• Member Since 4th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 16th, 2016

TwilightTheAlicorn


I am a writer, an aritist, an aspiring voice actor, and a Christian.

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Source

Once upon a time, in land far far away, there lived a Princess. Her name was Twilight Sparkle. Once, a little pony appeared on her doorstep. This pony was a pony who was destined to become great. This is her story. This is my story. I am that little pony. I am Night Star.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 7 )

Okay, for a first story this is pretty good:pinkiehappy:But there is a few things you need to look at:

1. When making dialogue scenes- which I shall add are too fast - add props to the story. For example,

"These are the best darn' apples in Equestria, here in Sweet Apple Anchors." Said Applejack.

"Applejack, these apples are very apple-tizing" said Rainbow Dash, chuckling at her own pun.

What I just showed you is something not to do, but this is.

"These are the best darn' apples in Equestria, here in Sweet Apple Anchors." Said Applejack, kicking a nearby tree with her hind legs, making multiple apples fall onto her head.

"Yes, Applejack, these apples are very apple-tizing" said Rainbow Dash, after swiping an apple off of AJ's head, and chuckling at her own pun.

That's a good way to add more... realistic components. To make the reader seem like they're in the story... not just reading it. Another thing to help you with your writing is not always using "said" or just not putting _______ Said/Hissed/Whatever (Which I did see you do). There are other things like 'hissed' or 'Mumbled' but it ALL depends on how the character is feeling in that moment of time. I going to take this right from The School for New Writers

Five Levels of Said Tag Volumes
Very, Very Loud: Screamed/Roared
Very Loud: Shouted/Yelled
Normal: Said/Asked
Quiet: Mumbled/Grumbled/Hissed
Very Quiet: Whispered/Squeaked

Now lets go back to Rainbow and AJ.

"These are the best darn' apples in Equestria, here in Sweet Apple Anchors." Said Applejack, kicking a nearby tree with her hind legs, making multiple apples fall onto her head.

"Yes, Applejack, these apples are very apple-tizing" said Rainbow Dash, after swiping an apple off of AJ's head, and chuckling at her own pun.

Now let's continue this abit.

"These are the best darn' apples in Equestria, here in Sweet Apple Anchors." explained Applejack, kicking a nearby tree with her hind legs, making multiple apples fall onto her head, thus balancing them.

"Yes, Applejack, these apples are very apple-tizing" chuckled Rainbow Dash, after swiping an apple off of AJ's head and taking a bite out of the red fruit..

"Hush, Rainbow"-Applejack smacked the apple out of her hoof-" This is no foalsplay! Applejack hissed.

Rainbow Dash shrugged,"What?" she asked innocently " I was just making this dull interview awesome-r."

AJ rolled her eyes and continued...

See, does that seem better? Yes? Good. Few more things... give a description of the environment. Just for you I'll take this out of the story I'm working on right now.:pinkiehappy:

Celestia's sun rising over the crescent of the hill of the wide landscape near the Everfree was always a gorgeous sight. Or when Luna's moon would be flying over the rural, green field. The field is dotted with white tulips and red roses , and in the middle an Oak tree. The branches are twisted around each other, creating multiple spirals coming down from the tree. Bright colored leaves inhabit the top of the big Oak, like a hat on Pinkie Pie, the party pony of Ponyville, with varying colors of red and orange.

Can you picture the scene? If you can't tell me... I'm still working. Anyway, see what I'm getting to? Add an environment to the story! Let's take a line from your story.

We said as we ran out to the meadow behind Fluttershy's home.

What is the meadow like? Does it have trees? Are animals exploring the greenery? These are the things that make a story realistic and make the reader like the story more. One more thing I promise. Give the character a background and an appearance . So... we'll take Thunder for example.

Name: Thunder Dart
Gender:Female
Cutiemark :Checkered Flag
Backround: She was born in Las Pegasus, but she ran away from her abusive parents. After, being taken in by one of the Wonderbolts, she learned her talent of racing when practicing with Spitfire. One day she figured out that she had an uncle in Ponyville she moved there and met her friends Star and Silver.

That's really about it. I hope this helps you when writing.:pinkiehappy:

3901241 Two things. Or more, I'm not sure. Three. Or so. Anyway, this is not my first story. Two, I tried as hard as I possibly could to add some dialogue tags in, but I couldn't without making it sound choppier than it already was, and Star isn't young enough to talk like that. Three, they're little fillies. It's narrated in first person... pony, and even if Star is the student of the nerdiest (good thing) pony around, she's still learning how to talk without sounding choppy. I did that on purpose. I realize that I haven't exactly made things totally clear yet, and I will, I promise.
Another thing, and this is just a nitpick, but... I'm going to go rant for a bit. Don't take it personally. Man, you don't even have to read it if you don't want to.



It's Thunder Dust, not Thunder Dart. She's a little filly who hasn't found her cutie mark yet, and so she doesn't know what she wants to be. Her parents live in Ponyville, and they are semi-abusive. Not so much for her to be bruised and beaten half to death, but enough to where she's scared to say anything, and thinks she's worthless.
So. Yeah. I get worked up when I get criticism. Don't take it personally, or else I would feel absolutely terrible.
I'm a bit like Fluttershy in that I can't take much criticism.
And I'm really sensitive, especially towards other people's feelings.

You seem to have two chapter ones. Might wanna delete one.

3902617 Thank you for noticing that! I don't know how it happened, but thank you! I fixed it.

Comment posted by Poek Tyku deleted Feb 6th, 2014

3902784 Oh nononononono! I'm so sorry! I was just trying to help!:pinkiesad2: I just wanted to share my knowledge! Will you accept a I'm-Really-Sorry-Muffin?fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/153/7/5/mlp_style_muffin_by_starshinecelestalis-d51z7mt.png

3905623 Sure. Why not? I'm happy because of the best snow day ever. :rainbowlaugh: :raritystarry: :twilightsmile: :ajsmug: :pinkiesmile:
Yeah. That.

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