Chapter 1
The breeze blew through the ripening stalks of wheat and corn, the coolness reminding ponies that autumn and winter were quickly approaching. The sky was overcast, a dark slate hue, and nearly uniform in its appearance, much like as if someone really had carved a giant slab of slate from the depths of the earth and hung it over the sky. Colors were subdued as a result, so that wheat appeared several shades darker than they would in the sun. The earth beneath the Cutie Mark Crusader's hooves felt firmer, as the cooler temperatures prepared the land for its wintry rest. Squirrels and chipmunks scurried past them, their cheeks bulging with nuts, as they prepared to hibernate. The breeze created a familiar 'shh' sound, as birds chirped, cheeped and squaked at each other, and squirrels and chipmunks chittered towards each other. Leaves on some of the trees were starting to turn brilliant hues of yellows and oranges, the ground beneath them decorated with a scattering of already fallen leaves.
One afternoon near the Ponyville schoolhouse, three fillies were sitting under a tree talking about their favourite subject. Cutie marks, or more precisely on how to get them.
“So, y’all think this will help get our cutie marks?” Apple Bloom spoke up.
“Yeah, I don’t see why not. We’re sure to get our cutie marks with this plan.” Scootaloo clapped her hooves together in excitement..
“But don’t you think being fire juggler is a bit … I don’t know, dangerous?” Sweetie Belle squeaked, her brows furrowed, and eyes narrowed, and unable to look directly at her pegasine comrade, as her eyes became unfocused, as she remembered the last time they had tried to get a cutie mark which involved fire. “Remember the last time we tried something with fire? It didn’t go very well.”
“Oh, that’s because you kept launching the fireworks before you were supposed to.” Scootaloo countered.
“Hey! It wasn’t my fault you kept using complicated signals! You should have just said something like ‘Sweetie Belle, it’s time to launch the fireworks,’ or something like that.” Sweetie Belle argued, mimicking Rarity’s voice and adopting a rear haunch sitting posture, while she bobbed her curls in one of her hooves, while turning her snout upwards as though even looking on a commoner would be exceedingly shameful and scandalous.
“Anyway,” Apple Bloom interjected. “Sweetie Belle does have a point Scootaloo. Maybe we should try something safer this time around and with less fire.”
“Aww, you guys are no fun.” Scootaloo pouted, folding her forelegs on her chest.
As the other two giggled at their friend, a voice called out. “Apple Bloom, it’s time to head on home.”
As the crusaders turned towards the voice, Applejack was standing nearby the school house. She wore a worried look on her face, and her coat was covered in dirt and grass stains.
Apple Bloom jumped up and quickly rushed over to her sister. “Sis!? What happened? Is everything alright?” she asked, worry suffusing throughout her voice.
Applejack knelt down next her sister and placed a hoof on her head, stroking her mane in a calm fashion. “Big Mac had an accident while tending to the south field.” Apple Bloom face displayed shock. “Now don’t you fret none, everything is just fine. He just twisted his ankle after tripping in a gopher hole. He’ll be fine, he just needs to stay off it for a little while. But I need you to come home and help out on the farm. Now, I know you want to go crusading with your friends, but I need all the help I can get until Big Mac gets better. Okay?”
Apple Bloom looked towards her sister and nodded. “It’s okay sis. I can go crusading another time. What’s important is that we Apples stick together in times like these.”
Applejack wrapped a foreleg around her sister’s withers and pulled her into a small hug, “Thanks Ii’l sis. You’ll be back to playing with your friends in time.”
Applejack stood up, letting go of Apple Bloom. “Well then, we better get going. We have a lot of work ahead of us. Say goodbye to your friends.”
Apple Bloom turned to the others and waved to them. “I’ll see you guys later, don’t have too much fun without me.”
“Bye, I hope Big Mac gets better soon.” Sweetie Belle waved.
“See ya around.” Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom turned around and headed off with her sister. As they walked out of view, Scootaloo felt something about the conversation Apple Bloom and Applejack had. But before she could figure out what that was, Sweetie Belle spoke up.
