Chapter 11 - Taking Stock
Handy awoke in a cold sweat. He tossed and jumped off the bed, grabbing a small statuette of a tower off of a bedside drawer as he got to his feet. He looked all about him, eyes wide and darting. But there was no one there. He lit a candle and lifted it in its holder as he explored the room he was in. It was a typical guest room, decent furnishing and appointments, soft bed, but not too grandiose and a small en suite with flowing water, bath but no shower.
He stalked about his room, aching something terrible, hissing with the pain but he pushed through it. Nothing was out of the ordinary, there were a few pieces of his armour laying about the floor, he remembered dropping it off vaguely before collapsing on the bed, not all of it was there though, considering his mail, cuirass, upper arm piece, helmet and pauldron had been taken to the armoury. He looked outside through the fixed pane window, the rain seemed to have increased in intensity and the sky was mostly cloudy, the moon shining through here or there bathing the land in near total darkness. He couldn’t see the city from the tower he was in, but the few, distant towns he saw were little glorious pinpricks of light in the all-consuming shadow of night.
He did another tour of his room and tried the handle of the door, it was unlocked but the handle turned noisily, he would’ve known if it had been an intruder waking him up coming through this way. He did himself the courtesy of looking out in the hallway. There was not a soul to be seen, neither hide nor feather, the lights were out however. He was uneasy. He walked outside, closing the door behind him as he lit the torch on the sconce across from his room. He did one more check of the corridor before returning to the room.
Perhaps he was just jumpy. He had been up two days simultaneously and had gone from one exhausting battle, mentally and physically, to another. He shook his head, he put the candle down after lighting a few more. It was then that he realised his two packs had been delivered to the room, some servant had probably taken them up, meaning that someone had to have entered his room at some point. He chuckled and just shook his head, his paranoia was just a delayed reaction to something he had heard hours ago in his sleep!
Handy tsked, it was late, the moon was far into its journey across the sky, he had been asleep for the entire day, and considering the duel happened around, what, half nine? Nine forty five? That was quite a spell. Handy looked over himself. Hilariously, he was still wearing his greaves and lower chain, his stomach was bandaged quite thoroughly as well as his left shoulder and upper left arm. He tested his left arm and winced in pain. Yeah he wasn’t moving that for a while yet without some salve. He checked his bags.
Yep, some bottles he had ‘borrowed’ from Joachim’s personal stash from the train were present and accounted for. One of his packs was noticeably more empty then the other, he figured that was the one Ivorybeak ransacked in order to buy Handy some useless property. He rubbed his head, he was going to need to investigate that himself wasn’t he? It was his now afterall, might as well see what white elephant had been gifted him. Interestingly, he still had the clothes he had tailored for him. He took them out and looked them over. Indeed, the Pawstown sisters restrained themselves and made him several pairs of simple trousers and shirts. One pair of trousers was even made of denim!
Handy blinked… So THAT’s where his ripped jeans had went back then… He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He pushed the thought aside. They weren’t all plain, some of them had obvious flourishes, some of which he didn’t mind, others, such as a particularly girly looking shirt, he simply did not care for, he’d burn that or something when he had the time. Socks, socks, pants, socks, socks, a scarf, socks, pants, more pants, a pair of boxers, socks, socks, a whole shitload of socks, what the fuck was it with ponies and socks? Socks, pants, more pants and…
Well hot damn. He pulled out a wrapped package hidden in the folds of clothes, opening it he had the piece de la resistance. It was a double buttoned black, long sleeve, tail coat with silver epaulettes and designs on the cuffs and lapels clearly inspired by the knotted designs on his hammer. Looks like Heat Source wasn’t the only one who took on an inspirational flourish, either that or they traded notes over coffee. He approved, it came with a white formal shirt with a red cravat, supposedly worn underneath the coat for when it wasn’t buttoned up fully, the matching pair of trousers had red and silver lengths down the sides of each leg and came with a complimentary pair of shoes.
Suddenly he felt bad about how he treated the two mares, there was clearly a lot of thought put into this. Ah well, it was in the past now, in the present? Handy realised he stank. He filled the bath as he checked himself in the mirror. Yep, a shave was needed, hair wasn’t too bad, but he might as well take care of it again. He found his knives and rummaged below the sink for anything remotely resembling foam as he got to work. He made quick work of it and realised he had yet to brush his teeth in some time. That won’t do. He found, bizarrely enough, a basic, primitive toothbrush. He wanted to question its existence, he really did, but figured his sanity would be better off if he didn’t. He got to work…
Well he did before he cut his thumb. “Ah shit! What the hell?” He dropped the brush in the sink basin with a start and observed the nick on his thumb and the precious red essence pouring from it. He did not feel the odd pang or the reaction he did when he noticed Hirsild’s cut, or the long mourned for uneaten raw steak, or the smell coming from Geoffrey’s room. Come to think of it, he didn’t get it in the duel either when it was his blood on the floor. But this was beside the point, which was worrying, granted, but not as worrying as what he saw next. He wiped the condensation from the mirror and lifted his upper lip up.
