When Words Are Not Enough
When Words Are Not Enough
Rainbow Dash lay on her bed with her face buried into her pillow. The tears had finally stopped, but the words still echoed through her skull.
The pegasus flipped onto her back with a grunt. Her eyes drifted upward, completely unfocused. The sun shone through her window, but even its brilliant rays could not penetrate the darkness within her soul.
Dash lifted her pillow up above her head and brought it down with a resounding slap. She. Would. Not. Cry.
Sighing, the mare got up off the bed. Maybe moving would help…
She opened her refrigerator, pulling out her jug of milk. Empty. Again. She’d have to stop off at the store on the way from work tomorrow. If she even left the house tomorrow…
She tossed the jug onto the floor. It landed on its side, flopping on top of her pet turtle. Tortoise. Whatever. It didn’t matter anymore.
Dash walked slowly over to her couch, but stopped to look at the mirror that hung on the wall in her hallway.
She didn’t even recognize the pegasus who stared back at her.
“AAAAAAAHHHHHH!”
She ripped the mirror off the wall, smashing it to the floor. A shard of glass cut her hoof open, but Dash ignored the blood.
Dash stormed over to the couch, throwing herself down and loosing herself in her memories…
The mare couldn’t hold back any longer. The tears flowed from her, and she allowed her head to fall onto her coffee table. The same table that held her letter opening knife.
Rainbow Dash grabbed the letter knife, looking at it. Studying it. Had he looked at his knife this way? Had he stared at it for days, just knowing that it would be the last thing he ever saw before—
WHAM, WHAM, WHAM!
The knocking from her door broke through the cloud of darkness that had been hanging around the mare’s head. She stood up and walked over to answer the door. She left the knife on the table.
As the door swung open, Rainbow Dash found herself starring into the face of her friend, Twilight Sparkle. Or rather, her ex-friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“What do you want?” She croaked.
“Can I come in?” Princess Sparkle asked, smiling softly at the pegasus.
“Is that a question, or a demand?”
Dash met Princess Sparkle’s eyes. The alicorn could see the tearstains, no doubt, but Dash didn’t even care.
“A question. I just wanted to talk. Unless you’re doing something, of course, in which case I apologize for intruding.” She backed away a step before meeting Dash’s eyes once more. “Are you doing anything?”
Dash pushed the door fully open. “Nothing that can’t wait ‘til later…”
“Thank you.” Princess Sparkle walked inside the house. Her eyes glanced over the broken mirror, the milk jug on the floor, and the rumpled mattress. She didn’t seem to see the knife though. Good.
“What do you want this time? Here to take another stab at me?” Dash winced slightly at her own choice of words. “Wreck my self esteem even further?”
Princess Sparkle shook her head sadly. “Dash. You know that I didn’t mean anything offensive by what I wrote. I just wanted to—“
“HA!”
Sparkle stepped back. “Dash, I just wanted to apologize. I wrote some things that I shouldn’t have—“
“Damn right!”
“—and I’m sorry.”
Dash shook her mane back and forth. “Sorry? After all that, you just say sorry? That’s it? Sorry yourself, Princess Sparkle, but that’s not enough.”
The other mare took a step back. “’Princess Sparkle?’ What happened to ‘Twilight?’”
“Twilight was my friend. Twilight backed me up at my lowest. You aren’t Twilight.”
“Yes I am! Nothing has changed! You asked for help, and I gave it!” Sparkle stamped her hoof into the cloud, sending a puff flying into the air.
“Wait. You think what you gave me was HELP?” Dash threw her head back, shooting a glare at the alicorn. “Of all the stupid things that I’ve heard you say before, Princess, that is the dumbest. Here, let me show you.” Sparkle winced at the comment, but said nothing.
The pegasus strode over to her desk, pulling out a binder stuffed full of papers. “Let’s see what your ‘help’ actually was.”
Princess Sparkle walked into the room in order to look at the papers over Dash’s heaving shoulders.
