• Published 26th Jan 2014
  • 48,009 Views, 6,079 Comments

Bad Mondays - Handyman



A particularly stubborn human is lost in Equestria and is trying his damnedest to find a way out, while surviving the surprisingly difficult rigours of life in a land filled with cute talking animals. Hilarity ensues.

  • ...
75
 6,079
 48,009

PreviousChapters Next
Uncanoned - April Fool's Day: Souls of Darkness

Author's Note:

This is the 2014, April Fool's day chapter. As such, you are required, nay, ordered to take this as seriously as an adult takes a pinky promise from his lying, thieving, scumbag, kid neighbour, who kicked your puppy and stole your satelite dish. The kind of promise involving your little fingers, not the kind where Pinkie Pie will cut a bitch for breaking it. Or it could be that, whatever floats your boat man, I don't really care, I'm just saying this is canonically flexible and ignorable and the first half of this chapter is demonstrable bullshit, just enjoy Lyra being Lyra, k? K.

And before anyone asks, the sword was based on this. Although the singing part was pretty much artistic license. May or may not delete this later, just felt the story could use a bit of silliness for once.

“Muhahahahahahahaha” The evil human laughed evilly, sat upon his throne of bones and ichor, a white carpet stained crimson with the blood of countless slain led down the steps cast from the melted down crowns of fallen kingdoms to the prisoners below. “I have fooled you all!”

The captive princesses were powerless, trapped in arcane cages and enchanted circles. Guarded by undead griffons and animated suits of pony armour. The throne room of the castle of the two sisters, the human’s fortress of darkness, differed greatly from what it once was.

Once it was the crumbling, remains of a bygone age lost to the darkness of the everfree, now it is transformed in the towering, crumbling remains of the present age of darkness of the human. Ushered in by the darkness inside the human’s dark heart of darkest darkness. He cackled darkly, lightning striking, illuminating the window behind his throne, creating a stark dark shadow which briefly cast his prisoners in darkness.

“You’ll never get away with this!” Celestia shouts. Her coat dirty and her mane torn.

“The elements of harmony will stop you!” Her sister, Luna shouts in her turn. The biped descended down the steps, dark smoke emerging from his grim, black iron plate armour, the slits of his helmets burned with orange fire. Resting his great maul across his shoulder, he gestured to the western wall with his free hand, black lightning arcing across his sharp, pointed ‘fingers’. The daggered digits of his ‘hands’, his secret weapons!

“Oh?” His dark, rumbling voice, echoed around the room. “You mean these elements?” A diamond dog pulled a gilded rope and the deep purple curtain was withdrawn, to reveal Princess Twilight Sparkle and the five other elements bound in chains and magical circles.

“I’m so sorry, princess!” Twilight said dejectedly, her friends groaning in exhaustion and pain.

“No!” Celestia cried. Luna gasped

“Muhahahahaha, I have thought of everything!” The human crooned. “There is no escape, make your time! Soon I shall have what I want: the princess souls! I will slay you and consume your essence, increasing my own power.”

“Monster!”

“Fiend!”

“You may call me whatever you wish, for you cannot harm me!” He growled, pointing a bladed finger at Celestia and Luna. He let his maul rest against the steps as he lifted a glass of blood. “You have no hope. My reach, is global, my tower, secure, my cause, is noble, my power, is pure, there is nothing to stop me, Equestria is mine!”

“Alas! He is right!”

“Who will save us now!?” Luna sighed into her hooves.

“I will!”

There were gasps all around the room as everypony turned to the towering, double doors as the opened. “Who dares!?” Handy the Dark shouted incredulously. A pony emerged through the fog wall of the archway, she was decked out in the sweetest gear. Golden chainmail armour given to her by the oracles of the sunken swamps which protected her from the magical statues which attacked her at every step of her journey. Her hood of vision claimed from the treasure vaults of this very castle, which guided her through the illusions and traps. Her hooves were covered in blue flames, the shoes of Cloudicus Maximus, the legendary smith of cloudsdale gave her the power of windwalking and saw her escape from the demon pits of the lower castle.

She raised her head, a confident smirk graced her features, two determined, glowing, golden eyes shone from under the hood. “Its her!” Twilight gasped.

“We didst not dare hope!” Luna said in disbelief.

“There may be a chance afterall…” Celestia whispered.

“What is this nonsense!? Who is this pony!?” The human demanded, gesturing at the newcomer with his glass.

“It is I! LyrLyrica the Bard!” Lyrica boasted, raising a hoof in the air. “I have come to put a stop to your heinous villainy!”

“Such, foolishness…” The human muttered in disbelief.

“Surrender monster! You don’t belong in this world!”

