horn lit up. Three baseball sized, silvery globes, connected in a circle formation by a ring of light, swirled in the air above Sunset. The ring then quickly passed over her, before disappearing. Now, instead of a raggedy, sleep deprived Sunset, the mare seemed calm, relaxed, and actually well groomed. Sunset closed her eyes and exhaled.
“Better?” Miss Archives asked.
Sunset nodded. “Better.”
“Good.” Miss Archives sat on her haunches. “Then tell me, what this is all about?”
“Tch, no way,” Sunset scoffed. “You wouldn’t believe me if I did.”
Miss Archives snorted before picking up a few papers with her magic. She quickly glanced at them, quirking an eyebrow. She looked back at the young mare before her. “You do know Nightmare Moon is just a little foal’s tale, right?”
“Pfft, says you.” Sunset glared at her, plucking the papers away, and quickly incinerating them.
The ash fell to the ground, causing Miss Archives to groan. ‘Great. More mess.’
Sunset seemed to have chosen to ignore her agitation. She put a hoof to her chest. “I on the other hoof think it’s something that needs to be addressed. Besides, most fairy tales are based on real facts.”
“Yes, but the facts degenerate over time,” Miss Archives pointed out. “Surely you must realize that you’re stressing yourself over nothing.”
Sunset Shimmer sent her a scathing look. “I am not stressing myself over nothing. I’m stressed because a daemon princess is on her way, and nopony’s doing anything about it.” She lifted a pair of simple brown saddlebags onto her back and stuffed it with books, utensils, and paper. “I suggest you find somewhere to hide until this whole thing blows over.”
“I’ll think I’ll stay here.” Miss Archives rolled her eyes.
Sunset shrugged. “Suit yourself.” She then trotted away.
Miss Archives shook her head. “There is something seriously wrong with that mare.” She turned her head back to the giant mess and sighed. “This is going to take a while.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
Sunset Shimmer was glad to be outside again. Not that she hated being inside all day- far from it. She spent most of her time either inside the library, home, or a nice room with her mother. No, it was just nice to be away from Miss Archives.
‘Stuffy old mare,’ she thought, derisively. ‘She needs to learn to keep her snout out of other pony’s business.’
She was tempted to just fire the mare, but her mom had told her otherwise. ‘That’s abusing your power, she says. You shouldn’t just fire ponies because you don’t like them, she says.’ She snorted.‘Yeah well, she doesn’t know Miss Archives like I do.’
Sunset kept up a fast trot as she followed the pathway home. She still had time to warn her mother, so she didn’t need to rush. Instead, she let her mind wander back to her discovery. ‘I’m sure mother already has a few plans laid out for this scenario. Everything will be alright…Still, a daemon princess of Darkness is nothing to take lightly.’
“Sunset,” a gleeful, feminine voice said to her. “It’s so nice to see you.”
Sunset finally realized who she had nearly bumped into and groaned. Standing before her was Shining Armor and his marefriend, Princess Cadance, her cousin. ‘Oh great, if it isn’t soldier boy and miss goody two shoes. Just my luck.’
Now, to be fair, she didn’t hate Cadance. To the contrary, she was rather close with her…in a manner of speaking. It didn’t help that she found Cadance’s ever constant upbeat attitude annoying. ‘Seriously, nothing gets her down. What would it take to get her upset, an invasion on her wedding day?’ And Sunset would be lying if she didn’t say that she was jealous. Cadance was adored by everyone in the kingdom; some argued that she was more beloved then Celestia. Of course, you wouldn’t dare say that near the ears of an Inquisitor. As well as the fact that Cadance was ascended, a living saint. She was a full blown alicorn and her mother was the one to do it.
Needless to say, Sunset had pestered her mother to do the same thing to her. As with most of her requests, her mother had told her ‘when you’re ready’. Sunset didn’t know when that was, but it wasn’t soon enough for her liking.
Shining Armor…She really didn’t have much to say about him. He was just another bland guard in her opinion…Even if she found him rather cute. She would never say that aloud, however.
