Stupid Colgate
Chapter Two
Stupid Colgate
*-*-*
The trick to life was to enjoy the simple pleasures. Golden Harvest had heard that from... somepony important. Or maybe she had read it somewhere. She didn't remember, but she knew it had to have been somepony wise that had said it. Probably Celestia. If a pony didn't stop to enjoy the simple things in her life, then stress would get to her and pretty soon she wouldn't be able to grow good carrots. Carrots could sense stress, and it made them bitter. It took a clear mind to grow carrots.
So Golden Harvest made sure to spend her lunch enjoying the simple pleasures. She staked out a spot under the shadiest tree in the park, informing the couple of colts that had been there before her that she was certain she'd heard their mothers calling for them. She stretched out on the cool grass, a carton of carrot juice in one hoof and a cherry danish in the other—Uncle Carrot Cake always gave her a family discount on danishes—and she laid back to receive all the simple pleasures Equestria had to throw at her.
So far, Equestria had thrown a couple acorns at her, a wayward frisbee, and some pollen that Golden Harvest thought she might be a little bit allergic to. No simple pleasures yet. She wrinkled her nose.
At least she had her best friend Colgate there to listen to her vent about her morning. That was sort of like a simple pleasure, she guessed.
“...So there I am, wounded,” she said, waving her juice. “I mean, I was bleeding and everything. I'm pretty sure there was blood.” She held up her bandaged hoof to show Colgate.
“Uh-huh,” replied Colgate.
“And then she saunters up to the fence like she's got nothing better to do.” Golden Harvest finished the last bite of her danish, taking a moment to swallow before continuing. “She gives me this smirk and says, 'Ooh, that looks like it smarts! Ya better put a bandage on it!' And then she just walks off. I think I heard her snicker, too.”
Colgate took a sip of her juice. “Really? What kind of pony does that?”
“I know!” Golden Harvest scooted backwards to prop her back against the trunk of the tree. “Worst neighbor ever.”
Colgate blinked. “Wait. Who did you say this was, again?”
“Applejack,” griped Golden Harvest.
Her friend's lips went crooked. She burst into a fit of giggles and snorts. “Right,” she said, “and then Fluttershy roughed you up for your lunch money, huh?”
Golden Harvest frowned. This was not the sympathetic ear she'd been hoping for. This was what she got for being friends with a dentist. “What?”
“Oh come on,” Colgate chuckled. “If it was Applejack, she would've dropped what she was doing and helped you out herself. Probably would've given you an apple to help you feel better, too.”
Golden Harvest's cheeks burned. That apple core was only going to be in her saddlebags until she passed a trash can. She wasn't a litter-bug. “Just finish your juice,” she grumbled, digging another carton of the stuff out of her bag. “I've got to get rid of all these before they spoil.”
The unicorn held her carton in her magic. “Did 'Carrot-Juice Season' not turn out like you hoped?”
“I don't understand why not,” said Golden Harvest, pushing two more juice boxes over to her. “Ponies line up all the way down the road when Applejack has her Cider Season.”
Colgate shrugged. “I think these things give me indigestion.” She took another sip. “As a dentist, though, I always approve of a sugar-free snack.”
Golden Harvest emptied one box of carrot juice and opened up another, frowning at the label. She had designed it herself, and it was hardly noticeable at all that she had run out of space at the end, making it read:
Golden Harv-
-est's World-Class
Carrot Jui
Juice
It was a narrow box.
A thought came to her. “Hey! Maybe you could advertise them at your clinic! You could hand out samples to ponies there to get their teeth cleaned, or something.”
Colgate winced. “I don't know about that. I think I'm supposed to get it approved by some kind of board if I want to sponsor something.”
Golden Harvest pouted out her lip. “Aw, c'mon, Colgate.”
Colgate's ears flicked. “Don't call me that. You know it bugs me when ponies call me that. My name's Minuette.”
Colgate clearly didn't know a good nickname when she heard one. “What was your name, Colgate?” Golden Harvest said, grinning. “I thought it was Colgate, Colgate. Brushie-brushie.” She poked at her friend's ribs.
