For Twilight Sparkle, life has been good. She has had friends and family to support her throughout her time in both Ponyville and outside of it. Through those bonds, her passion has grown strong and is ready to show the world what she can do.
However, not even she can prepare for what she is about to encounter. When an old rival-turned-friend pops around to visit, can Twilight learn to depend on somepony who has held a grudge on her for so long?
Can she fulfill her role as a Princess and guide souls back to the light?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is written for the 5th Equestria Daily prompt. Please provide constructive criticism. The topic that was attempted in this particular work was FOILs, AKA, attempting to write about two opposite characters.
Chapters (1)
i liked it i think you should take off the dark tag that's used for......worse things like death bloodshed and very unpleasant things
also i think evry story needs a little sub heading saying where they are the long ones that are constantly bouncing between charecters really need those but now im rambling great work AO
I think a good first thing you can work on is making your characters seem in-character all the time. I'll give some examples.
This sounds very like Trixie. She's a jerk and often unintentionally funny, and her line here - contradicting herself and sounding sulky - really brings this out. I like a few of her lines here and during the conversation when she complains about how her life has gone downhill.
This, though, doesn't sound very Twilight. "Fiend" is a dramatic word - Rarity
or perhaps Trixie would be more likely to use it than Twilight. I would expect Twilight here, waking up and finding out who is in front of her, to say something reflecting her drive to understand, like "Sombra? How did you get here? I thought you were defeated!" or something reflecting her growing confidence since being a princess, like "Sombra! My friends and I defeated you once and we'll do it again!"
This again sounds unusually dramatic and confrontational for Twi. (Who is "we" there? Nopony else saw Trixie leave with Twilight.) Twilight, when she's at her best, tries to solve problems through friendship, and this would seem a natural time for her to remind Trixie of what she learned during their last encounters. Maybe something along the lines of "Trixie, you're better than this! How can you trust dark magic after the Alicorn Amulet? I know you're mad at me, and I want to make that right if you let me, but you have to stop this." Except I'd cut out the dark magic sentence in the version at the start because it gives away the plot. Since this is the line that's echoed right at the start, it's probably the most important to get right.
I'm not saying my suggestions are perfect, obviously! Just trying to base them on what I know of the characters.
4177823 Can I just say thank you for giving me a well thought out review! And I do agree with some of your suggestions. The biggest problem I find is that when I write, I might take several hours or days off and forget the mood that I was in. That has a bad effect on my writing. Some of my newer fics try to remedy this, but...Im my own worst critic
Thanks for the awesome feedback!