• Member Since 12th May, 2013
  • offline last seen April 28th

Zealous Shift


T

A human, dressed in villainous attire, get's stuck in Equus by mysterious means. Using his powers for a darker shade of grey, he successfully managed to fight against the superpower that was Equestria. After being captured however, he has had time to reflect on his previous actions and ponder on whether or not they were worth it in the end. Will he persuade himself that his actions were for the best, or will he sway to Celestia's side of thinking? Regardless, he's going to have an awful lot of thinking to get through.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 92 )

Interesting...very interesting...

Welcome to my favorites list: the most exclusive club this side of my front, back, left, and right wall.:ajsmug:

3921998 If I might ask, what did you find interesting? I'm still within the early planning stages, so any criticisms would be welcome.

3922183 And thank you very much. I appreciate every favourite given.

...I'm torn. On the one hand, this guy is a far more tolerable person than Malideus, a story with a similar premise written by a troll. On the OTHER hand, this guy is still something of a jackass for, evidently, getting innocent people KILLED and trying to rationalize it with a "well it was just a few".

3924771 Technically he said he got a few ponies hurt by his actions. If someone did happen to die from injuries or other causes, directly or indirectly from his actions, he wasn't aware of it. As the author, I can say that he wouldn't just suddenly be okay with murder.

Though yeah, his rationalization for most of the story is going to be, "Well, I could have done a lot worse, so I must be doing something right".

By the way, I should also thank you for commenting. Good to have some feedback.
(And yeah, I kind of want him to be a jackass from time to time, just not a completely psychotic one...)
:pinkiecrazy:

At the beginning I was like, 'when did I favorite this?'
But then I got to reading,jokeoffice.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/1ad0c3cd0b4_460s.jpg.jpg

3951345 At first I was insulted,
then I finished reading.
Thanks for the comment.

3951349
Holy titties!
You replied faster than a Kenyan on meth.

3951374 I have to. It's my goal in life. Well that and I enjoy replying to feedback.

You have really slow progression in plot.

4109037
Great change of pace if you ask me... Most stories rush the plot WAY too much.

4109037 I'm appreciative of the comment, but could you clarify if it's a good or bad thing? I've been trying to avoid rushing into the story, (a lot of stories under the same premise were too quick for my liking,) but I'd like too know if I'm taking it a bit too slow.

4109052 Thanks for the comment, if you have any suggests or complaints, feel free to let me know.

I really missed this story.

4154007 At least it wasn't a "It's shit."
Even if it's just a meh, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

4154068

Oh, it's not shit, far from it! I love how original the premise is, in comparison to those posers who just go dressed as an already-existing character.

Very, very well done, good sir.

4154209 Well thank you very much for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed it thus far. Also, I suppose I should also say thank you for starting the whole trend for me to be apart of. I appreciate the feedback, and I hope to keep you entertained in the next chapters, should you decide to come back.

4154217

One question, though: Has Malideus passed by this universe by accident? Because these ponies sure seem afraid of armored wizards.

4154209
Wait, you mean he's not dressed as the Witch-King? The picture lied to me before I even read the story :(

3924771

You shut your heretical mouth, daemon!

4154875 He is wearing the crown of the Witch King as part of his costume, but like the Vader Mask of Darth Vulcan it isn't dominating his personality. Though for fun, and for anyone who recognized the original picture, I was going to put in a couple Witch King references. So I only kind of lied to you.


4154902 I was wondering how long it'd take for you to find that post...
Also, in regards to the previous "demon" to pass through Equestria, that's a surprise for later on. There's going to be a couple hints as to who it might be, but for now no one, (not even me,) knows who the big guy actually was.

4156478
:D You just didn't want people to know, that's why you used LotRO's instead of Jackson's! I'm on to you buddy, so watch yourself!

Also, I'm hoping that demon is Bartimaeus, cause that'd be epic. I should also get around to reading this at some point... I'd probably help.

4157280 It would help if you eventually read it. If you have anything to say about the story, when you read it that is, that'd be great as well.

I see, so because he looks like someone else, it's a classic case of mistaken identity. Well then...isn't the obvious solution "ask someone with magical skill to make you look totally different than what you are now"? In fact, why not try and ask Discord? And for starters, lose the outfit that makes you stand out. If he's disguised as, say, a Minotaur or something, nobody would really notice him much.

4154902

Dude, your character is a dick, and a deliberately poorly written one with no real characterization beyond mustache twirling villainy and cruelty. He's the kind of guy who tied damsels to train tracks for kicks. Stop trying to pretend otherwise.

4157380

Ha! I knew you two were the same person!

Aww, look at the big hero feeling bad for these fetid creatures.