“Say why don’t we head over to Sugarcube Corner and grab something to eat? We can even plan out additional ideas on activities we have not yet tried in our quest to earn our cutie marks while we are at it.” Sweetie Belle suggested.
“Huh? Uh, yeah I guess that’s a good idea, I can go for something.” Scootaloo agreed as she started heading towards the bakery.
“Scootaloo, you okay?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Scootaloo said as she walked on.
“Well you just seemed a bit distracted is all. Something on your mind?”
I wish I knew myself. “No, not really, just thinking about ideas on activities we might do to earn our cutie marks is all. Hey I got an idea. Maybe we could get our cutie marks for fixing Big Mac’s ankle.”
Sweetie Belle arched an eyebrow, before staring intently at Scootaloo for a few seconds before bringing her right forehoof to her forehead, and rubbing it in circles groaning softly. “Uhm no offence, but let’s not do that. I don’t want to find out that it isn’t our talent. Big Mac must be in enough pain without us trying to help him.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right.” Scootaloo sighed. “Darn it! Why does this have to be so hard?”
“Don’t worry Scootaloo, we’ll figure something out something for sure. I’m sure of it.” Sweetie Belle said in a soothing voice, calming her friend. “Lets just worry about getting to Sugarcube Corner for now and we’ll figure this out there.”
“Okay, sounds like a plan.” Scootaloo said as they trotted on to their destination. Maybe I can figure out what I was feeling back there too.
================================================================
The town was bustling this afternoon the chatter of ponies filling the marketplace, as ponies weaved past each other in a polychromatic dance of intricate proportions. Hawkers crying about the quality of their wares, or the excellence of their produce, while buyers tried to barter, or chatted animatedly with friends and neighbors as foals raced about the mobile forest of pony legs, playing with their friends and schoolmates. The rustling of saddlebags also accompanied the chatter, as well as the clinking of bits, both in their pouches and upon the tables of the hawkers. Some didn’t seem too happy, mumbling about a storm that was coming tomorrow night when it wasn’t supposed to rain.
Soon the two fillies arrived at Sugarcube Corner, ready to get their treat and start their planning. As they were about to enter a voice called out, “Sweetie Belle there you are, I have been looking everywhere for you.”
Both fillies turned to see Rarity standing behind them. She was wearing a big pink cotton sun hat with a white, elegant swan's feather tucked in a light pastel pink ribbon. She was also carrying her saddle bags over her withers.
“Hi sis,” Sweetie Belle greeted her sister, a smile on her face, and her eyes danced, as she pranced up to her sister, and gave her a hug and nuzzle, before noticing that her elder sister was all gussied up. She walked up to Rarity and gave her a hug before asking, “why were you looking for me and why are you all dressed up?”
“Well Sweetie Belle, Mother and Father have left town to attend an athletic awarding ceremony and won’t be back for a week. You’re going to be staying with me until then.” Rarity explained as they broke the hug.
“How come they didn’t tell me before I left for school?” Sweetie Belle asked. “They usually do when they are going to leave.”
“Well they did, but you were in such a hurry to meet up with your friends that they weren’t able to.” Rarity explained.
“Yeah. I guess I did leave in a hurry. The girls and I wanted to get some planning for our next crusade in before school started. But that doesn’t answer why you’re all dressed to go somewhere.” Sweetie Belle observed, pointing to Rarity’s hat and saddle bags.
“Yes. Well, that’s the other reason why I came to find you. You see, I have to go to Canterlot this afternoon to gather some supplies for a special order for Hoity Toity. So you are going to have to come with me as I can’t leave you here alone.” Rarity said.
“Awww, but Scootaloo and I were about to get something to eat while we plan out our next crusade. Can’t Rainbow Dash or Applejack watch me while you’re gone?” Sweetie Belle whined, not wanting to go on a boring shopping trip with her sister. She remembered the last time she went on one, they spent about three hours trying on very frilly dresses and she hated every minute of it.
