Stupid Coltfriend
Chapter Four
Stupid Coltfriend
*-*-*
Written Script was the very model of a good coltfriend. He wasn't actually a model—honestly, he was a little plain-looking, no more or less attractive than any other stallion—but he was a writer. Everypony knew writing was one of the five sexiest jobs, up there with musician and fire-fighter. It said so in Cosmare. So that made up for the fact that he tended to blend into the crowd, even when there was no crowd.
He wasn't clingy or overbearing like some ponies' coltfriends. In the two weeks they had been dating, they had only ever gone out when Golden Harvest wanted to go out. And he never steered the conversation towards sports or things like that. He was just fine talking about makeup and scented candles. But he didn’t ever talk too excessively. Before any conversation got too drawn-out, he would spot a passing stallion, probably one of his buddies, because he always did this waggling eyebrow trick that had to be an inside joke, and Golden Harvest was glad to get some breathing time. Nopony liked a needy stallion that just wouldn't leave her alone. No, Script gave her her space.
He had a keen intuition of what she wanted, like that. Which was another one of his good coltfriendly traits. For example, once when they were trying to decide where to go for a date, he suggested they go to the spa and get hooficures. How many mares had a coltfriend who actually wanted to go to the spa? Golden Harvest was a lucky mare.
And she never caught him flirting with other mares, either. Most mares needed to keep their stallion in line or else his eyes would start following the fine, curvy flank of that one cute waitress. The one with a bun in her mane. Yeah, she was cute. But Golden Harvest never saw him staring when there was an attractive mare nearby. He was just that loyal. She trusted him enough that she didn't feel the need to watch him at all in the presence of attractive mares. Her eyes could be elsewhere. He would behave himself.
Yes, Written Script was a perfect coltfriend, and Golden Harvest was glad to have him. Provided, of course, that he wasn't a lying, cheating son of a horse that had gone behind her back to get a role in a play so that he could get kissy with a mare that wasn't her.
“Script,” she said, poking at her juice box with a straw. The box was empty, but she continued to pretend to sip from it now and then because she was getting really tired of carrot juice and didn't want to open up another carton. It was nice of the staff at the little outdoor cafe to let her smuggle her carrot juice to the table. “Do you have, like, a twin brother or something?”
Written Script shook his head. “No, I was an only child.”
Golden Harvest nodded slowly. She was also an only child, further proof that they were perfect for one another. Unless it turned out he was a cheating bastard. Then it would explain things, because only children sometimes tended to be jerks. Not all of them, of course, because obviously she turned out fine. “Huh. That's weird, because there was this stallion in the play I saw last night who looked just like you. Must have just been the makeup.”
Script raised his eyebrows. “Oh, you saw the play last night? I thought you said you'd be too busy with your carrots.”
There he went, deflecting the topic. Golden Harvest flexed her jaw. “Carrots are hardy plants,” she snapped. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself before continuing. “Script, just tell me the truth, and I promise I won't be mad.”
Written Script furrowed his brows. “Okay...”
“Last night, were you at your writing gig, or were you at the play?”
“At the play, of course.” Script grinned. “What did you think of it? Also, what's this about a writing gig? I didn't know writers had gigs. I thought they just wrote.”
Golden Harvest was not going to cry. Sure, her coltfriend was openly admitting to deceiving her, but she was the master of her own emotions. “Oh, I thought it was great. I especially loved the part where you smooched the female lead.” Bitter sarcasm, however, was something she was not above.
“It was pretty good, huh?” Written Script wore a toothy grin. “I've got you to thank for that. Without the practice I got with you, it never would have looked convincing at all!”
Golden Harvest’s brain made a screeching noise as it stopped in its tracks. “P-practice? What do you mean… practice?”
“I mean what we’ve been doing over the last couple of weeks,” said Script. “Thank you for putting up with me, Golden. You really helped me improve my performance!”
Pain flashed in her eyes. “So, she’s the mare you really want? I’m just… just practice so you can make her happy? How is that supposed to make me feel?”
Written Script tilted his head to the side. “You're... you're kidding, right?”
Golden Harvest dragged her hoof against the ground. “If you... I mean, if you wanted to be with her, you should have at least broken up with me first. That's just common decency.”
A chuckle escaped Written Script's lips. “Honey, I think I need to reintroduce myself, because you obviously missed it the first time.” He took her hoof in his and shook it. “Hello, I'm Written Script. I'm an actor. And I am very, very gay.”
