Well, it was going to happen eventually.
Most of my stories so far have had layer after layer of GrimDark in them, minus To Run From The Sun. In any case, I figured that going for some comedy would be a breath of fresh air for you guys
So without further ado, let me introduce this little piece of fun I chose to call "Resistance Is Futile"
Begin!
Resistance Is Futile
You know there's always that one moment in your life where you're caught between doing what you want and doing what somepony else wants.
Take my situation for example. All I wanted was to go out on the lash with Shining. You know, have a few beers, play some darts, act like a dick whilst eying up the local mares.
Yes I know I'm taken. It doesn't mean I can't look…it just means I can't touch.
Even if they're rubbing up against me…with their tongues hanging out…and staring at me with half lidded eyes filled with the promise of hot sweaty sex.
Oh…I think I may be a little intoxicated.
Just a little though, honest.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
My little miss whiny, needy, pink, hot and scarily good in the sack marefriend.
EX MAREFRIEND!
Well…maybe, I'm not so sure at the moment. Probably because I'm trying to simultaneously drink my beloved cider whilst also attempting to carry Shining's drunken ass out of a bar fight.
I think that butch looking mare knocked him out…HA!
Anyway let's get back to the good stuff…okay I've drank my cider. Now onto that other thing.
You see, it all started not a few hours earlier. Cadance was trying to sway me into going with her to some fancy Gala that I really, really didn't want to go to.
Please do take into account that between me and Cadance, it was I who tended to give unto her pleading.
I try not to, but she really knows how to master that puppy eyed expression.
"Come on honey, it'll be fun I promise," she chimed hopefully.
"For the last time Cadance, I am NOT going to this," I rejected stubbornly. "Besides I've already promised Shining that we could go and get a few drinks tonight."
At this her expression rapidly soured. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she glared up at me with puffed out cheeks.
"So you'd rather go out with Shining then spend time with your marefriend?" she asked, a slight shine to her eyes…accompanied with a rather adorable cute pout.
Which was quickly followed up with those infamous puppy dog eyes.
"No, no, no, no…Come on, we can resist!"
Despite my brain constantly nagging that it was most unwise to say no, I decided to step it up this time and take a stand against those dreaded eyes.
"I'm not even going there Cadance. We've discussed this before and besides I've rarely had time for Shining with all the time I've spent with you."
She scoffed at this and stamped her hoof on the ground in frustration, all cuteness rapidly disappearing from her features.
"You can go out another time Alex," she challenged fiercely. "This Gala only comes about once a year and I really don't want to go on my own!"
"Well you're gonna have to Cadey!" I growled, irritation seeping into my words. "I promised I'd go out and that's what I'm going to do."
"You can go out! But I'm your marefriend, you're coming out with me!"
"I don't care if you're my marefriend!" I exploded furiously. "Look, I've made my decision and that's final!"
By this point Cadance was breathing quite heavily, exasperation plastered all over her face as her eyes bored into my own.
"Fine," she snarled angrily. "Go! But don't even think about coming back here tonight."
"Fine!" I snarled back. "I won't, not tonight or any other night. I need some bloody space, so somepony better strike me down I refuse this golden opportunity."
The words were more driven by anger than common sense, but I was sick of Cadance always getting her way with our decisions. She always managed to somehow sway me into doing what she wanted, normally with a deep smooch or a teasing nibble that promised more if I complied.
But not this time. This time I was doing what I wanted to do.
Cadance's eyes were shining with angry tears, but being the strong pony she was, she refused to let them fall.
I could hear the warble in her retort however…it nearly made me take back what I said.
"F-Fine then, I d-don't need you as much as y-you think anyway! Go!"
"She's a terrible liar." I thought mockingly…and a bit cruelly now that I think about it.
But I was angry, cut me some slack.
With a raised eyebrow at her pitiful declaration, I turned away and grabbed my jacket, before heading towards the door and opening it forcefully.
"Alex!"
I stopped momentarily but didn't turn around. I could still feel my heart pounding from the adrenaline I worked up during the argument.
