2nd & 3rd Cards: Jobs & Romance
With Wall Breaker at his side, Agent Coltson walked through the ANUS housing all of the pertinent data gathered over the years of observing Twilight Sparkle.
"Wow, it's amazing how much footage BUTTS has collected on just one mare," Wall Breaker mused as they walked through an enormous warehouse filled floor-to-ceiling with rows upon rows of shelves, and each shelf contained dozens of crystals.
"Yep, each crystal is enchanted to contain a piece of surveillance, sorted by subject matter, date and time," Agent Coltson explained to the guard. "As erratic as Twilight's magical surges can be, it's vital to store absolutely everything."
Wall Breaker looked around as they reached an intersection, and took note of the labels at the end of each shelf. "There sure are a lot of rows for 'Twilight Sparkle taking a bath.'"
"Princess Celestia's orders. Water has unique properties that interact with unicorn magic, so she insisted that we be especially vigilant in our surveillance during times when she's likely to be surrounded by it."
Wall Breaker quizzically tilted his head. "Really? I've never heard--"
"Princess. Celestia. Insisted," Coltson replied, pointedly enunciating each word. "Now, then, it should be around this way... ah!"
Coltson led Wall Breaker through the maze of shelves until they reached an unmarked blue door. Pushing it open revealed a room filled with banks of monitors, which were staffed by goats who mostly just seemed to stare blankly at the screens. Walking over toward one screen in particular, Coltson looked at it and saw the Twilights gathered in the training room.
Tapping the nearest goat on the shoulder, Agent Coltson chuckled and asked, "Say, can you rewind that feed back to when Seafoam first came in? I'd like to get a copy, if that's okay."
The goat looked at him with a blank, creepy stare for a few seconds, but then bleated in the affirmative and began working the controls. A nearby screen that was simply showing Twilight Sparkle's bathtub got switched to the feed of the training room and began rewinding while the real-time video continued beside it.
As the two stallions waited for the one screen to go back to the requested point, Coltson and Wall Breaker saw Zapapple Delight throwing a bit of a tantrum. "Wow, she sure got angry about something," Wall Breaker mused.
"Not too surprising. In some ways, the society she's from is still stuck in the dark ages. Especially in her version of Canterlot."
Wall Breaker nodded. "So I suppose we'll want to attach the 'Dark' tag to her Functionality in Canterlot?"
Agent Coltson shrugged. "Probably, but I don't think they even have a fic yet. Still, I wonder what set her off this time?"
"Only one way to find out," Wall Breaker replied, reaching for the volume knob. "Ow!" he exclaimed as an exceptionally large jot of static electricity shot from his hoof into the equipment. "Huh. I didn't even notice any carpeting on the way here."
Coltson narrowed his eyes, staring at Wall Breaker's hoof. "Hold on a second..." Kneeling down in front of Wall Breaker, he held the other stallion's hoof in front of his face.
"Agent Coltson, are you... proposing to me?" Wall Breaker asked. "Because I'm flattered, but Princess Misty is the jealous type, so I doubt she'd let you join--"
The guard was cut off as Coltson glared at him, then pointed down at a small device latched onto his hoof armor. Coltson then scraped it off and set it on the table in order to get a closer look. "It's... much smaller than any model I've ever seen, but it looks like a tiny surveillance device. Wall Breaker, did you come into contact with anypony who could have put this on you?"
"I don't think so," Wall Breaker replied. "I went to get Director Night Light his coffee, went to Ponpan and helped defeat a giant dragon/vampire duo, then his implant went off, I had a little chat with one of the Twilights, then I fixed the thermostat and met up with you."
Coltson blinked. "Wait... one of the Twilights? Which one?"
Wall Breaker shrugged. "I dunno, they all look alike to me. Why?"
"Because around that time, the only Twilights who weren't in the training room or the aquarium were together in the break room! And that means..." Trailing off, Coltson yanked the headset off of one of the goats and started fiddling with the knob on the side, filling his ear with static while Wall Breaker leaned in close to listen in. "How do you work this thing...? Director? Director!"
