- Member Since 22nd Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 3rd, 2018
AgentSnail
I don't want to give out information here... Because obviously you're all going to use it against me. It's alright, I live in a cardboard box and I move it around a lot, so you'll never be able to.
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Clop or not, this is good.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/11/2/462737/full.gif
^make
^this should be rephrased. like, "she didn't jump into relationships; she could muster the patience to wait."
^this sentence has the word mare two times. Also, LUS.
^the 'anyway' is not really needed, also, this eludes to the start of a conversation, but it actually doesn't, so really, this entire line of dialogue is not needed.
Also, a persistent mistake you have in the entire story is the fact that you do not put a comma after dialogue. When you have a line of dialogue which ends with any variation of "she said" there needs to be a comma. The only time there would be a period is if the dialogue is followed by an action. So like "Blah blah blah." She rolled her eyes. "I can do what I want." is perfectly fine.
^huh?
^none of this is really needed. 'He replied' is enough. Everything else is over stating what we already know, and frankly uses the word 'usual' way too much.
That's all I have, really. Actually, it's not, there are a lot more mistakes in this piece of writing, such as your need to have words like 'inquired' or 'queried' when you can just say 'asked'. Granted, you didn't really use them too much, but regardless.
This is not bad , though the constant grammatical mistakes make it painful to read. That, and I'm not the biggest fan of MacDash.
Alright you got my attention. I'm sort of wondering where the fetish stuff is going to kick in and interact with a story that's this vanilla so far. I enjoyed the interaction between Dash and Mac in this chapter, though I thought Dash would be just a little bit excited about the prospect of more cider.
I wish that there was some kind of filter for just clop, as I have no interest in that but there are several good mature stories without it, but don't like having the page hogged with suggestions for porn
Futa Mac? Take the emoticons of my expectation of Dashie on learning it.
This is superb! More, please!
I'm more just eager to know what Mac's big secret is. But aside from that, you've nailed the characters pretty well, and your dialogue is very smooth and natural. Keep up this level, and clop or not, I'll be a loyal follower.
This is an excellent beginning, you have me hooked.
4153872
Good to hear. I guess you didn't read the whole description, because the contest this is entered in kinda gives his secret away. But since it's still a surprise, hopefully you'll like it… I hope.
Also thanks about the dialogue and characters. I wasn't sure if I was doing a good job or not.
4155485
The fact that you read all my stuff is truly awesome. Your opinion means a whole lot.
Dude, you're an awesome writer! Don't sell yourself short!
Plus you've written this ship so well! It's a friggin awesome read!
My official guess: Mac is a mare, or transgendered in some way. That's what Dash was smelling, Mac's arousal.
I am really, REALLY digging this story. Yeah, I came for the promise of MacDash clop, but now it's just the emotions and the sweetness that have me drawn in. I did note a few errors:
Dashie Sudden Accent, go!
I also saw a missing end quote, but dammit, I forgot where.
Keep this up, dude!
Great chapter! Whatever Mac's secret I feel that it's going to be very funny! Can't wait to see more and great update times!
4158262
Once you start with the Ah's, there's no stopping.
4158270
Funny…. serious….. you missed the description and I hope the contest this was entered into doesn't scare you off…. Although I guess the reason I wrote this was to try to prove that a story could be made realistic no matter what kinds of things were involved.
4158328 Jake and I were actually just talking about that. Truth of the matter is I don't know how to read so ya.
4158333
Hopefully you're staying…? I mean, I can't keep you here if you don't want to be, but it'd be nice if you did…
4158357 I'm staying lol. I love the story too much not to stay!
4158359
Awesome!
Good Job thus far. Keep up the good work!
I like how you have crafted their pairing up. While they have very differing personalities, it makes sense that they would agree on things like sneaking out of the fancy restaurant. It really makes their relationship seem plausible. I will be looking forward to seeing where things go from here.