God knows he's a better man than me.

4157380 Regardless of your opinion of Malideus, I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult the story, character or author. I've seen arguments started over much less.

Regarding your question though, I do appreciate the feedback, ngrey651. In the earlier chapters he mentioned, (briefly,) how the costume could get some negative reactions. He also said that without it, he'd only have an undershirt and pants left. If things go south without the armour anyways, (seeing as how he's the only human they'd assume he was the demon anyways,) he'd rather have the armor on than off. Especially since he realizes that he's surrounded by vicious and dangerous creatures later on. About asking for a disguise, they were on a bit of a time constraint. It's not really that much of a spoiler, but he's going to be asking Discord if he can help out in that department later on. Not going to say anything else about it though.

4157536 There's a reason I'm going to be submitting this to LOHAV eventually. Even if he's wanting to make friends with them, it's going to get pretty bad later on. Not necessarily crazy murder fest, but you get the idea.

4157502

Yes, because as we ALL know, nobody can EVER respond to another comment that someone else makes! I mean, that's just physically impossible! XD

4157545

Ah, so you DID think ahead. Smart. Just make sure that there's not too many contrivances, like him just HAPPENING to run into people who can solve immediate problems for him like some other people who will go unnamed do for THEIR characters.

4157777 I thought about who our protagonist here would run into and Discord seemed to make the most sense. He's the only one who would generally be interested in the plot and has the power to keep the story going. And don't worry, Discord isn't going to turn into the problem solver for everything. His involvement, in the least spoiler-y way I can surmise, is going to be trying to help him get home and not die. Some problems might be solved by some other big players later on, but I'm not going to divulge such sensitive information. At least not in public comments anyways.

Hrm hrm. :ajbemused:

Yes. Continue what you're doing right here. Good job. Imagine my surprise when I clicked on this and instead of finding a piece of literature with the... failings of Malideus (No offense to the author), I found a well-written, compelling story. Kudos to you, author person, I hope ye continue to write more of this, and quickly at that, so I might sate my hunger.

I'd say, so far the best part of this story is probably the narrative itself. It's well-written, has few typos and grammatical errors, knows how to construct a sentence, and is introspective in just the right way, combining action and thought well. Me likey.:pinkiesmile:

I also enjoy your protagonist, since I think his reactions are realistic and his mindset and experiences seem to be well-represented (See: Narrative). I, personally, don't think raving and screaming is the realistic response to meeting an alien species, so I'm rather fond that he, instead, simply tried to remain unknown to them. I'm also fond of his pragmatism: it's not evil, but he's willing to do some shit and shoulder the burden to do so in order to survive, while staying shy of more extreme things like murder. And that's a good thing, very rarely can a protagonist kill innocent people willy nilly and still stay likeable (See: Jericho), and it helps keep him relatable.

Lastly, I'll tell you that I like your other characters. Take for instance Discord, who's mischievously helpful and, largely, the protagonist's benefactor. By putting him in this non-antagonistic role, I recognize that you've done away with the issue of "Omnipotent Super-Discord" steamrolling the protagonist. And that would be boring. The crowning piece, which I'd like to mention, is Steven Magnet, though. I have never, ever read a story where Steven Magnet had actual character depth, as I saw it. And yet, by adding one scene where we see that he is not only generally cheery, but also lethal if he needs to be. I.e., you gave him more character depth than I've ever seen before, and I like that.

So in conclusion, keep writing and I'll keep reading. Keep doing well, and I'll fave, giving you a spot on my not-at-all-prestigious but still pretty excluse Favorite's List, which is practically the highest honor I can give you.

I've given you a like, though. :raritywink:

4160851 Well... I must say thank you for this extensive review. This is the first review that I've gotten for fiction, so... Well I don't really know what to say except thank you. I really appreciate all the time you took into writing. I hope I won't disappoint in later installments, because I want to get into that favourites list.

This story looks like it should be submitted to the League of Humans Acting Villanious group... I've yet to read it, but I will do it the first thing tomorrow.

4184394 The thing about the League, (which I have been apart of since I believe pre-100 members era,) is that it's about humans acting villainous. Our protagonist here hasn't done anything really evil in the story so far, so I'm waiting two or three more chapters before submitting.
Also, I appreciate the fact that you're honest about not reading yet. I hope that I don't disappoint you come tomorrow morning. If I do, well that's alright, just tell me what I did wrong.

4184408

Why do we need MORE villainous or dickish protagonists? This site and popular culture is already INFESTED with them. For God's sake, SUPES SNAPPED A GUY'S NECK!

