Tatters
Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria, Overseer of the Arts, Goddess of the Moon.
Dot.
Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria, Overseer of the Arts, Goddess of the Moon.
Dot.
Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria, Overseer of the Moon, Goddess of the Arts.
Dot.
Princess Luna, Diarch of the Moon, Overseer of the Goddess, Moon-
Sighing and closing my eyes, I crumple up the errant paperwork and toss it into the fire. Nopony will miss it, anyway. It's probably some earmark for a noble house or something. Putting the quill back in its well, I shove it and its compatriot – a sizable stack of menialities requiring my signature – to the edge of my desk.
I peek open again and examine my writing surface. A slate of onyx sits on ebony legs, the gem's edges trimmed with a thin layer of silver. It's messy, papers and inkwells mixed up with trinkets and regalia. My crown is in there somewhere, I think.
But I like this desk. It's small and compact, for a princess, that is. I can just about reach from one end to the other, and it doesn't stretch out too far. Yes, technically there isn't much of a physical issue because of magic, but that seems cheating, in a way.
A knock on my door.
“Come in,” I answer. It's Ceylon, with her auburn head and mahogany mane sticking inside the room. Her dark eyes settle on me and she smiles.
“I have your tea, Princess. Just as you like it.” Her voice is thick and sweet, almost like honey. She smiles even wider and steps in the room, donned in a white apron and levitating a tray before her. It holds a china teapot and a set of respective teacups, along with containers of sugar and honey.
“Ceylon, what would I ever do without you?” I mutter as I go about shuffling papers, making sure there is enough room. An inkwell tumbles off the desk and shatters on floor, splotching ink everywhere.
She wraps up the spilled ink and glass shards in her magic, depositing it in a nearby waste bin. “Me? Oh please, Princess, I'm just doing my job.”
“Does your job require you to know exactly when I need a pot of tea to raise my spirits?” I ask with the creep of a smile. “Or understanding which blends to serve at certain parts of the day?”
Ceylon chuckles as she sets down the tray. “Well that's easy, Princess. You only drink one kind.”
“That's true,” I grin in return, “I am growing rather fond of Earl Grey.”
She nods. “That's a way of putting it. It seems we're down five pounds this week, and you're the only pony having it!”
“Ceylon!” I gasp in mock astonishment as I pour myself a cup.
“Jesting, Your Highness.” She smiles as she does a small curtsy. “If there's nothing else you need, I'll be going. It seems you have your hooves full at the moment.”
“More than you know,” I remark as she exits through the door. Levitating a stack of papers, a quill, and an inkwell out from the wreckage, I take a sip as I read the first bill over.
I sigh as the liquid begins to warm me from the inside out. Tea had always been a favorite, but by the stars, somepony had hit the nail right on the head while I was gone. Whoever had the wonderful idea of adding bergamot oil to scale back the bitterness of black tea is a genius.
Focus, Luna, focus. You've just read half a page and registered not a single word.
-upon which the allotted funds shall be transferred to Trottingham Hotspur F.C. for the creation of a new stadium which will seat 61,391 occupants...
I can't do this.
The papers rattle as they smash and flutter along the floor.
This is all just so stupid. I praise my sister on all she's done while I was gone – on her own, no less – but I find I am no more than a glorified stamp now. I'm stuck in my room, chained to stacks of paper while the rest of the world buzzes around me. I sit, I hum, I sigh, and I feel as if I'm less equine than before. Nightmare Moon may have well left me to rot on that hunk of rock.
Ugh.
...Besides, no Chelsneigh fan would sign that bill.
From the clutter of the desk I levitate a blue and white scarf, made from soft wool with the club's crest adorned at each end. Twilight got me it almost a year back, after she took me to see a hoofball match. A wonderful new sport, I must add, much more engaging than jousting or wrestling. Very tactical and easy to pick up, not to mention that watching it is an event all in its own. The chanting, the singing, the cheering, it makes a pony feel accepted and welcomed.
Ah, but I'm rambling now. I press the scarf up to my face and exhale, letting my shoulders fall. If there's anypony keeping me sane, it's her; it's Twilight. I still cannot understand how she does it, but her organizational skills manage to clear up pockets of time when I need it most. A few hours in the garden, a night at the theatre, albeit under magical guise, and yes, a saturday morning hoofball match; they all pop into existence amongst the needs of Equestria.
She draws the line for me, between necessities that rot and delights that sustain. I look down at my teacup. Well, mostly. There are a few delights I can still pick out myself, but they're not enough.
At first, I felt ashamed to lean on somepony so heavily. I have five thousand years of conscious experience on my hooves, I should be wise enough to carry my own woes and fashion them into gems of happiness and well-being, right? Isn't that how those stories work? The old stallion finds the good in everything, and in his grueling, dreary efforts he wholeheartedly enjoys the trickle-down happiness of his misery.