Colgate set her drink down in the grass. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in through her nostrils. “Fine. If that's the way you want to play it... Carrot Top.”
Minuette raised a compelling point. Nicknames were completely unnecessary and uncalled for. “Okay, you win,” Golden Harvest said, waving both forehooves. “Minuette, Minuette, Minuette.”
A wicked grin crossed Minuette's blue lips. “What's that, Carrot Top? Were you talking to somepony, Carrot Top? Most carroty of all tops?” She reached out and mussed up Golden Harvest's mane.
“Augh! No, stop!” Golden Harvest squealed, spilling a carton of carrot juice over the base of the tree.
Minuette looked up. “Oh, look, Carrot Top, it's your 'terrible neighbor!'”
Golden Harvest's head jerked up. “What? Where?” She followed the direction of her friend's pointing hoof. Sure enough, Applejack was strolling across the park, the bouncing pink mane of Ponyville's omnipresent party pony bobbing alongside her.
Sudden panic seized Golden Harvest's chest. She couldn't let Applejack see her out here! She'd been on lunch break for half the afternoon, and her neighbor would think she was lazy! Not that she cared what Applejack thought of her or anything, and it wasn't like she was actually lazy—she was just making sure her stress didn't turn her carrots bitter, after all—but if Applejack spotted her out here, she'd think carrots could be grown by a lazy pony, and she would take it to mean she could be as distracting as she wanted because the carrots could grow with or without Golden Harvest paying attention to them. Which was ludicrous, of course. Carrots required incredible work ethic. They were the workhorses of the vegetable kingdom.
Minuette raised her eyebrows as Golden Harvest scrambled up the tree. “What are you doing?”
“Shh!” hissed Golden Harvest, hiding among the branches. “I'm not here!”
Rolling her eyes, Minuette turned and waved at Applejack and Pinkie.
“What are you doing?” whispered Golden Harvest, clinging to the branch. “Don't wave at them! You'll bring them over—” She stifled herself as Applejack returned Minuette's wave with a greeting.
“Well howdy there, Minuette!”
“Hi, Applejack,” called the traitorous dentist. “How are your grandmother's new dentures treating her?”
Applejack and Pinkie trotted up to the tree. Golden Harvest pressed in deeper into the foliage.
“She says she can chew apples better than she could when she had all of her own teeth!”
“That's good.” Minuette nodded. She glanced up at Golden Harvest and smirked. “Hey, do you two want some Carrot juice? This stuff is Tops.”
“Ooh, pulpy!” remarked Pinkie, already helping herself to one.
Applejack picked up a box, reading the label. “I reckon you got these from Golden Harvest. How's her hoof?”
The look Minuette shot up at Golden Harvest could easily have just been her rolling her eyes. “I think she'll live.”
Applejack tipped her hat. “Well, give her my regards, if you see her. Thanks for the juice.” She turned around. “Come on, Pinkie, let's get along to Twilight's.”
Pinkie waved. “Bye, you two!” The both of them plodded off, disappearing over the nearest hill.
Minuette watched as Golden Harvest climbed down out of the tree. A good friend would have helped her, but Minuette was a pony who made a living poking at ponies' teeth with sharp drills, so she just watched. “What was that all about?” she asked.
Golden Harvest grunted as she lowered herself to the ground. Getting down from a tree was hard. It wasn't like she was a fruit and had Applejack there to buck her.
That didn't sound quite as wrong before Golden Harvest had thought it. “I think they're up to something,” she said, ignoring Minuette's question.
"Who? Applejack and Pinkie Pie?”
“Applejack and all her friends,” said Golden Harvest. “Don't you ever wonder what all those mares do together all the time?”
Minuette scratched the back of her head. “Save the world?”
“They don't save it that often.” Golden Harvest gathered up her saddlebags. “I'm going to follow them. Come be my lookout.”
Minuette sighed. “As much as I'd love to help you stalk your neighbor, I've got an appointment in seven and a half minutes.” Sometimes it was creepy how Minuette always knew exactly what time it was without ever looking at a clock. She was lucky to have a friend like Golden Harvest that didn't mind it even though it really was creepy and she should just get a watch so other ponies could pretend she was normal. “Besides,” Minuette added, “don't you have carrots to take care of?”
