Prologue: The test
It was just another ordinary sunset in Equestria.
The ponies were busy making the best of the couple hours of sunlight remaining. They bustled about, going home, or stopping to get a drink after a hard day’s work. The youth were ready to hit the town and spend the night partying.
The monsters of the world were beginning to stir. Bloodthirsty beasts pawed the ground, searching for a meal. Heretics planned and schemed from the shadows, waiting for their chance to destroy the natural order. And you bet your bottom dollar, some big, bad daemon/sorcerer was planning to try and take over Equestria.
Just the standard routine of the day....
“I can’t do it!” The tallest tower of the castle shook from the force of the shout.
....For the most part.
Inside this tower, sat the immortal ruler and sun deity, Princess Celestia. Her white fur glistened in the light of the candles that were set on her desk. Her large wings ruffled about on her backside, several of her feathers were bent and askew. The large white alicorn was sitting at her desk, which she normally did during this time of the day. Usually, it would have neat stacks of paperwork about; the last files of the day to be done before she started the night court. But not now. Now, the files were scattered about the room, the many books that lined her own personal library had fallen out of their shelves, her paintings were slanted and crooked.
But Celestia didn’t care about any of that. She didn’t care about the taxes that needed to be filed away; the reports that needed to be addressed; the laws that needed to be put into action. Nothing mattered. Nothing was worth caring about.
Celestia put her face into her forehooves. “I just can’t.”
It was that time of the day again. She had to lower the sun and raise the moon. Oh how she despised touching her sister’s sacred realm. She wasn’t its shepherd. She wasn’t its avatar. She was its older sister and controlling it made her sick.
A part of her thought after a nearly a thousand years she would get used to it. Celestia tried and tried again to look on the bright side. She wanted to forget the past and move on. But she couldn’t. She could never move on. Her sister’s twisted visage was forever ingrained in her memory. Her insane laughter echoed in her ears. And whenever she did touch the moon and tried to move it, she could always feel that daemon lash out.
“This isn’t fair.” Celestia finally removed her face from her hooves. A few tears leaked out and stained her cheeks. Celestia looked out her window. “Why? Why did this have to happen to me? To her?”
Her old mind played out the events of the past, trying and failing to come to some different conclusion. Yet, none came to her mind. Each and every choice led to the exact same end.
“I failed you….I failed everyone I ever cared about.”
Celestia looked down at her desk. Her horn glowed a bright yellow as she used it to open one of her drawers. Inside lay an assortment of little objects. She picked up each one with her magic.
A small, sacred golden orb, meant to keep evil away. The globe had a large engraving of her cutie mark. It had been given to her by her head priestess, Kind Heart. “You always were a worrywart, Kind Heart.” ‘I think I may have to pay her a visit soon. The old mare is on her last legs.’ A small snort of amusement escaped her. She gently placed it onto the desk.
The next item was a gold necklace, infused with rectangular diamonds. It was a gift from the beautiful griffon Queen Wanda. “And who says the griffons have no taste?”
The third was a blood-red crystal. Celestia’s face contorted into a look of agitation. “You gave me a lot of trouble, you know that?” The chaotic whispers that resounded inside the object stormed about. She was glad that chaos daemon was forever trapped within. He had caused too much pain.
“Ah, there you are.” Celestia’s mood brightened when she beheld the last item. In her magical grasp was but a simple colt revolver. It had been given to her by its inventor a couple decades ago, Samuel Colt. “I was looking for you.”
The gun itself in no way looked extraordinary. Yes, it had some fancy engravings and the quote ‘I will fear no evil’ in Latin. {A quote taken from one of her own scriptures.} But nothing that would suggest the power it held. For this gun could kill anything…Though she didn’t know if that included gods.
“When was the last time you were used, little one?” She asked. “Well, your time has come. I mean to test your capabilities.” She raised the holy weapon, took aim,…and fired at a space near the door.
She saw a figure shimmer into existence as it dodged the bullet. “Really Celestia? Again?” A serene voice echoed in her room, trailed by a small sigh. The figure himself was rather tall, though not as tall as Celestia herself. This deer was as slender and lithe as any other of his kind. He wore form fitting, sleek armor that covered his body including a helmet that obscured his face, leaving only his large antlers exposed. A white staff was held in one of his forehooves. It was simple enough, except for the glowing, ornate, blue jewel at the end. “How many times must you do that? You could have killed me.”