"Don't go baby, I…Can we talk about this please?" she begged, her eyes suddenly twice their size, creating an unbelievable amount of adorability.
But that's Cadance for you. Not a mere ten seconds after an argument and any confidence she once had begins to fall apart rapidly.
Normally she's quite assertive and doesn't take any crap. But with me…I don't know, it's as though she's worried she'll say the wrong thing and decides to just back down.
I do the same sometimes mind you, so it's not entirely one sided.
Cadance said that it was her nature as the incarnation of love to embrace said passionate emotion. And seeing that arguing and fighting tend to be the opposite of this, she more or less caves into her nature and tries to remedy the situation every time we have a minor fight.
But this wasn't a minor fight and I was sick of giving into what she decided all the time.
"I'm going for a drink with Shining, Cadance."
I heard her stamp her hoof on the ground once more but paid it no mind. I knew what was coming next anyhow.
"For Celestia's sake Alex!" she cried impatiently. "Can you please just do this one thing for me?"
"It's always just one thing with you Cadance," I scoffed in annoyance. "I'm doing what I want for once, enjoy the Gala."
And with that I made my way out of the door, Cadance's voice yelling at me as I did so.
"FINE! BUT DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING BACK!"
"Wasn't planning on it bitch." I thought victoriously.
And that Mares and Gentlestallions, is how you successfully fuck up an argument with your spouse.
Once I managed to carry my drunk best friend back to the Sparkle residence, I too made my way back to the palace. I wasn't drunk per say, but I was rather tipsy and so decided to keep my mouth shut whenever the Guards snickered at my stumbling…and spontaneous jumping.
"D-Do you need some help sir?" asked one of them bemusedly.
"Keep your trap shut Alex…Just don't say a wor-"
"No need my good man!" I denied enthusiastically. "I assure you that my next leap, will be the leap home!"
"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"
That's why I keep my mouth shut. In my head I was kinda shouting at myself, but on the outside I was as happy go fucking lucky as can be.
Plus I always tended to spout random quotes…from things I swore I should have known.
Anyway everything after that was a little blurry, but I assumed that I made it back okay. That was until I opened my eyes and looked straight into the blinding sun…on the roof, with one bloody mother of a hangover.
"Oh lord strike me down! My head, my body, my fecking everything!"
"Alex?"
I squinted down from atop what must have been quite a few stories high, only to swallow as Celestia's face filled my vision. Said Princess was flying up to meet me, a very large smirk adorning her muzzle.
"You're on the roof," she tittered in amusement.
"Really?" I asked dryly. "Thank you for your infinite wisdom oh wise one, I had no idea."
She cocked an eyebrow slowly before grinning and landing beside me.
"Is there any particular reason you're here and not in bed with Cadance then?" she inquired curiously. "Or why you obviously have a hangover?"
"No." I mumbled, trying my utmost not to cry as I rubbed my aching head.
Celestia just sat down and stared at me sternly, obviously waiting for the truthful answer.
Yeah…for knowing the things I do, I'm actually a rather terrible liar sometimes.
I think at least six seconds passed us by before I caved.
"Okay fine, Cadance and I had a bit of an argument last night."
My mother figure…No, no you know what, fuck it!
I've been thinking about her in every other way but my mother for a long time, despite obviously seeing her as my mom in every way. But no more!
She was the one who sang me to sleep when I was scared. She was the one who comforted me night after night because of terrible nightmares.
She was the one who…who saved my life in Griffonia, who nearly destroyed half the country in her rage.
Sometimes I can still see those demonic green eyes glaring at…everything, black smoke creeping out of their edges, her horn alight with tremendous power as she stared down at the pleading griffon, the one who nearly ended my life.
His screams as she…carved my name into his chest.
And yet I still remember her sobs, the way in which her body became wracked with tremors as I held her.
It was a horrible day, yet also a memorable one. For when the whole mess was sorted out and we left, leaving a very disturbed Queen and a comatose assassin, the two of us became so close…and I loved her like a mother, my mother.