The two mares embraced in a neck hug. “It’s nice to see you, too.” Sunset said. Even though she was jealous of her, they were still family. The two separated.
“I see that you’re coming back from the library.”
“Yeah, what of it?”
“Nothing. I was just wondering if you’d like to come with us. We’re heading over to Canterlot’s stadium to listen to a performance played by none other than Octavia Melody.”
Sunset pondered over the going for a few seconds. Octavia Melody was a prestigious mare and had earned Sunset’s respect, as she was one of the few artists who could create music up to her standards. ‘I would appreciate a moment to relax.’ She told herself. Yet, in the end, she knew she couldn’t afford to waste much time. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got more important things to do.”She flipped her mane mane, pointing her nose in the air in a haughty manner.
Cadance frowned in confusion. “Like what?”
“Oh, just trying to save Equestria from the threat of destruction.”
Shining Armor chuckled. “If being in the guard has taught me anything, it’s that Equestria is always threatened with destruction. I don’t think one little outing is going to doom us all.”
Sunset snorted. “Says you,” She trotted past them. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write my mother a letter.”
______________________________________________________________________________
Cadance watched Sunset leave, with a concerned gaze. Shining Armor took notice. “Dear, is something the matter?”
Cadance’s ear splayed back. “I’m just concerned for her.”
“She’s a tough mare,” Shining said. “She can take care of herself.”
“That’s just it,” Cadance explained. “Sunset is so adamant on doing things herself that she pushes nearly everypony away. I mean, she doesn’t have a single friend.”
“What about you?” Shining asked. “You’re her friend.”
Cadance sighed. She knew that wasn’t really true. Whenever Sunset and her got together, Sunset would always let her mind wander and tended to be rather selfish. They didn’t get into spats, but Sunset made it clear that they weren’t the ‘best of friends’. No matter how hard Cadance tried, her cousin just wouldn’t even attempt at making a single friend. She talked with Celestia about this, but even she hadn't found any luck in that regard.
“Calling me her ‘friend’ would be pushing it. No matter how much I want it to be.”
Shining frowned. “Hey, don’t let this get you down,” he nuzzled her. “I’m sure she’ll turn around eventually.” Cadance smiled at him, giving him a playful nuzzle. Shining could always make her feel happy. Shining stepped forward and held his hoof out to her. “Come on. We have a concert to attend.”
__________________________________________________________________________
Sunset thrust the doors open with her magic. “SPIKE!” she hollered. “Get your scaly hide over here. We have a coup to thwart!”
She went over and placed her knapsack on a table and took a look around. The rather large building was filled to the brim with cases of books, just to her liking. The place was neat and clean, a trademark of her little brother. ‘There’s no place like home.’
“Spike, did you hear me?” she called out again. “I told you to get your scaly hide over here….” Nothing. She grit her teeth. “STOP IGNORING ME!” She happened to turn her head around to look at the doors, where a note was pinned with a yellow tack. She walked over and peered at the note.
Dear big sis,
Since I knew you would most likely stay at the library for a while, and that you had already refused to go, I’ve decided to spirit myself over to Moondancer’s birthday party. I know that this’ll make you mad, but I couldn’t stand the thought of standing her up. I did promise to attend and it would break her heart if I broke that promise.
Sincerely,
Your ever lovable little brother, Spike
P.s. I’ve prepared a salad for you. It’s inside the fridge. I used only the freshest ingredients and some ranch sauce, just like you love it.
If looks could set something ablaze, Sunset’s glare would have burnt the paper to crisps. Luckily for her, she had magic. The paper turned to ash in a blaze of blue fire, which only lasted a second. “How dare he! He knows what’s at stake.” Righteous fury filled her as she ran outside. “That miserable excuse of an overgrown lizard is going to pay.”
________________________________________________________________________________
It didn’t take her long to find Moondancer’s place. It was a nice, cozy home on the outskirts of Canterlot. The house, while not as big as Sunset’s own, was still larger than a more rural living. It was simple and plain. ‘Like Moondancer.’ She thought, as she pushed her way past the doors.