Celestia just smiled. “Could have, my dear friend, but I didn’t. You can see the future, remember.”
“Yes,” the deer grumbled. “But that doesn’t excuse this insane game of yours. I just thank Isha you didn’t sick that blasted bird of yours on me.”
Celestia laughed in response. She used her magic to put all the items, including the gun, back into the drawer, closing it swiftly. “It is nice to see you again, Farseer Anrain. How have you been since we last met?”
“Fine enough, I suppose.”
“That is good to hear. Would you like me to get you some tea?”
The deer shook his head. “This is not the time for tea.” There was no room for pleasantries in his tone, Celestia noted.
“Oh?” Celestia tilted her head to the side and gave him a curious gaze. “Then what time is this? Not the time for peace, since you are armed and ready for war.” She eyed the curved sword at the deer’s side.
“It is the time of destiny.” He said with urgency.
Celestia sighed. “Isn’t it always? Why can it never be the time of cake?” She then gave him a small smile. “Then tell me, Farseer. What vision plagued you enough to visit me? Is it the griffons?”
Again, the deer shook his head. “This has nothing to do with those bird brains.”
Celestia gave him a scolding glare. “Really now, Anrain. Bird brains? I thought you were above such petty insults.”
“I’ll be above such petty insults the moment the griffons give up their bloodlust.” The farseer snorted. “And that’s not likely to happen any time soon; with or without your interference.”
“Then, if it’s not the griffons,” Celestia inquired, “who is it?”
“The one.” Farseer Anrain said, cryptically.
“The one?” Celestia looked confused. She turned to one of her book cases, letting her horn light up in a golden hue as she worked her magic. The book case shifted, moving to the side to reveal alphabetic rows of file compartments. The word ‘Emergencies’ was displayed above in golden letters.
“It’s in the T’s.”
“But you said ‘One’.”
Farseer Anrain shook his head. “I said ‘The One’.”
“Very well then.” The T compartment glowed yellow as it was pulled out. A scroll was levitated out from its holding place and over to Celestia. Opening it, she peered down the list. With a startled gasp, she looked over at the deer. “You don’t mean….”
“No, not that one.”
“Oh,” Celestia looked further down. Her magic flittered over the document…Before it disappeared altogether. The scroll hit the desk, but she didn’t pay attention. Her face was contorted in utter disbelief. ‘This…This can’t be.’
She turned to Anrain, who only nodded. “It’s true.”
Celestia could only think of one thing to say. “Where?”
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Mother Kind Heart’s Orphanage
“Children! It’s time to get ready.” A cheery mare called out. “We have families to meet.”
As always, the children jumped out of their small beds and rushed out of the room as fast as their little hooves could take them. Gleeful smiles adorned their faces as they left the room empty. Well, empty save one yellow filly.
The yellow filly simply ‘humphed’ and went back to reading. She faced away from the doorway, not paying any attention to the fleeing ponies. Her bed was nearly covered with books of several sizes and subjects, ranging from beginner to advanced. Quite a few of them were still open from where she had left off in the previous hours.
“Sunset?” The same mare from earlier spoke up. “Don’t you want to meet anypony?” Seeing Sunset shake her head, the older mare pressed on. “I’m sure some lovely couple will find you absolutely delightful.”
“No they won’t.” Sunset growled. “I’m six years old. Nopony’s liked me enough to adopt me in those six years. Nopony will.”
“Sunset, that’s not true.” The mare went over, moved some books carefully to the side, and sat down. “Once they get to know you, they’ll love you.”
“Lies!” Sunset barked, looking up at her caretaker. She was a peach colored, brown maned Pegasus with a few strands of her mane graying out. She was wearing a dark pink suit over her body so her cutie mark was obscured, but the little filly knew it was a heart with the image of a young pony inside.
“Sunset Shimmer,” The mare known as Tender Care reprimanded, “don’t raise your voice like that.”
Sunset simply snorted and went back to reading, hoping the mare would leave her alone. Instead, Tender Care just sat there beside Sunset, not saying a word. This wasn’t anything new, Tender Care would often come and try to comfort her. Sunset appreciated it, even loved her for it, but she didn’t like getting her hopes built up. ‘Why doesn’t she leave?’