Your dialogue could do with a bit of work in places, sometimes I have to doublecheck to confirm which person is talking, and there's a couple of places it just feels a little clunky... My advice there would be to read it back to yourself, out loud if you have to. It'll help you find the bits that don't flow.
Okay, complaints aside, I love the way you portray Dash and Mac. I think you nail them perfectly, and the image of Dash in a top hat really tickles me. You get a thumbs up from me, good Sir and I look forward to seeing more.
Enjoying this to the max!
Wow, so the male is the futa! Do you have any idea how rare that is? Like... I don't think I've ever read a story about it!
Eagerly awaiting their first... encounter...
I actually dont mind the cliffhanger. Although honestly I kinda think the better cliffhanger would have been just her dashing off (lol, I just realized the pun there) with Mac yelling after her. I just feel like there would be a bit more to dash thinking about what she just saw than what was written.
I'm not saying the ending detracted at all from the story, just stating an opinion is all. I do look forward to the next chapter!
I almost missed this story when scrolling through the popular stories box, but scrolled back when I realized there was a coverart of Mac and Dash. Had to check it out after seeing it. Now I am quite securely, and certifiably hooked.
4163545
Also, quite agreed.
I know, right? The first time the odd smell was mentioned, all I thought was "No way. But. . . That means. . . No. Way. Yes!"
Mac is the futa? I'm okay with that
You're getting a thumbs up just for using the word 'finagle' in the short description.
But no futa for me, ty.
Ah, I'm not a fan of the futa stuff. Just thought I shall bring that forward. Sorry.
... Nice.
4165012
4164748
I mean, it was in the main description, so I definitely mentioned it ahead of time. Sorry to see you people go, though.
4163545
4163802
I'm glad you took to that change. I've never seen it before and I figured that I may as well be original. Besides, it kinda works with Mac's character.
4163749
You're probably right, and I would go back and change it if I hadn't already published that sucker. The reason it ended when it did was to make the cliffhanger seem a little better, especially if I was going to be dropping off the radar for a few days.
4165221 lol I was never here. I was about to give it a read until I read that in the description.
4165344
Ah
Futa?
Nicely done all around!
I'm really happy to see the "Incomplete" still there, though, as I'm really looking forward to seeing where you take this.
Mike
Well....that was friggin surprising!
The only issue I'm seeing is that both sets of genitalia aren't functional in hermaphrodites. The closest to an exception I could find was a zebra that had one testicle on one side and one ovary on the other. It was male on one side of its body and female on the other.
Generally what happens is doctors see it at the delivery, identify which of the sex organs isn't hooked up, and remove it.
Is there going to be an explanation why Mac has both, scientifically or magically, in the story? Just curious about the how.
4170178
Dash only saw both externally. The idea that Mac is fully functional in both respects is ridiculous, and I know that. I know my basic biology, and such a thing will be reflected. I know this is for a guys contest and therefore stretches reality by nature, but I'll keep it as realistic as I can. That was what I was trying to do with this story in every way I could.
4167124
Now I need to watch that movie again...
4170872
Thanks for answering, I was just curious about how it worked within the story is all. Big Mac going through estrus would mean his female bits are working and an erection means his male are as well. It's just something that doesn't normally happen so I really am just sitting here wondering how it'll be explained.
No worries.
4170872 I just happen to have it on DVD.
Well, this is getting some good reviews! I will wait until is finish it so I can get an allnighter!
(maybe before if I can't resist temptation! 
)
Futamac...the next step in pony evolution.
Well, as long as there's no gay shit happening, I can deal with this story. Hope it pans out without me bailing out.
Time will tell.
*Tilts head* I am enjoying this...
damn good writing
I enjoy this. It isn't poorly written smut, and has a solid storyline. I love your writing and can't wait for the next update
WHOO! God, I love this shipping!
A'ight, let's do this
How are you this good at writing deep characters and good plot? Spellcheck doesn't even think spellcheck is a word, seriously.