• Member Since 25th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen May 13th, 2014

DarkMoonPony_117


T

Fluttershy is attacked by a group of ponies and Rainbow dash comes to the rescue. A few awkward moments later, feelings blossom.

I'm not good at writing descriptions, this is my first official fanfiction please be gentle.
I hope you guys like it and i would love if you suggested some nice art for it.

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 14 )

Well the idea seem very appealing, but as a reader it could've been a little longer and could've use more work on the setting. Also be very descriptive of how feelings and conflicts are aroused because readers enjoy that a lot. That being that, I found the story to be really enjoyable. Good job :moustache:

3868161 Thank you for telling me that. I am new to writing fan fiction and im glad you told me that, i will start to revise the chapters i have written. :twilightblush:

Its a good start, better than most of my stuff, but you need to slow down, lik ealot, it seems really rushed, and you could have eveloped th story a little bit more, and maybe you could be a little more descriptive, and take your time with the romantic scenes. You need alot of work but not bad. sorry that was a little harsh XD:rainbowlaugh:

Like he said give your characters some time to breathe and then add a little bit more description :moustache:

3892158
You weren't harsh it was true :twilightblush: thanks for commenting though

Need more description, take it slowly, the characters need more interactions too. And the thing with Sweet Apple Acres came so sundenlly. Check some other fanfics so you can get an idea and why not a proof reader to help you a little bit.

Best advice I can think of is think of this is to play each character out. describe What they are doing, as well as talking.

As an example:

Fluttershy nodded and replied meekly.

“What about Applebloom, Granny Apple and Big Macintosh?”

Could be rewritten: "Fluttershy nodded and replied quietly as she looked around in fear, "What about Applebloom, Granny Apple, and Big Mac?"

Or U could of used worried instead of fear. if U want help Ill be more than happy to give it too you.

3919789

Thanks like i said i am new and help would be brilliant :twilightblush:
I was unsure of posting in the first place, so any advice would be great fully accepted. :pinkiehappy:

3921492

NP. if U want I can send U my email. or invite U to the chatroom I own/run

3921514
:twilightsmile: that would be awesome if you sent me an email :ajsleepy: unfortunately the internet i use has a lot of proxies so i probably won't be able to go on a chat room, but that is really cool that you own one :raritystarry:

3921706

sent my email to ya TTYS

You need to work on spelling, correct capitalization, correct word usage, and grammer.

Big thing: it's Rainbow Dash not Rainbow dash.

3924305
Sorry about that, like i said im new to writing, im getting advice from another person already.

A good way for a new writer to learn things is to read, read, read! ...and to sharpen up a little on grammar and spelling.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!