The inside was decorated in Moondancer’s colors. White, red, and purple streamers were hung around the place, a few balloons here and there, and a nice upbeat music filled the air. There were a few dozen ponies in total, mostly talking or having a snack.
But she didn’t care about them. No, she cared about the large purple, green spiked drake surrounded by a small group of mares off near the snack table.
Spike had grown in the eighteen years since he was hatched. Currently, he was as tall as a large stallion when on fours, such as Blueblood or Fancypants. And like them, he liked to be dapper. He was wearing a dark green suit, with a white shirt underneath. Even though Spike more commonly walked on all fours, both because he was raised by quadrupeds and it was easier, he still wore a pair of white gloves over his front claws. His back claws were set inside nice, black shoes.
His current companions were the same lot he usually attracted: young, pretty mares. It was no secret that the young drake had a way with ladies. He was one of the most lusted over bachelors in Equestria for a reason. His sophisticated attitude and demeanor, as well as his manner, helped sweep many a mare off of their hooves.
“And that is how I bested the Prench ambassador without lifting a claw,” the drake finished telling his tale. “Needless to say, he’s still a bit miffed.” The mares giggled. He then looked over to find his big sister giving him ‘the death glare’. He smiled and turned to the other mares. “I’m sorry my lovely ladies, but I must depart.”
The mare’s let out disappointed sounds. “Must you go so soon?” Moondancer spoke up. She was a nice looking unicorn mare; white with a mostly red mane which had some purple streaks to it. Her cutie mark was an eclipsed moon with three stars below it. She was a bit meek and soft spoken, but she had a good heart. “The party’s barely begun.”
Spike frowned. “I’m sorry, Moondancer.” He picked up one of her hooves in his gloved hand. “But my big sister is in need of my assistance. She’s hopeless without me, I’m afraid.”
‘WHAT?!!’ Sunset was visibly fuming. Her face was red with rage and she pawed the ground, looking ready to charge and spear him on her horn. ‘Keep calm. He’s your little brother. They do this kind of thing.’
Moondancer giggled, causing Sunset’s anger to flare even more. “I know. You’re such a talented dragon. Just promise to be back soon, okay.”
Spike kissed her hoof, to which she blushed. “I’ll try.” He sent her his award winning smile, which sent the unicorn’s heart a flutter. He gently let go of her hoof and started off towards Sunset. “I see you got my note.”
“I see you have a death wish.”
Spike just laughed. “You have anger issues.” He tapped her nose, causing her to scrunch up. He turned over to look at the mares one last time. “Au revoir, my lovely ladies. Until next time.” He brought his claw to his mouth and blew them a kiss. The mares sighed, blushed, and a couple of them fainted.
Sunset Shimmer just rolled her eyes at their antics. ‘Really? Going gaga over something like that. Well, you’ll never see me doing that for any stallion.’ “Come on, little bro. We’ve got important business to attend to.” She marched out of the house.
Spike just sighed and followed her.
Back at their house
As they entered their home, Spike finally spoke up. “So, what’s it this time?”
Sunset sent him a glare, over her shoulder. She turned around to face him. “Well if you weren’t so busy chasing tails, you’d know.”
Spike gasped and put a clawed hand to his chest. “Chasing tails? Sunset, I am hurt. You make me sound as though I’m an uncouth barbarian. I would never ‘chase’ a mare’s ‘tail’.” He smiled. “I prefer having a nice chat here and there, admiring the beauty of the opposite sex. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Sunset snorted. “Yeah, yeah.” She shook her head in agitation. ‘Sometimes he can be so frustrating.’ “Just drop it and focus here. Equestria is in danger.”
“Isn’t it always?” He actually looked confused by her statement.
“Even bigger danger than before.”
“Oh,” Spike rubbed his chin. “Sounds serious.”
“Of course it is,” Sunset’s horn lit up and a magical diagram formed in the air near them. Sunset then picked up a ruler in her hoof and marched over to it. “For Nightmare Moon is returning.”
