and there it sleeps, the creep

Fluttershy has a very...dark and shadow-filled night.

Contains poetry. I dunno.

I...do not own the cover art. It's literally just blank. ._.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 8
- Newest First
- Oldest First

P-Berry

P-Berry #1 · Jan 29th, 2014 · · ·

Well, that was ... not bad. Most definitely, not bad.
It doesn't happen that often that I get to read dark (or creepy, for that matter) MLP-fan fiction or even poetry, but I don't regret giving this one a shot.
Generally a quite original concept - the fact that there's a story about basically everything happening in Equestria (seriously, I can't think of a single thing that hasn't been mentioned and/or explained in a fan fiction before) generally -speaking for myself- makes it hard to write stories about something as 'based' as Fluttershy spending a creepy night in her cottage.
Anyway, good job with wording and sentence construction. I often see people having a hard time with properly 'staging' the atmosphere in a story, but this one was quite alright.
About the poetry ... well, I have to admit, I've never been the right person to discuss stuff like that. I'd like to say it was good or bad, but since I consider myself completely incapable of understanding (let a alone creating) poetry, I think it's best to just leave the critique of it to someone else.
Moving on - there's one thing I think is worth criticizing though: over the course of the story, you seem to have become a little lazy regarding the description of the setting. Of course, everyone knows how Fluttershy's cottage looks from the inside (though it's laudable that you took the time to describe some of the minor details in the beginning), but towards the end -especially when 'the creep' finally materializes in front of Fluttershy- you could have described things a little more exactly - I can only speak for myself (and maybe it's just because I'm not a native English Speaker) but I sometimes had a hard time following the storyline. It goes without saying that leaving some details to the reader's phantasy can make a story a whole lot pleasanter to read -and it most certainly is a good way to create tension, especially in a creepy story like that one- but you may want to think about balancing the ratio between revelations and veilings, just saying.
Anyhow, considering that I spent my entire lunch break on writing this review, I guess I should come to an end by now.
Again, I enjoyed this one - in terms of syntax and general style, this was in fact your best story so far, even if I personally -referring to the sheer storyline- prefer the ScootaDash one.
Anyways, nice work!

Cocaine

Cocaine #2 · Jan 30th, 2014 · · ·

3863754 Are you gonnna write a massive review for all my stuff? XDDD Welp..Thanks!

I kind of wrote this in like..four minutes. The description was like that because I wanted the style to change when the creep entered the story, cause that's the kind of atmosphere I was going for. Thanks for the advice though! I should've made the transition better.