“It is not by my hand that I am brought here in the flesh. I was called here by ponies, who wish to pay me tribute…” The human said, swirling his glass, taking a sip, the blood pouring into his helm as he turned. His red cloak blowing in the breeze let in by the broken down walls.

“Tribute!?” Lyrica scoffed, taking a few hoof steps forward. The undead guards readied their halberds, their skeletal wings spreading in preparation for a fight. “You steal ponies’ souls and make them your slaves!”

“Perhaps the same could be said of all religions…” Handy replied softly.

“Your words are as empty as your soul!” Lyrica accused, her horn lit up and she drew a claymore she carried across her back, sweat crossed her brow at the effort. It had been a long journey and she had already came close to death many times, brought back each time to the sacred fires she had lit on her way so that she could always press on. “Ponykind ill needs such a saviour as you!”

“And what is a pony!?” The human whirled around. “A miserable little pile of friendship! But enough talk!” He threw his glass into the air, blood spilling out as it shattered at Lyrica’s hooves. The slivers of glass bouncing softly off of the ward shield cast by her protective amulet. “Have at you!” The human cried out, grabbing his maul. The suits of armour and the undead griffons lunged at her.

She dove straight into the fight, her claymore swinging, a lilting song emanated as the blade glowed with brilliance upon each parry and successful strike. The song increasing in beauty and volume as she fought, filling the hearts of the captive ponies with hope. The human snarled, standing at the base of the steps to his throne, watching as one by one, his soldiers of evil were felled beneath the unicorn’s shining blade.

“Enough of this!” He shouted as Lyrica’s blade decapitated a skeletal griffon, causing its body, already mid-flight, to crash and shatter into a pile of rent armour. “YOU!” The human’s free hand shot up into the air, the electrical storm in the sky above increased in its intensity and she could feel the pressure upon her skin as dark magic concentrated in the room. The tower was struck multiple times with arcs of lightning, the building shook and masonry crumbled around them.

Lyrica grimaced and galloped across the throne room. ”SHALL NOT!” He raised his great maul in the air, clasping it in both hands. Bolts of lightning shot down and collided at the apex of the weapon. Dust and debris swirled about the human as he charged up his most deadly attack. Lyrica bounded, her breath ragged, she leaped, soaring over the heads of the captive princesses, her singing sword swinging around in a wide arc.

“PAAASSSSS!” The human’s weapon shone with brilliance, bathed in elemental fury and all the dark powers of the Everfree. He swung it down to meet Lyrica’s blade.

And then there was nothing but white light. For a brief moment, it’s as if everypony had ceased to exist before slowly, like waking up beside the ocean, a mountain roar of noise could be heard as magic energy exploded forth from where the two weapons met. The throne and the walls where ripped away in the fury of the magical tempest, the remains of the human’s unholy soldiers were blown away like leaves in the wind as that entire floor of the tower was blown apart. Leaving only the tiled floor upon which they stood, the captive ponies in their magical circles and chains, and the two combatants, locked in place, unable to move as the magic of the legendary sword Gladius Sol battled with the foul human sorceries of Handy’s great maul; Dark Hammer.

There was another flash of light and Lyrica hit the ground, the cages around the princesses withered away to ash as the light emanating from the magical circles faded. “Huzzah!” The princess of the night exclaimed as Lyrica got back to her hooves.

“You did it!” Celestia said. Walking over to Lyrica. “We and all of Equestria owe you a great debt, Lyrica the Bard.” Lyrica bowed her head humbly at the princess’ words.

“It was merely the right thing to do,” she said, before turning as they heard laboured breathing. The battered form of the human crawled away from the ponies, towards what remained of the steps leading to his throne. “However, we are not done yet.” She said, lifting her sword as the elements of Harmony, now released from their bonds joined the group.

Handy the Dark, butcher of Stalliongrad, despoiler of Griffonia, usurper of the Golden Throne lay broken and defeated. The magical explosion had ruined his protective armour, dispelling the unholy magicks that held it together. It rotted and fell apart as he moved. He heard hoof steps advance on him and turned, groaning in pain as he turned to lay on his back, proped up on the broken steps, facing his better.

“If you strike me down now!” He warned, his breath coming in gasps as he pointed a gauntleted hand at the Bard and her singing sword. “I shall become more powerful then you can ever imagine!”

“I know.” Lyrica said, her eyes studied the human’s face, what little of it she could see past the crumbling armour. She sighed, closing her eyes, her horn stopped glowing and the sword fell to the ground. The human looked confused, his mouth opening and closing, trying to form words. “But I know your true weakness, the true antithesis of all you represent. The one reason you declared your war of conquest, seeking to eliminate the one thing that could threaten you, which nopony would willingly offer you.”

