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After watching her library torn apart in a search for inspiration, Twilight Sparkle fools and kicks out the Cutie Mark Crusaders. A sinister plot is born right outside her door; a plot that will try to turn her closest friends against her. The crusaders will not stop until they have righted the wrong done to them!
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I'll be the first to comment and say that I would like to hear the rest of this.
Twilight has no idea of the horror she's unleashed.
love this
need moar
I personally like Sweetie Belle's idea more.
Three fillies. On a quest for destiny, their trust is betrayed. As the rules of nature would have it, they will have... their revengence.
Remind me never to do what Twilight just did.
Pinkie Pie!
What's so funny about getting under Twilight's skin? You're better then that!
For Great Justice...
That sounds familiar.
*looks at his WoW account*
I KNEW IT! ACHIEVEMENT!
Did you do this on purpose?
3917521 Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, actually
The CMC have dug their own graves. They're so going to get busted. Do they seriously think this will work?
3918508 Of course not. All they see is 'We get back at twilight!' they do NOT see every other effect that will happen, such as mass murder, a few nuclear launches being detected, and angry sisters.
Oh oh....
Is there going to be a sequel?
And in typical sitcom fashion when Twilight finds out the truth she screams the names of the CMC at the top of her lungs.
3922163 Not anytime soon.
I'm thrilled at the reception this story has gotten, though. Thank you all for reading it.
I... what? Just... what? You're just going to end it there? The conflict is still going, Twilight is about to figure out that something is wrong, and you just... end it? Full stop, no more going forward, everything past this point is denied?
3925612 I kinda saw this story as an episode of the show when I was writting it. A letter to Celestia usually marks the end of an episode, so I just flipped it around with a letter from Celestia.
The crusaders got what they wanted from the start. They got the book Scootaloo found, Twilight got blindsided right in front of them, and they got away with it. Spike was even fooled by the writing, so Twilight wouldn't really know what to think.
I'm having to explain this in a comment though, so...yeah I could have done better in the story.
Thanks for the criticism.
3926228 It's just. As you said, all that happens... and then? That's half the story. They got the book, now what? Twilight and spike find something fishy, now what? It's like.... Lord of the Rings ending when the ring falls into the Lava. It falls in, BAM the end.
It just... doesn't feel like an ending, it feels suddenly cut short.
Edit: To add on, what about Scootaloo being all,
It makes it seem like in the end they would be caught and stuff, but the punishment not being as bad. But then, nothing happens. That whole part could probably be cut out and no one would notice o.O
Also in the description:
They don't turn her closest friends on her, nor even right the wrong she did. The wrong was they got kicked out of the library, not that she wouldn't give them a gift she was giving to her brother and sister-in-law. They were all about getting back at her. Then in the end, they just.... get the book, which she shouldn't even have given up since it was meant for her brother and wasn't a library book!, technically already 'checked out' even if it was.
It just... seems so unfinished o,O
What noodle incident?
1) Sorry, but under the circumstances (and as a former library assistant), I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with Twilight on this one, both due to the amount of damage the library saw and due to the idea that the particular volume in question is not, in fact, part of the library's circulating works, nor even a reference volume, but a personal book that simply happens to belong to the librarian at the moment.
2) I recognize it's for the humor factor, but there's something profoundly disturbing about Sweetie Belle being the one to channel Conan the Barbarian during that discussion...
"'A good prank is unexpected,' Scootaloo said."
But they've now been with all five of Twilight's closest friends, at least three of whom will probably end up attempting to warn Twilight something's coming. Even if she doesn't know what it is, doesn't the fact Milady Checklist knows something is coming mean she's unlikely to be taken unaware?
Not sure exactly what you were going for, but I'm afraid in my case you didn't hit it.
You've got this labeled as a comedy, and yes, it was amusing. I think, however, that you've got a very different view of what's happening than the story itself does.
The CMC are the protagonists. They are not, however, the heroes of the tale - from their initial appearance on, they serve as, if not 'Villain Protagonists', at least 'Annoyance Protagonists'. The other chapters seem to recognize this; the humor is from the various methods in which the trio try, and fail, to achieve their goal. In this chapter, that... didn't happen.
The story seems to be going into a true resolution, with the Crusaders having learned their lesson, only to have it fall apart. There's no reason to believe they really meant any of their confession/apology; it's simply a convenient way for them to be present when their last plan comes to fruition. In the end, one (the one writing this comment, at least) is left feeling as though the wrong side (not only the incorrect one, but the 'wrong' one - those who have been in the wrong since the beginning) has been victorious.