But I can't. I can't isolate my sensations to admit only glimmers of joy from a thin stream of logic. I find myself feeling too much, taking everything I come across with some sort of emotional backlash. Rough waves pound against my mind, not the lull of a lazy current, and it's when I feel like I'm drowning do I realize I need her.
Like Ceylon, she always seems to appear when I need her most, and furthermore, she appears to know what I need most. It's a walk in the garden when I need to breathe, it's ninety minutes at Stampede Bridge when I need to yell, scream, or laugh, it's a tragedy at Harnessey Hall when I need to cry. I don't know how she does it.
I take the scarf away from my face and wrap it around my neck. The fireplace might make the room warm, but it's not cozy. As much as I'd like to lie back on my bed, stretch out, and get comfortable, I have to work. The scarf will do.
I levitate the previous bill up from the floor and pull out my quill, scribbling away signatures wherever I must. My existence for the next five hours is starting to look bleak, but for a pony like me I guess I can't hope for much better.
-~-
“Good evening, sister.”
I look up from my papers. Celestia is standing before me, waiting on the other side of the desk and drinking from one of my teacups. Also, evening? Has it really been that long?
I put my quill back and rub my eyes. “Good evening,” I reply with a yawn. “Is something the matter, Celly?”
Sitting down, my sister shrugs. “I don't know, is there?”
Chills race down my spine and settle in my gut. “What do you mean?” I ask, trying to keep up a facade. I know it's not perfect and Celestia does too. I was never as good as her, and I never will be.
“Luna,” Celestia sighs. She lets her face fall, the plastic sheen from a day at court crumbling away. “You've hardly come out of your room in a week. I've only seen you at dinner on a hoofful of occasions, and barring Night Court, I'm not sure you talk to anypony besides the castle staff these days. What's the matter?”
I look away and grumble, “I've been busy.”
She pays my excuse no attention, looking at me almost as if I were a statue or a gravestone. “I want to know because, well, we're starting to get worried.”
I look up at her, holding her gaze with the tilt of my head.
“Yes, not just me, Twilight is concerned too.” Celestia looks to the ground, shaking her head. “I- I don't know what's going on between you two-”
Blood roars in my ears, and my cheeks flush. My jaw drops further open as I fail to repress a shudder. We're friends. In an effort to compose myself, I shoot my sister the hardest leer I can summon.
“-but I can tell that she cares, Luna.” My glare is deflected as she doesn't even bother to look at me. “And I do too. I know we don't get as much time to talk nowadays, but I still miss it. I miss your laughter, your dry, sarcastic jokes, your wonderfully creative ideas, no matter how crazy they seem.” She tries to smile but it only lasts a moment as she pauses. “I don't know where it's gone. I don't understand, I just can't figure out why, why you-” She closes her eyes and exhales.
After a moment and a half of silence, Celestia glances back up at me. “I miss you, sister.”
Ouch.
“I've been busy,” I mutter, echoing myself. I'm at a loss of anything substantial to say, because, well... I'm busy. I have work to do. I really wish I didn't, but I do, and that's that. I try really hard to get caught up and clear up some time, but I can't. I'm a ruler of Equestria and I have a duty to my ponies to look out for them, to make sure nopony tries to do them wrong. Can't you see, sister? I just want to look after my little ponies. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, again.
“Luna, I understand you take your duties very seriously, which I admire, but all this extra work isn't necessary.”
Isn't necessary? Of course it's necessary!
Celestia lifts up a stack of papers, flipping through it. “Look at all of this. Every municipal bill from the province of Haliflanks, down to the town level, from the past month. Luna, you don't need to do this,” she pleads.
“I do!” I protest, trying to tug back the tower of paperwork.
Celestia's grip holds like steel, and the look she gives me does the same. “No, you don't. Luna, there's a system in place to handle this. Town boards, governors, provincial senates, they were all designed to avoid-” she waves her hoof in my general direction, “-this.”
She doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. I'm the upstanding pony here, I'm the one who should be praised, not burden with guilt and ill-feeling. I am working day and night to make things better, to repair the damage, and for my efforts all I'm getting is a lecture.
“This,” I slam my hoof down on the desk, my crown jumping from the mess and clattering along the floor, “is the only way I can ensure Equestrians aren't taken advantage of.” I'm standing up now, and my legs are trembling. “I'm just doing what I can to help as many ponies as possible.”
“And are you sure this is helping?” Celestia counters, her voice rising. “Do you know for certain that all your misery is for the best?” She takes the packet that, until recently, had been my pillow. “Let's have a look, shall we?” She begins skimming through.
“What are you doing?” I cry. “I know perfectly well-”
“This is an appropriation of yearly cultural enrichment grants towards the expansion of a hoofball stadium, correct?” Celestia continues, reading straight from the abstract, her tone dropping into the hum of analysis and quantitative thinking, “Thirty million bits is to be used to subsidize the stadium's additional construction, which will employ nearly five hundred ponies for ten months, as well as purchase materials from domestic companies. Furthermore-”
“Stop this at once!”
