• Published 20th Mar 2014
  • 622 Views, 13 Comments

No One's like Blueblood - Doctor Parker

Join Blueblood and his guy friends on their quests to cure constipation and acquire some tacos!

  • ...

Meet Blueblood!

Specially dedicated to a friend of mine who is known as Dustpan and as Kapre.

Once upon a time, Prince Blueblood went to Home Depot to buy a toilet...
...But he suffered from chronic constipation, and thus, he could not use his toilet.
...As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for his shit would remain in his ass for all time...


Prince Blueblood went on one of his usual walks with his friend, Oszukac, a Tarpan prince from Tarpanland. Overhead, they heard the distinctive cries of geese flying south for the winter, and they paused to watch them. Blueblood, though walking with a friend, had put on his iHock to not listen to Oszukac's blathering. Then, in sheer boredom, and channelling his inner fury at his intestinal plight, Blueblood shot a goose from the sky.

"Wow, a direct hit, Blueblood!" Oszukac squealed.

Blueblood removed his earbuds, as he had no problem with praise, but he felt grim, overwhelmed by how the best of his years had gone by, to add to his severe intestinal blockage.

"Not quite, Os," he admitted. "I was aiming for that foal's kite."

"Wow, you're a terrible aim!" Oszukac quickly corrected himself.

Blueblood sighed: "I know."

"Still, you're the whole world!" Os sniveled. "Mainly because you're hot, though there's not a beast alive that can stand a chance against that magic!" Os said with sycophanty. "And no mare for that matter could stand a chance against you and your sexiness!"

Blueblood smiled; it had been 15 years since the disaster at the galla that nearly ruined him, and 15 years is enough time for ponies to forget. That realization was enough to make him forget his anal pain. "It's true, Os. And I've got my sights set on that one!" He yelped towards Filthy Rich's home, which was having a massive barbecue on his front lawn, with stacks of donuts almost as tall as his house!

"Filthy Rich's Dog?" Oszukac asked, recalling prior dallyings of Blueblood.

"No. I ended that affair years ago." Blueblood confessed

Oszukac scanned the yard for other things that Blueblood may find attractive. "Filthy Rich's Hookers?"

"No, I'm straight." Blueblood was most annoyed his best friend did not know that!

"Filthy Rich's hog?"

"No, but getting a lot warmer though."

"Filthy Rich's daughter?"

Diamond Tiara, now at age 26, was now as sensual and graceful as a swan, and every bit as noisy and tempermental.

"Yes! She's the one! And that makes her the best! And don't I deserve donuts?" Blueblood added with a tone of menace.

"Well, of course, I mean you do, but- what if things go as horribly wrong as they usually do?" Os's question had just the answer from Blueblood:

"Well from the moment when I saw Saw, I laughed...." he answered darkly.


For some stange reason, Blueblood decided to make a big entrance by climbing on the roof.

For even stranger reasons still, the crowd was singing, apparently all about Diamond Tiara.

"She really is a funny girl!
She really is a funny girl!
She really is a funny girl!
She really is a funny girl.....


Blueblood was determined to gain Diamond Tiara's attention, so he used his magic to levitate himself up and down while yodeling.

This got Diamond Tiara's attention all right.

"You have got to be kidding me..."

Blueblood ignored Diamond's remark, and continued his idiot mode.

"He-l-l-l-l-l-l-ooooo Diamond!"

"Bon joure, Blueblood" She said, going back to her book, which she read on a picnic blanket in a suggestive position. Had Blueblood not been in idiot mode, he would have let her be and just admired her posture and body. But he was playing the game on full imbecile mode, so he snatched the book from Diamond with his magic. He made a grin that wrinkled his face that pretty much said "you've been trolled!"

Diamond sighed: "Blueblood, give me my book back."

"No. Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh, yeh-yeh-yeh, yeh-yeh-yeh, oh-ho-ho-ho-hooo..."

Diamond Tiara hated it when Blueblood began that song.

Blueblood loved it when Diamond got annoyed. Then he examined the book; it was titled 50 shades of Neigh. He didn't know what that meant, what it was about, or anything of the sort, and frankly, he didn't care. He just wanted Diamond's attention.

"How can you read this? There's no pictures!!"

Luckily for her, Diamond Tiara knew the art of trolling better than Blueblood himself: "Well, some people use their imaginations, Blueblood."

A horrifically dirty thought crossed into Blueblood's mind; the shocked look on his face was proof (exactly as Diamond planned). Stammering and shaking from fear, he began "D-Di-Diamond, it's about time you got your head out of those books and started thinking about more important things...like porn."

Filthy's male hookers gave passionate sighs in response to this charming statement.

Blueblood went on; he was hoping to coax Diamond into letting him go to bed with her...

"The whole town's talking...about how...lonely...you are...and you know what mare do when they get lonely?"

Diamond didn't answer.

Blueblood did: "Soon she starts getting ideas...and...thinking..." before Blueblood could finish, Diamond Tiara proved that she knew what Blueblood wanted better than he did: "Your highness, you are positively evil," she said with a smile.

"Why, thank you Diamond!" And at that moment, Blueblood switched his game from idiot mode to absolute idiot mode.

Diamond could see the change on his face, and she liked Blueblood when he was going full idiot mode. She hated basic idiot mode, but when she proved she screwed with Blueblood's strategies, he immediately turned super-idiot, and she liked getting him in such a mode.

She would have liked to stay, now that she was in charge of this conversation, but she heard a small "boom", and with a small sigh, she knew what had to be done: "I have to go inside, and make sure my dad doesn't kill himself."

"Ha!" burst in Os. "That crazy old loon!"

"Don't talk about her father that way!" Blueblood shrieked.

Diamond Tiara appreciated the patronizing, but she also found it to be slightly forced and annoying; with a roll of her eyes, she corrected Blueblood:

"My father is crazy: He's a genie."

And with that, a powerful explostion that shattered all the windows and toppled part of the walls to Filthy Rich's house proved her point.

Author's Note:

"Oszukac" is Polish for "fool" and a Tarpan looks like this:

And yes, to some small extent, this is also meant to parody bad fan-fiction.

And yes, Pokey Pierce is the pony equivalent of Prince in this reality.

I based this particular chapter largely around these YTPs.

And yes, this is 15 years after FiM, so this is a 36-year-old Blueblood and a 26-year-old DT, who looks like this:

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