Pinkie Pie REALLY Likes Used Patio Furniture
Pinkie bounced along down the dirt road, happily following the shiny red balloon Discord had dangled in front of her.
It wafted on the invisible breeze, drawing her on and on as she stared at her own reflection in it. She loved how silly and red her reflection in it was.
As she hopped through the market district, though, something crinkled under her hooves.
She glanced down. It was a small flier, lying crumpled on the ground. It advertised a sale on used patio furniture!
She gasped. Of course! How could she have forgotten? She thanked her lucky stars – all fifteen of them – that the flier mailed to her had somehow ended up here in the street. Obviously, nopony else shared her enthusiasm for this furniture, so nopony else could have received such a flier and left it here.
Thankfully, the sale was right here in the market district. She had only to find it.
How to find it though? Not able to recall the address on the flier – and having already forgotten the other one on the ground just under her hoof – she decided to use the best way to find something: find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them.
She glanced around the market. Ponies crowded everywhere around the colorful tents, milling around, but one particular pony caught her eye.
A grey pegasus flitted above the crowd. Her flightpath was wavy, but she flew on, strong and sure. She definitely looked like she knew where she was going!
Pinkie hopped after Derpy Hooves, being careful to follow directly beneath her wavering route. Ponies all around her yelled and jumped out of her way as she careened around the market, but she paid them no mind.
She followed the pegasus pony's yellow tail back and forth across the marketplace several times before finally coming to the edge, where she spotted two very familiar faces.
“Hi, Rarity! Hi, Applejack!” She giggled. “Why so blue?”
The two of them stared up at her. Rarity sneezed.
“Ugh. Discord gabe us the blue flu.” Applejack sniffled, slumping even further down. “Rarity said I could cumbe to her house to rest up.”
“Do stay back. It's highly contagious,” Rarity added.
Pinkie leaned in close and smiled. “Ooh! You know what always cheers me up when I'm feeling blue?”
Both of them stared back at her, deadpan.
“Chocolate pie!” She leapt into the air.
Her two friends didn't share her enthusiasm. Applejack shook her head, and Rarity started walking away.
“No! Wait!” Pinkie bounced in front of her. “It's true! Here, try some!” Reaching into the back of her mane, she pulled out two plates, each with a slice of chocolate pie and a fork.
Rarity looked at the plates, furrowing her brows. Her mouth tightened. “Do you really expect us to eat a pie you just pulled out of your hair?” She stared at it closely, as if looking for curly pink hairs stuck to it.
“Aw, what the hey, I've et worse.” Applejack shrugged and grabbed a plate. With a wince, Rarity took her own.
“That's more like it!” Pinkie grinned and watched them eagerly.
A fork lifted with Rarity's magic and cut off a slice of pie, lifting it up. After inspecting it closely, she sighed and popped the morsel of pie into her mouth. Her eyes lit up, opening wide, and she popped up, standing straight once again. Before Pinkie's eyes, the blueness faded away across her body until none was left.
Applejack's jaw dropped as she watched it happen. As soon as the last of the blue left Rarity's legs, she flung her own slice of pie into the air, catching the whole thing in her mouth on the way down. Before long, all of the blue vanished from her, too. “Thank ya kindly, Pinkie! I'd a' never guessed this flu was so easy to get rid of.”
“Indeed.” Rarity nodded. “We are in your debt. Should there ever be anything we could do for you in the future, we'll be sure to–”
“There is!” Pinkie rushed forward, coming face-to-face with her friend.
“Oh?”
“I'm looking for that used patio furniture sale! Do either of you know where it is?”
“Uh... ain't it right over there, Sugarcube?” Applejack pointed her hoof to the left side of the path.
Her eyes following Applejack's hoof, Pinkie finally saw it. A small blue tent stood next to a wide grassy area on the edge of the marketplace, covered in well-worn, but sturdy furniture. Rays of light seemed to emanate from it. Pinkie's eyes went wide, and her mouth hung open, letting a few drops of drool drop out.