“Furthermore,” Celestia's voice roars, “projections determine that due to the increase of 25,151 seats, club membership will rise by 35 percent, and the board intends to reserve 7,000 seats for a family section to allow younger fans to enjoy the matches without the banter and loud atmosphere of other areas. Lastly, with the higher capacity allowing more ponies to convene for match days, it is projected that nearby businesses will earn an additional, if modest, six million bits per year.”
I stand there, my mind reeling from Celestia's emotional outlash. An uncomfortable, bothersome feeling comes over me, as if I've been embarrassed, guilted, and mocked all at once. I shouldn't be. I'm still doing the right thing. I'm working my hooves to the bone, and I'm sure my efforts aren't in vain. Celestia's just-
“Now,” the smack of an inch of paper on the desk accents Celestia's renewed assault, “I don't know one single thing about hoofball, but I'm damn sure that this fits under 'cultural enrichment'.”
Celestia swore. Celestia never swears. Ever.
“Look,” she presses on. “This has passed straight through Trottingham's senate, as well as its governor.” She flips through, holding it in front of my face. Part of me wants to stuff it down her throat, but all I can do is stand and stare. “Then why, in the name of Tartarus, is it getting sent to you?”
“Under Equestrian Law,” I begin after seconds of silence, offering a tall-sounding but feeble resistance, “federal requests down to the town level still require my signature. There was new legislature that relinquished town and provincial proposals from our oversight, requiring only a governor's approval, but I started requiring all towns and provinces to continue sending their requests-”
“What?” Celestia fumed. “Why? Why would that ever sound like a plausible idea? Do you understand how much you've backed up not only Equestria's mail service, but the kingdom as well?”
I bite my lip. It hurts, but not as much as the slap across the face I'm getting. “Yes. But I felt it was the only way to ensure everypony gets treated fairly.”
“Fairly?” Celestia shakes her head. “Take a look, right here.” She puts the packet in front of me again, flipping to the final page. “Right here, you deny authorization for this plan to go forward. Why? Tell me.”
“...Because I didn't think it was an appropriate use of Equestria's funds,” I answer. I feel myself starting to slink back, but I can't stop. Celestia is nearly leaning over the desk, her face tinted pink.
“Because you didn't think,” Celestia repeats, placing emphasis on the last word. “Tell me, when was the last time you visited Trottingham? In fact, where have you been besides Canterlot and Ponyville in the last three years?”
The room stops silent, and I don't even bother to formulate a response. It's taking every ounce of willpower I have to remain upright.
“I thought so. And still, you think you have license to decide the fate for millions of ponies, even though you have no clue how they live their lives. Is that it?” Celestia pulls down on her mane with her forehooves, shaking her head for the umpteenth time. “Why are you doing this Luna? What dark sorcery convinced you to do this?” Her voice drops to something softer, her stalwart intuition shining through, “What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to prove wrong?”
Sniffling, I can feel the first tears beginning to roll down my cheeks, burning red hot trails from my eyes. My mind fogs up, my heart begins to pound, and my vision blurs.
“Myself,” I utter, defeated and devastated.
Celestia's eyes light up in an instant of understanding, and then her whole posture slumps. She backs off, away from the desk, and seeks to go around it. “Lulu,” she coos my nickname, “I'm- I'm sorry.”
I backpedal, wanting nothing to do with her. “Stop,” I manage, “go away.”
She winces, my dagger of words stabbing right through her. “I- I really am sorry, Luna,” she tries again. “I should have realized sooner.”
“I mean it.” My voice rises, and she shies away. My conscience is being torn up, but I'm also met with instant gratification. “Get out.”
Her expression clearly in anguish, Celestia tries one last attempt. “Please, Luna, please don't do this. You're my sister and I- I love you, I was just trying to make sure you were okay.”
“Leave!” I scream. “Get out and leave me alone!” I watch as she sags further to the floor. “I don't need you or anypony else!” Another line bubbles into my conscious. Alarm bells activate in my mind, but my emotions deafen me to their ringing. “I spent a thousand years without you already, I don't think an extra century would be too hard!”
If Celestia's heart was the sun, it seems to have frozen over in that moment.
The ever-present light in her pupils snuff out. Her rump hits the floor as her hindlegs give up. Everything I associate with my sister crumbles to dust as her chin trembles, her essence bereft of confidence and spirit, while her mane falls onto her shoulders.
She doesn't even have the strength to keep up her tiny, little spell. My brief taste of victory comes crashing down to the ground. What have I done?
From her choked sob, I can see the glimmers beginning to trace from her eyes. Pain of the highest degree is displayed brightly across her face, remaining speechless as her mind begins to reboot. Her sobbing intensifies, her lips warped down, tears continuing to fall as she expects another barrage.
But it never comes. I remained rooted to my throne of knives, unable to leave and unable to move. We standoff for a moment more, but nothing happens. Celestia is just sitting there, crying, and I won't do a thing.
Whirling around, she gets up from the floor and trots away. I may not know her as well as she knows me, but if it weren't for the castle staff, she'd be galloping at full pace. She closes the door behind her softly, so as not to disturb anypony.