“Nightmare Moon?” Spike raised a claw from the ground, questionably. “Isn’t she just an old ponies tale?”
Sunset grit her teeth in annoyance. “No, she isn’t and I have proof.” Sunset then magically brought over a book.
“Isn’t that a children’s book?”
“Yes, how very observant of you.” Sunset rolled her eyes. “I’m sure I can find some dog treats to reward your deduction.”
Spike just gave her a deadpan stare.
“Now.” She turned it to a specific page. As she read off the facts, the scenes played out on the image board behind her. “The book states that Celestia used to have a sister.” She pointed to a picture of a pink maned Celestia and a smaller blue alicorn showed up. “Most versions usually skip over her name and since it wasn’t important, I didn’t care to search for it.
“But it states that she grew jealous of her big sister because of how the ponies played and frolicked during the day, while they slept through the night. Obviously, she mustn't have been the smartest of ponies. I mean, ponies aren’t nocturnal.
“Anyways, apparently she refused the lower the moon, wishing the night to last forever. Again, not the smartest move as our planet would freeze over and we’d die. And in doing so, she renamed herself Nightmare Moon.” She paused and looked at the screen. The blue alicorn turned into the dark lady herself.
“This could be interpreted two ways. Either A, she was possessed by an incredibly powerful daemon, or B, she just changed her appearance to suit her new outlook. Going by records and what little I’ve been able to find about that particular era, the second option seems more viable.
"In a last resort, Mom,” She quickly caught her mistake. “I mean, Celestia, brought forth Equestria’s greatest weapons.” Seven different orbs appeared on the screen. “The Elements of Harmony. With their power, she was able to banish her sister, sending her hurdling into her precious moon.” She honestly thought that was so awesome of her mother to be able to do that.
“But if that’s true,” Spike spoke up, “how is Nightmare Moon able to escape before or at all?”
“That’s just the thing Spike,” Sunset pointed out, “she couldn’t. She didn’t have enough power to escape on her own…until now.” The screen showed eight planet, the moon, and the sun. “Every thousand years, the planets align perfectly with both our planet and the moon.” The items did just that. “The event is said to cause strange phenomenon and increase the power of magic users exponentially if they know how to tap into it.”
“And you believe Nightmare Moon is going to use this power boost to break free of her prison.”
“Exactly.” Sunset called off the image board and threw away the ruler. Spike looked at her, rather annoyed by her doing that. He always had to clean up after his big sis. “And that’s why I need you to take this letter-” She levitated a scroll from out of a nearby bag to Spike. He grabbed it. “-And send it to mom. She’ll know what to do.”
“Why couldn’t you just give it to her yourself?
“She’s in a meeting, doofus. Now send the letter.”
“And if she says you’re being paranoid?”
“I’M NOT PARANOID!” she roared at him. “SHE’S COMING! NOW BLAST THAT LETTER, OR I”LL BLAST YOUR HEAD!” She was getting real tired of ponies brushing off her concerns.
Spike just rolled his eyes and breathed fire on the scroll. A magical wisp went flying away. “There, happy?”
Sunset sighed. “Yes, yes I am.”
“So,” Spike spoke up after a few seconds of silence. “Can I go back to Moondancer’s party?”
Sunset answered him with a glare. Before she could respond verbally, Spike burped up a letter. She smiled brightly. “Read her response, little bro.”
Spike put on of his hands up to his throat and rubbed it as he cleared it. “My dearest daughter, you know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely.”
Sunset beamed with pride at the praise.
“But you must simply stop reading those dusty old books.”
Sunset’s mouth dropped and her gaze froze up in shock. “What?”
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Before ah even start readin' this chapter ah have ta point out you misspelled "discovery". Unless it's actually a really clever pun on gettin' rid of crows.
3954956
I can see you took blood mages from Dragon age
And the thousand year planetary alignment is something from xiaolin showdown
Other then that keep up the good work.
Also I like the idea of sunset crossovering with other universes
3955386 Dragon Age? Xiaolin Showdown? Really?
Cause I just made them up myself.
