• Member Since 16th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

Mr101


Fimfiction's sexiest robot, how do you do?

T

I'm... not sure what happened. I remember the unicorn guy, what was his name? Starmswill the Tearded? I don't know, names are kinda off for me right now. So anyway, there I was with this unicorn then, BOOM! I found myself in the middle of his laboratory, albeit ruined.

Bit strange, isn't it?

So I started to walk, following this odd looking stripey thing, and found this cute little town. Seriously, it's utterly adorable.

And that's when I saw her, the lovely Celestia... ah, it sends my gears a flutter! Although I don't know who the blue alicorn is... or the lavender one... wait, I don't know anyone here apart from Celestia!


Thanks to Infinite Carnage for pre-reading and Draconian Soul with help on Zecora. Go check out their stuff! Cover art was done by myself.

Chapters (15)
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Comments ( 618 )

This looks very interesting!:rainbowkiss:

YES! IT'S HERE! Time to lose what shreds of what remains of my damned soul to this fic. Lovely picture, btw.:heart:

He seems quite conversational and witty, judging from the cover art that is. Better dive in then!

Umm...did Starswirl try to transfer his mind into an immortal mechanical body to be with Celestia forever, only for it to not work quite right?

Blueblood, who had asked to join them this year, sat beside his aunt, yawning and tapping his hood on the edge of the carriage clearly bored out of his mind.

Its hoof not hood:ajbemused:

Very good, but not enough shrek

I will read this later okay? I have... stuff to do. But, from the title and description alone, I give it a thumb! :twilightsmile:

What a marvellous concept! You also made the chapters overlay each other rather well.

Just one thing:

As its gears wired inside its head

Do gears wire? I think you might mean ground.

4213474
Thank you. :twilightsmile: And thanks for the error spot, fixed it. :twilightblush: Left over from an earlier version of the sentence.

4213394
Your welcome:twilightsmile:

It swung its heavy fist again and again into the stomach of the beast as it did its best to prevent the beat from getting the pony creature.

beast not beat.

4213481

Anything for the senior deity of the Youngverse. :twilightsmile:

4213547

Deciding the best course of action was to apologise to the pony creature then carry on his task, the machine slowly stomped off after the pony creature, leaving the splintered remains of the timberwolf behind it.

Replace the s with a z.

4213570
Actually, that one isn't an error. It's one of those US v UK spellings, you guys use a Z and we use an S. Both are correct though. :twilightsmile:

4213588 I actually prefer the UK spelling myself but not alot of my English teachers accepted it. :ajbemused:

but not alot of my English teachers accepted it.

I actually had to re-read that before I burst out laughing. :rainbowlaugh:

I find some Americanisms odd.

Brilliant! Simply brilliant i can't wait to se where this is going :pinkiehappy:

4213588
Fair enough, quick question. Is the automaton Star Swirl's conscience inside a metal shell?

Deep within the Everfree forest not to far from the old castle of the royal siblings, the soft glow of the moonlight filled a small ruined tower.

too, not to

4213731
I cannot confirm or deny that. :trollestia:
4213733
Fix'd, thank you for pointing that out. :twilightsmile:

Excellent start on this Mr101!! I am really looking forward to seeing more in the future. :twilightsmile:

4213731 The answer to that questions is... Wait what?
img.pandawhale.com/38964-spoilers-gif-zEQX.gif
Oh right. Sorry, looks like you'll just have to wait to find out.

4213745
Hmm, something tells me I guessed your endgame and/or subplot.:trixieshiftright:

4213801
I cannot confirm or deny that. :trollestia:

Aww, Celestia has a giant steampunk robot fanboy.:heart:
...:rainbowderp:
I am torn as to how to feel about this.:trixieshiftright:

4213394 dear lord that penguin's eyes are creepy.

I do like how oblivious it is to its intimidation factor. just waving at ponyville? :rainbowlaugh:

I have so many "Iron Giant" vibes from this.

“Twilight… it’s like, three thirty. I know you’re are a princess and all, but can’t we do this later?”

You're is short for you are, I'd get rid of the 'are'.

Twilight snapped her head to look at him, sending a chill down the drakes body as her left eye twitched, “No we can’t, Spike! I need to be sure that everything is going to go smoothly today!”

Period after twitched

“But I want the Summer Solstice Celebration to go well, remember what happened when Ponyville held the Summer Sun Celebration’?”

I would suggest changing this to 'the last time Ponyville'

Spike winced and held his head, a soft throbbing forming as he watched the pink mare bounce into the library,

Everything else is in the past tense, why isn't this?