I sit, and I feel nothing. Empty, hollow, void of light, my mind register nothing. My line of sight dims around its center, tunnel vision honing in on the doors she left through. I stare for so long my eyes begin to burn, but I can't look away. All I can do is hope and pray she comes back.
I didn't mean it, I swear.
I just wanted to be... to be helpful. I was trying my best, I put all my efforts into this, and- and...
When you proved to me I wasn't doing anything right, I got mad. At myself, I mean, not you. I just felt so stupid and utterly incompetent, that I was, well...
A failure.
I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
I blink.
Fresh tears stain the carpet below as I slowly rouse my fragile form into action. Energy evacuates my system as I near the bed.
I'm sorry.
-~-
Thud thud thud thud thud.
“Luna! I know you're in there!”
I feel sickly hot, my blankets damp with sweat. I groan, with a horrid taste in my mouth and my throat sore.
Thud thud thud.
“Luna, open up!”
A quick pulse of magic undoes the lock's tumblers, and the heavy ebony door creaks open. I lie in bed, eyes closed, completely sapped.
Hooves trot across the room. “Luna! Get up! What did you do?”
“Go away, Twilight,” I mumble, pushing my face back into the pillows.
“Really? Are you kidding me?” Cool air washes over my torso as I'm hoisted upright against the headboard. “Celestia is utterly inconsolable in her room right now-” my ears flatten against my head “-mumbling on about how she's failed and that you hate her.”
I crack open my eyes. Twilight is glaring down at me, irises ablaze. Her horn is flared, splashing light across the room.
“I want you to tell me what you said to her,” she continued. “Now.”
I try to fight her, but I'm losing fast. Her leer is hammering down on me like steel, crushing me into the floor. She's really, really angry with me, and that hurts almost as much as seeing Celestia break down. I... I don't want her to hate me.
“I- we got in an argument.” I mumble, looking away.
“Go on.”
“She came in and started pestering me about why I was in my room so much.” I glance back up to Twilight, but she remains silent. “When she found out what I was doing, we-” I can't find the right words. Eventually I muster a murmur, “She proved that I wasn't helping anypony.”
If there's anypony I can confide in this with, it's Twilight. Even with her fury towards me, there's no other pony than Celestia that I feel comfortable talking about feelings with. With a deep breath, I try my best to forget the churning ocean before me, and simply leap forward.
“I got so mad,” I continue, “and it wasn't with her.”
“Then- then who was it?” Twilights demands.
I look up to her. “Myself, of course. I was angry that I couldn't have done better, that no matter what I've done or what I'll do, I will ever be good enough.”
Twilight's scowl dies into a frown, but I can't stop the torrent now.
“I thought I knew what I was doing. I believed I was helping other ponies, standing up for them and, despite my physical exhaustion, I felt proud. Then, to hear that I'm only making things worse, I couldn't handle it.”
I hold her gaze. “I said some things I will never be able to take back, and I can feel the weight on my shoulders grow. What do I do now, Twilight? Of course, an apology is more than due, but after that, then what?
“What can I possibly salvage from my tatters of confidence? Is there anything for me here? Time and time again I've proved I'm incapable of success, and I'm beginning to tire. My efforts have constantly been reduced before my eyes, my ideas exhausted, and now I'm left wondering if I should even bother with anything at all. If it weren't for the fact I raise the moon each night, I'd be useless.”
Twilight sits down beside me, not a trace of anger left. “Don't say that, Luna,” she murmurs. “You've made a mistake, everypony does. All we can do is learn from them and continue on our way.”
I look to her. On any other day, she'd strike me as beautiful, but right now I can't be pressed for an answer, or even a feeling. “But there lies the problem, in that I never seem to learn. I keep making mistakes, over and over, with no end in sight. I just-” I sigh and close my eyes. It doesn't matter, really.
“You what?” Twilight pries.
“I want to be better. I want to do something right, and do it well. I want just a small bit of recognition for how hard I work, but mostly, I just want somepony to care.”
“I care,” Twilight whispers.
“I know, and I'm thankful for that, but I-”
“No, Luna, I care about you.” She places her hoof over mine, her voice still a whisper yet more intense than a billion suns. “I know the past few hours have been hard, and I can sympathize with the pain you're feeling, so if there's something, anything I can do,” her eyes search my face, “tell me. Whatever you need, from the smallest errand to the biggest idea, I will do whatever I can to help.”
“I don't know what to say,” I mutter. I can't comprehend the influx of feelings racing through my body, the coldest of self-loathing mixing with the warmest of love. Paralyzed, I stay still, leaning against the headboard.
“I can speak for the both of us,” Twilight offers, before she moves in and places a kiss on my lips. Then another, and another. All the while, I remain frozen, unsure of how to respond. I close my eyes, unsure of what to say, my mouth opening agape for words unheard.
Twilight kisses me again, and holds it this time, trying her best to revive my broken spirit. She wraps me in her hooves, hold me tight, and presses hard.