Rarity grimaced at the drips. “Ah... We'll just be on our way then. Thank you again, Pinkie.”
Pinkie paid them no mind. She slowly stepped toward the glittering oasis, barely able to breathe.
Passing by the blue tent without a word to the shopkeeper, she walked right into the midst of the inventory. Gloriously scuffed and marvelously sun-bleached furnishings surrounded her on every side. Her eye caught upon a shapely plastic side-table, but quickly wandered over to a slightly torn giant umbrella in a huge array of fabulously faded colors.
As she walked along in a near-trance, though, it finally caught her eye. In front of her sat a red-cushioned folding lounge chair. Its springs poked up through the thin cushion in places, and the cheap beige paint on its frame was peeling, revealing the light covering of rust underneath.
She froze, staring at it. Everything else faded from her view. Barely daring to breathe, she walked up to it, every step reverent.
As she drew closer, she could see the worn patches in the fabric, where the threads stretched thin, letting the off-white padding underneath show through.
She licked her lips. Finally, she stood right next to it. Close enough to touch it, even. Did she dare?
Her heart caught in her chest when she spotted the faint outline of a suspicious-looking stain on the lower half of the cushion. There was no way she could resist that.
The distance between them closed instantly. The coarse, weather-worn fabric pulled on her fuzzy coat. The corroded springs inside creaked just slightly as she pressed her body into it, face first. The smell of it washed over her.
Pinkie sighed. She was in heaven.
Right in front of her, a seam in the top of the cushion beckoned. How could she resist that?
She brought her mouth close, breathing across it. A loose thread from the seam tickled her nose. This was it. She let her eyes slowly close, and she moved in, closing the distance and planting her lips on the coarse seam.
She had never felt anything so electrifying before. Every nerve in her body tingled.
After a tender moment, her tongue ventured out, licking across the thin line of the seam, dancing back and forth across its rough edge.
She moaned, breaking her kiss, and a thin strand of saliva connected her to the lounge chair. With a contented sigh, she flipped over, squirming her back across the scratchy plastic-like fabric.
Right in front of her, across an aisle in the inventory, though, a gorgeous table stood.
Pinkie hopped up from the chair and stumbled to the table. Its metal legs were white, but showed scratches with several other colors beneath from previous repainting. She could spot a bold red, a fun yellow, and even a soft, gentle shade of green hidden under it all.
She smiled. This table might not look like it, but deep inside, it was a big softie. She stepped right up to it. The umbrella stand in the center of it towered over her majestically, despite the lack of any umbrella attached to it. The cracked glass tabletop sprawled out invitingly beneath her, encircled by a loose plastic ring. The crack in the table opened wide next to where she stood – wide enough for...
Could she possibly dare to do that? A devilish grin spread across her face. She couldn't allow an opportunity like this to slip by. With a glance up at the pole, she put her hoof up on the edge of the table. The cracked glass creaked underneath her hoof, inviting – no, begging – her to do it. She licked her lips and slipped her hoof to the edge of the crack.
The opening was triangular, the crack opening wide near the edge of the table. There was more than enough room for Pinkie's hoof to slip inside. Pinkie let her hoof dangle into the hole, teasing it with just the tip before running the soft side of her hoof along the outside edge, feeling the plastic ring's brittle hardness. Her hoof followed the outside of the triangle, reaching one side of the cracked pane.
The hard, sharp glass scratched along the outside of her hoof. Pinkie gasped with every breath. A thin sheen of sweat broke out on her sides.
Finally, her hoof made it to the very peak of the triangle, wedging itself as far as it could into the gap between the to halves of the tabletop. The glass creaked and moaned. Even though Pinkie's hoof was too wide and round to reach the very point of the crevice, she could tell the table was enjoying this as much as she was.
She breathed heavily, drunk with the intense emotions that only finely aged, all-weather furniture could induce. She hadn't felt this way since...