After a few seconds of adjusting the settings, Coltson heard the comms channel clear up. "Director Night Light, this is Agent Coltson! I have reason to believe that there's a rogue Twilight in the facility, and she's managed to sneak some sort of transmitter into the ANUS. I repeat, sir, we have a bug in our BUTTS!"
"Ohhhh mmmmyyyy!"
Agent Coltson frowned. "Wha... who is this?"
"Sounds like George Takei. I think you misdialed," Wall Breaker replied.
Grumbling to himself, Coltson went back to fiddling with the settings until a nasal voice asked, "Director Night Light's office. What is the nature of your call?"
Sighing in relief, Coltson replied, "This is Agent Coltson. Tell the director that we have a security leak in the ANUS, and--"
Coltson found himself cut off by a sudden burst of laughter from the other end of the line, the voice transitioning to Twilight Sparkle's "... Wow, I'm sorry, but you guys are drek at acronyms. I haven't seen fails that epic since my last Hedgemazes & Humans campaign. Fraggin' Marketing Department boss..."
Coltson looked to the monitor showing the training room, and just like before, every Twilight that didn't have to be held in a water tank was gathered in there. "And who are you? Are you with the League, or...?"
"Me? Just think of me as a concerned citizen, chummer." This time, the voice didn't come from Coltson's earpiece, but from the monitors all around him. As he looked around the room, icons started to cover each screen with images of a highly stylized purple unicorn's face sticking her tongue out while a speech balloon read, 'Naughty-naughty! No peeping!'
As Coltson's jaw dropped, the new Twilight continued speaking. "Specifically, I'm concerned about ponies who like to spy on others from the shadows. That's right, I'm in your system right now, rummaging through all your dirty laundry. Once I get the good stuff, I'm blowing your ANUS open wider than Burrito Wednesday."
Coltson's ears flattened with worry while Wall Breaker shouted, "Dun dun DUNNN!"
Truth, Dare, or Drink
by CrowMagnon
Zapapple's hoof hovered over the stacks as she thought for a few seconds before picking up the top card of the 'Deeds' stack. "What's yer current occupation? Well that's easy. Apple farmer! Aside from tendin' to the trees, Ah handle the bookkeepin', too."
Princess Aurora nodded and answered, "As for me, I serve as head of state for Equestria, as well as tending to the night sky. And with Morning Star growing more settled into his role as an equal diarch, I've found myself able to take a little time to personally teach a few courses in advanced magical theory at Aurora's Academy for Gifted Ponies."
"Yeah, an' only unicorns count as 'gifted,' Ah bet," Zapapple groused quietly.
"Oh, hardly!" Aurora asserted. "Education benefits every pony. Besides, I myself possess traits of all three tribes, so why should a school with my name attached to it focus solely on one? That just sounds horribly regressive to me." The Princess noticed, however, that even as she asked that question, several of her counterparts (each of them graduates of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns) suddenly felt the need to clear their throats and focus their attention on various random spots around the room.
Dusk coughed into his hoof as he told the others, "Well, um... I'm a Prince, but I'm usually only involved with governing when Prince Solaris and Prince Artemis are kidnapped by evil plants... or going on vacation with my big sister, my brother-in-law, and Lady Tsunami while her capricorns get prepared to horribly murder us all..." He cast a sideways glance at Seafoam, who rolled her eyes. "So... aside from that, I've got an ongoing project to restore Solaris and Artemis's old castle, but mostly I still work out of the Ponyville library."
"Well, aside from some of them being total pansies who can't take an obvious joke (seriously, like any capricorn would ever actually follow through with some 'Doomsday Plot') I'll admit it's nice to see a few versions of Equestrian royalty who do more than spend all day wiggling their useless pink asses," Seafoam said. "When Lord Tydal granted me a royal title, it came with the responsibility of commanding the eastern guard. I'm also heavily involved in our army's Research and Development division." Her mouth spread apart in a wide, toothy grin. "I'm especially fond of the field-testing phase."