But there is no reply. I can't do a thing. She deserves somepony better. Somepony with more vitality, more spirit and joy. I'd be an anchor, a heavy suitcase with so much baggage that at any moment it could explode. I don't know what she sees in me, but she probably doesn't see it all.
Twilight wants this to work, I can tell, as she slumps into bed beside me. She brushes a hoof against my cheek, hugging me closer in vain. She strokes my hair, rubs my back, but all of her efforts come to nothing. I... I can't let her do this, as much as I may want to.
If I have to do something “right”, then this is it.
The pace of her kissing slows, until it is just her lips against mine, her chest rising and falling as the rest of the world stands still. We lie there as one, but so very far apart.
She nuzzles my cheek, sniffling before she asks, “Is there really nothing I can do?”
“No,” I croak, “there isn't.”
The blankets rustle and the weight beside me slowly shifts off the bed.
“O- okay. I... I hope you feel better soon.”
I open my eyes. The tears are there, streaking down her cheeks.
“Thank you,” I mumble as impassively as I can.
“Goodnight,” she finishes with the dip of her head. She trots out of the room, closing the door behind her.
I lie down, staring at the ceiling above. The room is enveloped in darkness, not that I wanted to see anything, anyway. Apathy begins its envelopment once again, shielding away the world. But a sliver holds firm, burning through into existence whether I like it or not.
“I'm sorry.”
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Well that was depressing. Very well done but depressing nonetheless.
That was sad. Like really sad
but I suppose self-hate can do that to a person.
Twilight will find a way. She has to.
Maybe this happens. As long as it's something to let Luna know she's worth it, that she matters, that she's forgiven...
Heavy stuff, H.
3911632
Aww, thanks! Sad stuff was very fun to write.
3911844
Yeah... I spent the last month working on this when I could, just trying to pick out the right words for when I needed them. I'm glad they paid off, it seems!
3911924
Mehhh I really fought with the idea of making this a two-parter, with the second chunk being the whole happy reunion thing, but ultimately I've let that go. Trust me, I badly wanted this to have a happy ending, but that would simply void the whole point. I'm glad the emotions really sunk their teeth into you, though. Sad, depressing potency, yay!
Now it's time to write about action and badassery and a bit of friendshipping!~
3912670 Well I'm glad you didn't give it a happy ending, would have been really cliched and boring.
Fair portrayal of angst and hurt. But alas, once again an immortal mind is underrated.
Both Celestia and Luna are portrayed a bit too emotional, while Twilight gives up too easily.
Very realistic hurdle for this relationship. Now it needs to be made up for.
So are we underlining word now?
3914276
This is a oneshot. I'm sorry but in this universe Twilight and Luna won't be together, as sad as that sounds.
And it's not that I'm underrating an immortal mind, I'm just presenting them as I prefer; gods that hurt and laugh and cry, rather than ones who watch and discuss and feel nothing. (Also this is an emotional story, so if they were to be less emotional, the intended effect would not have as great of a potency as it has now)
For Twilight, well, her kiss was a symbol, let's put it that way. When it was rejected, everything else fell out from under her. But that's only how I saw it; if you think she didn't give enough effort then that's a fair assessment.
3914356
Yes?
3914459
That's okay. I reject your reality and substitute it with my own. That's the beauty of fan fiction.
Yeah, right...
*follows, favorites, upvotes, and cries*
Oh wow... There are no words, man. No words to describe the emotion. You are truly a master....
Too many periods, CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A SEQUEL WITH BACKLASH?!?!?!?
What's that? You think you're worthless? Of course; there's no point to trying any more and you may as well just give in and take your death without any real struggle. What kind of princess are you?!
You've lived for how many years now? Through blood and tears you've come this far, taking down obstacles others said you'd never be able to beat. Now, after all that, you want to give up? You've still got so much left to accomplish. Just because you've had one or two bad days doesn't mean that everything's over. Learn to pony up!
Sure, things seem bleak. But that's no reason to give up. You'll hit the ground time and time again, but all you need to do is keep getting up and you'll eventually win. I don't know about you, but I could never live with myself sitting around asking "what if" or blaming others for why certain things didn't happen.
So you know what? Change all of that. Get your ass in gear, and save the goddamned world if you need to. I'd like to know what's stopping you from doing it. C'mon, give me a reason.
Yourself?
Hah, that's it? I'll tell you what you can do to fix that.
Grit those teeth!
3923517
That was beautiful. Words cannot express- I just want to give you a big hug. C'mere, you!
3921739
In another world, maybe. Don't hate me too much D;
3919596
Aww, thanks! I certainly am no master, but I sure hope to be there someday! I'm sorry that there won't be any sequel, but if you want, my anthology Tidbits of Mast and Sail has some adorbs TwiLuna in it. :3
3925320 I'm not hating you^^ lol^^
3925320
Sure, why not?