She glanced back where she had come from. The red lounge chair stood cold and alone.
Pinkie's heart imploded. How could she have abandoned it like that? After all they'd shared together? She rushed back to its side, running a hoof along the edge between the frame and cushion. One of the straps connecting the two broke, flopping down loosely.
“I know!” Pinkie hung her head low, sobbing. “I'm sorry! It was a mistake! I'll never leave you again.”
The chair sat in silence, but Pinkie could tell it was an amenable kind of silence. It had accepted her again.
“Oh thank you! Thank you!” She wrapped her hooves around the crusty cushion, squeezing it tight.
Her eyes drew back to the table, though. It looked just as lonely as the chair had, and Pinkie could forgive its jealousy. She knew she shouldn't have been playing with its emotions, either. But how could she make it up? How could she right her wrongs?
Penny Pincher peeked around the edge of her blue tent. The sounds coming from the inventory ever since that pink pony went in had just been too strange to ignore.
When she worked her way around to finally see it, her jaw dropped.
The pink pony had moved a red lounge chair right up next to one of the cheaper tables, completely blocking the aisle. She laid on the chair, rubbing her back up and down across the cushion, while one of her back legs thrust in and out through a hole in the table's glass top. As she watched, the pink pony moaned in ecstasy.
One of Penny's eyebrows slowly rose, as her mouth drooped into a disgusted frown. She thought she had seen it all by now, but apparently she had never before seen the true extent to which somepony could love used patio furniture.
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I love you for writing this
This is great!
That was.... You just.... I don't even....
Awesome.
This is bad and you should feel bad.
This is delicious crack.
You weren't joking.
Yes. Just yes.
This was actually good! Pinkie's in character here more than in the episode...and that's kinda scary o.o' Well done! :D
3860420
Thats a lie and you're a hater.
3860604
Yes it is a lie. I'm teasing Oca. Now shoo.
3860285
Um, congrats?
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Thanks, everybody!
Glad I can bring a little enjoyment your way.
3860420
Oh, I feel bad.
I feel so bad right now!
3860487
My first crackship, and it's a doozy! ^.^
3860604
Don't worry, I knew he was teasing.
Why am I reading a story about Pinkie Pie raping
furniture 
Awesome fic though
I was wondering what that Romance tag meant
3860817
It's not rape if the furniture likes it!
3860658 LOL
"DERP!"
Twilight Sparkle: "I got off lucky with just having my visit with Cadence disrupted by Discord, didn't I?"
Pinkie Pie: "Used patio furniture is AWESOME!"
My thoughts throughout the story:
What the hell is WRONG with you? This is just...depraved.
Words fail me. I am not sure how to feel.
"She breathed heavily, drunk with the intense emotions that only finely aged, all-weather furniture could induce."
This belongs in a vault of legendary sentences. Also,
i.imgur.com/NqB3mLR.png
Haha That was perfect XD
Best Pinkie Porn 2014
Soooo.... pinkie has now been shipped with literally everything. So there is that, and what has been read cannot be un-read. Uhh.. good story that took a very unexpected twist lol. Your writing style is good. I shall up vote and favorite. You should write more things like this lol
3861950
OH GOD
AUGH
NO
PLEASE
I'M TOO YOUNG
NO
POPO
SPARE ME
I-
Whoa. Pinkie Pie is Dirk Gently? That... explains so much.
Also, you used 'resist' twice in three paragraphs. Might want to change one of them.
...wut.
This is...yeah
liked and favorited
words do not describe.
I disagree with your depiction of Pinkie Pie's lascivious behavior. She would court the patio furniture slowly and lovingly, throwing it parties and getting to know it, before proceeding to the furniture orgy.
Pinkie...
replygif.net/i/101.gif
3860835
In Which Twilight Sparkle Abuses a Come To Life Spell on her Furniture (A.K.A. Shipping Sickness)
[youtube=adw2au_IdcE]
[youtube=hrcDI5La0lQ]
Well. This explains the real reason for the Party of One flip out. She was setting up an orgy.