“Sorry, but you can’t. I have already asked them both and both of them are busy, with Rainbow Dash having to put together a storm by nightfall tomorrow and Applejack is busy working due to her brother’s injury. I’m sorry Sweetie Belle, but you have to come with me and we need to leave now, before we miss the train” Rarity explained.
“But what about Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy? They could look after me.” Sweetie Belle suggested, hoping her sister hadn’t thought of that and would go ask either of her friends.
“Twilight is away on royal business and Fluttershy is moving some frogs to froggy bottom bog.” Rarity was starting to get annoyed, just wanting to hurry to the train station before the train left. “Also before you ask, Pinkie Pie is busy watching the shop today for the cakes.” She added in hope to move things along.
“Oh okay, fine let’s go.” Sweetie Belle said in defeat, lowing her head, her body language expressing a dejected appearance, before turning back to Scootaloo, her head still hung low, and her eyes looking down at the ground and no longer danced and sparkled as they had moments before and waving goodbye. “I’ll see you later Scootaloo, sorry we couldn’t hang out today.”
“It’s cool, I’ll be fine. I’ll catch you later.” Scootaloo waved back, a smirk on her face. “Have fun trying on dresses with your sis.” She giggled when Sweetie Belle glared at her and Rarity’s face changed from a frown to a big smile and eyes sparkling and dancing together, expressing her excitement, her ears perked forward, and no longer splayed against her head, and her voice was really animated, expressing her glee at the prospects of modeling the latest fashions the vogue shops in Canterlot had to offer.
“Oh yes! We simply must see what the new fashions are in vogue this season. Maybe we can find you something this time Sweetie Belle! Oh, this will be fun! Don’t you agree?” Rarity asked Sweetie Belle.
“Why yes sis, it will be so much fun. I can’t wait.” Sweetie Belle replied through gritted teeth, while glaring daggers at Scootaloo.
With a squeal of joy from the older unicorn, the pair made their way to the train station. As they left Scootaloo felt something. A feeling all too familiar to her, she felt it when she saw Apple Bloom talking to Applejack back at the school yard.
Man Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are lucky to have sisters. Sure I have Rainbow Dash, but she has been busy with work lately. Scootaloo sighed.
Well since I’m here I might as well grab a cupcake. It might help cheer me up, then I guess I’ll go look for Rainbow Dash and see if she wants to hang out for a bit, if she isn’t too busy.
She turned around and made her way inside the store. As she entered, she was greeted with the many smells that gave this place it name. Cakes, cookies and other delicious treats all on display as far as she could see. Her mouth watered just from the sight of the delicious treats before her.
As she looked around, her eyes were drawn the cupcake display. They were decorated with pink and purple icing topped with blue sprinkles.
Mrs. Cake came out from the back with a fresh cake on her back. When she spotted Scootaloo, she put the cake down and addressed the filly pegasus. “Oh, hello there dearie. What can I get for you today?” The blue earth pony asked with a cheerful expression.
Scootaloo, snapped out of her daze, looking up, to the older mare. “Oh hello Mrs. Cake, um, could I just have one of those cupcakes over there?” She asked with a hopeful expression.
Mrs. Cake just smiled and nodded. “Of course you can Scootaloo.” With that, she grabbed the cupcake, put it on a small cloth, “You can sit anywhere you like sweetie.”
The small orange pegasus passed the bits over to the matronly mare, before picking up the muffin in her mouth, managing a muffled “ank ou” to Cup Cake, before she turned about and sat in a vacant booth with a window next to it, allowing her to look out upon the hustle and bustle of the ponies as they went about their day.
Once she was seated, she quickly dug into her double chocolate chip cupcake as she reflected on the events from earlier. She thought about how close her friends were to their sisters, how happy they were to have one another. Scootaloo had always felt left out when she saw her friends and their sisters having fun together, always there for each other.
Even though she looked up to Rainbow Dash as a big sister, she would sometimes get a thought in the back of her mind. Does Rainbow Dash think of me as a sister?