*accepts hug*
Had to come back to this one. I was re-reading the FiMFiction TwiLuna collection; this one wasn't in any groups at all, so I missed it in the first few passes.
feel
And I still choose to believe there's hope.
4067264
Fix'd!
Also, should I add my stories to groups?
4077180
Dear heavens, yes! Twilight, Luna, TwiLuna, Twilunestiance, Shipping, Fillyfoolers, anything remotely close. Like I said, this one wasn't in any groups, and I forgot having read it. Searching Romance + Luna + Twilight gets a bazillion unrelated (and mostly unreadable) stories that I'm not wading through. I'd never have found this one again if I hadn't gone looking through your back catalog when you mentioned writing an epilogue for Restraint.
>twiluna i haven't read
HOT DIGGEDY
Very powerful piece. The characters struck me as off, though, but the story was still quite beautiful. Nicely done.
Also, you appeared to have followed me. You odd person. (Thank you.)
4078748
Thanks! I do take a few – or as I've been told, a lot of – liberties to get the message across in my stuff. However, I'm curious, what struck you as off? I should be nailing down their personas after all this time.
(If you can name any, of course. I'm the king of being unable to explain why I feel a certain way, so it's completely fine if you can't.)
And you're welcome! I think I've read some of your stories before, so I had this epiphany where I was like, "Oh, I know who this guy is!" ...So, yeah, I followed you. :P
4078782
I know that feel bro.
And, really, I think Celestia was too quick to anger – that was what struck out to me the most. It's understandable, but it bothered me ever so slightly. Also, Twilight seemed to give up quite quickly. I dunno. I was loving it from start to end, but I remember thinking, "wait... that's it?" just before the curtains were drawn.
And I'm surprised and flattered that you'd recognise me – I assume it was through a comment on your other story, or you read my one TwiLuna fic?
We TwiLuna fans ought to stick together.
3915087
There where you wrong.
The Forver-liveing would be more emotional than you ever be.
Why because One bottled the emtions can damge thousand.
Bottleing up cause only beget more hurt than good.
Self-control is good but never chain yourself
4078895
Except that immortals have different thought processes.
Otherwise they'd go crazy after just 200 years, instead of millennia...
This story still gives me the creeps... It's too depressing for me, as I am an optimist.
4078820
Hmm, I'll give it a look over and see what's up. You're probably right about Celestia, because her part took me awhile and when I deliberate I lose my train of thought. Then things get messy.
I honestly can't remember where I know you from. But I know I know you, and I know you like TwiLuna, and that's good enough in my book. :3
Also, I feel like there's this huge friend-circle of TwiLuna fans out there, and they all know each other and help each other out, but I'm in the dark and I know nothing.
4078905
Really...
See there i'm having problem wiht you,
Who said this you,
It circular argument..
You said"immortals x this because i said so that why Immortals this way"
In reality, You are say mere speculation than turth,
You see which more likely someone able think without EVER get there way or Deal like any-other person would.
No-matter long live really, Base-line is still the same.
Do really you be so different if lived as long as their did.
4078924
I feel the same way. Think the TwiLuna guys have split up somewhat before my time, though. There are a few TwiLuna group forum regulars, but other than that we're a dying breed.
4078927
Hey, play nice. We all have our own opinions and such, but let's respect other people's views as well.
4078905
I'm not much of a fan of sad stories either, I always want a happy ending and all. But sometimes I'm in the mood to write blue.
4079001
I'm nice,
But he say is clearly illogical. then again logic is cold right.
But I rather have coldness of logic than madness and heat of emotion
Do feel there hostility in my words
4079026
No, I don't think you're being hostile, but I'm just making sure so nobody gets testy. Why would his opinion be illogical? Immortality is something we ourselves don't know, so how do we accurately know the ongoings of the undying? I'm not saying he's right, nor am I saying he's wrong. Merely, you both have valid points and that either viewpoint is credible.
4078994
A dying breed? *Gasp* Never! I will pump out the most heart-melting, adorable TwiLuna fics I can if I have to. I will have Twilight wear Luna's crown, Luna shall bumble awkwardly at Twilight's doorstep, Twilight will try to ask Luna out while reading lines from index cards, I will pull any tricks I must to convert followers if I have to.
But I definitely do feel as if I'm late to the party... Well, more like I didn't join in early enough. I know perhaps five or six TwiLuna people, and I really only talk often with one, my proofreader. Time to go on a social crusade and unite all us TwiLuna hermits or something.
4078994
4079189
There are some diehards out there still, certainly. What's missing are the legions of very active, very vocal fans for whom TwiLuna is the highest and supreme OTP to rule them all *. Many of the legendary TwiLuna stories (Within and Without, Apotheosis, Aurora) are over and done, and were one-shots for authors who had and have other interests. There are a few ongoing epic stories (Sharing the Night, Cry for Eternity, Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying, Apoptosis) which update infrequently. The heady days of constant TwiLuna releases are past us, at least until we get another 22 minutes of shipping fuel like Luna Eclipsed.
If you need a pat on the TwiLuna back, though, the groups are still the best place to find fellow Moonbutters.