“So, here’s your end note,” Dash said as she yanked a piece of notebook paper from the folder. “And what you said, word for word.” The pegasus cleared her throat as she began to read.
“Dear Rainbow Dash. Thank you for sending this manuscript to me. I am glad that you thought of me first after writing this.”
Dash glared at Sparkle. “Big. Mistake.” Before the other mare could respond, Rainbow read on.
“Before I begin, I think that you should know that I am going to give you my honest opinion. In circumstances like these, anything less that the full truth would cause more harm than good.”
Sparkle nodded. “Which is why I don’t see what you’re so upset about! You gave me what you’d written, and you wanted what I thought about it! So, why would you—“
“So, let’s begin. The concept itself is… trite. Overdone.”
Rainbow shot a death glare at the Princess.
“It’s true! That story has been done before, many times, and by authors with far more experience than you!” Sparkle protested.
“The dialogue feels fake. It doesn’t inspire emotion, and it barely even feels coherent.”
“The interaction between Daring and her mother was totally implausible. There is nothing to indicate that the two ever felt anything like that! And what two sane ponies would?”
Rainbow stopped for a moment, throwing down the paper. “Why, you…” She stopped herself, breathing in deeply. “No. You just keep digging yourself deeper.”
“What?” Sparkle asked. But Rainbow merely picked up her paper and continued reading.
“The characters… Rainbow. They’re not good. They’re two dimensional, weakly executed, and frankly, I just don’t feel attached to either one.”
Dash looked up. “Remember that. Let it SINK IN.”
“The plot falls apart from the beginning. It is riddled with holes, and none of it makes any sense!”
“Dash, what are saying? Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Rainbow, I’m going to put this as gently as possible. This is… really bad.”
The pegasus smirked. “I like how ‘gentle’ that was. Gentle as a stab to the gut.”
“Look, I hate to say it, but if you really want this to succeed, then you need to start over.”
“Dash, NONE OF THIS WAS PERSONAL!” Sparkle practically shouted. “It’s a review! To make you see the work through eyes other than the ones that wrote it!”
“And it’s just another story designed to evoke an emotional reaction.”
Dash met Sparkle’s eyes. “Well, you got one right. Somepony pin a medal on you.”
“You try to make ponies feel something, but it isn’t working.”
“I didn’t mean it in a hurtful way, Dash. I was just trying to tell you that—”
“Again, you don’t get it! It doesn’t matter what you meant! It matters what I felt!” Rainbow yelled before continuing.
“The grammar, spelling, and punctuation all need work. You need an editor before this will ever go anywhere.”
“Which. Is. Why. I. Came. To. You.”
“I was only trying to help…”
“Also, ‘Daring Do,’ in this story, is obviously just your personality and her body and name. That’s not a good way to write a story.”
Sparkles mouth dropped open as she gasped. “Wait…”
“You’re an athlete, Rainbow. A good one. Maybe writing isn’t for you. But hey! Maybe you can pass it off as a black comedy! A spoof!”
“Sweet Celestia…”
Dash gave a lopsided grin. “Oh, so are you seeing it now? You seeing why I reacted the way I did? Could you have possibly managed to finally understand?”
“I… I had no idea…”
“Obviously not,” Rainbow intoned. “But how does it feel, knowing that you said that one of your best friend’s personal account of her own dad committing suicide would be a good ‘black COMEDY?’”
Tears welled up in Sparkle’s eyes. “Dash, please…”
“OH! So are you SORRY now? Everything finally makes sense, and now you’re going to come begging for forgiveness? You saw that it was, as you put it, ‘obviously my personality.’ How did you not put two and two together? How the HELL did you manage to be Celestia’s ‘personal protégé’ when you can’t even see the obvious?”
Sparkle couldn’t even speak, so Dash continued on.
“And you called that just a ‘critique?’ You ripped it apart and destroyed what I had spent MONTHS working on without even batting an eyelash. I’d poured my heart and soul into it, and you just come along and act as if that all meant nothing!”
“Months?”
“YES! MONTHS!” Dash screamed at the royal. “I came to you for help to make it better! I didn’t need to be told that it was horrible! I already knew that! I needed help! I needed your support!”
