• Member Since 4th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 16th, 2016

TwilightTheAlicorn


I am a writer, an aritist, an aspiring voice actor, and a Christian.

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We've always thought Twilight was originally a unicorn, but what if she's something bigger, bigger even than the heavenly Princesses themselves?
This series explores the existence of Twilight, Luna, and Celestia.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 12 )

Problems:
1. Make it clear from the beginning Crystal Heart is an alicorn, I didn't know until a third of the way through and it was confusing.
2. Make it clear what happened to Cadence. You said Celestia picked her up with magic, then Crystal Heart starts screaming. It's unclear what Celestia did and why Crystal Heart is screaming.
3. You switch between old style talking with Thou's and modern with You's. I'm not sure if you are doing it correctly or are messing up, but it looks better if you go to more extremes with the old style or you leave it out altogether, just say Celestia edited her diary to make it more modern.
4. Crystal Heart apparently created the Crystal Heart out of her tears, but then how would the Crystal Ponies know how to work it?

By the way, you should probably switch the Cadence tag with the Discord tag because Discord should play an easily equal, if not greater, role in events. And Discord is more popular. And if Discord is not in this then this story has failed as a history of Equestria. Also, Discord should be more powerful than Celestia because Chaos is a primal force. Like comparing wind to a camp fire. (Celestia's the camp fire)

ohhhhh~, interesting! I'll keep an eye on this. Also, relevant video.

4029785 Crystal Heart is a Pegasus, as seen here:
http://twilightsparkle2013.deviantart.com/art/Demise-of-Queen-Crystal-Heart-438018624
2) Crystal Heart never saw Cadance in Celestia's magic, therefore kind of forgot about her in her haste to get away to the safe room, and then remembered.
3) Thou was the informal way of saying you, and this was the time when, at least in my mind, they were just deciding to stick to you, but you can't exactly erase the way you say things in a day, so they use both.
4) Celestia is the sun, Luna is the moon, therefore, they have knowledge of powerful magic, and can see what magic a pony, or in this case, a crystal thingy, can harness. After her death, they told the ponies what to do, you just don't see it happening, because, from Celestia's point of view, that's not as important as her friend's death.
Afternote(That's totally a word...)I'm not switching them. Discord is in this, I'm just not sure how yet. The writers of the show don't exactly make clear when and how he came into power, so we have zero idea when. We don't know if it was before or after the founding of Equestria, and even the Season 4 openers, we can only vaguely guess. As for your campfire allusion, the sun is a primal force. For what reason, I have no clue. It's my story, my mind made it up. My head is a weird place where many different creatures co-exist. They are equals in power. The two reasons I'm not switching the tags is because I don't care if Discord is more popular or not, because Chrysalis is best villain, and Discord and Celestia are equals in power. Not in the grand scheme of things, but they are equal in power.
Thank you for your time in pointing out my flaws.

4033287 Okay. I can respect if you don't want to retcon and your reasons for not wanting a Discord tag, but try to make things more clear in the future. The very fact you have to explain in the comments is a bad thing. Either do put the unclear stuff in the book itself, or do some world-building blogs for the stuff that's needed information but just doesn't fit. Because while it makes sense in your head, most readers default to their own headcanon or stay confused and cannot access your brain.

4035161 I realize that you are trying to help me, but there are some things I want people to create for themselves. Such as the Crystal Empire's origins. I only wish to make clear things that are very definitive for the universe the show has given us.

i like this story like this story is there going to be more???

4517726 You don't know how much better you just made my day!:pinkiehappy: To answer your question, yes, there will be more. I'm writing chapter 3 as we speak, and will be updating all of my stories more often now that I actually have some time. Thanks for making my week!:twilightsmile:

4523430 no thank you for posting it in the first place

4523591 :twilightsmile: Thanks! I'm truly glad you love it so much! I think you'll be very happy to know that thanks to you, I'm almost done with the next chapter!

o yeah o yeah!!! the rise of Equestria!!!

lamento no escribir en ingles (además de que mi ingles es pésimo :P ) pero estoy emocionado de encontrar esta historia , yo también me tope con FOE me desgarra el alma y también estoy haciendo un fic que se llamara "the rise of the fallen kingdom" que será sobre como la revolución comienza contra los caribú. en si la idea principian y trama están casi completos solo me hace falta pulirla.

sabes no he leído tu historia pero lo are y veo que tuviste una idea con respecto a los collares que el rey sombra uso , yo también tengo una sobre eso collares :3
thank you!!!!!!
thank you!!!!!!
thank you!!!!!!
thank you for writing this history

perdona a mi amigo Abaddon esta medio zafado del coco, pero igual también estoy entusiasmado de que alguien mas este en contra de FOE , estoy reuniendo un grupo de escritores para hacer probablemente el mejor fic en contra de un universo de fics, Abaddon ya hizo casi toda la historia central así que no será tan difícil retocarla y mejorarla

sorry por escribir en español pero es que no se ingles XP

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