• Published 9th Feb 2014
  • 4,247 Views, 92 Comments

Phobos - Zealous Shift

A human, dressed in villainous attire, get's stuck in Equus by mysterious means. After struggling with the Equestrian superpower, he has time to reflect on his actions.

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Author's Note:

Warning! This is not edited! I literally just finished typing this out! If you want an update, then go ahead and read! Though you may want to wait until roughly this time tomorrow for me to go over this with a fine comb.

Additionally, here's Nicolas Cage punching a woman whilst wearing a bear suit. Don't ask me why this is necessary, but it's related to the chapter. And several following chapters. (Spoilers!)


Despite my previous thoughts, I had actually managed to run back into the very same clearing I had ended up in. It was quite easy to tell, the indentation where I landed was still neatly pressed into the ground. I had just realized that I did in fact land there, seeing as how it was about three inches into the ground. My mind would have made something of it, were I not breathing so heavily one would think I was hyperventilating. Though I probably was anyways.

Though my dad did teach me about the benefits of adrenaline, he never did mention how it made everything feel even worse when it finished. I had a couple cuts on my face from all the branches I had run into on the way back, but fortunately none of the “ponies” followed me in. Perhaps it was due to the fact Rarity said it was dangerous? That should have been something that I paid attention to, but it wasn’t like I was in a position to leave. I was twice their size, looked like Sauron and attacked one of their kin. I couldn’t just walk out and say, “my bad,” to make everything all better.

The amour I was wearing didn’t help my position either. I walked fairly loudly and the weight of it slowed me down considerably. Either I had to wear it or risk walking around in the woods half naked. The cloak would still cover everything important, but I’d be walking around without footwear or any kind of head protection. My face would have been ripped in half if the helmet didn’t block most of the branches before they could scratch me. After a minute of debate, I decided I should keep everything with me.


The forest shivered at the sound of the voice, ringing so loudly and clearly that the ground seemed to shake. Perhaps it was my intense headache, but it also echoed throughout my mind for several seconds after finishing. Regardless of the identity of whoever screamed, they seemed pretty mad. I knocked her over, it’s not like I shot her or anything. Deciding it was better if I found myself to get lost, as opposed to being found by the voice’s owner, I started to head deeper into the woods. Albeit at a slower pace, but much better than being found out.

Having the relative clarity of mind, I was left to go over the information that I had summarized since arrival. For whatever reason, I was stuck in an alien world of equine like beings. Said beings were sapient, spoke English and identified as ponies. While not that important, it would be useful is I was to ever attempt communication with them. Additionally, the Halloween costume I had on was also no longer a costume as it was turned into a real form. It had its pros and cons, but the situation with my apparel was more odd than anything else, which was a lot considering everything else.

Rushing water could be heard coming from the general direction of my wandering, so that meant there had to be a river within close proximity. Its presence addressed the worries of dehydration, but there was a high chance of some kind of alien bacteria inside. Unless I could purify it, which I couldn’t without some kind of container, I would have to brave the situation and pray that it wouldn’t kill me. Food would most likely not be an issue, considering that I was wandering the woods. I’d have to find some kind of fruit or vegetable, but it would still bring up the issue of being poisonous. What worried me however was the source of water nearby. If I’ve learned anything from National Geographic, the bigger the animal, the closer it’d be to water. God help me if the universe thought it fit to re-enact the boat scene from Jurassic Park 3 on me.

Pushing those thoughts to the side, I’d cross that bridge when I got to it, I continued reviewing my encounter. Rarity mentioned a Princess, meaning that some form of Royal family had to exist. She was apparently in town, which meant that there would be plenty of guards to accompany her. I took a moment to chuckle at the thought of an actual pony princess, but remained focused. The forest I was stranded in was known as the Everfree, which for one reason or another was dangerous. Whether or not it’d be dangerous for me was debatable. Was it the kind of “you could get lost in there” kind of woods, or “there are bears in there” kind of woods? Or secret supernatural option three, “Slenderman lives in there” woods? Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if Slenderman was in stuck in the woods with me. Well obviously I’d be very surprised if he spontaneously jumped out and killed me, but the concept of us being in the same forest by that point wouldn’t be.

A cacophony of wolf howls broke out somewhere around me. Fortunately, after visiting my great uncle in the Canadian Northwest, I learned something about survival. Granted I was just as ready to survive in the woods as a baby, but I knew how to deal with animals. Wolves, or at least the ones he told me about, would hunt in packs, but wouldn’t usually attack humans. You should never turn your back or run away from a wolf pack, as it’s a sign of weakness and often signals them to attack. Same thing applied to bears I believed. If you are cornered, you’re usually going to be put into a Mexican standoff with the pack alpha, so you just need to keep your cool until the alpha goes off to hunt for something else. Or attacks, but they usually ran off before they got desperate enough for that. Also, wolves feared fire, that was important to remember. Those tips, or so my great uncle had told me, would work on practically any land based, mammalian predator. Oddly specific, but there weren’t any more predators to be found in Canadian tundra.

Except for bears. Bears broke the laws of surviving in the Canadian tundra, because they didn’t care enough to give you hope. Bears did not fear fire. You may think that bears fear fire, but they don’t. Bears are not afraid of you either. If you think grabbing a stick from the campfire and waving it around will stave off a hungry bear, you’re dead wrong. Literally, if you’re stupid enough. Fortunately for me, that bear didn’t enjoy climbing trees, it did however enjoy my ham sandwich. I knew I never should’ve eaten in the backyard.