I even began to call her it…but then she happened, and I lost faith in Celestia. But no more, not another day will I refuse myself…refuse the title she deserves.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Mom's expression became concerned and she quickly tried to trot over to me…only to stumble as she suddenly seemed to realize that we were on a roof.
"Get on my back," she said kindly.
"What?"
"I'd much rather talk where I'm not worried about you or I breaking our necks," she explained, amusement and care reflecting in her eyes.
I hesitated but complied when I saw her anxious eyes watching where I was walking. Once I reached her, she bent down and I awkwardly climbed onto her back, being careful to avoid trapping her wings with my legs.
Her mane and tail quickly lost their magical flow, not that it was really surprising anymore. In any case, I honestly expected her to be unable to carry me, but she actually took my weight like a champ.
And so with a quick smile in my direction, she spread her powerful wings and glided down to the ground. There were a few guards and maids watching us, some with awe and others with amusement.
Mom's hooves clopped onto the smooth marble floor a few seconds later and she bent down once more, allowing me to climb off of her back as…best I could without looking like a muppet.
I failed and nearly tripped over, but it's the thought that counts.
Anyway once I managed to right myself, I noticed that everypony minus mom and I were gone. Said Alicorn had cocked her head while looking at me inquisitively.
"Uhh Mom?"
Mom's eyes widened in surprise at my words…that word, not that I blamed her. I hadn't called her "Mom" for a little under two years.
In all honesty I never really thought it bothered her that much. We both knew how we saw the other so I figured words shouldn't have been that necessary…no, no that's not true.
Well it's a part of the reason why…but not the whole truth. And as I looked into her eyes, the way that they shone with happiness made me mentally kick myself for being so stupid, so stubborn!
"You haven't called me that for a long time," she said softly, a huge smile worming its way onto her muzzle.
"We didn't talk as much when I turned sixteen," I replied sadly. "I know why but…I just figured with you ignoring me too, that you didn't want me to call you that anymore."
Mom's eyes closed as she shook her head, before opening once more as she walked over to me and sat down.
The height difference between us wasn't that big, but whilst being the tallest pony in Equestria, she still only came up to my chin…unless you counted her horn.
"Of course I still wanted you to call me that," she admitted remorsefully. "What Silver Tongue said meant nothing to me and I don't care about the political backlash, I never have."
Mom chuckled dryly and placed her hoof on my cheek, moving my head so as to look down at her.
She was smiling in a way that I couldn't help but recognise. It was the exact same smile she had…when I woke up after being near fatally poisoned in Griffonia.
It's…It's what made me call her my mother for the first time, for she was the only one here who treated me like her own blood. Shining and Cadance treated me like a brother at first…then more obviously in Cadance's case.
Sparky was more needy and dependant on Shining and I, which wasn't too surprising when you considered just how sheltered and anti-social she was.
Heh, was. Maybe I'll right down just how close we became sometime, as well as how she managed to make a friend all on her own.
It certainly was a memorable moment, and I was so proud of her when it occurred.
"Alex, I've loved you like a son ever since I nearly lost you that terrible night," Celestia confessed, a single tear vanishing as she blinked it away. "You're my little colt and no matter how much time passes, that will never change."
"Even when I'm wrinkly, drooling and in a wheelchair?" I quipped light-heartedly, trying my best to break her out of the sombre mood she'd gotten herself into.
"We'll see," she laughed cheerfully, wrapping her hooves around me and hugging me tightly. I knelt down and returned the hug happily, burying my face in her shoulder.
It honestly surprised me just how much I had missed this. We hugged all the time but…it was never really with this amount of closeness.
But then…something peculiar happened.
It was when we eventually let go of each other that I noticed the secretive grin adorning her muzzle. Said grin was only there for a second…but it made me contemplate her answer to my joke.
Before I could think any further on the subject however, Mom had wrapped her left wing around my shoulders and had begun to more or less pull me with her, smiling widely as she trotted merrily down the…pathway?