"And I find myself both intrigued and disturbed..." Captain murmured before telling them, "As for me, I'm a member of Luna's Rangers, ever since... ever since Princess Luna returned, and I left the Guard."
"I'm sorry, I'm a little confused," Faith said. "Wouldn't Luna's soldiers be a part of the Guard?"
Captain shook her head. "Oh, no, it's a civilian organization, though we do operate with the crown's blessing. It was founded roughly a thousand years ago, soon after our Princess Luna fell into a thousand year sleep. The founder, Nyx, became known as the first Ranger by roaming Equestria and protecting ponies from monsters that started lurking in the night without Princess Luna's influence to keep them in check. When other ponies started banding together to follow her example, they started calling themselves Luna's Rangers as an homage to the fallen princess."
Abstract Twilight rubbed her chin in thought. "Nyx... Nyx... why is that name familiar? It sounds like an OC..."
"Not the name of any Oceanic Creature I've ever heard of," Seafoam replied.
"I do not know what a Nyx is, but it sounds divisive," Rollypolly mused from under Aurora's wing.
Twicora asked Captain, "Anyway, regarding their origins, you have given us a view. But what is it that you and your Rangers actually do?"
"Oh, right. Well, our job is to keep dangerous animals out of inhabited areas. The contract varies from region to region, but towns and counties arrange to keep a small detachment of Rangers trained and ready to prevent monster attacks. Ever since I was promoted to Captain of the entire Everfree region, I've had to ensure that we have enough personnel to patrol the outskirts of Ponyville and the surrounding trade roads."
"Maybe you should put on a mask and go freelance. A lot less red tape that way, and Mare-Do-Well could use a stand-in for when she needs to make public appearances," GL teased before addressing the others. "As for me, I'm a full-time member of the Green Lantern Corp."
Focusing her will through the ring on her horn, GL summoned her uniform around herself. "As a member of the Corp, it's my duty to protect my sector from space-faring criminals, and keep the peace among the worlds in my jurisdiction."
"Hey, you didn't say the chant this time! Does this mean you don't always have to say the rhyme?"
"You mean the Green Lantern Corp's oath? Well... technically, I only need to say it when I'm charging my power ring."
With a wry smirk, Abstract Twi retorted, "So the rest of the time, it's just for dramatic effect, huh?"
GL stuck her tongue out at the metal-winged alicorn. "I bet you're just jealous that you don't have a cool thing to say when you're about to beat some bad guy's flank into the ground."
"No, that's my department," Faith interjected. "And I'm more of a 'dissect their motivations and verbally eviscerate their reason for being' sort of abstract."
Aurora laughed at that and asked GL, "You say you monitor many other worlds? You must be stretched awfully thin!"
"Actually, not as much as you'd think. All things considered, sector 2812 is a pretty peaceful corner of the universe. There's the occasional band of space pirates, but most of the problems in the worlds under my jurisdiction are things that the locals can solve themselves without a super-powered space cop breathing down their necks. In fact, out of all the worlds in sector 2812, my home planet is so rich in valuable minerals and resources compared to others that it's like a magnet for creeps like Larfleeze. And even compared to the rest of the world, the nation of Equestria has so many supervillains in it that, yeah, I check in on other planets periodically, but most of the action I see is right in my own back yard."
"I see. That must be both convenient and distressing," Aurora observed.
GL shrugged. "Well, it does let me stay close to home, and to the ponies I care about. Besides, it gives me more time to work as leader of the Super Friends of Equestria. Funny story, just the other day, we had a group meeting and Lord Tydal was running late, so--"
"Woah, woah, woah!" Seafoam quickly interrupted, causing Dusk and Captain to lean away as her tail started lashing angrily. "Horseapples! I call horseapples! Lord Tydal... THE Lord Tydal is in your 'Super Friends' group... and you're the leader?"