“What’cha reading?” The elder mare asked.
“Goldihooves and the Three Bears.” Sunset answered. Yes it was a kiddy story. Most of the time she’d avoid them, ‘cause she was a big pony. But, she just wanted to read something new and this had caught her attention.
“Sounds interesting.” Tender Care smiled down at her. “Mind telling me what’s happening?”
Sunset simply nodded. “Goldihooves is just finishing up eating the bears porridge.”
“That was very nice of the bears to give her that.”
“But they didn’t. She broke in and ate it when they were gone.”
“Well that wasn’t very nice of her, was it Sunset?”
Sunset shook her head. “No it wasn’t.”
“And why is that?”
“Because stealing is wrong.”
Tender Care nuzzled her head. “Very good.”
“Especially ‘cause it was the baby bear’s porridge.” Sunset explained. “He needs his food to get big and strong. His mama and papa…” Sunset frowned and stopped where she was.
Tender Care noticed her stopping. “Sunset dear, it’ll be okay.” She used wing to drape over Sunset and scoot her to her side.
But Sunset wasn’t having any of that. She used her magic to lift the wing off her, to which she inwardly smiled. She was better than any pony her age in magic. “I don’t want your comfort. I just want to be alone.”
“Sunset, nopony should be alone.”
“I AM!” Again, she shouted at her. “And I like it that way. I don’t have to put up with some stupid ponies telling me what to do. I don’t have to listen to their rules or eat their stupid food. I am a loner pony and it’ll stay that way.”
“That’s not true Sunset. Once they see the real you…”
“THEY’LL ABANDON ME! JUST LIKE MY REAL PARENTS!” Tears were starting to fall down her cheeks.
“Oh, Sunset,” Tender Care moved to brush the away tears. However, Sunset just pushed her off the bed with her magic. Tender Care was able to get her wings going and touch down.
“Just leave me be.” Sunset told her, keeping her eyes on the book.
Tender Care sighed. She wanted to hug her and tell her everything was alright. Yet, she knew better. Sunset was an abnormally gifted unicorn. With those gifts, came terrible consequences. She was lucky Sunset was getting her bearings, else she’d have to deal with the explosive energies of her younger years. Still, an emotional magi was not something she could deal with on her own. So, she started to leave the room. “If you need anything, just come get me okay?” When Sunset didn’t answer her, she sighed.
When Sunset was sure her caretaker was gone, she wiped away her tears. She hated crying. ‘Big ponies don’t cry. The heroes in stories don’t do it, so I won’t either.’ She wasn’t weak like the damsels in distress. She was strong. She was talented. ‘I’ll show them what I’m capable of. When I get big, I’ll be the best unicorn mage ever! I’ll be all powerful and a ruler to boot!’
Sunset read on into the story. She stopped when she saw a picture of the bears together. “Mama…Papa…” She touched the image. “Why does a bear have something I don’t?”
“Sunset!” Tender Care called, poking her head into the room. “You have a very important visitor.”
Sunset looked over her shoulder at her. “Visitor? Me?” While this wasn’t the first time they had an important visitor, being in the middle of Canterlot, nopony had ever wanted to see her.
Tender Care’s smile brightened up at that. She nodded. “Yes, and she really does want to see you. Can she come in?”
Sunset Shimmer frowned. ‘It’s probably one of those important ponies that think it’d be nice to have a trophy kid.’ She thought to herself. But in the end, she relented with a sigh. ‘Might as well.’ She nodded.
“Great.” Tender Care looked her shoulder. “Your Majesty, she’d be delighted to see you.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” A new voice chimed in. It was the most beautiful, calming, motherly voice she’d ever heard. And with it, came someone she’d never thought she’d see up close.
“Princess Celestia!” Sunset cried out in shock.
“That is who I am.” Celestia smiled at her.
She couldn’t believe it. The Princess of Equestria was here to see her. “Uh…Uh…uh…” She couldn’t properly think of anything to say. Just being in her presence was awe inspiring. Celestia had an aura of great power…but it was tempered in such a motherly glow.
“I think you broke her, Princess.” Tender Care smirked.