Even after everything that happened a year ago in Whitetail Woods during the camping trip she just wasn’t sure Rainbow Dash thought about her in the same way. Sure, she took her under her wing and even gave her flying lessons. But sometimes Scootaloo would feel that Rainbow Dash was only doing it because she felt sorry for her. Scootaloo would shake these thoughts out of her head as quickly as they came, but sometimes she wanted to know if Rainbow Dash really cared for her, like a sister.
You know what, I’m going to go ask her if she thinks of me as a sister. I need to know, I just need to know. Scootaloo thought as she finished her cupcake, ready to go find Rainbow Dash. As she got up to go find Rainbow Dash, a familiar and very annoying voice called out.
“Well, well, look at what we have here Silver Spoon, a blank flank all by herself.” Diamond Tiara said her voice as mocking as usual, causing to pegasus filly to goan.
Great just who I wanted to see, my least two favourite ponies in all of Equestria. Scootaloo huffed as she turned to face her tormentors.
“Do you think her friends got their cutie marks and that’s why she is alone? Guess they don’t want to hang out with a blank flank, I don’t blame them.” Silver Spoon took the next jab at Scootaloo.
“Yeah that must be it, I guess they can see just how lame she really is.” Diamond Tiara added, both fillies laughing at their taunts.
“They didn’t leave me, well not because of that. They just had to do something with their sisters.” Scootaloo said, just wanting to get the two to shut up and leave her alone.
“That must be nice, having a sister to hang out with. Not that you would know, since you don’t have one.” Diamond smirked and added, “must be lonely without somepony to hang out with, when your friends are gone.”
“I do to have somepony to hang out with! I have Rainbow Dash to spend time with. She even looks after me when my mom’s away at work.” Scootaloo retorted.
“Oh yeah? I bet that she hates it when she has to look after you. You nothing but a blank flank, you can’t even fly.” Diamond Tiara said with a wicked smile on her face as Scootaloo’s eyes widened.
“Y-you’re wrong, she does like hanging out with me! Being able to fly or not doesn’t matter to her!” Scootaloo yelled, trying to convince her tormentors their propaganda was erroneous, but her thoughts from earlier started to creep into her mind.
It couldn’t be true, could it? Both her mind and heart called her once firm convictions into questions, as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sought tear down the walls of her beliefs and convictions. She just shook her head and glared at the two ponies.
“I know you're wrong Diamond Tiara, she does like hanging out with me!” Scootaloo’s eyes started to tear up, her voice cracking as thoughts of Rainbow Dash leaving her as her imagination played out one of her deepest fears.
As the two bullies laughed at the distraught filly, an angry voice called out, making all three jump in surprise. “Hey leave her alone! What gives you two the right to tell ponies who I hang out with?”
All three turned to the source of the voice, only to see a very angry Rainbow Dash standing by the door. Her wings were flared as she shoot daggers from her eyes at the two bullies, who wilted under her gaze. Scootaloo’s eyes lit up as she saw her idol standing up for her, the thoughts from earlier forgotten.
“Well? I’m waiting.” Rainbow Dash said as she moved closer to the trio, never taking her eyes off of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon as she did.
Silence reigned over the group for a what seemed like an eternity for the two bullies. As Rainbow Dash was about to speak up again, Diamond Tiara broke the silence.
“We were just joking around, we didn’t mean to upset her,” She pointed to Scootaloo, who was now smiling as she watched her tormentor trying to get out of trouble. “We were just trying to have some fun, honest.”