“Carrots need their space,” Golden Harvest called, cantering toward the edge of the park. You had to leave carrots alone sometimes. It wasn't good to baby them, unless you were growing baby carrots.
*-*-*
Golden Harvest's special talent was growing carrots. But if ponies had two special talents, then her other special talent would have been stealth. She could probably be a spy if she ever got tired of gardening, because she was just that good at sneaking. She was surprised she'd never been approached by the Equestrian Intelligence Agency. It was just second nature for her to fade into the background, hiding among the sea of faces and manes as she followed her quarry.
Okay, this was Ponyville, so it was more like a lake of faces, or maybe a pond. But that made it harder to blend. Golden Harvest managed it, though. She was invisible. She was nowhere and everywhere. She was—
“Oh, hello, Golden Harvest,” said Cheerilee, smiling brightly as Golden Harvest crouched behind a mailbox. “How are you doing today?”
“I'm just fine. Thank you for asking,” Golden Harvest answered, because continuing to crouch there and ignore Cheerilee would get her noticed. Also, not answering her would have been rude, and Golden Harvest wasn't rude. Except to ponies who deserved it, like Applejack.
“Can I ask what you're up to?” Cheerilee was kinda a nosy pony. Probably came from being a teacher. Catching ponies chewing gum and passing notes was her job.
Golden Harvest wasn't passing notes, though, and the gum she had been chewing on was out of flavor anyway—gum helped her sneak, because chewing on it drowned out the sound of her hoofsteps—so it wasn't the schoolteacher's business.
“It's a secret,” Golden Harvest explained. “Carrot-farming stuff.” It wasn't a lie. She was following Applejack so that she could find out what she was up to, so she could... well, it was connected in some way with getting Applejack to stop bugging Golden Harvest so she could concentrate on her carrots. It was all completely driven by her simple desire to grow the best carrots she could.
And if she spent any longer discussing it with Cheerilee, Golden Harvest would lose sight of Applejack and Pinkie. “NicetalkingtoyouCheerileeIgottagobye!” Her farewell said to Cheerilee, Golden Harvest galloped—stealthily—into the crowd.
Fortunately, Pinkie Pie was not as naturally gifted in the art of stealth as Golden Harvest was, bouncing and bounding all through town, and stopping to toss out a greeting at every pony she saw. It made her and Applejack very easy to follow, although Golden Harvest had to make sure not to become a target for Pinkie's enthusiastic hellos.
Finally the pair arrived at the great oak that served as the town's library. Ah-ha! Applejack had said they were going to Twilight's place, not the library. Golden Harvest had caught them red-hoofed in their web of deception. And why would they lie about going to the library? Why, because that was where one Twilight Sparkle lived, of course, known for being Equestria’s newest crowned princess and part of Applejack’s circle of friends, which was of course code for ‘lesbian harem.’ Golden Harvest watched the pair enter the library, no doubt to engage in a torrid flurry of debauchery.
She made her way to one of the library windows. To... confirm her suspicions. However, before she could really get a look inside, the door opened again. Out stepped Pinkie and Applejack, looks of mild disappointment on their faces following what had to have been the shortest flurry of debauchery in Equestrian history. Golden Harvest dove into the bushes to keep from being discovered.
Pinkie Pie froze after a couple of steps. “Itchy ribs, tickly nose, eye-wink. Hi, Golden Harvest!”
Applejack stopped and looked at Pinkie. “Pinkie, I thought you called that your 'gaydar' combo.”
“Applejack! Spoilers!”
Golden Harvest willed herself not to respond. Technically, the greeting hadn't been directly at her, because Pinkie didn't know where Golden Harvest was, she just thought she was around. So it wasn't technically a friendly greeting to her. She could not afford to let her reflexes blow her cover. Golden Harvest was calm. She was cool. She was in complete control. Celestia above, she was already out of the bushes and waving, wasn't she?