“But I was trying to help! I thought that was what you wanted! I didn’t know what it meant to you!”
“REALLY? REALLY!?” Foam flew from Dash’s mouth as she stared at her former friend. “What in Celestia’s green Equestria gave you the impression that ANYONE would want to be spat upon? Have their life’s story called trite?’
“I didn’t know! You never told me!” Twilight’s tears streaked down unceasingly. “I thought it was a fanfic! I thought it was something that you’d thrown together on a whim! If I’d known, then I never would have said those things.”
Dash gazed at the other mare. The pony who had been through so much with her. The pony who had saved her, had helped her, had given her life purpose again. Dash saw her stand there, as broken as a little filly had stood seventeen years ago, blaming herself for something that she had no control over.
Twilight stepped forward. “Dash. Please… Can you forgive me?” She held out a hoof.
And then the dam broke.
The pegaus let out a strangled sob as she leapt into the other pony’s waiting hooves. “I’m s-sorry.” She sobbed. “It’s n-not your fault. I just…”
Twilight just stood there, holding Dash. “It’s okay… It’s okay…”
“I just… I needed to say something. To tell her…”
Twilight pulled away a little bit. “To tell who?”
Dash gave a sad smile. “You know how Daring Do barely talked to her mom after her dad… You know?” At Twilight’s nod, she continued. “Well, after dad left us, I never told my mom that I loved her when I was growing up. Never once. I guess I always blamed her for dad’s death. She was never around, and I felt abandoned. And when I moved out, I didn’t speak to her for years. But then, three months ago, I was looking at the calendar, and I realized something.” Dash wiped her face with her hooves.
“Tomorrow marks the seventeenth anniversary of dad’s… passing. It also would have been their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, if he’d still been around. And… I just wanted to tell her… S-since I never had earlier… T-that I l-l-love her…”
The tears fell through the cloud floor down to the ground far below them. Dash sniffed loudly before continuing.
“So I wanted to do something different. She’s been a writer. It’s how she paid the bills for so long. So, I wanted to…” Her eyes fell. “I wanted to write her a story. My story.”
Twilight pulled Rainbow close again. “Dash, I… I don’t even have the words. They just wouldn’t be enough…”
Words wouldn’t be enough…
All the pain. All the darkness. All her anger. Twilight’s words cut through all of them, like a ray of light through the darkest night. “Words… Not enough…”
Dash pulled away again. “Twilight. You were right about one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I am a terrible writer.” Dash smirked slightly. “But you’re not.”
Dash walked back over to her couch. She picked the knife up with a smile. No. She wouldn’t let him ruin her life any longer.
Dash tossed the knife out her window. She then pulled out an old beaten up typewriter.
“I need you to help me say what I never could.”
Surprise lay in her bed. The early rays of sunrise shone through the window. The older mare groaned as she tried to lift her hooves out of bed. It was off to work with her, and then to the store, and then back home to another night alone.
She forcibly kept her eyes away from the calendar. She already knew what day it was. She did not need the reminder.
She stumbled out to her kitchen to make herself a grass shake. But as she pulled out her blender from the cupboard, a sheet of paper fell out. She frowned as she picked it up, but her mouth quickly turned to a gasp.
Dear Mom,
Seventeen years ago to this day, the stallion closest to us made the most selfish choice that anypony could ever make. He left us alone in a cruel world, alone with his failings, and alone with the knowledge that oblivion was a greater comfort to him than our presence.
I never forgave him. I missed him, and wanted him back terribly, but I never forgave him. I missed him, more than I would miss life itself, and I wanted him back more than I wanted to keep breathing, but I never forgave him. I became angry. Ashamed. I lashed out at the only pony I could. You.
I didn’t understand. Dad was gone, and you had to leave too. You were never home, since you always had to be at work. I thought that you hated me too, that you didn’t want me either. I took to sports to escape. And then we saw each other even less. I avoided you, just as I thought that you were avoiding me.
I was wrong.
