Mischmasch

by SpiralWriter

The Guntoter's Tale

A small light began to glimmer at the edge of my vision, the soothing darkness of rest retreating to make way for the waking world to take over my senses."Five more minutes..."I grumbled, turning over in my daze, expecting comforting and welcoming bedsheets to greet me, but harsh, solid ground took it's place as I tumbled to the dirt.

"Get up, ya idjit."Alamo's oh-so comforting voice rang in my ears.

"Five...more....minuteeeeessss...."I repeatedly hissed exasperatedly, sprawled out across the floor in the most unfitting of ways, dust from the terrain filling up my mouth and nostrils as I spoke, but I didn't care. My entire body was aching, every last inch of fur and scales begging me to stay still and recuperate.

"I'm not picking you back up."An unknown, deeper voice remarked nearby. I slowly craned my neck up to see a figure of a buffalo outlined in the dissipating sun overhead, just a corner of the sky was tinged blue, the rest a fiery dawn that would soon make way for its sister night. I recognized the guy....Running Rock? Little River....some name I would never be able to recall due to its simplicity. Give me a mid to long name, I've got you down. Short and simple, you'll be forgotten. Occasionally it was reversed. My memory likes to fuck with me from time to time."Where...where are we?"I halfheartedly mumbled as I stood back up, wobbling on my feet due to exhaustion. I literally bellowed from the pain of standing back up. Killing an entire colony of monsters and scraping your way up to freedom didn't sound like it would take such a toll back when we were just talking about doing it.

"Few minutes walk out from Appleloosa."Alamo replied from siting atop one of the twin buffalo's back.

"Well look at you, downright comfy."I smirked at him as I began to shuffle alongside the buffalo who had previously carried me, though he didn't seem too eager to give me a lift again."Ugh..."I stretched my back, feeling a good few joints pop in relief."How long was I out?"

"Most of the night, we've been walking for about a day now."The buffalo nearest to me answered. It sounded like me to almost sleep an entire day away."You and Alamo were in the Worm Caves for all of yesterday, and you only appeared in the late afternoon. We found you out cold and Alamo with his firearm readied."He sounded a tad annoyed at the end of his sentence. It was then I noticed a small graze mark on the side of his face, a neat shave line of naked skin against shaggy brown fur.

"Sorry 'bout firing at ya, pardner. Ah was still a mite nervous...a-dreen-oo-line and all that."What was that I heard in the cowpony's voice? Embarrassment? A small smile cracked from my fangs.

As we continued walking, I looked up, off in the distance and nary thirty minutes away, the buildings of Appleloosa arced over the depressing landscape.

Suffice to say, we were given a hero's welcome.

Out from their homes, apple orchards and saloons the ponies of Appleloosa came at us in all of a mob's power, the two buffalo somehow disappearing all together and leaving Alamo and I to take the surge of their multi-colored bodies. We were hefted up onto the top of the crowd by the burliest of the able-bodied cowponies, their cheers long ringing in our ears and into the desert night.

We were brought inside one of the still standing saloons that had been undamaged in the previous attacks, the wooden building packed with just about the entire populace of the small settling. They finally settled us both down to the coughing of the Sheriff, who stood in front of us with a satisfied grin brimmed with his ample facial hair."Ah'm proud of you boys."A nod and a wink at the two of us sent the crowd into an uproar of more cheering, but they were settled down by the lawnpony's raised hoof. obviously they were all ready to celebrate, but the Sheriff needed their excitement to be bottled just for a little longer.

"Alamo, ya done good. Just like you always have."

"Not a problem,"They both tipped their hats. Must be some uber-respect thing cowboy-esque men did, people and ponies alike. Then he turned to me, another hat tip. I just nodded.

"And Oddjob, yer a funny looking fella, but ya get the job done right. Ya saved our town, and we're mighty obliged to ya."

Aww....now I was blushing. Luckily I had scales too thick to see the blood. Green blushing just would've made the situation awkward. Then everybody would hate me again and I'd have to throw myself back into the worm pit.