*-*-*
Stallions were all the same. One moment, they seemed like the most perfect coltfriend ever, and the next they turned out to be a gay actor using you to rehearse a romantic scene in their play. It happened every time. Golden Harvest's ears flattened to her head. “Y-you're gay?”
Script nodded. “This was one of the first things I told you about myself when we met.”
“S-so,” she stammered, “so you're like, bi, then, right?”
“Uh, no. I pretty much exclusively go for stallions.” Written Script smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head.
Golden Harvest sputtered. Her mane began to fray right before her eyes. “So you're saying I'm your one exception? The... the only mare you've ever loved?”
“You don’t remember this?” Script's eyes shifted right and left. “Listen, I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding here. I'm partly to blame for that.”
He was entirely to blame for this. “There’s definitely some misunderstanding. I do not date gay stallions,” Golden Harvest said, her voice quaking.
“And I don't date mares,” he said. “But when we met, it seemed like we could help each other out. I needed to practice being close to a mare for my role in the play, and you needed somepony to cover for you.”
“Cover for me?” Golden Harvest repeated.
“You know.” Script waved his hoof in a circle. “I pretend to be your coltfriend so that certain relatives that just don't get it will leave you alone about that particular aspect of your life. It's worked for you so far, hasn't it? Your mom hasn't given you any trouble lately?”
Almost none of what he had just said made any sense. “My mom?”
“Yeah,” said Script. “The very first thing you ever said to me was that you needed your mom to see you with a stallion.” He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Hey, look, I get it. I've been in that boat myself, and I'm happy to help. But it's only a temporary solution. Eventually you're going to need to tell your mother about the real you. You'll feel better, and no matter what happens, she'll still love you.”
“The real me?” Golden Harvest was getting tired of parroting every other thing her coltfriend was saying, but every word that came out of his mouth only made her more confused.
“The real you,” said Script, nodding his head. “The wonderful daughter your mother has who just so happens to like other mares.”
“Wait. You think I'm... you think I'm gay? You think I'm gay, and I'm trying to hide it from my mother, because...” Half of Golden Harvest wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and the other half wanted to curl into a ball and sob. She split the difference and sank to her haunches. Her empty juicebox dropped to the ground.
“Of course, I suppose I'm not too surprised you didn't catch some of the details of our arrangement. Your eyes were glued to that one mare at the bar all night.” Script grinned.
“This is not happening,” Golden Harvest muttered. “I am not being told by my gay coltfriend that he thinks I am gay. I am not being covered for by my gay coltfriend so that my mother doesn't find out I'm gay. This is just another ridiculous dream like the one where I kissed Applejack, or where I go to school naked. I will wake up, and everything will be—oh goddesses, it's her!” She searched frantically for cover to hide behind, but her immediate surroundings were woefully lacking in trees or mailboxes.
“Who? The mare from the bar?” Script nudged her and winked. “You should go say hi to her. Nothing's going to happen if you just hide.”
“Not her,” Golden Harvest shrieked, the color draining from her face. “My mother!”
*-*-*
Beta Carotene was a middle-aged mare with an orange coat and a poofy swirl of mane. As a nutritionist, she was fairly fit for her age, and she walked with a youthful spring in her step that belied her years. However, the small wrinkles at the corners of her eyes and the air of matronly wisdom that seemed to radiate from her cued ponies in that here was a pony who had been around the block a few times and knew the lay of the land.
She was also objectively the most embarrassing mother in Equestria.
“Oh! If it isn't my little Carrot Top!” Golden's mother trotted across the square towards them.
Golden Harvest's eyes darted rapidly back and forth. She grabbed Script by the neck. “Quick! Kiss me!”
“But I thought—mmff!” His protests were drowned out in a smacking of lips. Script's breath tasted like stale hay and breath mints, and Golden Harvest didn't like the scratchiness of his chin. But the sensation of his lips against hers... was also pretty gross. It was a terrible kiss.
“What a brilliant performance!” Mom clapped her hooves against the flagstones. “Why, I nearly believed it!”
Golden Harvest broke away from the kiss and wiped her mouth with her hoof. And then wiped it again with her other hoof because ew, spit. Written Script fell back to his haunches, coughing and sputtering. “Oh, hello, mother,” she said. “I didn't notice you because I was in the middle of something with my coltfriend. You haven't met him yet, have you?”
Her mother gave the hacking stallion a cheerful wave. “Well, hello again, Script! I haven't seen you since last month's meeting.”
Script managed a weak smile. “Hi, Mrs. Carotene.”