* And in the darkness bind them, which I always thought would be a great line to have the officiant speak at the close of their wedding ceremony. Note to self: revise Luna's Librarian to include that line!
4079979
Oh right. I joined TwiLuna, I should probably be a little more active there. (4078994, that's where I remember you from! You did that contest and I told myself "Josh, you are going to do this." But then I forgot. Sorreh 3: Is there any plans for another? I'd love to join in.) You're right though, a lot of the big TwiLuna stories are updating infrequently. Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying and Cry for Eternity hardly ever update, which makes me sad. I should stop being sad. I should use my sadness to be more productive, and write, and thus not be a sad hypocrite. xP
Also, if you have time, could you shoot me a PM of some hidden TwiLuna gems you've found? I've been dredging around lately and it's getting me nowhere.
4080163
Gladly! I just wrapped up several dozen mini-reviews which I planned to turn into a few blog posts. I'll shoot you the best of them.
4080163 Take a look at my story... I've used some interesting ideas...
4080163
More contests? Sure. I'll have to remember to do that at some point.
4080275
Twiluna gems? Eeeeeee! Will be waiting for that blog post.
4080768
Stargazers? Some really cute moments with a very interesting premise on the protection spell Celestia cast over Luna before her banishment. I read it and gave it a thumbs up, but it looks like you changed it back to Incomplete added a lot more material. I'll have to give it a re-read!
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
Lovely and sad. Poor Luna.
I hope someday you decide to do a follow up to this.
Not sure what I really think about this. I liked it and I it thought was pretty good and I do like these self-realization stories. But Luna really comes off the wrong way. Even though she tries and wants to do right and she knows what to do right, even she doesn't do it anyway... the ending came off really bad to me at least, it seemed really forced that it had to be a bad end no matter what. Even though the ending didn't make too much sense. But I guess there do exist people like that, that just wants to not be helped even though they want to be helped, which doesn't make much logical sense...
4419330
I mean, an emotionally distraught, spiritually depressed person will be hard-pressed to make a logical decision, but whatever. I guess it was more of a "you had to be there" kind of thing... Or something.
4423408
Well, I think it didn't come off too well, but then again, I've never really suffered from a depression or such an extreme degree of self-loathing, so maybe I'm just ignorant on the topic. But I don't really feel that this story ended very well, like I said before; it felt way to forced for no other reason then for it to have a bad end, no matter what.
4444804
I don't think this comment ended well. It felt forced to have an ending where you were right, no matter what.
I don't know if you see the irony of admitting that you're ignorant of something and then immediately giving in to the urge to spout an opinion.
You should, though, and you should probably be a bit embarrassed about it.
4476004
Wow... this comment is fucking idiotic... unlike you I have a minor degree in Psychology, so... fuck off? Also, when did "maybe" become "with 100% guarantee"? Clearly you don't understand how Psychology works, even on the most basic of level. Troll harder, child.
Very well written, but I can't thumb up. Way too OOC of Luna to be so apathetic...kloveyoubye
!
4476772
I'm sorry, that was petty of me.
I was attempting to be flippant and reuse the structure of your post. My critique, concern, whatever you'd like to call it, remains valid. I'm not sure how exactly you can support the position that the ending was forced.
By support, I mean cite specific sections of the text that you feel back up your position, and expound upon why you feel that the null hypothesis, that the ending was in fact not forced, is incorrect.
Since you have a minor in something, I feel comfortable making an educated guess (pun only very slightly intended) that you should be entirely capable of some journeyman level literary analysis.
I don't see any need to insult your intelligence, and I should like to think that I've given you no reason to insult mine. This is my sincere attempt to engage you in conversation about the work itself, and not in any way an exchange of blows.
4479855
Eh? I did... forced as in "it felt like it had to have a sad end no matter what, even if it didn't make too much sense" and then I just added the "maybe I'm just ignorant on the self-loathing area" because it's not an area that I've covered in my studies of psychology. Mine have been more in the areas of human perception and manipulation. Even though I know a fair deal about psychology, I still find it odd that such strong emotions can cause self-harm like Luna is displaying in this story, it seems a little unfounded and way to forced in my opinion (I'm not too good at justifying my opinions), but like said; even though I know it's a thing, I'm still having a hard time really following the thought, but that be because I've Aspergers which makes me emotional and socially retarded. Sorry if I came across as an ass, but you sounded like an ass and I flip tables 24/7.
Luna, you must scale back.
You don't know how to be a princess, currently. You don't know how to help ponies. Your intentions are best, but your skills are lacking. A thousand years tore a huge gap which you can't close right away. You must relearn everything from ground up.
I believe, that for one with such dedication, such limitless good will, you can be a wonderful princess one day. But before you get there, you have to learn more about those you are to serve. And how to learn that better than helping them?
No, not through huge administrative decisions, through ruling them right away. Start small. Help a pony chop some wood. Help some pony plow a field. Cheer up a foal who bruised its leg. Pull the wagon of an elderly trader. Wander the country and help wherever you see help is needed.