3955432
Blood mages get stronger with spilled blood
And the planetary alignment is suppose to signify the coming of mala mala Jong
so, if Shining Armor is here, what about his sister? i hope this won't be merely a reversal of canon where it is Twilight who is in Sunset's role...
3955465 No conclusive thoughts about her at the moment. I have a few ideas, but since Twilight doesn't play a part in this story, I'll worry about her later.
Interesting take on this universe's Spike. And I also liked how you differentiated Sunset's title from Twilight's, having her as a princess and Celestia's adopted daughter instead of personal student.
3954956 So, what did you think? Did I do a good job?
3956914
What? Why're you askin' me? There's plenty of other readers...
Well, ah didn't spot anythin' that pulled me outta this chapter, though ah did find a paragraph ta direct yer attention to.
1. Missing an opening quotation mark on the first quote. "Mom" should prob'ly be capitalized, since it's bein' used as a proper noun.
2. The first quote should end with an em dash (alt+0151, —) instead of a comma, an' "she quickly caught her mistake" should prob'ly be capitalized.
3. The second quoted sentence should start with an em dash an' end with a period. "Six different orbs" should be capitalized.
"mustn't" instead of wasn't.
I really enjoyed the banter between Spike and Sunset Shimmer and look forward to more interactions. I also see you've kept her as a bit of a stuck up b!@#$. Good show.
I also like how she just literally sets notes and things on fire if she's upset.
I like where this ended, too. It's a good place to have us muse on a Sunset Shimmer melt down.
Well done, but here in chapter 3, you accidentally forgot a D in one of the Moondancers
It's kinda funny, actually - ah'm workin' on a story right now that involves Spike an' Moondancer.
I'm gonna slap Sunset upside the head for her attitude... which is not a bad thing, mind. It does match what we saw in the movie, after all. ;)
3956914
Somehow you managed to only fix two of the six errors I pointed out in my comment. 3957774
The mare looked haggard. Her manes was a mess,
Alright, powered through all three chapters and let's see what we've got...
As I've said countless times before, AU stories work best when you take the world in broad strokes, then change the finer details based on what's different in your verse. You're taking this a step further with the darker world building. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it'll just be an interesting wait to see if and how it pays off.
The idea of an older Spike acting like more of a gentlecolt (gentledrake?) seems like it'd be rife with potential. Spike's a balance for Twilight in Canon (He's immature, fun-loving, and laid back to counter her being grown-up, serious, and anxious). You seem to be doing a similar sort of thing here, making him polite and social adept vs. Sunset being rude and callous. I like seeing alternate takes on characters (especially Spike, I admit), so I think I'll enjoy where this goes.
Sunset herself... yeah, she's a bit like Episode 1 Twilight dialed up to 11 on the rudeness factor. Which fits what I've heard about her from Equestria Girls, just with a lot less evil motivations. Seeing her trying to play the hero should be interesting, but will probably rely quite a bit on just who the other Elements are supposed to be.
Given the importance of that, I'm gonna offer a couple quick warnings to help you along. Because this story has a lot of potential and I'd like to see it turn out well.
1. You've added quite a bit to the original episode's lead up to Twilight leaving Canterlot and skipped over the parts we all already know. That's good, even if it did follow the same steps (study, brush off party invite, warning, receive message to go make friends). I advise you keep this pace up when it comes to meeting the other Elements and the adventure in the Everfree. Aping the show scene for scene without adding anything other than some changed names is a trap far to many AU stories fall into, and I'd hate to see you slip into it after an opening like this.
I'm personally not sure quite how I feel about the darker opening with the firearms and cultists, but it definitely helps your story stand out. With AU Pilot stories, that's important.
2. When including songs in your story, you might want to link to the melody. We can't hear the song unless we know what it's supposed to sound like. Fortunately, Fimfiction has a tool that lets you put a hyperlink in your story under any words you want. Check the second chapter of Flipside or the final battle in Music of Ponyville for examples of it at work. It'll let you get your song across, and keep the story looking neater than trying to drop a sing to the tune of note in the middle of or at the end of the story.