Two months ago, I started writing a story about my life. I would bring it to you to read, but it was terrible. A friend told me so, and I agreed with her. After I stopped crying, that is.
I can’t write. Not like you can. And I know that I couldn’t have done what you did. I couldn’t have given up what you gave up for my sake.
You are my hero. I see that now.
And I have something to tell you. Something that words cannot express.
“Mom…”
Surprise turned to face her daughter, tears staining both their eyes.
“MOM!” Rainbow yelled as she ran over to her mom, throwing her hooves around in an enormous hug.
“I love you…” She whispered into Surprise’s ear.
But the words didn't even need to be said.
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This was beautiful and sad
, and me listening to Laputa: Castle in the Sky - Main theme on Piano
didin't help me to stop crying
I normally don't cry at all (no I'm not one o those people with a tough guy attitude. I just don't cry from sad stories) and I'm a bit of a cold hearted bastard at times (in the morning), but this is a good fic. Not as in the grammar was high quality or such, but that it was able to give me a strong emotional response (still no tears (but close)). I also congratulate you on the fact that this was only done in around 2 hours. That's quite the achievement (to me at least, as it takes me longer) for something this long and of this quality. Keep on writing! Of course an editor or someone to give you their personal opinion about a story before you publish it on a site always helps, as they will see things you might have missed, and give you ideas for a story (as long as they weren't like how Twilight acted when Rainbow Dash first gave her the story).
Reading this story I can totally relate to with Dash is feeling about her writing. To work on something you put your sweat and tears on, only to be frowned upon and tore into pieces. Well expect for the trying to killing herself part.. Good job
Heh. It's definitely a rushed story, but that makes sense if you only gave yourself so little time to write it.
The biggest problem I probably have is that the misunderstanding feels a bit stretched. So much hurt that in a normal situation would have been avoided by simple conversation. That is generally the case when it comes to the misunderstanding trope, but to me it's more obvious in this case.
3905153
It does feel stretched. Sadly, that is actually a very close rendition of what happened in my life in order to prompt the writing of this fic. Words were said in a casual conversation, and all the pain could have been avoided if I'd just spoken up. Oh well. You live and you learn
3904532
Aww, thanks. Hope you enjoyed the cry.
I did
3904660
Thanks bro! And yeah, I do have several friends who edit/preread, but none were available last night. So I just wrote, once-over'd and published. Which is the OPPOSITE of my usual way of writing. Probably should get those editors on it soon.
3904970
Yep, that's me too. The original premise, the brutal rejection in a very painful way, came from my life. I just took some poetic lisence in how dark RD's life was.
For a story that is sad and meant to make people cry, I couldn't be happier to have read it. Normally storys like this have a rather large and negitive impact on my mood, but the ending you gave has lifted my spirits higher than they have been in a while. So thank you, thank you for writing this amazing story.
This story is beautiful. I do see one problem though.
...doesn't Dash live in a cloud house above Ponyville? This could end very badly.
3906360
and on that day, pipsqueak actually needed an eyepatch.
xD
nah seriously though, good shit Doc. like and a favorite and stuff.
That should be 'me', I think.
Overall, this was good. I could tell it was made shortly, but, it was good for how long you gave yourself to do it.
I imagine the story Rainbow Dash wrote is very much like this one. Consequently, my critique of it should read very similarly to the one Twilight gave at the beginning...
Okay, I know that sounds harsh, but this story is just trying so very hard to be "sad" that it ends up being kinda ridiculous.
3905979
Wow, thank you. It certainly helped brighten my day, and I'm glad it helped yours too.
3906360
3906402
Coming soon, the sequel: When One Eye is Not Enough...
3907003
Whoops, thanks for pointing that out! Glad that you enjoyed it!
3907215
Oh man, I'm a terrible person making jokes in the comments of a sadfic.
3907187
You are probably the only person to have caught that. This fic represents a good bit of introspection from me. The words that Twilight said are there for a reason. The word that you're missing in your critique is 'meta.'