Once you have a firm grip on the smallest, immediate, momentary help for the littlest ones, once you can light small sparks of hope, no matter how short-lived, move up. Write a lullaby for foals across the country to cherish. Drive monsters away, to make a town safe and prosperous. Help building a dam, that will keep a settlement safe for centuries to come. Things that last, little things that spread wide and affect many. Sustained flame of hope, that lives on and gives warmth to wanderers who come.
And then scale up again. Start a helpful organization, that will grow under your guidance. Aid growth of a city, so that its prosperity will propel itself. Import good plants that grown, will improve farming across the land. Inspire a movement of kindness and friendship. Plant seeds of kindness that will be capable of growing by themselves, acts of good will which will grow mighty, all by themself, with little or no guidance from you. Learn to start wildfires - sparks that grow and spread across the nation, helping more and faster than one single pony, no matter how mighty and wise never could.
And when you'll learn to truly help ponies - not by micromanaging, overseeing every little detail, but by learning the little nudges that will make Equestria flourish - when you learn to inspire and guide instead of ruling and deciding - then you will be the princess given endless love - and all of it deserved. And you will be worth love of every pony of Equestria. Including Twilight.
But for now, before you start giving first, smallest sparks of joy away - seal up the wounds you caused. Go to Celestia, go to Twilight, and no matter how much unworthy of it you may feel, ask Twilight for help!
As someone who's experienced depression, Luna's behavior in this story is strikingly familiar. Self-hate clouds everything about yourself and about others.
I do wonder, though--what about a character who really hasn't accomplished anything, or who actually hasn't done anything right? A character who has genuinely ruined everything they've tried and has not managed a single productive act--a character who's only "successes" come when other characters step in to clean up or fix what they tried to start. Almost every time you see this theme, there's an underlying understanding that the depressed one is wrong, and when it is followed through to the end other characters show the depressed how wonderful they really are.
But what about when they aren't? What a character who can only provide something that isn't needed? A character who offers a service that another character handles just as well? What if they contribute nothing to the world that actually in any way requires them--if all they can do is something that someone else could do just as easily, or do so better than them? What does someone who has real, legitimate reasons behind this emotional agony do when it can't be solved by another character showing them all the good they've accomplished?
I've never seen this handled in a story. Even tragedies have the implication that the character is severely understating their value, but are never approached without that. The value of a sentient life can't be weighed in measured against each other based on any skill, trait, talent, or contribution... but self-value can. In a world full of the successful, what does the failure do when they cannot succeed?
5015212
As someone who's dealt with and will likely continue to intermittently deal with this, I would argue that what you're describing is a "weight" that comes with it all. Esteem and self-worth hits are as likely to happen as rain falling during a thunderstorm.
Perhaps it isn't revealed in life quite as it is in the stories most tell. There isn't always some passionate friend or partner that goes above and beyond to hammer through their self-worth. For the sake of stories, it's a simple and convenient vehicle to deliver a truth.
Humans wouldn't be lauded by poets, drive dictators mad, confuse psychologists, and surprise the philosophers if we weren't so damn unpredictable. As corny as it sounds we really are unique as snowflakes, and for better or worse, that makes sentient life a challenge. Yet, it also means that each and every person does, in fact, have something to bring to the table. Perhaps not all of them have figured it out, but one day they'll find it.
It's never "one thing", never "one service" that a person can provide to those around him or her. It's a culmination of their greatest assets and their tiniest nuances that make up what a person "is" and the spectrum of what they can provide. That is a fact, and that they can, undoubtedly, provide something to this world is, again, a fact.
This self-worth destruction, the feeling that one can't do anything right, is common. Their somber mind alters their memories to pick out the gizzard among the meat, the chaff from the fruyt, the sediment from the gold. If "success" within a specific skill or skillset is a barometer for "worth", it would be neglecting what other qualities of using that skill offers. For instance, I am far, far away from being the best writer in the world. I will most likely never come close. Yet, I can derive pleasure, happiness, and wonder from it because I enjoy it, because it's an outlet which hauled me out of my first, years-long ride through the carousel.
It's this malicious, exacting comparison of one's ability to others that we use when depressed to confirm our self-hate. The very fact we do this so much more malignantly and obsessively than others is what makes depression the crushing weight that it is. It ignores that we are as diverse as the universe, and hones in on simple, easy categories. "I cannot run as fast as him," "I can't talk as well as her." We never say, "I can't listen, bike, play piano, cook, fight, be as caring, be as considerate, be as thoughtful, be as creative, and be as industrious as him." We don't look at the full picture, because, often, we have trouble seeing the full picture of ourselves.
Therefore, should I write about this character, I would focus on them, through a series of understandings, slowly piece together who they truly are. Perhaps it isn't as wonderfully great as a passionate friend might play them to be, but with a level head, they can realize where they fit in this world. It would be a long story, fighting over months or years, but it undoubtedly can happen.