• Member Since 25th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 8th, 2014

Fuckmylife4000


I'm just a regular guy that just wants to share his stories with others

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Violentine is a male pony that others find to be, umm a soon to be psychopath who you don't want to mess with. The sad thing is he just wants to know how its like to love somepony that cares the same for him.

Lithium is a changeling that has escaped her hive because she was to shy and empathetic to hurt others. Deep down she wants to know how its like to actually receive love instead of taking it away by force.

Could this two outcasts work something out together or will everything they worked so hard to achieve, come crashing down like a house of cards on a windy day.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 6 )

Ugh what I can say. It was much to fast, instantly they love selfs, what?

3952548 Yeah I know, I kinda of rushed it to post it out on valentine's day.

Decent, although there are spelling, grammar, and pacing issues.

3976913 I know but I am working on it, thanks though.

i don´t care for any grammar.
I like it but it is to soon to make it my favourite.

You don't have to curse in the context of a third-person narrative, it's not very inventive.

He dealt with this type of thing multiple times at his SCHOOL before, he would get angry towards somepony, he would beat the shit out of them, he would go to the office, sign a new contract, and everything would be just fine. The only reason he stayed at this school was probably the fact that his GRADES were way to high for the school district to just let him go.

We've just established this one paragraph ago. you've just rendered this statement completely pointless.

Mr. Coltson said hoping that another long lecture with Violentine might change his "rude" behavior towards other STUDENTS AND TEACHERS.

This statement is also redundant because you've made it obvious as to why he's been given a lecture.

Violentine hated that his life was like this, he just hated it whenever anypony would make fun of him. He had a very high temper that would make him erupt in complete and utter anger to just beat the shit out of other ponies. Sometimes he would question if he ever even had any control of himself.

Character development needs to be deciphered by the reader - Not told to them; Back-stories, thoughts, and feelings need to be presented - not explained.

Violentine stopped himself, he was simply just so used to being called by his nickname that he actually started referring to himself as such, "My name is Valentine HeartBurst." he said trying his very best to be properly formal for this mare.

...... Do I need to say what hasn't already been said? The same can be said about the rest of this chapter, so I'm done complaining.

And don't address the audience!

They made small talk like any other pony in the diner as they laughed and chuckled at each others jokes.

See? This scene has potential for character development. But first: SHOW; Don't TELL!

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