I'm not much of a sadfic writer. I write comedy. Some others here enjoyed the fic, and it helped me get through some things by writing it. That's enough for me.
Thank you for your honest opinion though. I hope you find some fics more your speed.
3907231
You really are. And look, you made best pony cry!
Much sadness.
3907256
sir, I believe you are mistaken. Best Pony's feels are still securely in the jar. or in this case, tree.
3907365
Fine. You hurt Best Pony's and Other Best Pony's feels.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?
3907187
I agree with Avenger. It's a good concept, but it was just too all over the place for any of the potential to really be fleshed out. Overall, this looks more like a first draft than a final one.
In particular, the italicized thoughts and flashbacks were annoying and kept breaking my immersion in the story. It would have flowed a lot more smoothly if you had found a way to work them into the narrative or dialogue. The information dump at the beginning also doesn't work very well because it ruins any sort of suspense that would have come from not immediately knowing the circumstances of Dash's fight with Twilight.
Personal stories often come out badly because the author is trying to stick too closely to how they perceive the event to have gone or wish the outcome had been. I do like that you had Dash accept some blame for her argument with her friend, since a lot of these kinds of stories try to portray the author's favorite character as a flawless victim. Having her thinking about her story being flamed as the lead-up to her suicide does not work, though--It comes off as a contrived statement against people who say mean things about fanfiction on the internet, though I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention.
As I said before, it also has a good concept behind it (Dash having a fight with Twilight because Twilight criticized her story too harshly and Dash took it personally). But having Dash be a budding writer just seems... odd. It would have worked much better if Dash had tried to use Daring Do as an avatar for herself, as she often does in stories where she writes fanfiction. I think so, anyway; if you're going to set her up as a 'real' writer or something equally out of character for her, you need to introduce it carefully.
I think the main problem with this story is that you posted it without revising it very much. Most successful authors don't post first drafts--we write something in the throes of emotion, then spend days or weeks editing it until it correctly portrays what we want it to portray. If you spend time editing your work and adding to it, you'll often get a much more coherent story, and you'll also have a chance to add a lot of detail, which this story was severely lacking in.
It's not bad at all, which is why I'm bothering to review it instead of just saying how bad it is. You obviously have potential as a writer, and you seem to have a good attitude towards criticism if your comments are any indication. So I'd recommend getting some people to edit what you write before posting it, which is what I do, and also revising it yourself. There's always room for improvement on any story.
3907416
In retrospect, I feel kinda bad for writing that comment instead of something like what you did. I usually do, but I just couldn't bring myself to make that effort today...
Anyway, one thing that I must mention is that, while the fight between RD and Twilight felt a bit implausible the way it was, it wasn't what set me off about this story. In fact, compared to every other element of it, it has potential to be a brilliant premise: Twilight is harsh with her because, at a first glance, the story seems like a rather ham-handed attempt to employ a serious subject like suicide in order to write something "sad," which, in a way, wouldn't be that OOC for Rainbow Dash in case she ever tried her hoof at writing. What she doesn't know is that RD wasn't just making it up. Arguments and broken hearts ensue.
Of course, the biggest issue that needs addressing is the content of RD's story itself. The above premise allows for enough conflict and emotional twists to jerk tears from the reader (albeit at this point we're dangerously close to the same thing that Simply Rarity did, just to name an MLP fanfic example), so there's no need to "overdo the sad content" from here and come up with the most depressing family story that you can think of for her.
As for the ending... well, I suppose it's okay as it is, but it too could use a bit of revision. Other than that, this story is decent. Not perfect, and could be a whole lot better, but still well above "bad"...
Funny...Back when I was giving up all hope of everything, I would write stories like this. Except, they would always end in the main characters death. And that main character was meant to be me: every single time I wrote that story (I wrote the same story over and over and over, because I couldn't ever get it right) I was meant to be the image of the main character.
3907617
3907416
Thank you very much for your input, both of you. As I said, this was a speed writing test for me. I'm usually an edit-addict, but I took an entirely new approach this time. Some of it, I like. The rest, not so much. I will be revising this and posting it as a second chapter, for comparison reasons. Most, if not all, of your input will be addressed!