“Silence, pony!” The human spat. “There is nothing but blackness within my heart. There is no room for weakness! No room for mercy or forgiveness! Save your words!” He threatened, his good hand gripped into a fist.

“Exactly. You have caused so much pain and suffering.” Lyrica said softly, opening her eyes to look at the human. “Violence is all you have ever given us.”

“Yes! It is what you deserve!”

“And yet… I can only feel pity for you…”

“You dare to pity me!? Foal of a pony!” He shouted, resting on his elbows, the ponies behind her scowled down at the human as he traded words with the Bard. She took in a breath and dispelled the fire from her hoof and extended it to the human, confusing him.

“Yet, after all that. I am willing to forgive you, for I know this is not your true self. You spoke with the oracles yourself, search your feelings you know it to be true.” She said, the ponies gasped collectively.

“Surely you jest!” Luna said.

“No…” The human retorted, the ponies behind Lyrica gave her confused glances, the excited pink one merely hopped in place, seemingly oblivious to the proceedings. “No… That’s not true…. That’s impossible!”

“Handy the human.” Lyrica said, smiling. “Will you accept my friendship?” There was a stillness in the air before the human let out a shriek of horror.

“CUUUUURRRRRRRRSSSSSEEEEE YYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU LLLLYYYYYRRRRRRIIIIICAAAAAAAAA!” The human wailed as he began glowing white and his entire form shrank and coalesced into a small, round ball of metal. The ball fell to the ground, metallic tinks resounding in the silence as the black and silver ball rolled to Lyrica’s hooves.

She lifted it up with her magic, smiling as she placed it in her saddlebags. The elements started cheering her.

“Way to go, Lyrica! That was awesome!” Rainbow Dash said jubilantly as she took to the air. “I mean, I could’ve gotten out of that bind and taken care of him myself, heh, but, you know, you did alright and all…”

“Well ah’ll be, what did you do to him?” The farmpony asked, brushing the dust off her tattered Stetson.

“Yes,” Celestia asked, “What has happened? What did you do to him?”

“I have made a sacred pact” Lyrica turned to the princess, sheathing her sword. “It will take some time for him to become the true being of good he truly is. So I have taken him in my charge, he’ll stay in that ball healing his soul until I call him out.”

“Is that wise?” Twilight asked. “He was such an awful villain.”

“Yeah! He was a meany head!” Pinkie Pie, popped up from a pile of rubble amidst all of them, a decidedly serious looking pout on her face as she looked up at Lyrica.

“We say we should take the ball and cast it into the depths. Where it will never be opened again.” Luna offered, gesturing at Lyrica’s saddlepack.

“And leave another soul to its own curse? Princess, you above all other ponies should know how awful that truly is.” Luna cast her head down.

“Yes, we see. If you believe you can contain this human, we shall entrust you to ward this human.”

“Yes” Celestia agreed. “He is too dangerous to be left unattended. Are you sure you are up to this task?” Lyrica bowed her head.

“I am your highness.” Lyrica responded. The princess smiled, and lowered her head, tapping both Lyrica’s shoulders with her alicorn.

“Then may the light never leave you.” She said.

“And may the night ever guard you.” Her sister intoned.

“Lets party!” The pink pony popped up from the pile of rubble in a cloud of streamers and confetti, startling everypony. “I can’t wait to throw a You-Saved-Equestria-From-the-Mean-Human party! I’m so excited! Are you excited!? Oh! I should get Mr and Mrs Cake to prepare a large order, oh and the invitations! We’re going to need to invite EVERYPONY! And-”

The pink pony’s rambling was interrupted by a surreptitiously placed rock. The marble white hoof of Rarity held it up as Pinkie walked straight into it, looking down confused, wondering where in the hay the stone had come from. “Darling, you must stop by, you can’t be seen in those rags” Lyrica smiled at them all, as the yellow Pegasus alighted beside Pinkie Pie as the earth pony waved its hooves in compelx motions trying to communicate, the rock still in her mouth. Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion.

“I’m sorry I can’t, there is still so much for me to do.” Lyrica said, and with that, she departed. And so ends the tale of Lyrica the Bard and the Milesian Menace, she would continue onwards on her adventurers, making many friends and facing mighty foes. The human ever at her side, fighting for her and learning the value of friendship and harmony under her tutelage. Ever onwards to the horizon they march for each new dawn brought a new chapter to their story.

--=--

“What the… I don’t… What?” Bon Bon stared at the pieces of parchment before her. Her housemate, being the slob she was, relegated all the cleaning to her. So, like she does every other week, she enters Lyra’s room and starts fixing the place up. Today however, she discovered something she had not expected.