Celestia chuckled. “That happens more often than I would like.” The Princess walked over to her bed. “Are you always this cluttered?” She motioned to the books strewn about.
Sunset simply nodded, feeling ashamed for causing this mess.
“Do not fret, my little pony.” Celestia said. “I myself have created quite the mess during my studies.”
Sunset’s jaw dropped upon hearing that. ‘Princess Celestia creating messes? That can’t be.’
“It’s true.” Celestia told her, scanning her selection of books. “My, my, my, some of these books are quite advanced for a filly your age. Aren’t they too tough for you?”
Sunset shook her head. “Nuh-uh. I’m a smart pony.”
“Of course you are….Would you mind if I join you on the bed?”
“But…”
Sunset’s remark about the books was cut short as Celestia neatly put the books in small piles next to the bed. She then gently laid herself down beside the filly. The unfortunate bed gave squeaks of protest. “There. All neat and tidy.” She looked down at Sunset noticing her tears. She frowned. “Why are you upset, little one?”
“No reason, Your Majesty.”
Celestia didn’t say anything. She just looked at the picture of the bears that Sunset was touching. Her face became downcast, before she brightened up. “I remember when this story was first printed. Did you know that it used to feature an old mare instead of a filly?”
Sunset shook her head. “No, Your Majesty. I didn’t.” She didn’t understand why they would do something like that. She chalked it up to grownups thinking little fillies were mean. ‘We are not mean...At least, I’m not.’
“Sunset…Do you know why I am here?”
“No, Your Majesty.”
“Just call me Celestia, dear. There is no need for formalities.”
Sunset didn’t know what to think of that. All her life, she’d been told to call the nobility that. But the Princess told her that she didn’t need to do it, so she wasn’t going to. “Okay….Celestia.”
“Good.” Celestia smiled. “Well, the reason I came here was because of how special you are.”
Sunset’s eyes widened. Yes, she knew she was special, but to be noticed by the Princess... That was something she’d never thought of. “Really?”
Celestia nodded. “Yes. And I wish to take you back with me to the castle.”
‘The castle?’ Sunset couldn’t believe that…She couldn’t believe a lot of what was happening. It almost sounded like the Princess wanted to adopt her. Hope flooded her and her face was split in an open grin. Her eyes twinkled with delight.‘Please, please, please. I want to be a princess too.’
“But first, you must pass a test.”
Sunset’s face fell. She knew it was too good to be true. A test by the Princess was going to be hard.
“Do not fret, little one. It is not a hard test. Not for you.” Sunset nodded and moved her book to the side, after closing it. Just then, a golden flash lit the room for a second, momentarily blinding Sunset. When the light faded she was surprised to see a large light purple egg, with darker spots.
“What is it?” Sunset asked.
“A dragon egg.” Celestia answered.
At the word ‘dragon’, Sunset started to worry. She’d heard a lot about dragons and none of it was good.‘Oh sweet Celestia, I’m going to be eaten by a dragon. No, no, no...’
“Have no fear, my little pony. It is just an egg.” Celestia assured her, nuzzling her mane.
“But what does it have to do with my test?”
“This is your test.” Celestia told her. Upon seeing Sunset tilt her head and looking at her quizzingly, she slightly nudged the egg closer to to the filly. “You are going to hatch it.”
Sunset’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open. “Hatch…a dragon? But it’s going to eat us.”
“No he won’t.” Celestia shook her head. “I won’t let him.”
Sunset just stared at the egg, before looking at the Princess. “How am I going to hatch it?”
“Just concentrate. Let your magic flow into the egg.”
Sunset nodded before she returned her attention to her test. She scrunched up her face as her horn started to light up. A teal hue covered her horn and soon the egg. Slowly but steadily, she poured her magic into the egg. For a moment, nothing happened…That is before she heard the first crack.
“That is enough, Sunset. You can stop now.”
Sunset did as she asked, her magic faded away.
Celestia shifted and scooted the egg into her embrace. “Come out, my little drake.” She cooed. “I want to see you.” She whispered tiny little encouragements as the egg broke apart. Finally, the pieces gave way, leaving a small purple, green spiked dragon. The great Princess Celestia nuzzled the creature. “I have waited so long to hold you.” She used her wing to pull Sunset into her happy embrace.