Doc
3907416
Also, Rainbow Dash is far from my favorite pony. I just identify with her the most. Rarity is best pone FOREVER!
I like the fic, and I found it quite touching. A pleasant read, given the subject material.
But I'm not sure these were the right characters for this particular story. There were moments when both Dash and Twilight felt somewhat out of character. I think something like this may have worked better with some sort of sibling relationship, say Scootaloo in the place of Rainbow (since the parent thing works with the usual Scoots head canon) and Dash in the role that Twilight took.
But for what it's worth, a definite thumbs up from me.
It wasn't sad to me really, very emotional though. I'm glad that Rainbow didn't do it and Twilight came in when she did. It's a good story, and Surprise ending too boot. (Sorry in bad taste, but I had to do it.) It was a happy-ish ending though.
Honestly, I feel about this story like Twilight did about Dash's story. It's obviously trying to evoke an emotional response, but it just doesn't.
Oddly enough, the thing that gets under my skin the most is either Dash or the narrative referring to Twilight as 'Princess Sparkle' or just 'Sparkle.' It just feels weird in narrative, and I can't really see Dash ever referring to her as "Sparkle," princess or no. I know that it's supposed to be indicative of her and Twilight having a 'falling out' of sorts, but that's not revealed until close to the end, so it doesn't make sense early on.
I feel like the concept is solid, but as many others have said, it was rushed. There's not enough time for us to get invested in the events going on, and saving the reveal of why Dash feels the way she does until the latter part of the story doesn't let us understand why she's all mopey and depressed early on.
One last thing, everyone knows that Firefly is Dash's mom. Surprise is Pinkie's long lost sister/twin/pegasus-alter-ego.
Just looked at the revised version. Still a few things in there that bug me, but overall it's now a satisfying read. You may have a like from me!
I would encourage you to do some research about suicide and the mental illnesses that cause it before you call a character such as that selfish.
Don't like your story, it's disablist as it stands.
I'm goin to have to say that I disagree with this story's premise and message. Rainbow Dash is being horridly presumptuous to assume Twilight would just know that the story was a cry for help. It's all Dash's fault really. If she wanted to write a story then she should have used original characters. Twilight's harsh criticism was exactly because she thought it was fanfiction. She's a Daring Do fan as well and pointed out the character inconsistencies honestly. Had Dash used original characters then Twilight wouldn't have made such a mistake.
And for some reason Twilight's honest critique makes Rainbow Dash have thoughts of suicide? That's so unrealistic. Or Rainbow Dash is really immature.
It seems that you have tried very hard to make this story evoke the feelings Dash tried to in her own story. I can tell. However, there are some things that this story still lacks. First, it needs another clean sweep from either you or an editor. I don't have the ability to go and point out the errors, but the majority were comma errors.
Another thing that bugs me is when Rainbow Dash finally falls apart and cries for Twilight. The execution felt... lacking. It didn't really contain much emotional worth as you were trying to exhibit. The reason for this is that the leading part to her outburst was simple exposition. It was telly, extremely so. While one paragraph can be sufficient lead up to this, the way it was done did not do the trick.
But otherwise, the ending really drove the knife deeper, so to speak. It was the part where I could feel the feels. You did a fantastic job at finishing it up there.
This was a satisfying read. You get the like and fave from me.
loosing herself in her memories…
Lots of weird use of commas too.
3912740
I'm gonna go ahead and defend this choice of words.
Rainbow was writing the letter, so naturally see her father's decision as selfish. Also, she's not exactly the most sensitive pony.
But that's just my opinion of course, you don't have to listen to me, because I still young and somewhat of an idiot, and I might be wrong.
Good story.
Awwww.
Love the ending! Great story plot!
...
The one, i've just merely understand at first, like a milestone
Great and interesting one, keep up a good work
3914494 Hello old comment. Now that you've come back here... Remember these feels.
Just saying I may or may not make a Narration for this after reading it