Oh yeah, I was on the roof before.
"So what were you and my niece arguing about then?" she asked, concern laced within her tone, even as her eyes shone with mirth.
"She wanted me to go to the Gala with her," I replied exasperatedly.
Mom raised an eyebrow slowly as we turned the corner, making our way back inside the palace. There were two guards following us silently…I hadn't actually noticed them until then.
"And why was this a problem?" Mom inquired.
"Because I'd already promised Shining that we could have a night out together," I huffed in irritation. "I love Cadance but I spend so much time with her that I forget about Shining sometimes. And the one time that I don't, she throws a hissy fit and declares that she 'doesn't need me anyway'.
Mom hummed in apparent understanding before opening the door to a spare chamber and gesturing for me to follow her inside.
"Every couple has their arguments sweetie," she stated simply. "If this is the first major one you've had then it's going to be the first test in your relationship."
Ahh, Mom always had a way of turning something into a test. Thought to be honest, I suppose she was actually quite correct this time…not that she isn't most of the time, but whatever.
"I know," I admitted. "I just want her to understand that I have a life outside of our relationship. However if she's going to be petty about it then I'm just not going to speak to her."
"And what will that accomplish?" she inquired, her eyes boring into me mercilessly.
"I don't know," I sighed, exasperation evident in my tone.
Mom's gaze didn't waver in the slightest as we turned a corner, though how she kept her eyes on me without bumping into something was beyond my comprehension.
It must have been a mare thing.
"Okay fine, I'll try and talk to her!" I cried, trying and failing not to sound frustrated.
"Good colt," she praised happily, her wing reaching up to pat me on my head. "Remember, even if it doesn't work, you at least know that you tried."
I merely sighed and yawned somewhat…only to suddenly realize just how badly I smelt of alcohol as I did so.
"Um, I think it's best that go have a shower," I admitted sheepishly. "At least before I do anything else."
"I agree," she approved, fanning a wing in front of her snout playfully. "I wasn't going to say anything, but you smell like a brewery."
"Right to the point aren't you?"
"I aim to please."
With nothing but a tittering alicorn echoing as she walked away, I grinned and quickly made my way to my chambers…if not a little apprehensively.
Yet as I turned the handle and stepped inside, I saw nothing inside except an unmade bed and a…picture. Quirking an eyebrow, I went over to the bed and picked it up gingerly, before twirling it around and blinking in surprise.
The picture in question was one of Cadance and myself. The two of us were holding the other tightly, she with her left wing and me with my right arm. Both of us were looking at the other with such…love in our expression, in fact I actually didn't remember ever getting this picture taken…though that was probably because I was too busy gazing at my marefriend.
In any case, what made me feel somewhat surprised wasn't the picture in question, but rather the peculiar wet spots covering various parts of said picture.
"Was she crying?"
The thought made me feel…well, like shit if I'm being honest. I mean I know that I was completely in the right to do what I did, yet seeing that picture…well, it made me regret my choice.
Shaking my head, I put the photo down and made my way towards the shower, which I then began to use for the next ten minutes or so.
Once I was thoroughly washed and dressed, I left my chambers and made my way down to the dining area, which was on the opposite end of the castle, as opposed to the throne room which was on the other end.
Upon entering said room however, my eyes quickly locked onto…onto her. Though when she heard me enter and looked up, her gaze swiftly went right back onto her breakfast.
Sighing, I sat down opposite her and ordered a bowl of Celesti-O's for myself, before looking back at her as I began to…try and say something.
"So…how was the Gala?" I asked curiously, though I instantly kicked myself at the stupid question.
"It was fine," she mumbled, apparently still refusing to look at me as she eat her pancakes.
"Oh, well okay then," I muttered, trying my best not to sigh as she merely nodded.
Unfortunately, every attempt to make any conversation from then on was pretty much pointless. Cadance would either nod, hum, or simply just ignore me. And Mom wasn't exactly any help with her constant nodding and amused smile.
In fact I was so frustrated by the end of breakfast that I…kind of made a little scene.