“Princess…” Sunset inquired. “Does this mean I pass?”
Celestia just laughed, hugging the two close.
It was just another ordinary sunset in Equestria.
And Celestia wouldn’t have it any other way.
Seems promising.
3917887 I hope I don't disappoint you.
I've read a couple of 'Sunset returning to Equestria' fics before, and yours, I think, is the first to feature her as an Element of Harmony. So I'll add this to my watch list and see where this leads me
The objects Celestia kept were nice little touches, was that daemon she mentioned Tirek by any chance? Though the revolver kind of threw me off
3917930 Thank you for the watch and the input.
While it wasn't Tirek, I won't say anything more. *spoilers*
And why did the revolver throw you off?
Okay. So far, ah'm noticin' two flaws here; a bit of an inconsistent tone - swingin' from suicidal drama to jokes in a few paragraphs - an' maybe a few too many obvious references.
Beyond that, though, ah'm likin' what ah'm seein'. Yer strength seems ta be in conveyin' emotions, an' you don't seem ta miss an opportunity ta capitalize on that. It's a good start an' ah'm lookin' forward to the rest.
I like what you're doing here. You do an awesome job of projecting emotion, and I like this version of the alternate main six trope, actually it's the only version I've seen that seemed creative enough to motivate me to read. That being said, there are just a couple of weird little hiccups I'd like to point out.
When I first read this it threw me off, because I didn't realize the statement was interrupting, in the future I'd suggest something like using ellipses, like this:
Just the standard usual of the day...
“I can’t do it!” The tallest tower of the castle shook from the force of the shout.
...For the most part.
(Also, the phrase "standard usual" feels weird to me, but that's just my two bits.)
I think you meant honesty and your brain just slipped. This didn't really break my immersion, just confused me for a second.
Here I expect you originally were going to have her ask if she knew that was the reason and then changed your mind, but slipped and left a question mark.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm giving you constructive criticism because I like this. I like it enough to address these things in a comment because I want to see it get even better, and I know as a writer you always want some thoughts on how to improve, so that's all I can really complain about. Like I said, great job. I can't wait to read more!
3917946 Well, of all the things Celestia would keep, a gun is the last thing that comes to mind, let alone the idea of Celestia entertaining the idea of committing suicide. I thought it was that kind of 'dark' story when I read that part
This looks really good. Something about parts of it reminds me of Young Tigress' story from 'Secrets of the Furious Five' [Awesome].
3918286 Ah, well thank you for pointing those out. I don't have a prereader, so little things like that slip pass me on the first write.
I appreciate your sentiments and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Interesting world building going on. Let's see Where it goes.
I like this so far. I've heard of a lot of alternate Mane 6 universes (All of them with Trixie as the Element of magic which I never understood) but this will be the first I've read.
3918471
Really? Ah only know of one universe like that.
3918494 I'm guessing this would be the Lunaverse? definitely the most famous of them, but there are others.
3918503
(Click the link, I am trying to make a joke.)
3918578 Ahahah what? That was epic. (sorry, I didn't notice the link)
3918612
There're plenty of universes with alternate casts where Trixie isn't Magic, though. Check this story ta see a few of 'em in action... an' here's hopin' someday soon we'll be able ta welcome the Shimmerverse into our Crossoververse. (Ah'll write the song this time.)
I like this so I'll definitely keep reading. I liked the little touch with the Colt too, that made me smile
The only real gripe I have with this is that I have difficulty imagining guns in Equestria.
I know that the universe is an Anachronism Stew, but it just strikes me as a weird thing to have for a species that, with the exception of one race, have no means through which to use such weapons.
Aside from that nitpick, this is an intriguing first chapter. Will follow.
Meh. No Spike character tag, and a copy-paste + word find = no Spike within either. I hardly see the point in an alternate EoH story when the most interesting relationship in canon is given a pass.
3919368 EH? Spike is going to be a big character in this. There's just a five character tag limit so I chose the ones I felt most appropriate.
So don't worry, our favorite drake won't be sidelined.
3919439 Okay, cool.
Oh, I had the idea of the Sgimmerverse too! You did it first!