GL blinked in surprise at the sudden outburst. "Well... yeah."
Seafoam pointed her hoof at the superhero. "You are the leader. Not the God of War and of the Sea, who has accumulated millennia of experience and skills in both combat and leadership. You're saying that he... is subservient to you. No offense, but I've seen what you can do. You're pretty good, but you aren't that good."
GL opened her mouth to let out a retort, but then paused a moment to think about it. "Huh. You know, when you put it that way... I guess it's just never really come up before. It's not like I order him around or anything. It's just up to me to set the overall strategy when we're acting as a group, and he's usually okay with whatever I come up with. And when he isn't, he makes sure to let me know exactly why."
Seafoam settled down a bit and sat back on her cushion. "Well... I guess that does sound a bit more like him..."
While GL let her uniform vanish, Faith said, "As for me and my partner, we are mostly working to help the nation rebuild from a war that our Equestria suffered through a few years ago."
"A war...? How bad was it?" Captain asked.
With a bitter grimace, Abstract Twilight replied, "Not nearly as bad as it could have been, but a hell of a lot worse than it should have been..." Cutting off Faith with a hoof over his mouth when he looked about to elaborate, she added, "Sorry, it's kind of a sore subject, and it would take way too long to explain from start to finish. We've got good ponies, abstracts, and a few others working with us, though, so aside from a few... interruptions by the occasional raving megalomaniac, things are going about as well as they could be."
Faith nodded and grinned to GL. "Indeed. I don't suppose you and your superhero friends would be willing to come by now and then as pest-control?"
"Just shine a Green Lantern signal up at the night sky, and I'll be right there," the hero replied with a laugh before looking to Twicora. "That makes you the last one up, Twicora. What's your job?"
The zebra-taught unicorn replied, "One could say that I remain a student, as I am forever learning, but that is more a by-product of my mind's constant yearning. Through Zecora's teachings, I tend to the frail and the sick with all manner of remedies herbal and alchemic. She has also taught me the ways of the world of spirit, so that I may face the darkness on behalf of those who fear it."
Under her breath, Captain murmured to herself, "First gods, then spirits... seriously...? What next, Zombie Twilight?"
Despite the hushed tone she kept her voice at, GL overheard the last four words and leaned in to whisper, "I sure hope not. Black Lanterns are some of the last things we need right now."
Captain sighed. "Yeah... Wait, what?"
While this was going on, Twicora was already in the middle of drawing the next card. Lifting up the top of the 'Relationships' stack, she read aloud. "'Are you single, dating, or married?' Hehe, well, this question is bound to make Abstract Twi feel harried." Said Twilight's cheeks flushed noticeably as Twicora answered for herself. "Well, I hope it doesn't make me sound like a jerk, but I'm pretty much married to my work. I start mixing potions at sunrise, and when the day is done I don't have time for stallions, be they zebra, pony, or otherwise."
Zapapple nodded. "Well, y'all know mah answer already. Married to the most hunkalicious stallion in Ponyville."
"I can't help but envy you a little, Zapapple," Aurora wistfully replied. "Unfortunately, being the Princess of the Night carries with it certain... connotations. For whatever reason, my little ponies seem to think that if I'm not a pure, untouchable virgin, then I must be a hedonistic sexual predator who pounces nubile stallions and mares in the night."
Aurora shook her head, her ever-present smile showing obvious strain as she added, "Forced to choose between the two, I prefer the former, but is a little middle ground too much to ask for? Just a little? I haven't had a special somepony in six centuries, and now that my brother's back... Ugh, you don't want to know."
Dusk groaned and rolled his eyes. "I can actually guess. The closest thing I've had to a relationship in years was a one-time fling with a griffoness named Harmony Grabber. Thanks mostly to Mr. and Mrs. Cake, though, it turns out half of Ponyville thinks my friends and I are shacking up together in every possible combination. Seriously, can't six guys hang out at the gym, have a picnic, or have sleepovers without other ponies thinking there's something else going on? My friends and I are close, sure. Our destinies have been intertwined since we were colts, but that doesn't mean anything romantic, right?"