4184636. Not that kind if evil mate. While I like to read Malideus every now and then just to have a good laugh with a completely insane character doesn't mean I'm going to make a character that rips him off like that. He isn't going to murder anyone or take candy from babies. It's a story about a human in Equestria that got in a bad position and did what he felt was the right thing. Good and evil are relative after all. Still, if you have any recommendations, I'm all ears. No sarcasm intended, if you have a suggestion I'll listen to it.

4184408

Actually,neither did a lot of protaganists (Darth Vulcan, Invention, Solaire,Tobi & Yoshimitsu), but eventually, they DID something that can be seen as villianous to a not omniscient bystander, either by accident, (darth scared foals, kidnaped DT| Sol./Tobi/Yoshi. caused mass destruction); or by asociation (darth's D'dogs almost enslaved a caravan, invention helped a theif to escapa from the guard).

In that regard, even if he did not acted with premeditation or evil intent, to ponies, it looks like the new villain of the week that took a mare hostage at crystal-edge point, which looks prertty evil.

4184744 That was what I was going for. He's not trying to be evil, he kind of runs into situations where it's evil or really evil.

4184693

Okay, saying good and evil are relative is pretty horrifying, that just means people can do whatever crap they want to others, but if you point out they're being dicks, they'll just be all 'oh don't you push your beliefs on ME, jerk". Morals are relative at worst and objective at best. Never relative.

But if you want genuine good advice...have your character actually miss home. I mean think about it. In almost all the human in Equestria stories they NEVER pine for home. No quiet, sad moments wishing they were back in their warm bed. No lonely nights curled up, realizing today was their birthday and they won't get to hear their mother and father's voice as they surprise him with a cake. No friends or family they keep in their thoughts. It almost NEVER happens. It's so unrealistic and so insulting to how people should act.

4184763
And it's really working, the whole 'looking like a demon relly good at lying' , if a bit contrived (like any other story startig point), seems solid enough, also, the ponies having a... naive, shallow, well the kind of mentality that makes a pragmatic average Joe look like a competent strategist is going to get him some fame.

On the another note (No need to spoilers), did he got magic? He did not seem to notice, so i'm wondering where could it come from. (I mean it IS contrived, but there are levels, maybe the stone suddenly got magic, or maybe is a catalyst/focus for this equestrian magic that gets into anything living,etc,etc. up to you)

4184823
Well, he does miss home, but is conscious that there is someone working on it:

“Don’t worry though, I have a plan,” Discord announced, breaking me out of my depression, “Seeing as how I’m reformed, and I never want to see anyone ever turned to stone again, I’m going to help you out of this mess. It’ll take a while for me to find out just how and where to sound you back, but all you have to do is not get caught for a month or so. I’ll try to stall things as much as I can back at the palace, but don’t go around trying to cause chaos while I’m gone. Not until I can send you back at a moment’s notice, anyways. Good luck and I’ll be seeing you.”

Also, you are talking about moral and manners, wich are only relative among populations,not individuals, you can't pass cutting in a line as relative.

4185204 Well the staff as already been shown to perform magic, in a very slight degree. Remember it changed colour when he first encountered the guards, and our protagonist Henry here did notice it. He realizes that there is some kind of power coming from the staff, he just has no earthly idea on how to use it. Yet. For the moment, it's a shiny club.

Hey-o, almost missed this update. I'm glad I chose to look the story up again, although, in order to avoid a situation like that happening, I've chosen to squander exactly one favorite on this story. Just in case. :trollestia:

As for the combat scenes, yeah, I can agree that there were a few places where I, as an editor, would've asked for clarification or the like. On that note, an EQD pre-reader sent me this earlier today. It's pretty good.

Now, I know you're askin' for an editor and stuff, so I'mma say this: if you ever have any questions or are uncertain about something regarding a scene or something, hook me up, and we'll talk. Preferably with GDocs; GDocs make everything so much easier, in a way. I.e., this is a free invitation to have I, The Grand Quasi One, edit for you, although I feel like a prostitute offering my services like this.

4188870 Thank you very much for the tips and offer. Be warned, I might actually take you up on such a despicable deal. Just thought I'd let you know. Also, thanks for the favourite, even if it's only to make sure you keep track of it.

The human protagonist...actually missing his home, thinking about the dangers of remaining here and having a genuine moment when he's vulnerable and sad, missing his family?

THANK YOU JESUS, at LONG LAST!

Finally! FINALLY some realistic reactions!

>sees the helmet of the Witch king
>will put on my read later

4223196 If you can believe it, the part was actually put in because of you. I was planning on having the emotional, "I'm going to die here," moment come later, but then I remembered our conversation on 'realistic HIE'. I realized that if I was going to make a good character, I needed to actually listen to those kind enough to comment and think about things critically. So yeah, I'm trying.

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