But it was justified!
"Okay, fuck it!" I blurted suddenly, ignoring Cadance's somewhat stunned expression as I stood up. "I can't be arsed with the silent treatment anymore. So come find me when you've grown up a little."
"When I've grown up a little?!" Cadance shouted, her eyes wide with anger. "You're the one who ran off last night, not me!"
"Ran off!" I cried, trying my best not to laugh at the incredulousness of it all. "I kept a promise to a friend and you blew up in my face about it!"
"Well maybe you deserved it for making me go to that stupid Gala on my own!" she snapped.
"You didn't have to go, you could have come out with us!"
"No I couldn't have!" she countered irritably. "I'd already promised half those insufferable nobles that I'd attend."
"And I'd promised Shining that I'd go out for a drink or two with him," I retorted tetchily.
Cadance suddenly stood up from the table and glared at me angrily, before puffing up her cheeks and storming off, her voice filling the room as she did so.
"I'm not arguing about this Alex. So come find me when you're ready to admit that you're sorry!"
"Admit that I'M SORRY?!"
That…that fucking mare!
Waving my hands in the air exasperatedly, I swiftly stomped off in the opposite direction, ignoring the chuckling guards as I muttered pretty words under my breath.
I mean come on, she thinks that I have to grow up?
…Bloody mares.
A new story? I'm on that shit.
Alex needs to learn the three men rules of being in a relationship.
Rule 1: The girlfriend/wife is always right.
Rule 2: Even if the facts show that the girlfriend/wife is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
Rule 3: If you even find yourself winning an argument against the girlfriend/wife, apologize immediately.
Wooo new story by most awesomest author on fimfiction!
I am Cadance.
Resistance is futile.
You will love me.
feh...
3850279
hef...
3850282
Huff...
Well, obviously Alex is in the right here. He did make a promise.
And breaking a promise is the fastest way to lose a friend.
Forever.
3850288
ffuH...
3850294
...
You amuse me. You get an upvote.
3850297
I aim to please
Alex all the way, I know I'd go crazy if I couldn't see my best friend for months on end
Let the games begin!!!
3850247
Yup. He's fucked.
I don't know what to say about this story; I felt like I've already read this story before. The only thing that bothers me is that you started another story when you already have others that have yet to be finished. I often find myself waiting for new chapters for one of your stories, but a new story appears and the story that I've been waiting on get neglected. Either way, good job.
3850482
The only one I have yet to finish is The Endless Nightmare, which I've already said that I'd be working on after this.
Son Of My Eye has been canceled, and The Royal Break Up Chronicles is on pause until I finish Chrysalis's Chronicle.
Makes little sense to do another chronicle without finishing Chrissy's one first XD
In any case, that's that.
Thanks for the compliment
3850247 Well damn dont matter who I think is right then.
3850580
Yeah, that's this song was invented:
[youtube=WQ5CIr0NOs4]
Cadance the lady is always right
Alex
killthehydra.com/wp-content/uploads/welcome-to-a-relationship-drew-carey-meme.jpg
Cadance
jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/561602_471844312868579_1600893407_n.jpg
I've been waiting for this for long time, and I don't know who is right if they don't settle there differences Cadence well end up with some other Stallion, and Alex well have nothing, like have empty shell of his heart.
Well my unbiased opinion is that Alex is in the right. However with women this quote is necessary," I reject your reality and substitute my own." In other words logic has no power here XD
Alex
AlexxCandance Iwas mising this romance but one question you will finish T.E.N after you finish never judge?
3850905
I'll finish it after I've done this XD
3850912 Glad to hear it.
HAHAHA YES!!! ANOTHER CADANCE AND ALEX FIC!! FINALLY!!
featured again
great story cant wait so to see how the rest unfolds
I have to agree with Alex on this one, I mean he does spend heaps of time with her and so one night he goes out with Shining and she gets all pissy... Bloody mares.