Like I said, I'd like to see this story succeed. Hope my advice helps!
3965128 First of all, thank you. I mean, thank you really. I love when people give me feedback and tell me their thoughts and what they liked about my fic. The bigger comment the better.
Also, yeah. I should have set up a link for the song. That would have helped. Thanks for the tip though.
Don't worry. This is going to be just a wash and repeat of episode 1.
I hope what I have in store for this fic pleases you. {I'm currently working on the next chapter. I should have it done sometime this week, hopefully.}
Owned.
Boy, I sure do. First, Spike becomes her unofficial brother-in-law. Then, he helps save an empire for her to rule. Yet she has passed up every single opportunity to spend any time with him, in the show and comics. I have several theories, and only one puts her in a good light.
Your description of Spike's appearance and social status had me chuckling. It's like a parody, dispensing with all his unflattering traits and upgrading him to the gentleman/playboy archetype. Even when he was talking to Sunset at the castle, I couldn't help but picture him holding a wine glass.
I'm pretty sure Moondancer's hair isn't just plain ol' red, though. It's a more particular shade. Wish I could identify it.
3965128 Actually, Twilight is usually less mature than Spike, who just struggles to keep her from overreacting.
The mares sighed, blushed, and a couple of them feinted.
Just happened to notice this.
Does Spike sound like is canon counterpart?
‘Seriously, nothing gets her down. What would it take to get her upset, an invasion on her wedding day?’
BBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahazhahahahahaha!
seriously best line of the chapter.
3955918
Me too.
Awesome story so far. Thankfully it's not really identical to what I have in mind for my own Shimmer-verse story (stories?). Hopefully the same will be said for when she goes to Ponyville and meets the other Mane 6 members.
Btw. Playboy Spike is best Spike.
Really? Why is 'for' capitalized? If that's an independent statement then 'Nightmare moon is returning' would be sufficient. Also, Nightmare Moon hasn't escaped or returned yet, so how can she be 'returning'?
I think you mean an 'old pony tale'. Since, as it stands, the words imply that it is a tale belonging to 'old ponies'. Whereas you mean a 'pony tale', as in a story that ponies tell, which is old.
You have an is/was conflict going on there.
I think that should be 'simply must'.
Lady? It would be more appropriate and in-character to say 'mare' or 'alicorn' there.
How does that even make sense? It feels like a reference to Equestria Girls which really doesn't fit in the story at all.
Looks like Sunset is stupid. The problem isn't strictly that she expects ponies to stay up all night, and I'd expect Sunset to be a bit brighter as a vaguely grown up pony and be able to deduce the real reason from that information.
I think you mean hurtling.
She didn't say mare
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5169-twi-nosleep.png
Nothing quite like jinxing yourself, is there?
3955464 Dragon age is not the origin of the concept of blood magic.
The idea of specific planetary alignments empowering beings is similarly ancient.
Not everything is a pop-culture reference.
Since when does Spike act like Rarity and Fancy Pants!?
6231262
I'm reading him with Tom Cruise's voice.
Manehattenverse and Cadenceverse you say? Hmmmm...wonder if I had read those yet
Anyway, this is a fun little start to the story. I love watch Sunset acting like a little angrier and confrontational Twilight. While at the same time, I love that Spike is now a ladies drake and is a smoothie.
Ah Celestia, trolling your daughter by playing the "get out more" and "play ignorant" cards. How precious.
Yeah instead it'll be a Kaiju turned Gryphon. Yeah, I totally ship that.
8468505
Don't worry, I ship it too~
6231262
Since he was born in a universe where his adoptive mother is literally god and most likely encouraged him to have a social life.
Okay so the fact that spike currently has the skills to woo mares better than blueblood makes me feel like this is simply a case of spike needing a girlfriend and sunset needs anger management sessions.
Review for chapter 3
This story is pretty old and with the lack of proper editing (using under bars as line separators) can be really annoying