She had opened one of Lyra’s drawers to brush some of her things into it, to at least make the room a tad more presentable when she found the pages. Thinking they were musical notes she leafed through them curiously, only instead of finding musical notes she found an epic tale of adventure, quilled by Lyra’s own hoof. “What the bucking hay did I just read?”

Morbid curiosity spurred her own to read through it and as she went she… Honestly, she didn’t know what to think about it. Lyra had included a lot of townsponies from Ponyville as characters of the story, herself included, all helping prolong the protagonist who was such a thinly veiled stand in for Lyra it was a struggle not to roll her eyes at some points.

Ever since the first rumours of the human started spreading, Lyra had taken an interest. Now however it seemed to have grown into more than a mere hobby or casual interest. She snorted, reading over the story again, it was actually kind of funny in a way, cute even. “Oh Lyra…” She said. “What am I gonna do with you?”

“Hey Bon Bon, have you seen my…”

The blue and pink maned pony turned to see Lyra in the doorway. Welp, she was caught red hoofed. Lyra just stared at her housemate before her eyes slowly turned to look at the pages in her friend’s hooves. “What… Are you doing?”

“I was just cleaning and…Pfft!” She couldn’t help it, Lyra blushed, her horn lit up as she snatched the pages from her friends hooves.

“It was a first draft! I wasn’t finished with it!” Lyra huffed as she stormed off

“Wait come back!” Bon Bon said, smiling, following her friend into the central room of the house. “It was pretty good! Really!”

“You were laughing!”

“Was not!”

“You were about to!” Lyra turned, eyes narrowed at the earth pony. She looked away, hoof covering her mouth. Bon Bon swallowed, coughed to clear her throat, trying to dispel her mirth.

“Look, it wasn’t bad for a first draft, it was pretty good actually.” Bon Bon tried to reassure her friend. She knew she wasn’t angry that she was in the unicorn’s room, she cleaned it often enough to get away with it. Lyra looked at her friend suspiciously.

“You think so?” She asked sceptically. Bon Bon nodded. But scrunched her muzzle up for a moment.

“Well, I think you got the human wrong though…” She said, rubbing the base of her muzzle. It was Lyra’s turn to scrunch her muzzle.

“I think I got him alright! I do spend a lot more time then you do researching him.” She said defensively. Bon Bon rolled her eyes before responding, completely deadpan.

“Lyra, you spend more time then anypony researching the human.”

“Exactly!” Lyra exclaimed. “Sides, what could I have gotten wrong about him?” She said, turning away in a huff, defensive of her own little piece of ‘art’.

“For one thing, he doesn't have magic.” Bon Bon said. Lyra turned.

“What?”

“Yeah, said so himself.” Bon Bon replied.

“How do you know?” Lyra said almost accusingly.

“I was talking to Twilight yesterday and the subject came up. She told me so.” Lyra huffed at that.

“Oh sure, just because Twilight says so, it must be true. It’s not as if she met the guy.”

“Actually she did…” Bon Bon said as she started off to the kitchen. She stopped, eyes widened. She slowly turned to look at the shocked looking Lyra. ’Ohhh I probably shouldn’t have said that.’ She thought as she saw a beaming smile slowly grow to encompass most of her friend’s face. “Uhhh…”

It was too late, her doom was upon her, Lyra practically tackled her friend, firing questions at a million miles a minute. “She met him? What was he like? Does he have burning eyes? Are his hands as big as they say they are? What did Twilight ask him? Where’s he from really? Are there more of him?”

“Lyra, Lyra!” Bon Bon shouted, pushing her friend away and shaking her head, trying to dispel the dizziness from the unicorn shaking her. “Ugh… Look I don’t know, she didn’t tell me everything. Just that she had met the human in Canterlot and had an interview with him.”

“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” Lyra squeed. “I can find out so much! I wonder if there’s enough for me to make a homebrew!” She gasped. “Oh I’m definitely playing one at my next game!”

“A what?” Bon Bon asked, blinking in confusion.

“No time!” Lyra said, bounded to the door. Bon Bon’s eyes widened. What hath she unleashed upon the poor pony princess?

“Lyra Wait!” She said futilely, hoof outstretched as the unicorn hastily opened the door and galloped into the street, startling passing ponies. Bon Bon wilted. “Oh horseapples…” She swore. She sighed and continued her cleaning of the house, after closing the door of course.

Myabe she’d stop by Sugarcube corner later and buy a cake for Twilight by way of apology. She stopped, screwing her face up in thought. ’Make that two cakes.’ Bon Bon thought to herself. ’Lyra will likely not be willing to leave the library until Twilight has given her everything, she’s going to be hungry.'

PreviousChapters Next