3919368
Actually, I might have considered having Sunset Shimmer hatch Garble instead. Sunset's a little older than Twilight, and Garble's a little older than Spike. Different universe, different dragon's egg.
But the relationship between the Element of Magic and her #1 assistant is a pretty close one that shouldn't just be tossed away, so it's good that there is a "Spike" in this story.
3918471
A lot of the time it's Twilight Sparkle as the AU Element of magic with a different supporting cast. I've read three cases of Trixie having Magic and one where she's Laughter. Other Elements of magic I've seen have been Vinyl Scratch, Time Turner, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Octavia.
Seeing the Derpy tag makes me wonder which element she'll be. I've seen stories with her as every Element except for Magic.
3918069 Yeah, mostly this. Celestia holding a revolver to her head was a bit past my tolerances.
Other than that... not too shabby. *Decides to follow story*
Was this intentional? I grinned as soon as I read it.
Alright, I see that it was! Good show.
Alright, critique first:
You're sentence attribution is the main issue here. This was my Achilles' Heel for a while, and most of my earlier writing is still riddled errors. It's nothing that seriously hampers the stories since it's mostly periods where commas should be, but something to be mindful of.
There was one instance of show vs tell that bumped me. One of the earlier paragraphs mentioned "The candles" and I was sort of "What Candles?"
Maybe just extend this out to, "Her white fur glistened in the light of the flickering candles that were set on her desk." Or something... Pretty minor, but I'm not sure where these candles are or if there's quite a bit all over the room, or just a handful, etc...
Few lines need breaks between them, check to see if you have any lines that are just tags with nothing between them. For whatever reason, FimFiction doesn't linebreak with these.
Now that that's out of the way:
Loved the opening with Celestia, I can see how the revolver might bump anyone not familiar with Supernatural, but it amused me.
The fact that she loathes touching the moon is touching, and I can totally see that with her.
Loved, loved, loved little Sunset Shimmer. Provided back-story and reasoning for behavior that we see in the comics/Equestria Girls. Perfectly done, can't wait to read more.
It's kinda criminal that Sunset Shimmer stories often have to fight uphill battles to get good recognition, this shows a lot of promise and I look forward to reading more.
Keep it up!
Personally, I'm not too fond any Equestria with firearms that are more advanced than Flintlocks, but I suppose it varies from universe to universe.
You have my attention. Do go on.
Ah, there he is. Guess I should've done a word-find for "dragon" as well. I'm such a dolt.
Surely Celestia's grim feelings on immortality will come into play later. Contrary to what Little Jackie Papercut said, switching from a dark tone to a humorous one - or vice versa - is something Joss Whedon does once in a while. Though the change is usually much more sudden, yet subtle enough that it isn't jarring.
3929787
Round, yet square, then? An' jus' the fact that a well-respected professional sci-fi/fantasy an' dark comedy writer does it doesn't mean it works in an MLP story.
3930080 Don'choo make that face at me. All I mean is that there was nothing wrong with using it, but it could have been done better. Storytelling is storytelling, and the difference between a Whedon script and an MLP fanfic is not that decisive a difference. ButterscotchSundae pulled it off to marvelous effect.
3931576 Done better?
3931661 Well, done differently. LJP seemed to have a problem with it, so I merely proposed an alternative way of executing a mood shift.
Well written so far. Interesting story.
Well well well. This is certainly interesting.
I must admit that the rather dark and gloomy start was unexpected, and thankfully saved by that Eldeer Farseer. (Saw what you did there.)
Speaking of which, there were a boatload of references sprinkled across the chapter like nuts on ice cream. Some I knew (the gun from Supernatural, Tirek), others, not really (red gemstone with a demon inside?).
Apparently SS was just as much a BEETCH as she is as an adult (I'm assuming this - I haven't, nor do I intend to, watch EG.) But its understandable, considering she was initially raised as an orphan; that would leave most people pissed off and bitter at the world. And it looks like Spike is going to be in this in some form, so that's nice.
All in all, a decent opener. 7/10, would read again.
Not a bad start. You don't need much feedback about grammar, syntax, etc., but I'll just point out that gold is "INLAID" with diamonds, not "INFUSED".
Now onto the advanced stuff.