3850247 Yeah well that's just the way things are and it fucking sucks for us guys.
3850258 You got dat right!
3851093
Yeah and whoever thumbed me down is not going to be getting any anytime soon. Sucks to be those poor SOBs
3851105 DW I thumbed up xD
3851105
I'm still trying to figure out where all these fecking downvotes are coming from
Seriously downvoters, at least give me a hint
3851117
You have the word "Human" in the tag list. That's why
3851141
Really?
That's a bit sad
3851144 Not really. You wrote a clopfic with humans. Get in line with the other ten million author's who've done it and gained a thousand followers.
3851154
I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere in the middle of that line XD
3851144
It really is, but that's just how it goes. People downvote things that they dislike when it comes to subject matter (or as they say, "principle") instead of whether or not it's actually a well written story. It's really pathetic. If I don't like the subject matter, I don't read it and leave it alone. If I read something, and then can list rational, literary reasons why I dislike it, then I'll thumb it down.
EDIT: I love my browser's autocorrect. It'll "fix" things that are actually correct. Like fixing "written" to "write"...
3851164
I wish there were more people like you then
3851161 *shrugs*
Probably. Anyways, Human+clop is very controversial here. Either you're like me, and you fucking hate it, or you're like all the other sexually frustrated manchildren and you can't get enough of it.
3851168
I'm neither, I just write it because I can, and apparently I'm pretty good at it too. At least if my follower count is anything to go by
3851177 Well that's good. I respect you as an author, and when I say this I am in no way trying to bash you down.
But getting followers by writing human clopfics isn't any harder than getting wet in the rain.
Even if you write it like absolute garbage, people still like it for reasons unknown to me. being good is a bonus, but it's barely a contribution when it comes to collecting brainless sheep.
3851168
And if you hate it so bad, why are you reading it? Seems like a dumb reason to downvote something if you know you will dislike it in the first place. Besides, there's no clop in this story (at least not yet).
3851167
They are the vocal minority, while the rest (like myself) are the silent majority.
3851196 One, I wasn't talking to you. And two, I'm not reading the story, I'm looking at the comments.
Also *much. The correct term is "hate it so much."
3851195
I like to think most of my followers came from Never Judge A Bug, which has maybe 2000 ish words of clop in the entire story.
Though I'm most likely dreaming, all well, it's a good dream
3851207 I don't know you, so I can't judge that. I hope they did as well if that's the case.
Yeah Alex is gonna be on the couch for awhile... Hopefully he still has his playcolts because if he doesn't he is gonna have some serious blue balls
Phil Collins said it best... sang it best "We Had A Life, We Had A love, But You Don't Know What You Got Till You Lose It"Phil Collins. But Seriously,1989,Atlantic Records, track 4, Something Happened On The Way To Heaven
Somepony really needs a hug. I bet Cadence will listen to Equestrias version of Steve Perry, Richard Marx, or Phil Collins.
the relation of the three artists... they all sing love songs.
What home? Cadence is pist as hell at you Alex. I suggest you run for your life.
Hey its like The Hangover!
A bit of an argument? You left her alone without you, she more than likely had to deal with high class nobles and other shit. Bottom line, Alex you were a complete ass.
And I blew her off because getting drunk is more important than the happiness of my lover.
Well mom It will certainly make me a jack ass and most likely sign my death warrant.
In all I have to agree with Cadence... I mean from my experience with relationships the mare is always right.
Edit- After re-reading the story I must say I am somewhere in the middle. Both Alex and Cadence have reasons to be pist off so as of 9:59 AM 1/27/2014 I am undecided.
3851215
Aye.
Believe it or not, I'm not even planning to put clop in this story. The sex tag is there just in case the mods don't like some of the...uhh, mature talk.
Mature tag is there for language, nothing else.
I was contemplating on making it a teen with no S-tag, but was a little bit nervous that it wouldn't get approved by the mods if I did
3851204
One: You don't have be to a fucking asshole about it.
Two: The point still stands, why are you here if you hate the subject matter.
Three: Stand guard for ten hours, and then come talk to me about grammar.