A small stretch of silence went across the bar, and the Sheriff looked about as if the rest of the quiet ponies were crazy now, his old and craggy eyes showing a glint of mischief beneath their milky pupils."C'mon now ya idjits! We can start the hullabaloo now! Break out the Scotch and Cider! Grab yerself a purty gal or handsome cowpoke ta dance with!"

All at once they exploded into a frenzy of drunken joy and square dancing. I had never seen anybody, whether pony or man, quicken themselves into a stupor faster than these Appleloosians right here. Everywhere my eyes wandered I spotted something that was utterly ridiculous or funny or idiotic or a combination of all three plus a bit of insanity on the side. One table had multiple cowponies seeing who could outdrink one another, a pile of glasses with a bit of the beer's foam in it formed itself on the table. There was no true winner. All they succeeded in doing was collapsing over one another, hiccuping and blathering the total number of drinks they had downed. One stallion claimed he was up to 28. Another, eleventy-thousand. I'll just assume the one with the more reasonable number was correct. Another spot in the bar had what I could tell was a pony equivalent of a fistfight. Two Mares were up on the hind legs, furiously batting away at each with their front hooves. In a moment all seemed forgiven and they were chuckling to one another. Outside I could see a couple of younger foals had somehow managed to get atop the Sheriff's Office, an old shriveled up ball of a mare yelling at them to come down. It was glorious. It was beautiful. It was chaos.

I suddenly jerked my head up at the word still ringing into the folds of my sub-conscience. Why did I just say that? Chaos. Chaos. Chaos. There was something dangerous underlying each syllable, each letter holding a tinge of power. I half enjoyed the feeling of simply thinking such a thought, half despised such a thing crossing my mind. No. Discord had left me alone the past couple of days, but I feared for the rest of Equestria. He bothered the worms enough to send them into a homicidal rage to eat an entire town. What was he going to do to me? Fortunately, his influence didn't seem to affect me at all beyond the fact that I was held together by his magic. I was safe. I was fine.

...Right?

With worry still playing at me hard like a game of Basketball, with me as the ball, I walked across the saloon to seat myself at the counter, the bartender almost immediately dashing up to me with a smile for the service. Huh. Saving an entire town must automatically boost the whole 'reputation' thing with them. Now, if they could just get past my devilishly handsome Frankenstein looks...

"What can Ah get ya, Oddjob?"

I turned my head to the side, a barmaid busily guzzling down what appeared to be frothy apple juice. i knew better."I'll have what she's having."I jabbed my clawed thumb through the air at her.

"Anythin' else?"

"....What do you have to eat other than hay?"

He nodded and dashed off to get whatever I just ordered. As I waited, impatiently tapping my claws along the countertop, careful not to make any scratches in the wood, the poncho-wearing pony Alamo came up and settled himself right beside me, greeting me with the customary ten-gallon hat tip."Howdy Oddjob."

"'Sup Alamo."

We kinda just sat there, letting the rambunctious noise around us fill in what could be our conversation. Quicker than a minute's time the bartender returned, setting down a tall bottle of the alcoholic drink I chose along with a plate of not just hay, but stacked as high as it could be with an assortment of everything edible with apples. He even brought Alamo a jug of what I assumed was moonshine, considering the bottle had that funny little three X's labeled across it. I took my own bottle, uncorked it, and set it up high in the air."Cheers mate."I grinned at him."Eeyup."He replied, the two of us clinking our drinks together. We reared our heads back, titled our bottles, and down the hatch went the combination of cold and burn of apple cider down my throat. I coughed and sputtered a bit. Stuff was powerful, but left an overwhelming sweet taste in my mouth a refreshing feeling in my gut. G'Damn, the Apple family knew how to make them some cider.

"Sooo...."I began after a few more controlled sips of my own drink. Alamo was downing his like no tomorrow and appeared more sober than I ever could.

"Ya tend to say that a lot when ya wanna say somethin' stupid."

"Just wanna know something."

"What?"He turned to look at me in his stoic, judgmental gaze. I would never ever be able to get used to it.

"Back in the caves...you said you've seen a lot. Care to share a story or two, old-timer?"I tried to appeal to his older side. Old people liked to babble on about their youth. It's what every grandma or grandpa did when I visited the retirement home. My ears did not survive that day. Every single geezer wished to tell me of how it was better in their time.