3860960
Pinkie Pie: "You're not the only one who got off lucky!"
3861015
Then I have done my job well.
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Sorry... after seeing the new episode... I just had to write it.
3861194
This is the intended reaction!
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Thanks!
3861814
Where's my (lawn-chair-shaped) trophy?
3861950
I intend to, I intend to.
Are you, perhaps, aware of my clop-posting alt account?
3862051
What?
It's just hooves and furniture. Nothing objectionable happened, right?
3862110
I'm glad somebody got that reference!
^.^ I loved those books. It's a shame there aren't more of them.
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Oh, they do. They do. Just gotta read the story to see that!
3862683
You're right!
Pinkie would take it slow and have a meaningful relationship with the furniture!
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Yeah, I figured I wouldn't be the first to have done this...
At least maybe I'm the first to manage to squeak it in with an 'everyone' rating?
3863102
She does like her inanimate objects, doesn't she?
3863402
Twilight Sparkle: That's not what I meant, Pinkie!
3863402 No. I was not aware of this, but I am now! Lol
This kind of thing actually happens quite a bit in real life - check out a web show called "What the F$&k is Wrong With You?", an episode called "More Cushion for the Pushin'".
Okay... that was odd. I can't believe I am saying this... but you might want to rate this teen, possibly even mature. Pinkie Pie having a furniture fetish is not an everyone concept.
3863402
fine but I do believe pinkie has not been shipped with luna...has she?
3864485
Yep. Well, I've seen her shipped with Nightmare Moon,if that counts. While also being Nightmare Moon. And they were both shipped with Trixie too.
3862683
Fridge Horror Moment: That's why Pinkie Pie likes used patio furniture - it's got experience, it's been around the block a few times, it knows exactly what it wants and how to get it, and it's not afraid to cut right to the action.
I never realized that furniture could be so eroticized. I've heard about stories where Rainbow is humorously shipped with a kitchen sink, but that seemed more parody than anything else. For humor and genuine erotic moments to occur in a story like this is both enjoyable, and curiously puzzling. I will have to think about this.
3863921
Twilight: "And you're not allowed on the library's back porch anymore."
Pinkie: "Oh Puh-leez. Your table and chair set's barely a year old. I'm not into that pedophile stuff."
3863951
It's dirty little secret, and it'll be publishing another pinkie fic soon... An 'anthro-futa-Pinkie does the mane 6' kind of fic ^.^
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I know this. ^.^
Name anything, and there's somebody out there with a fetish for it.
3864478
What?
This fic contains absolutely no sexual themes.
3864485
I'd begin with the assumption that every mane 6 pony has been shipped with every princess.
3864515
And there you have it.
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New fic-related headcanon acquired
3864953
it was still intended as a parody... not something actually erotic.
Though... I suppose, anyone who shares Pinkie's fetish might find this very erotic.
3864485 "Well I found them both in a packing crate once while delivering mail - Does that count?"
You wrote this in two hours!?! Dang, I wish I could write that well, that quickly.
3866047 Interesting. You have caught my attention and I shall follow you. Very very closely. Ps. Luna is best pony.
I just… I… um… uh… er… what?
Not sure how you got away with an "everyone" rating for this.
This is the most ridiculous thing i've ever read. well... perhaps not the most ridiculous... maybe in the top fifty... but i've seen an awful lot of weird things in my time, including twilight masturbating with high explosives.
Seriously. that's a thing. search it. "Twilight makes love to explosives".
3866181
Well, they were 'shipped' together, so yeah, it counts!
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And lots of good feedback.
It just takes practice.
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is best pony.)
Excellent! ^.^
(And no,
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Give in to the random furniture love! 
3866725
I'm not sure how I got away with that either.
But, I suppose, technically, there is no sexual content in this story.
Yo, I hear you reply to everyone.
3867174
That I do.