“Hi Pinkie! Hi Applejack! Funny seeing you here, huh?” Damn her traitorous instincts.
Applejack turned and smiled. “Well howdy, Golden Harvest. How's your hoof?”
Golden Harvest had lost the bandage somewhere between here and the park, but she wasn't about to let Applejack steer her off the trail. She demanded answers. Just what obscene acts had that mare and Pinkie been up to in there? What positions did they use, respectively, in said acts? How in Celestia's name had they finished said acts inside of thirty seconds?
“Oh, my hoof is okay,” Golden Harvest said, turning her eyes to the ground bashfully. “You did a great job bandaging it; it's almost all better already.” She was easing Applejack up to the hard questions. Interrogating her without her knowing she was being interrogated. That was how spies did it.
“That's good to hear.” Applejack nodded.
“Yes.” Golden Harvest rubbed one leg against the back of the other.
She would have thought awkward pauses in the conversation—no, interrogation—would be impossible with Pinkie Pie present, but the curly-maned baker remained bafflingly silent, her eyes shifting between Applejack and Golden Harvest. Pinkie's grin grew wider as a minute ticked by.
Applejack finally coughed into her hoof. “Say, I don't s'pose you're free this evening, are you? Pinkie and I were going to catch a play with Twilight, but it looks like Twi just got called away to some official summit. Leaves us with an extra ticket, and nopony to share it with.”
Absolutely not. There was no way in Equestria Golden Harvest was going to take that ticket. Spending a couple hours in a dark room sitting next to her? She would probably get all creepy and grabby when she thought Golden Harvest wasn't looking. And besides, even if she did want to go, which she most certainly did not, she couldn't leave her carrots alone for a whole evening. Carrots required constant attention and care.
“I would love to go! Thank you so much, Applejack!” It was bad form to get too attached to one's carrots. They would need to learn to fend for themselves eventually, when they got sold at the market, so it was good practice to give them a night without her there. Also, Golden Harvest had heard that it was a really good play.
“Great!” Applejack clapped her hooves together. “We'll come get you at five.” She tipped her hat and turned down the street.
Pinkie followed Applejack, but turned and waved to Golden Harvest. “Bye, you two!”
Next Chapter:
Chapter Three
Stupid, Sexy Applejack
"This is the best date ever!"
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I just noticed this was posted to the "Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau," and I found it kinda funny, because I didn't put it there, so someone out there isn't really holding true to the spirit of self-promotion.
So much yes.
Oh my glob yes.
This instinctual pony politeness makes for amazing headcanon and even better comedy fodder
I love Carrot's self-delusion
Stupid, Sexy Applejack indeed. Damn, wish I'd figured this out for a fic I'm doing. Well done! Very entertaining so far.
Carrot's just gonna keep getting more and more bi-polar when it comes to AJ, isn't she?
3939833 Sometimes it takes a friend to be shameless for you.
I really lost it, right there and then.
3940043
More and more bi-sexual too.
INGENIOUS!
Carrot Cake as Carrot Top's uncle is now totally part of my head-cannon.
I just about snorted carrot juice (yes, really) up my nose at that line. This story is made of so much win.
3939833
In turn, you just told us that you are part of that group as well and thus...self-promotion.
I wonder who followed Carrot Top, Master of Sneaky-Chew-Ostrich-Track?
Also absolutely hilarious. Carrot Top's unfathomable desire to return greetings.
Oh man, your comedic timing is amazing. This line in particular had me laughing uproariously:
You had to leave carrots alone sometimes. It wasn't good to baby them, unless you were growing baby carrots.
I hope
Carrot TopGolden Harvest loosens up eventually, but her insane thoughts are entertaining for now.Truly, Golden Harvest deserves a spot on Her Highness's Secret Service for her natural stealthiness and spycraft!
Great chapter!
Pure win.
Keep up the great work!
carrots sure are finicky little vegetables.
3941057 It's not my place to do so.
3940307 That is an excellent choice of beverage for reading this. Golden Harvest approves.
3941034 They are the most fickle of all taproots.
Tsundere Harvest.