Your depiction of space seems insufficient to me. There's light, there's a suggestion of atmosphere (ponies going on with their lives), I know there's a city and a tower, but what's that city like? What does it smell like? How high is the highest tower, compared to a typical mare? Is the road paved with stones or bricks or concrete blocks, or is it a dirt road? These things make or break a story; it's the difference between a script with stage directions and an immersive world.
If you've ever read Shakespeare (of course you have!), or something like "A Doll's House", you know what I mean. The "scene" is set up, and it's just there because having actors floating in a white void isn't that nice. I get a feeling that something similar is happening here as well. Your actors are speaking their well-crafted lines, but they're just standing there talking, and that doesn't draw draw me in.
Huh, I like where this is going. Plus having an Eldeer in the story makes it that bit more interesting.
Added this story to my Read Later list back when it first came out. It is now Sept 23 and I am just getting to it
Well I will see how it goes.
Chapter OnePrologue....This could use some work.
Has she been acting this way every evening for the last thousand years? If not, it makes no sense for her to do so now. Why would her shouting shake the castle? It's okay for her to be bothered about it more than usual on some particular evening, but the portrayal/emotions seem a bit forced. As if she's doing it for the effect on the reader, rather than because it's natural behavior.
Any particular reason not to say 'an emotional unicorn'? After all, in general, all unicorns use magic and a six year old (not sure if you mean human years or pony years) probably wouldn't be a formal student of magic. Presumably she'd only study the things that immediately interested her.
I feel like your characterization of Celestia is a little whacky/flat/out of character. Her personal feelings aside, she seems far too casual and I've always had a bit of a pet peeve with her just upping and going somewhere without any sort of notice. I'd expect her to at least inform her guards and/or be chided a bit on her return by one of them, with an appropriate rank. It isn't at all in line with good decorum for the Princess to be dashing about and for her servants not to know where she is. I could go on, but if you are going to change Celestia into a different character a bit more exposition to show those differences to the reader would be nice.
I also doubt the Princess would administer a potentially dangerous test in an orphanage? in the midst of a city. It just seems inconsistent and
weird. Also, why the Princess would visit some random filly is not explained. There is nothing to tell the reader why Celestia, even on the prompting of a mysterious figure would seek out some particular filly in a particular orphanage as if she knew everything before hand.
Other than that, the story pacing could use tweaking. It feels fairly rushed as is.
You know, I m a member of at least 240 groups...how do I keep missing this stuff?
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One way to make this behavior by Celestia more understandable and not so Sudden and forced is if there is something special for Celestia this day like Luna's birthday or the anniversary of her banishment(in cannon this is the summer sun celebration but this is AU enough already that you could change it).
I don't know if I just have it on the brain, but this whole scene reminds me of the Halfblood Prince flashback scenes where Dumbledore interacts with Tom Riddle before he would go on to become a mean person and antagonist to Harry. I don't know if you were inspired a little by this or not, but it goes similar.
Obviously, Shimmer isn't going to be an antagonist, but she does have that, "embittered orphan" vibe that Tom Riddle had, and Celestia has traces of Dumbledore here! This doesn't break immersion for me as I have a weakness for motherhood stories, and I am still going to read this story in it's entirely, but I was just reminded of that scene from Harry Potter.
Is this for a reason or coincidence?
Classic. It kinda makes sense for Celestia to be tormented by the past, and what it's done to Equestria. Not very many fics that I've read go over that, so kudos to you.d
Warhammer 40,000 reference with the Deer spotted! And you have my attention...
OK how the Hell do Ponies use Guns (aka Supernatural character Samuel Colt's gun Rip off) when they have no Hands for God's sake
7320290 Unicorns use dah magiks, and the others use their mouthes, think fallout equestria guns
How much 'inspiration' did you take from Warhammer Fantasy?
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More so when I started to write this, basing it off the world of Warhammer fantasy was something I wanted to do when building this universe. However, I've limited that focus as I went on, wanting to go my own original route. However, there are still a lot of Warhammer Fantasy elements to this verse.
Due to timeline and things your colt was most likely black powder based not cartridge. So she will need to clean the soot out, never mind the smoke cloud that is hazing in her room as she speaks to the deer.
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She didn't fire it though so she doesn't have to worry about that in this instance.
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Hmmm, did not fire it you say?