And as Jirodyne pointed out, that book isn't library property. It's not even Twilight's personal property. Given the reason Twilight said she obtained it originally (back in chapter one), it's the personal property (intended) of Shining Armor, Princess Cadance, and their future foal(s). Twilight doesn't have the right to lend it out; her only claim on it is as a caretaker for it until it's passed to its rightful owners. By allowing the Crusaders to take it, Twilight is basically saying the (fallacious) claim the Crusaders have on the book is stronger than the claim its rightful owners have. In effect, she's agreeing with a claim that can best be summed up as: "They don't deserve to it - because we want it!"
I'm sorry, but the nature of the last chapter basically breaks what was being done before. I'm not sure a sequel, or even an extra chapter, could improve it, either - the false resolution in the final chapter kind of breaks the chance of producing a true resolution.
Did anyone like the ending?
Came here from the Struggling Authors group. Going to give this a go.
4433132
One of my earlier stories. I'm curious to see how it holds up. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the ending.
4433188
Jirodyne's and CHeighlund's comments fit my opinion somewhat perfectly. As far as arcs go, then yes the current arc is finished, but as far as a story goes it's unfinished. We are left with Twilight and Spike noticing something is wrong; the crusader's conning private property [which technically it not being a library book, but a book she bought with her own money for her family] from Twilight; Twilight's friends didn't turn against her, rather they stood up for her [even Pinkie Pie's help was technically unhelpful]; And we are left with a new ball of plot threads to pick up on.
The first three chapters were rather good, this one as far as endings go was flat. It has potential to keep going, and it has potential to be a funny fic [and there were funny / cute parts throughout this fic] but we are left with a Luna sub-arc; a discovery / punishment / payback sub-arc [or two or even all of those for a sub-arc]; a Crusader's Revengers arc / sub-arc [where we see them celebrate a successful con, and what happens now they have the book]; and we have the reaction sub-arc where we see what happens when this all comes to light. That's just off the top of my head and many of those could be part of a singular story arc. Or an arc that threads through multiple arcs.
But with the fake apology, and their moral learned that if someone wrongs you, you use what they care about against them to get what you wanted [even if it isn't theirs to give]. Was rather disappointing, especially since they didn't get comeuppance [in a matter of speaking] to learn their lesson about lying / poisoning family members/ revenge pranking / deceiving a friend [which with Twilight Time she technically is].
The story isn't bad. Just unfinished and needing a polish / extension to make it complete.
4433843
Alright, I asked for it, and you gave it to me.
I think you missed a few points. As for Twilight's friends not turning on her:
Like so many things they've done, the CMC tried and failed.
The conning private property argument also bothers me.
Borrow. Not have. Friends borrow things all the time, and as long as they brought it back in good order, who would be the wiser? Who would care? What would they do with the book? They would read it and return it.
I even forshadowed the ending in Chapter 1. The story with the dragon was supposed to be a metaphor. The three girls faced down a foe more powerful than them and came at it in a way it didn't expect. They bribed one princess to pose as a second princess to fool a third princess. I thought that was a bold move for three schoolgirls. And for once, something they did worked!
I do appreciate the read, and it probably wasn't fair to drop this on you. It just never ceased to amaze me that my simple comedy story brought me my harshest criticism. It wasn't Slice of Life for the CMC to learn a lesson. It was Comedy for a happy ending.
4434011
You're welcome, as for the two points. The CMC aren't her closest friends, but I guess in a way they are her friends. And it wasn't a plot to turn her closest friends against her, rather it was a group of friends getting what they wanted from her.
As for the second one. Yes they asked, while using a dirty psychological trick using Twilight's love and admiration for Tia to get what they wanted. Thus a con-job. As for borrowing a book, originally and for good reason Twilight said no because she bought it for her brother's children. As well as the fact that A) They wrecked her library like a tornado, B) are well known for getting themselves and anything near them at times covered in a variety of substances [thus would ruin the book and lessen it's overall value / condition], and more importantly C) was something special that she paid for, for her family. It'd be like saying that if you bought a brand new book for your favorite family member. And a rather accidentally destructive friend wanted to borrow it. Most people would not do so because it is for someone important to them and said friend would more than likely accidentally get it stained / dinged up / page rips / ect.
So in a big way they did con Twilight. Since not only did they use the please + borrow ploy [which she was hesitant on and near saying no] as well as using her love for Tia to sway Twilight to their way of thinking [aka, getting the book].
Now I do know that it was a comedy fic, and in a way it carried through with that. But the ending as it were, was all in all had left more loose ends then it finished and had a lack of resolution.
But until this chapter it was a good fic, and personally if it was to be a few chapters longer, it would've been much better. I'm still going to give it an upvote though.
Sweetie belle went completely sweetie bot there.
4197394 I liked the final scene with Luna and thought it was a funny image to end it on, but for reasons that have already been stated quite well by the other commenters I didn't feel it really served as a good resolution to the story. It was funny, but not funny enough to overcome my anger at the CMC being rewarded for their bratty selfishness.