Applejack Sempai.
3941478 Pretty much. I don't know a whole lot about the tsundere archetype beyond what's on the TVTropes page, but about halfway through this story I recognized that was basically what I was writing Golden Harvest as.
I'm not sure if clapping her hooves together is appropriate body language for Applejack. Pinkie, yes, and Rarity, maybe, bit Applejack is more reserved and calm for that. She could wave her hooves in the air while standing on her hind legs, like a regular excited horse, but hoof clapping is a little... Nerdy for her.
Sorry for overemphasizing her body language, but it was rather jarring for me for some reason.
I wish I could follow you twice. (That way, I get double the stories from you.) (Uh....wait....oops
)
Anyhoo, I know it's been mentioned already, but the lines about having Applejack there to buck Golden Harvest along with Pinkie's gaydar made my night of fimfic reading complete. I look very forward to the next chapter.
Obviously, the reason the Equestrian Intelligence Agency has not approached Golden Harvest is that she is SO good at stealth even the spymasters cannot find her. Which is a shame, because she is also very good at deception. One could mistakenly get the impression that she is projecting a bit, what with all her talk about lesbian harems and whatnot.
Other than that, a really refreshing shipping story you have here, and I enjoy every second of it.
3939833
A stranger lives vicariously through you, good author. In this way, they too can share the joy of writing without writing!
Very amusing fic so far. I approve.
3943447 That's... actually a very nice way of seeing it. I like it. Makes me feel all warm-fuzzy and connected and stuff.
ha! the "Also, Golden Harvest had heard that it was a really good play." line is great (there are tons of others too... but no one has pointed this one out yet =P)
As did I. How does a creature with hooves climb a tree? Did she drag herself up by her teeth, or did she instinctively channel her reality-defying earth pony magic in her panic?
Obviously, they haven't noticed her.
This perfectly captures the essence of Harvest's character. She can't hear her hoofsteps, therefore nopony else can. That's outright solipsism, that is.
Another fantastic chapter. Golden Harvest is clearly less than completely sane. I look forward to seeing how that value changes.
3939833
You're not a shameless self-promoter, but as the juice proves, your take on Golden Harvest is. It's a corner case.
Impending
-"So, Golden Harvest. How would you like to be the seventh wheel in our lesbian cult?"
3946712
G.H.: I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a les- "Goddesses, yes! Take me now!"
3946736
-"Welcome, Darling! I'll be your guide!
-"Let's start you off with something simple shall we? ♥"
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/2/9/547344.gif
-"Then we can move on to that 'seven pony' sexual position I've always want to try ;3"
The humor in this story is really smart and subtle, and the characters practically ooze personality, a trait that's rare on this site. Plus, I've never seen a farmer romance before. I dig it.
Goddamn, I lost it so hard I almost hurt myself.
Reading this for the first time and you got me with a line I wont say which one though.
I am a bit shocked that no one has commented on Pinkie's last line.
3944529
Google "goats in trees" and prepare to have your mind blown.
4055442
One other person did. Aatxe360. But it was easy to miss, since they didn't say what they were referring to.
In any case, here's my comment on the matter -
Okay, so when did this fic turn into a CreepyPasta?
3946712
3946736
3946877
Oh gosh, you two. Oh gosh.
I'm glad I was able to read this little mini-(parody-)fic in the comments.
3944529
Every time I hear of solipsism now, I think of "Low of Solipsism" from Death Note. Not that I'm complaining.
4115764 ah ok I see it, it's such a strangely creepy line though right? is Pinkie talking about us?
Ok, River Song...
3944529
Oh good, I was hoping she might have some trouble fitting in with AJ'S lesbian harem. (Since we all know it was probably her idea anyways, that dastardly mare.)
[youtube=zD2rV1CfQjo]
Dat Freudian slip.
This is... golden so far.
I read this a while ago, but I need to mention that the chewing gum joke here intimidates me constantly. I hope someday I can come up with an equally well-constructed joke.
And thanks for this story. It's a personal favourite, and one of my primary references when I'm explaining unreliable narrator to other writers.
I'm dying.