Continuing onward, the overgrowth continued to hinder my progress in slowly fleeing the area. The deeper I went, the more the vines seemed to grow in numbers. The staff also had some machete like qualities. If I swung fast enough, I could cut some of the smaller vines with the crystal. In truth though, it didn’t do much more than keep my footing. Though between my headache, my aching muscles and the severely uneven terrain, it was perhaps the best thing I could have had.

I had finally arrived at the river, only to have my hope of progress be dashed from my mind. The river looked pretty deep, the strong current didn’t help either. It was flat enough nearby to probably get some scoopfuls of water, but still too wide to traverse without getting myself killed. Thankfully it was still clear enough to see if there was anything dangerous lurking beneath the surface, assuming that said creature would be able to sit still long enough to attack me with all the current against it.
“Why hello there!” Came a voice from what could have been several stories above me.

I had to crane my neck, and take quite a few steps back as well, to get a good look at it. There, before me, was a purple sea serpent. Or would it be a river serpent? Regardless, it was easily as big as a dinosaur and bore luxurious orange hair and a mustache. Contributing the apparent hair on a reptile to the insanity of the world, I stood there in shock of the giant thing.
“You’re awfully big for a diamond dog,” he commented, wearing a comforting grin. His misidentification of me broke me out of my trance just long enough for me to form a reasonable reply.

“I-I… I’m not a d-diamond dog…” My voice, despite purposefully strengthened so he could hear me properly, still was broken into stutters.

He was taken aback for a moment, apparently embarrassed that he called me the wrong species. He put his right hand, which only baffled me as to why a giant serpent would need hands, underneath his chin in thought before replying.
“Oh I’m terribly sorry, I’ve never seen a minotaur before. Surely you can forgive me?”

“You’re forgiven, but I’m not a m-minotaur either. I-I’m a human, not that I’d assume you’d know what I am.” I returned. His face scrunched up in thought for a moment. I imagined he was thoroughly embarrassed by that point, mistaking my species twice in a row. The momentary displeasure was removed however as his grin returned. Despite his size, which was quite intimidating, he seemed like quite a likable character. While my first encounter with equine-kind was rather… poor… I could compensate with a better first encounter with serpentine-kind. Or, at least, I hoped.

“Well then my dear, human friend,” he began my clasping his hands together merrily, “I am Steven Magnet, though as a friend may call me Steven.” Steven eh? It was surprising, but for an odd reason. Steven, was by all means a very common and simple name. No one in their right minds would question why a man would be named Steven. The issue was that I was speaking with someone who was not a man, nor were the two of us in a place that was designed by someone in their right mind. Regardless, if he thought it best to set our relationship to friends after only meeting, I thought I should return his decency in kind.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Steven,” I replied, subconsciously extending my hand in greeting. “I’m Henry. It’s good to see a friendly face in this neck of the woods.” Surprisingly, and at tad shocking with how I didn’t realize I had done it, he shook my hand. It was awkward with the size difference, but it felt very real.

I would have continued to talk with my new found ally in a world of madness, had I not noticed the distinctive silhouette of a pegasus flying in the distance. A pegasus, that was apparently flying towards the two of us. I dove for the nearest bush and lay flat on the ground. Before Steven could ask me what was wrong, I began giving him instructions.

“A pegasus is flying up behind you! Don’t turn around! Chances are it’s looking for me. If it asks about anything unusual, tell it you’ve seen nothing and wait for it to get a good distance away. After that, I’ll answer any questions you have.”

I couldn’t hear a reply, but there was a definite nod through all the leaves and branches I was hiding in. Surely enough the pegasus, one with a unicorn’s horn no less, eventually did reach the river. To his credit, Steven acted as though he were doing something as to not look suspicious. He must have actually trusted me. Although I had just met the guy, I had an immense amount of respect for him for covering me in that situation.

“Great serpent,” declared the dark blue pony in an antiquated voice, “one of our subjects has been attacked by a fell demon. Have’st thou seen any sight of the beast?” While I couldn’t see his face with his back turned to me, I could practically feel the turmoil playing out in his head. A shimmering crown was on her head, so no doubt she was the princess previously mentioned. I noticed him slightly fidgeting, but held hope that he wouldn’t turn me in.

“A demon? I’m sorry Princess but I wouldn’t know anything about a demon in the Everfree. I haven’t seen one of those in well over a year.” While my heart rate slowly decelerated, my interest was piqued by the mention of a demon. Even if it was no longer around, it would be an interesting topic to ask him about later on. The Princess, either far too trusting or in too much of a hurry, said her thanks and moved on. Steven waved as she left, but quickly turned back to the bush I was sitting in. At that moment, he didn’t look as merry as when I first met him. His arms were crossed, with a deep frown engraved into his face. If just to rub salt into my petrified wound, his sneer revealed quite amazingly long fangs.

“I want answers. Now.” His voice had a pinch of malice inside it, which was quite unnerving. Everything he did had a sense of gaiety to it, despite his size and shape, I never would have suspected such as sense of anger from him. Reluctantly I got out of the bush and wiped some of the dirt off of my cloak before addressing him properly.

From that I told him of my story, or at least the parts he was likely to believe.

I wasn’t quite sure if laughter was a good sign or bad.

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