Golden Harvest's smile grew uneasy. “You... you know each other?”
“Well of course I know Script, honey. He's a member of the CCFFA.” She gave Script a hoof to help him stand, which he accepted gratefully.
“What's the—”
“Colt-Cuddlers' and Filly-Foolers' Alliance,” Golden Harvest's mother answered before she could finish asking. “We have meetings on the first Tuesday of every month. You should come, sweetie. There’s some cute mares there who would love to meet you.”
Golden Harvest pouted her lip out. “Mom, I'm not gay.”
Her mother rolled her eyes. “Of course you aren't, dearie. You are as straight as the flight of an arrow.” A mischievous grin spread across her face. “That reminds me, Script. How are things with Spiral Fletching?”
Script's ears sank. “He and I broke up a few weeks ago,” he said.
“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.” Mother gave him a slow pat on the back. After a moment, her eyes alighted on Golden Harvest's mane. With a brief sigh, she dug a brush out of her saddlebag and took to brushing out the tangles that had developed. “Topsy, I wish you would consider cutting your mane short. You would make the loveliest butch.”
“Mother!” Golden Harvest reared back, wincing as the brush caught in her mane.
“I'm just saying, dear,” her mother said, regaining control of the brush, “that if you were to put forward a little bit of effort, you could have any mare you wanted. Maybe that nice Apple girl, hm?”
Golden Harvest turned bright red. “I...” she breathed through her teeth, “am not... a filly-fooler.”
“Of course. I keep forgetting, Topsy. You have been absolutely straight, only interested in stallions forever and ever, ever since what's-her-face broke your poor heart two months ago.” Mother pat her on the withers.
Golden Harvest bit her lip. “Daisy was just a friend, Mom. You scared her off with all your weird filly-fooler stuff.”
Beta Carotene put a hoof on her hip. “If she scares so easily, then she's not good enough for my daughter, anyway. But I seem to recall I was out of town on business when you came crying to me that she'd left you.”
Golden Harvest crossed her forelegs over her chest and scowled. It had definitely been her mother's weird filly-fooler ways that had spooked Daisy. The fact that said ways had come through Golden Harvest was irrelevant. Ponies imitated their parents all the time. It wasn't her fault Daisy had mistaken her actions to mean Golden wanted that kind of a relationship.
Golden Harvest wasn't like her mother. She wasn't a filly-fooler. She had a coltf... she had until recently thought she had a coltfriend. Some day when she had a filly of her own, she wasn't going to be so weird around her, pointing out which mares passing by on the street were 'screamers' and encouraging her to 'find herself a filly and fool around.'
Her mother sighed. “Fine, go ahead and sulk. I'm only trying to help.” She put the hairbrush back into her saddlebag. “I can't stay any longer, anyway. I'm meeting your other mother for tea at one thirty. Is there anything you want me to pass along to Taproot, sweetie?”
Golden Harvest continued to sulk.
“Very well.” Beta Carotene adjusted the strap on her bags. “I love you, Goldie. It was good seeing you, Script.”
“Wait.” Golden Harvest dug into her saddlebags and handed a box of carrot juice to her mother. “Give her this.” After a moment of hesitation, she hugged her mom. “And this.”
Her mother kissed her on the forehead. “I will. You take care of yourself, my little Carrot Top.”
Written Script watched her trot off into the busy streets. His eyes were as wide as saucers. “Wow. You never told me your mother was the Beta Carotene!”
Golden Harvest's shoulders sagged. “The one and only,” she grumbled.
“She's only the most outspoken lesbian in the whole district!” Was he—? ...He was gushing. Golden Harvest's gay coltfriend was gushing over how great a gay mother she had. This was just a gay old time. “I mean, she's the pony that got the conception clinic established at Ponyville General Hospital so same-sex couples didn't need to go to Canterlot to have foals!”
“Yeah,” Golden Harvest sighed. “About twenty years ago, after she and Taproot had to take a train to Canterlot in order to have me.”
“This is just incredible. Your mom is my hero.” Written Script paused, scrunching up his nose. “But wait. Why in Equestria would you want to convince her you're straight?”
“Because I am not Beta Carotene!” Golden Harvest snapped. A few nearby ponies turned their heads at her outburst. “I'm not my mother. I don’t flirt with mares half my age or take trips down to Las Pegasus to join in on big herding conventions. And I'm not my other mother, either. Celestia knows she's just as screwed up as Beta, but at least she's not as public about it. No, she just waits at home and pretends she’s fine with it. I’m not like them. I am not a filly-fooler. I'm me, I'm Golden Harvest! I'm... I'm...” She trailed off as her voice grew weak and hoarse.