“Yeah we were just having fun, we weren’t picking one her.” Silver Spoon quickly added in hopes that Diamond Tiara’s lie would fool Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash lowered her head down to eye level with the two bullies, her eyes narrowed as she looked into theirs. “Don’t you two think for a second I’m going to believe any of that. I heard everything you two were saying to her. How dare you try and make her believe that I don’t like hanging out with her just because she can’t fly? What gives you two the right to make her feel like she’s worthless? To me, she is better then you two will ever be.” She said, her voice filled with vitriol and venomous scorn.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were shaking in fear as Rainbow Dash talked, both worried what she might do to them. Rainbow Dash raised her head back up and look down at the two cowering fillies with a look of barely contained rage, her body trembling with effort to not beat the bullies to a bloody pulp. Her breathing came quick and heavy, her pupils narrowed at the offending fillies, gritting and gnashing her teeth, her body leaning slightly forward as she glowered down upon the two, her entire body language rife with aggressive postures and action. “Now get lost,” Rainbow Dash yelled as she stomped a hoof onto the floor, causing the two fillies to run out of the shop. “… and if I ever see you picking on her again, I’m going to make sure your parents hear about it!”
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Rainbow Dash went over to Scootaloo. “You okay squirt?” She asked, nuzzling Scootaloo affectionately.
“Of course I’m fine, I can look out for myself ya know.” Scootaloo said trying to act tough in front of her idol. Stepping away from Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo made her way to the door. “Come on Rainbow Dash, let’s go do something fun.”
“Scootaloo,” Rainbow Dash spoke, not moving from her spot, her face full of concern. “It’s okay, you don’t have to act tough in front of me. I told you I saw everything. I saw how upset you were, I know you aren’t okay.” Scootaloo’s composure started to crumble as Rainbow Dash calmly moved towards her. “I’m not going to force you to talk about it, but just know I’m always there for you if you want me to.”
“I … I …” Scootaloo’s eyes start to tear up again as she heard those comforting words from her idol. She looked up to Rainbow Dash and when she saw a face of caring and understanding, she broke down. “Rainbow Dash, i-it was horrible. They kept s-saying that y-you didn’t like hanging out with me, that you hated it when you had to look after me.” Scootaloo hugged Rainbow Dash as she cried, her tears damping Rainbow Dash’s coat.
Scootaloo then felt something wrapped around her, sending a warm feeling throughout her small foalish body. She looked up to see that Rainbow Dash had placed a wing around the her, holding her tightly. Rainbow Dash had a gentle look on her face as she looked down at the filly. Raising a hoof, she placed it on the top of Scootaloo’s head and gently stroke her mane.
“It’s okay Scootaloo, it’s okay. I’m here now, everything will be okay.” Rainbow Dash spoke in a soft, caring voice as she pulled Scootaloo closer. “I love hanging out with you and I most definitely don’t hate it when I have to look after you. What kinda sister would I be if I did?”
Scootaloo could only stare as Rainbow Dash said those words, they filled her heart with joy and peace. “Y-you really mean that? You really think of me as a sister?”
“Of course I do squirt, you’re an awesome filly. You’re the best little sis I could ask for and you always will be like a little sister to me.” Rainbow Dash smiled as she let Scootaloo go. “Why would you think otherwise?”
Scootaloo looked down at the floor as she scuffed it with a hoof. “Well, everytime I see Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom with their sisters lately, I feel left out. I mean sure we hang out and stuff but,” Scootaloo looked back up at Rainbow Dash. “They seem closer together than we do. Sometimes I wish I could be like them, to be as close to my big sis as they are to theirs. That’s all I want, to know what that feels like.”
“Oh squirt, if that was bugging you, then why didn’t you say so?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well I didn’t want to seem like a cry baby to you. Because that would be uncool and you might not want to hang with me anymore.” Scootaloo said, her eyes shifting back to the floor.
“Scootaloo is that how you see me? A pony who only cares about hanging with cool ponies?” Rainbow Dash said with fake shock. “Well, sure I do like hanging with cool ponies, but that’s besides the point. Scootaloo you are the coolest pony I know, well next to me of course, and nothing well ever change that. Ever. So you don’t have to worry about coming to me with problems like this. Okay?”
“Thanks sis, that really means a lot.” Scootaloo said as she smiled wide.
“It’s no problem, and you’re welcome. Now how about we head back to my place, I think it’s time for dinner.” Rainbow Dash said as she made her way to the door. “Now then, you said you wanted to do something to bring us closer together, huh?”