There was a long, drawn-out moment of silence before Seafoam put a hoof on his shoulder and told him, "Dusk...? That is, without a doubt, the absolute gayest thing I've ever heard."
"And also pretty hot," Twicora added, suddenly causing everypony to stare at her wide-eyed. Realizing that they were all looking her way, Twicora's stripe-painted cheeks started burning red as she stammered, "D-did I say that out loud? I-I was just joking, of course not!"
With both Dusk and Twicora looking ready to crawl under the table and die, Seafoam snickered for a bit, only to end up sighing. "Unfortunately, I can't say I'm doing much better on that score. Between my work and keeping in touch with the friends I made when Lord Tydal sent me to Ponyville, I haven't really had much time for anything serious. There is one guy, Narwhal Razorfin, in my dad's scouting detachment I've flirted with a bit, but our schedules never seem to line up."
Captain nodded sympathetically. "It's tough, though at least I have my friends to help me break out of my shell and play wingmare for me from time to time. I've dated a few stallions... *cough* and mares..." She glanced from side to side, looking at her counterparts to see if any of them were judging her over it, but even Zapapple, whom she had assumed would be the most conservative of the group, was just looking at her without so much as a raised eyebrow.
The raised eyebrows belonged to GL instead, but the teasing little smirk took any threat of judgement out of her expression. "Oh? I didn't know your barn door swung both ways, Captain."
Captain blushed, shyly tapping the tips of her hooves together. "W-well it didn't exactly come up while we were drawing up battle plans, but... yeah, I guess so. I mean, I never really thought about it much, because the only relationship I'd been in before I left the Guard was with a stallion, but my version of Ponyville... well, the gender ratios are heavily skewed there, so when I moved there, I ended up with a lot of... invitations on my first Hearts & Hooves Day."
GL playfully elbowed her Ranger counterpart in the ribs. "Sounds like you've got some fun stories to me. As for myself, I guess I'm with Zapapple in the lucky few. I'm not married yet, but I've been seeing this pegasus stallion in the Guard for a while now, and we're getting pretty serious. His name's Flash, and--"
Captain's eyes suddenly bugged out. "Wait... Flash? Pegasus? Flash Sentry?"
GL blinked at the interruption. "Yeah. How'd you know...?" She trailed off as a sly grin spread across her face. "Wait a minute, don't tell me, your Flash is the one--"
"--I dated when I was a cadet in the Guard. Yeah." The two looked at each other and simultaneously mused, "Some coincidence, huh?"
"Well, I'm going to take a drink. All this talk about romance is giving me a headache that makes me want to kill it with another headache," Abstract Twilight said, reaching for the bottle of Starshine with her magic, only to have it yanked from her aura by Princess Aurora.
"Careful, there, this liquor has to be portioned out very carefully," Aurora warned. Looking to Faith, she asked, "And will you be joining your companion?"
The silver alicorn smirked at Abstract Twilight and mused, "Oh, I want to soak in this moment for a while, first. Who exactly was it who called me a 'baby' earlier for trying to dodge a question?"
The alicorn of the stars responded by fixing Faith with a stink-eye that would have done a family of skunks proud. "I am going to get drunk, and if you don't join me, I am going to tell them exactly what you have waiting for you back home. Unless you want me to tell them alllll about Teeeeee..."
Faith's grin wavered. "Oh, come on, seriously?"
"Arrrrr..."
Faith brought a hoof to his face. "Ergh, fine, I'll drink! But only because I know how you'd tell the story."
Abstract Twi turned to Aurora with a horseapple-eating grin. "Two glasses, please."
Princess Aurora chuckled and summoned two shot glasses. She then popped open the bottle and very, very carefully tipped it over each of them. A tiny splash of shimmering, shining liquid was poured into each one, barely enough to cover the bottom. Abstract Twilight and Faith both leaned in close to examine the miniscule amount, then looked up at the regal alicorn with a quizzical look.