Written Script held her awkwardly in his hooves. “Hey. It's, uh... it's alright. Don't cry.” He cleared his throat. “Look, I'm just an actor. I can't tell you who you are. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions on that front.” He paused, then muttered out the side of his mouth, “...even though it’s a really easy conclusion to jump to...”
Golden Harvest gave a miserable moan and sniffed loudly, wiping her nose on his coat.
He grimaced, but continued. “But what I can tell you is that the type of pony you fall in love with is only a small part of who and what you are. If you happen to have the same orientation as your mother—not that I'm saying you do—that doesn't mean you have to be anything like her if you don't want to.”
Golden Harvest remained silent for a long time. When she finally did speak, her voice was muffled by his shoulder. “...Script?”
Script pulled back and looked down at her. “Yeah?”
“I... I think I'm going to have an identity crisis.” Golden Harvest stared shakily at the ground. “I'm probably going to blame you. You're a nice colt, and I don't want to hit you.”
Script rubbed his cheek. “Uh, thanks? The director would kill me if I got a bruise now.”
“So you should probably go before it starts.” Golden Harvest looked up and smiled at him weakly.
Written Script stood up. “Are you going to be okay?”
She shrugged. “Probably not.”
He gave her one last hug before walking away. “Hey. Let's still be friends, okay?”
So went the strangest relationship to ever end on those words.
Next Chapter:
Chapter FiveStupid, Smart Minuette
"I think, if you're not a filly-fooler yet, you will be after a few shots."
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I lost it at those words.
Okay, Carrot is crossing the line from funny to mare in need of serious help.
3966243
You win all the points.
My Little Goldscript: Mutual Beards are Magic.
Interesting choice on the first scene break. No actual change in space or time, but an earth-shaking one in Golden Harvest's little world.
And so we see the root of Harvest's issues. And like a carrot, it goes very, very deep. Fortunately, if the analogy holds up, that means that a few good tugs should get it all out in the open, and I think we just saw the first one. I look forward to more.
...I was not expecting that. Magnificent twist, my good author. I'll keep on reading because I really enjoy this.
And here's where the tune of "Everything You Know is Wrong!" by Weird Al starts playing in my head.
Poor Golden Harvest... can't wait to see how her next AJ sighting turns out.
3975683
~Everything you know is wrong;
white is black, up is down and short is long,
and everything you thought was so important doesn't matter~
I'm surprised how much of that song I still remember off the top of my head.
Yay gay!
3975698
If this wasn't funny before (and it was) it just hit 11 on the scale of hilarity! What an awesomely amazingly awesome twist filled chapter! This was a laughing riot, I loved it. My hat goes off to you for setting up the whole bigoted mother scenario only to completely turn it on it's head. So awesome. All that lead in only for her to be lesbian spokesmare #1 and arrot, instead of trying to get a homophobic mother off her back, is just rebelling against her overly friendly "assistance" and avoiding being her. Hahaha~
I was sorta right!
Ok, it takes a lot to get me to click that thumbs-up button. And I did not expect this fic to do it. I kind of idly followed this fic to see if it went anywhere, without any real hope that it would. But this chapter...yeah. Congrats.
Ok. So far, this story has been amusing enough, but this chapter definitely turned that up a notch.
Wow. This chapter manages to be hilarious and touching at the same time. Poor Carrot Top. Twisting yourself into a mental pretzel never works out well.
On an unrelated note, you've got a great talent with pony names. These names are classics, and Carrot Top, daughter of Beta Carotene, is my new head-cannon.
Awww, see she can be a reasonable pony sometimes.
I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Carrot Top, I hope she gets a happy ending.
3975973 Golden's mothers--Beta Carotene and Taproot--are the only names I made up myself. Written Script is the name of the stallion, according to the wiki, that we see with Golden Harvest at the train station in Just for Sidekicks.
But thank you. I like Beta too.
3976044
Really? Where's Spiral Fletching from?
3976053
Oops, forgot about him. Okay, so I made up three names, then.
Edit: And the late Aunt Rutabaga from last chapter. Four names.
3976067
'tis all good.
Still, Carrot Top is as straight as the trajectory of an arrow. I suppose that means that now that she's forced to confront her sexual identity, she's about to GO BALLISTIC!
*crickets chirp*
Magnificantly hilarious, especially the twist with Beta Carotene!
