I am a brony who likes to write mlp fanfics and I also like to make OCs. I dont share my brony life with my parents that much, but online, I share alot of it. I am very hated on this site.
This story is about a pegasus pony named Cloud Spark and how The Chaos Army tried to take over Equestria. The Chaos Army attack Equestria, but Cloud messed up their plans so they had to attack at a different time. The results of the battle ruined Cloud's life. Will Cloud defeat The Chaos Army and save millions of lives or will he fail?
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I hope you Bronies and Pegasisters like my FIMFictions. It my first one Ive ever made.
3852527
What's with all the deleted comments?
Also without even reading yet I'm going to give you the advice to make longer chapters. Please
Edit: I'm so sorry, I truly am. But this story...
How old are you?
Da fuq's a FiMFiction?
Is that like a fic?
This reads as well and comfortably as chewing glass.
Tell me author, is your age represented by a single digit?
piclair.com/data/gv8kr.jpg
No, my age is represented by two digits
I knew I wouldn't get a lot of likes
3873553 Not to be rude, but if that is so, why did you post it to begin with? You only attracted negative attention with this.
The main reason I made this was so my best friend could read it
Please tell me the rest of your story reads exactly like your intro here.
3873588 You know you can click the arrow at the top right corner of a comment to directly respond so they know, right?
AppleBandit I put the wrong thing on accident. I just finished this story. Guys, please dont put negitive comments. Just tell me the error and I will fix it
sigma, Im new to FIMFiction.net
3873618
speakfearlessly.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/you-cant-handle-the-truth-meme-generator-you-want-the-truth-you-can-t-handle-the-truth-9789dd.jpg
3873636 I will
3873629 Okay, trying to be nice here, but I literally told you exactly what to do instead of this. Why aren't you doing it? Also, bit of advice, if you're new, DO NOT POST A FIC SO SOON. Take some time. Work on it for a while. Get an editor and proofreader
EDIT: I see you're using it now. Good job.
Again, why did I wright this. I work really hard just to get negitive comments
3873618 Well, there's a handy-dandy little button on the right side of our comments that lets you directly reply to our comments.
It has the added feature of notifying us if you've responded to our comments.
3873646 i will
3873658 I know
Look, man, deleting comments only makes it WORSE. Stop before you do something really bad. Tryin' to help you here.
3873636 Stop with the negitive comments I already know you hate it
3873786 You know what, i dont care if you think it's bad.
3873701
You're basically opening yourself up by deleting comments and showing us that you can't take any sort of negative comment towards your story. You're feeding into this.
Your "story" if 2,974 words spanning 11 chapters can even be considered such, I can already tell is not going to be good. You say the main reason you wrote this is so your friend could read it. Easy, write it in a google document and share the link. Bam. You're done. You don't have to worry about us.
Now, you claim to have worked really hard on this. Honestly, I don't have to open up a single chapter to know you didn't work at all on this. The chapters aren't long enough, the story itself isn't long enough. I've written outlines to SHORT stories that are longer than the near 3,000 words you just threw onto a page. If you want to really work hard on a story and produce something quality, something worthy of being posted for the fine people of this site to read then do as Sigma was asking.
Also, if your editor/prereader is your friend you might as well stop now. Get someone who isn't a friend, someone impartial. That's the only way to improve.
3873818 Dude, we all see it bothers you. Just don't respond. You're trying to put out a fire with fuel.
Well actually, I accidently delete some and the other ones were my comments.
3873836 I dont know my friends email
3873855
...They're your friend. How do you not know your friend's e-mail?
3873849 There's a confirmation popup before deleting comments, you can't do it by accident. Digging your own grave here, man. Just stop responding.
3873860 I cant ask him now. I can only ask him tomorrow at school
3873864 I thought I was deleting one of my comments
3873880 I get the point. You hate. I dont care anymore
Well, I got to go. I will be expecting more negitive comments.
'Eyo! What's up, m8? I'm your harbinger! I show up when sh*t's about to get real bad, but I show up now because I love tryin' ta help poor saps out of a jam if I can. Let's see, what's been tackled in your comments so far?...... Yeah, seems most of the glaring issues were covered. Listen, Jimothy, might I call y-- actually, f*ck what you think, I'm callin' ya Jimothy!
So, Jimothy, bro-ham-string! What's with the deleted comments, mah bro-ski-santos? Don't be playin' that. Ya hurtin' me, son, ya hurtin' me. Also, like mah pal Normal said, ya really wanna make these things longer. The average chapters in some of my stories are the length of this whole story thus far. Now, true, you're obviously new here, so you've got work ahead of ya. That's icy icy icy. It's a chill thang muda-brotha.
Okay, no, seriously though. Brony be damned, this site can be harsh to new guys. They'll usually be all kindsa chill if ya work with 'em, but the moment you start chuckin' fuel, these trolls gonna lightcha up! Lemme be brief, though: Work on length, don't drop comments, don't feed the trolls.
Got it, Jimothy? Good. Chase, out!
3873928 Ok. There's no more food for da trolls
3873940 Good man, Jimothy! I'll be sticking around, though. Don't wantcha burnin' me, man. Can't have ya be burnin' me and feedin' these guys. It hurts bein' burned, man. It hurts, I tells ya.
3873951 Why would i burn ya?
3873965 Ya never know, mate. Ya never know. But, ya seem chill, Jimothy, so I'm gonna leave ya be here. Ya seems a good guy. I'll trust ya don't go burnin' me. See ya!
Bye Chase
3873864 Sigma, you still there?
3874017
I'm here. I've been keeping an eye on things.
I'm going to expand on what I said earlier now.
I told you to make things longer, didn't I? But I didn't go about how to do so. Right now your consists, almost literally, of "character did this. Than this."
That is the writing expected of someone in second grade to be bluntly.
You have to expand upon your actions. If you show more detail your readers will be able to feel more than the urge to wipe this story from their mind with bleach. I'll give you an example.
That's about the type of sentence you have right now. Great. It's a complete sentence, nothing great but it has a subject, a verb, all that jazz. But what do we honestly know about what's going on? Can we spice things up?
Yes we can.
Which sentence strikes you as more interesting to read, hmmm?
Next there is something else you need to tackle about description.
First don't outright describe your character. Even if they're are looking into a mirror, doing this can often end up clumpy and it breaks up the flow of your story. Do it gradually. Maybe someone makes an offhand comment about his mane getting a little long. Give the big image in bite sized pieces. Now I'm afraid your clump here has another glaring issue though.
Redundancy.
Try not to tell us the same thing over again. Saying the same thing over again is not something that should be done. Yes, I did that quite on purpose. In your description of your character half of it seems to just be telling us what a swell guy he is, that he is nice. Nice is such a...nice is a word you use with care when you don't want to insult one's feelings. And you are overusing it. That's nice, I guess.
I just wrote this based off of what I remembered reading of the first two chapters O read last night.
Just to warn you, I have been around people who delete comments before. I am no idiot. I will be saving my comment.
3874694 Thanks normal for the info. It will really help me and this story. BTW im not gonna delete any comments anymore.