"Trust me," she said with a mischievous smile.
Both alicorns took a glass up in their magic and raised them up. They looked into each other's eyes, and Faith said, "Well, as they say in Ponpan..."
"Kampai," Abstract Twilight replied, and the two of them tilted their heads and glasses back to let the glowing liquor slide down their throats.
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He's going to help the native Mane 6 restore the castle? How very thoughtful of him.
3959486 *facepalms*
Thanks for catching that.
That was absoultely funny to read. I love Dusk's comment.
I was laughing so hard. Great job. this goes into my favorites without a doubt. I am sad though that Captain of the wonderbolts sparkle or Twilight from Flipside is going to be there. I would have loved to hear them answer these questions.
Well, this was an interesting chapter and I enjoyed it.
I honestly thought either Seafoam or Zapaaple would the first to drink, oh well should be interesting to see the aftereffects. Also liked the inclusion of the cold opening, will this become an arc of its own?
3959671
3959703
Thanks, glad you guys are liking it.
3959764
Yeah, well your FACE is... not...bad...
3960016
That's the plan!
It's official, Flash Sentry is the multiversal waifu-stealer.
3960850 Ha!
Only in GL's case. For Captain, he's more 'That guy I went out with for a while when I was young and awkward, and neither of us had any idea what we were doing.' The sort of relationship that you look back on and laugh, but not without cringing a little at how much of a dope you were.
I'm not sure which Twi this is, but I like her.
3961010 Which one? The one in the cold open? If so, I hope you like the two others I want to slip in here. I'm not going to go crazy and flood BUTTS with alternate Twilights, but I did get the green light to include a few in this story.
Ah, George Takei, the patron saint of Internet Comedy.
loyal2Luna's Twilight from her Mass Effect crossover would be good for this story.
3967370 Thanks, glad you're having fun.
She's actually one of the ones I was thinking of including. If the lovely Ms. Loyal gives the okay when I get around to asking, of course.
Ohhhhhhhh Myyyyyyy!
Dammit, George Takei gets me every time. He was awesome on Star Wars!
...You'll all hate me for that.
I know it's Star Trek, BTW.
3973294 You've got defender to thank for that one. That was one of the gags he suggested.
3973562
Yeah, defender is one of the best authors on this site, in my opinion. He can write fantastic comedy, while also being able to write compelling and creative drama. He also loves Pokemon, an interest he and I both share.
This won't end well, it'll be funny, but won't end well... CAN'T WAIT!
Soooo... Twicora is a Yaoi Fan-Girl, I swear there's in every group.
4038766 Hey, thanks! Glad you've been enjoying it, and the next chapter shouldn't be much of a wait.
And yeah, I figured at least ONE of them should be, and for some reason it seemed funniest to me when coming from the 'spiritual mystic' of the group.
3963224
Just like Jean Luc Picard is the Saint Patron of Facepalms.
I'm not sure if I do or do not want to know the government abbreviations they use in Dusk's world.
Gotta love Green Lanterns. Just in general, really, but GL Twilight for certain too.
Given the other two Flashs mentioned this chapter, is this Narwhal Razorfin a capricorn version of him?
4142040
Pretty much, though really you could insert the image of a capricorn version of any male character you want.
Hatred of Surveillance... Skill at hacking... Slang that is equal parts obnoxious and endearing...Yep, we've got Shadowrun.
Bullsh*t.
Hah.
DAMMIT TAKEI!
Goddammit Nappa.
Aurora has a point.
You would be.
It is.
Yep, but being hammy is fun.
Yep.
Fair enough.
Poor you.
Good god! Could you imagine? But, a Solomon Grundy Twilight would be amazing!
.......... This sounds veeeeeery suspicious
You know... in hindsight... letting a bunch of Twilight Sparkles get drunk is probably not a good idea