Scootaloo followed Rainbow Dash out, Rainbow Dash knelt down so Scootaloo could climb up on her back. “Yeah I would like to do something together, just the two of us.” She wrapped her fore legs around Rainbow Dash’s neck, once she had firm hold they set off into the sky.
Hmmm … What could we do together for a good bonding experience? Rainbow Dash thought as they soar through the air, she always thought better while flying. Let’s see, the squirt likes it when I give her flying lessons, but we do that every week. Maybe I could teach her how to manipulate clouds? No, I don’t want to bore her to death. Heck I almost couldn’t pay attention about it in school when I was her age. Think Rainbow Dash think. What can we do together?
As they made higher to the sky, Scootaloo spoke up. “Wow, I alway love being up this high. You can see everywhere around Ponyville, from Fluttershy’s house to Whitetail woods. The view is just amazing!”
That was when Rainbow Dash got an idea. “I know what we can do. How about we go on a camping trip in Whitetail Woods? You loved it last time we went camping, so that would be perfect for us. You and me versus the wild, roughing out there showing everyone how tough we are. What do ya say?”
“Yeah let’s do it, it sounds like it will be a lot of fun. Let’s go tomorrow!” Scootaloo cheered as they drew closer to Rainbow Dash’s cloud home.
“Yeah, about that, let’s wait until Friday. I’m busy tomorrow setting up a big storm for the evening and besides that you have school.” Rainbow Dash explained. Scootaloo gave sigh of disappointment. “But we’ll go right after you’re done with school on Friday, that way we can go camping for the whole weekend. How does that sound?”
“Yay! That sounds awesome!” Scootaloo cheered once again.
They touched down in front of Rainbow Dash’s house shortly after their aerial conversation, Rainbow Dash let Scootaloo off her back and then made her way to the door. “Well then, it’s decided, we’ll leave on Friday afternoon for Whitetail Woods. Now then, let’s go in and get something to eat before you do your homework. When you get done, I’ll check it and then we can watch a movie before you go to bed. Sound fair?”
“Sounds great! Oh, I can’t wait to go camping with you again, I just know that it will be awesome.” Scootaloo said as she ran inside.
“Well of course it will be, you’ll have the one and only Rainbow Dash there so it can only be awesome.” Rainbow Dash joked as she went into the kitchen to started dinner.
This is going to be so awesome, I can’t wait. Scootaloo thought to herself. Just the two of us doing something together, being there for each other. Just like sisters, it’s just what I always wanted.
Scootaloo was brought out of her thoughts as a hoof waved in front of her. “Equestria to Scootaloo.” Rainbow Dash chuckled.
“Huh? Oh, sorry Rainbow Dash. What did you say? Scootaloo asked.
“I asked if you wanted to help me make dinner? You know my cooking isn’t … well the best, so I could use a little bit of help.” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her head, an embarrassed look on her face, as she gazed down upon her young ward.
“Yeah sure, but let’s get one thing straight,” Scootaloo said with smirk on her face, causing Rainbow Dash to till her head in confusion. “Your cooking doesn’t need a bit of help, it needs a ton of help.” She ran into the kitchen laughing.
“Hey that wasn’t nice! Get back here you!” Rainbow Dash laughed as she ran after her sister. Both laughing and having fun.
Neither could wait until their big camping trip coming in a few days. What awaited them they on their trip they did not know, but they would face it together. As sisters.
Stats
Page generated in 0.035 seconds
Total duration
848 users online
1,026,363 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Why no comments, but 12 likes!?
I'm confused here.
4219596
yea me to.
just some feed back would be nice lol.
There's waaay too much going on in this sentence. Break it up.
Same thing here.
So... let me get this straight. You made Big Mac injured as a way to get rid of Apple Bloom, but that still doesn't explain why Applejack is dirty. Twisting your ankle is no big deal. As for AB freaking out when she saw her sister all dirty, why? AB knows Applejack is tough, she doesn't have to be so concerned about her.
Two things here.
1: This is WAY too telly. It should be: Apple Bloom's eyes widened in shock. Or something similar
2: You need to put a "'s" on the end of Apple Bloom.