Parents: in some small ways, whether they mean to or not, they mess their children up. But its good that Bete still acts like a loving mother, even if she's overzealous, and that Carrot can appreciate that.
Little known fact: Arrows don't actually fly straight, they bend and wiggle, so CT is in fact as straight as a flying arrow.
This is funny, smart and full of awesome. Beta Carotene? Oh, man, that's the cleverest pony-name I have read in a long time.
I am loving this story. Please keep it up.
Being a writer is one of the top five sexiest jobs out there, according to a writer...
3977964 seems legit
3975649
I was thinking something similar. Her denial is starting to seem a lot less funny, and a lot more deeply concerning. I don't think that was unintended, though. This chapter is certainly taking a more serious look at her denial and the reasons behind it. At least, it's serious by this story's standards. That I laughed at so much of her behavior before is making me feel somewhat uncomfortable now, though. I feel like I've just spent an evening laughing at an old man on the subway who just can't quite seem able to keep his trousers up, only to find out later that he's suffering from severe dementia.
Still, I am very excited to read what happens next.
3977827
I do believe that was the point.
3977964 Someone wrote it, therefore it must be true!
3978661 3975649
I hope it isn't drifting too far into uncomfortable territory for you. Certainly, Golden Harvest has more and deeper issues than what is on the surface, and she is steadily becoming more unhinged as the story goes on, but it's not my intention for this story to get too terribly dark in that regard.
We'll just have to see what you think of how the next few chapters go. If, by the end of it, you feel there's something that needs to be addressed that hasn't been, please tell me. I'd hate to be the person gathering people together to laugh and take pictures of that old man on the subway.
So I guess you could say... he needed to lose the beard.
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stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/2570734/pinkie-pie-trombone-o.gif
waa waa waaah
Excelent!
Wow. There's denial and then there's Golden Harvest. Identity crisis indeed hehe.
3976044
Wait, Just for Sidekicks? I thought that only happened in Flight to the Finish.Holy Crap! Some layout artist is trying to make this a reoccurring thing!
3984397 Yep. I did a bit of research when writing this (read: "I went to the wiki and looked at Golden Harvest's page"), and it looks like someone on the team ships them. They're together in Just For Sidekicks and Games Ponies Play, although since it's the same scene repeated in both episodes, that really only counts as one; Flight to the Finish, and they are together with Dinky between them in The Last Roundup.
Love this fic so, so much.
Accordions are indeed the second-most romantic instrument, preceded only by strings-woodwinds-and-some-brass!
No offense, but I think I'm going to drop out of this one. It's hilarious, well-written, and all, but just not really my kind of story.
3994749 Okay. I'm sorry to hear that, but it's not like I can force you to keep reading. (Yet.
) Hopefully you find something more to your tastes.
3984606
Well I've got to say, this is the most clever subversion of their "established canon" relationship!
The voices in my head told me to!
4011557 And here I thought no one caught that one.
Loved chapter one.
Liked chapter two.
Liked chapter three.
And then it goes too far (fuzing the mare with the idiot ball) and falls off the rails. Too bad, I'd hoped this was a story I could actually enjoy.
And with that...I QUIT!
WHAT HAS THE WORLD OF BRONIES AND PEGASISTERS COME TO!?
4011557 Well they were right this time for sure, are they always this helpful, just asking.
I'm not really getting why people chose to leave at this point, when it'c clearly a show of an author who knows what he/she's doing.
Been reading it so far and I have to say, I'm enjoying it a great deal. I was looking for a fanfic that I would like reading (rather than one where I'd have to slog; spoilers intact, I do too much of that) and, well, thank you for sharing this one.
Well, you're not really that gay, if you're making out with someone of the opposite gender all the time, even if it is for reasons.
Well, he does say "I pretty much exclusively go for stallions."
Oh well. Her life will hopefully get a bit easier for her now, if she gets a bit more in touch with her feelings.
I swear to god, this story is like a form of comedy crack I can read X'D
I am constantly in stitches over this and can't wait to read the next chapter.
You know, there was something deep and profoundly moving I was just about to say...
...but forgot by the time I got down here, I was laughing that hard!
I bet she was.
This one really threw me for a curve, but it was a good one!
I can see why Carrot doesn't want to be a super-mega-lesbo like her madre, but she can just settle for being a super lesbo. We're cool! 
This is a brilliant name.
On another note, I'm feeling quite bad for Golden Harvest.
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I know it's true! I read it on the Internet!