"...Ah don't like talkin' 'bout it much. Not much to tell anyways."

"C'mon...gotta have a few up in the old vault you wanna let out."

He sighed deeply, only to take another long drought of his moonshine. He tapped his now empty bottle against the counter and it was almost instantly replaced with a new fresh spout of drunk-inducer juice."If'n ya really want ta know..."

And here we go.

"Ah was born out here. The desert's my home, more so than any shack Ah could ever settle down in. Dirt's in my blood, sun's in my fur. Spent a good bit of my childhood just roaming with ma....pa left us high and dry when Ah was a tiny thing, barely remember the horny-toed liar."

"You ever found him?"I reclined in my seat for a much for comfortable story-listening position, followed by a swift glug of the sweet cider.

"Yup, sure did. 'Bout in my teen years when Ah was gettin' rebellious. Found 'im lying dead in a ditch with a shovel, a wanted poster, and a empty six-shooter by his hooves and a whole lotta dead-eyes 'round him."

".....Dead-eyes?"

"The most recently de-cee-asteded."

"Sounds like your old man was hardcore."

"Could be. Don't know, never will. No town 'round that area would talk about 'im. But enough about my pa. Went into this gang one time, outlaws. Didn't sit well with them."

"Wait..."I held out my hands."You joined a gang of criminals? And you're still here, not behind Sheriff Mustache's bars?"

"Desert's different than the rest of Equestria. Blessed Celestia can't keep track of everythin' goin' on this kingdom. Her fancy-schmancy knights never bother ta come out this far anyways."

That was a shocker. Equestria seemed to become less and less like paradise the longer I stayed.

"Anyways....the gang. Oh yeah...shot 'im all. Collected the bounty of each and every one of their heads.Hads me a nice bag of bits too. Wasted it on cards and ended up in a debt to some...idjits who couldn't hold a gun right with their magic if they had a how-to book right in front of 'im. Shot them too. Didn't get no bits though."

Another sip of cider. I found the bottle to be empty of it's amazing contents. I clinked it against the counter to see for a refill, but it seemed the barkeep was too busy helping the drunken stallions from earlier get back on all fours. I simply dismissed my lack of drink and turned to the food. I grabbed a handful of apple fritters and stuff them into my toothy gob, Alamo continuing with his life's tale.

"There was a war goin' on a whiles back...helped with that. Involved some warring tribes of buffalo...east and west. They were fightin' over who's 'sacred land' was who's. All Ah know is I shot a lot of 'im that day..."He paused to look at his drink, taking the smallest sip I've ever seen. He slowly let the alcohol roll down his throat before continuing. He seemed...distant now. Regretful I wanted to say.

"Settled down here in Appleloosa after that. Nopony's bothered me since 'till you arrived."

"....Do I say 'sorry' or 'you're welcome'?"

"Either one would do, Oddjob."He held up his bottle again. I grabbed mine, which somehow was magically refilled once more. I looked to see the bartender back behind the counter, polishing off some glasses, singing a western tune to himself. Blighter was fast, had to give him that.

I tapped my bottle to Alamo's once more, the glass making a light chink through the air as we downed our drinks and reveled into the night. It was the pretty sweet being drunk after such a harrowing ordeal, but my head would suffer greatly in the morning.

---

"......He's beginning to manifest."

"Much slower than the rest of us...."

"But that doesn't mean we should lower our guard. After all, he was the first one to arrive."

"We should kill him now! Safe the trouble later! He betrayed us by killing the worms!"

"Now now children,"Discord waved his paws, instantly settling the bickering voices before him."Let's not get ahead of ourselves."He allowed a sly smiled to play against his perfectly discordant features."Besides, we wouldn't want the game to end too quickly..."

Comments

[Alpha Scorpii]

So many mysteries!

[SethTheWizard]

Hmm..
Ot shouldn't be an army of discord knock offs, but agents of chaos, like maybe a pony (I still remember the promise of my OC... ) a gryphon, a dragon, exc.

[Paladin Redflare]

Smash army of Discord, Odd-job must. To do this, a bad ass he must become.

[undead darkness]

1065464 i agree master yoda