“OH DEAR CELESTIA, PLEASE DON’T TELL ME SOMETHING BAD’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!

This doesn't seem to be phrased like a question.

“I know, but just incase I have all my instruments ready. You never know!” Pinkie beamed.

This one is pretty self explanatory.

“Mhm, I mean, I think something bad might happen at first but that won’t last to long,” the pink mare said.

Too

“Well, I’d better get back to the bakery. Those cupcakes won’t bake themselves! See you later, Twilight.”

Unnecessary comma.

“Hmm?” Twilight said as she shook her head. “Oh, okay, I guess we can. The Princess’ won’t arrive for ”

What? How long are the princesses going to take to get there?

The Summer Solstice Celebration was due to start in an hour or so time and could only be started when she herself arrived to announce its start.

I would suggest using 'an hour or so' or 'an hours time' not both of them.

“You were playing that infernal games contraption again, weren’t you?”

This makes no sense, grammatical or otherwise. Anyway, I would put 'infernal gaming contraption', that way it's actually a contraption and not a slur on Celestia's part.

Uhuh,” Celestia replied, clearly not buying it.

I would sepperate this, like so, 'Uh-huh'

Blueblood started. “And I figures the Summer Solstice Celebration is a good place to start, Ponyville is a small town after all.

Figure.

“I am, nothing has gone wrong so far. We’re on schedule, and the Princess’ will be here any moment

run on sentence as well as a missed comma, see the little red dot? Yeah, add that dot and replace its circular cousin with one and it'll be good. Also, princess' is possessive, princesses is plural.

“Who, what, where?” Spike said,

This makes little sense considering the situation, while not technically wrong, something like, 'Rarity? Where? Spike said' would make more sense from the reader's point of view.

As she walked, she couldn’t help feel more and more that she was being watched in the shadows of the trees.

Why Is Zecora in the trees and not whatever is watching her?

As she past a tree, she heard a low growl and immediately snapped her head in the direction of the growl and her eyes went wide, coming face to face with a large timberwolf.

Passed, I would also put the second part in the part tense. 'and her eyes went wide as she came face to face with a large timberwolf.' Like that.

I warning you right now, if you don’t leave, I’ll put you down,”

Make it 'I'm warning you' or I warn you'

“I tell no joke, this vials contents will reduce you to ash and smoke!”

you have plural vials here, vial's is possessive.

Zecora decided enough was enough and hurled the vialt at the wooden creature as hard as she could.

What's a vialt?

Eventually, zecora was able to use her smaller size and managed to put some distance between the two,

Capitalization

As it grabbed the wolf from both ends and brought it up then down violently over its knee, snapping the wolf’s spine, the zebra saw this as the opportune moment to run and scarpered as fast as she could.

While it is correct, I would use something less unknown to the average reader.

All in all, very good. The plot is original, and aside from a few grammatical errors very well executed. I approve.:twilightsmile:

you know, I expected for the metal creature to be misunderstood and driven away. Even if he is in hiding, he is determined to get his Celestia even though their "love" might never be..... or can it!?

Really nice story so far, has a bunch of mistakes along the way, but overall good ... Id advise you to get a proofreader :pinkiehappy:

Though i really like the story' the first and the second chapter seems to be complete copies of one and other ... Though one has more detail

4214200 Wow... I didn't even notice any of those mistakes.

… Whatever the hell this thing is, I wanna find out. Consider me a loyal follower!

red emeralds

Um, I'm greatly confused here. Emeralds aren't inherently red, rather a shade of green. Are you perhaps looking for rubies; which are red, or did you just use the emeralds name as a description since they're another kind of gem?

Ah! Of course! It all makes sense!

4214934 Not always - Red beryls are also called 'Red Emeralds' or 'Scarlet Emeralds'.

4214934
Actually, there is a type of emerald that is inherently red. According to Wikipedia, anyway. It is extremely rare, and is found primarily in Utah.

“I warning you right now, if you don’t leave, I’ll put you down,” she threatened the timberwolf.

I'm assuming that the "I warning you" part was intentional, but maybe replace the comma at the end with a period?

I'm going to assume for a moment that the robot is Archimedes.
He kinda reminds me of Big Daddy.

Interesting! It has mistakes but I like the idea!
I will be waiting on this!

Before you fall! AVOID COMMON CLICHES! I FREKKING HATE THAT.

:scootangel:

4215102
4215102 Okay that makes more sense. Thanks for clearing that up.

HAHAHA!! Oh that's Priceless!

I can just Imagine it! :rainbowlaugh:

4215214
Actually, no. The quote and the non-quote are all part of the same sentence.

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