Times like these? Big Mac has a twisted ankle, it's not like he died or something.
Double space between about and ideas
This is bad. Reword this.
Once again, there is WAY too much info in this one sentence. Break it up.
Capitalize the W in Why
Comma, not period.
How can she know this already?
Missing comma.
Comma, not period at the end of the dialogue.
This is a location, so it must be capitalized.
"...shop today for the Cakes," she added, hoping to move things along.
Comma, not period
WAY too much information. When you do this, it really breaks the flow of things.
...what? They're already hanging out though!
I'm starting to see a reoccurring theme here. You try to pack a ton of detail into one sentence. Stop this.
We already know she's asking Sweetie Belle this. You saying it again detracts from the flow of the story.
Comma, not period.
Formatting issues here, and don't use the word man.
We already know that Scootaloo is both a filly and a pegasus. You repeating this is unnecessary.
Delete the comma.
she, not She
Once again, you are repeating useless details. We already know she's a small orange pegasus.
Several things here. First and foremost, this is long and needs to be broken up. Second: Why is she thanking the Cakes' foal?
Comma
Comma
There are so many of these errors that I'm going to stop. You see the mistake you're making?
You say convictions twice.
shot
Wait, so now Scootaloo has a body of not a filly, but a foal? What happened there?
Stroked
Rainbow says that Scootaloo is her sister, and then she says that she'll always be LIKE a little sister to her. That doesn't make sense.
So you're saying that Rainbow doesn't like hanging out with uncool ponies like Scootaloo, eh? Delete the word "fake"
You say Rainbow Dash twice in five words, and four of them consisted of them her name. Fix that.
Formatting issues.
As they flew higher...
Scootaloo gave a sigh
Formatting issue
Missing end quotation
You might want to combine these two sentences
Delete they
__________________________________
Overall, this story wasn't that bad. Once you find another proofreader or two, you'll be able to squash all of these petty little errors. Keep writing, because that's how you get better.
Also, you need to add this to a lot more groups.
4219600 How's this for feedback?
4219601
man you weren't kidding
4219611 Yeah, I don't fuck around lol.
Not bad let me guess scootaloo's mothers job is a wonderbolt or something
4220045
nope!
keep guessing.
4220046 oh boy this will take a while. Hmm she sells food maybe?
4220057
lol, nope! not even close
Is this going to get really sad? If so im going to read it. By the way when do you think the next chapter will be out.
4220356
really sad? well you will have to wait and see.
Next chapter? depends on a lot of reasons.
4220362 what may those reasons be?
4220374
eh, school, life, many others.
4220407 kay ill keep on the look out for more,chapters
So they're going on a camping trip! What could possibly go wrong?
. . .
OH NO, I SAID IT!!
Love it, sounds awesome man, can't wait for more
Aw that was awesome! I can't wait for the next chapter, keep up the good work
Uhm...I'm gonna guess her mom has a job that involves weather
4230874
nope!
4230874
Would be the case if she has to get "wet" every night
Awesome this is really well written and descriptive! Yay, finally someone dealt with those two bullies! Go Rainbow Dash!
4238837
you would have to wait and and see.
but no. no death.
I liked this, I think it has some polishing issues but it was good. The Abyss picked up most of them. I would say watch your dialouge. It can get a liitle monolougee for no reason. For example when RD is berating DT ans SS she uses more words then are nesecary. To me she is better..... for example. The to me is totally unessecary.
Element of Loyalty at work! That's what makes Rainbow Dash a great sister, she's Loyal. Sure, she's tough, but she knows how to show affection, and she's not going to desert her family. Anyone can be a good sibling if they try hard enough and put their heart into it.
I'm not sure how this story's gonna go, whether it will be an adventure or something with a villain, but I'm really looking forward to it.
Finish this please if you don't mind.
4959129
i would, but me and my co-writer hit a little snag.
Im thinking her mom is wonderbolt captin AKA spitfire tell me im right
4220065 is she Firefly?