Handy decided he’d leave his teeth alone after that. For at least… A little while. No more smiling again. For anyone. Ever.
He turned and prepared for the bath, trying to put the discovery out of his head, tearing the pendant from his neck and flinging it out of the en suite and onto the bed, no free show for you, fae queen. Focusing his mind instead on how he did not consider who had used that toothbrush before him and ugh, wasn’t that just disgusting? Yes he should totally fixate on that and nothing else. The bath was awkward, the tub was just big enough for him, but it served its purpose. Better yet it eased his aches and pains, which was badly needed around his midsection. It was lying there, trying to think of anything else other than his little ‘problem’ that his thoughts went back to the duel. Particularly Shortbeak ‘thanking’ him. What was that about?
He considered the possibility that she threw the fight, she was gracious enough, afterall, to let him catch his breath after having utterly destroyed him with that divebomb. But why? Chivalry? Grandstanding, hoping to make the fight more interesting? Or did she hope to give him a chance so she could throw the fight while keeping her pride in tact? Now that he thought about it, there were plenty of times she could have ended him, lethally and non-lethally in that fight, but she didn’t. Then his thoughts went back to their confrontation in the kitchens.
Perhaps… Perhaps his little jibe about her being under Geoffrey’s pseudo-thumb had hit too close to home. Perhaps she wanted to lose so that she could be out from under his influence. But that had its own problems, if that was the case why didn’t she just throw in the towel in the duel with Johan before he even left the kingdom? He considered that, then considered what he heard about Geoffrey before he assumed the regency, he did turn the entire court against Johan, perhaps she had fought for Geoffrey before thinking he was the more worthy prince?
Handy did not like those thoughts. He felt… cheated. Like he was pitied, she let him win. It wasn’t his strength of arms but her restraint that told the battle. That hurt his pride, he had already been beating himself up over his ‘flukes’ in earlier battles, but this was just insulting. He sat there, fuming for some time, he was hungry, but he didn’t care, too busy being angry to eat, if it wasn’t for that bastard Geoffrey…
…
Wait…
…
“OH SHIT JOACHIM!” Handy blurted as he tumbled out of the bath, faceplanting, grunting in pain as he hurriedly dried himself and throwing on some simple clothes before grabbing his hammer. He had hurried out of his room and down the halls, several guards started at the sound of his wet feet slapping the cold stone floor, they relaxed after recognising the hurrying human. He made it to the hallway where Joachim’s room was located. He had four guards outside. Well good to see the bird’s paranoia was still active, it had better be seeing as it was contagious enough for Handy to catch it.
Handy was allowed passage by the guards as he barged into the prince’s room. Only to find it was blaringly bright, fucking hell how many candles does one griffon need? “Joac-er, I mean, my lord!” Handy corrected as he skid to a halt, glancing back at the guards by the door. Joachim was wide awake with rings beneath his eyes, which is something to see on a bird, he was wearing a pair of half rimmed, horned spectacles as he sat at a desk covered in piles of scrolls and stained in ink. He blinked at Handy in surprise a few times before dismissing the guards.
“I see you’re awake…” He said chuckling. “Have a good rest?” He asked, putting down his quill. Handy relaxed as he looked around, nope Joachim sure wasn’t dead. He walked over and checked his bathroom, then under his bed, his closet and checked the window panes to make sure they weren’t moveable. Joachim raised an eyebrow quizzically at him. “Something… wrong?”
“How long have I been asleep?”
“A day.”
“A day!?”
“Oh yeah, the knights had a good laugh out of that.” Joachim said off handedly taking a drink from a cup. Handy frowned. “You may have beat Shortbeak, but she took so much out of you, you had to take the entire day off to recover from the thrashing.”
“You and I both know my exhaustion was from more than just the fight.”
“Like that excuse is going to fly, anyway, what’s wrong? You barged into my room and now you are tearing the place apart.”
“Oh sorry, just doing, you know, MY JOB!” Handy said. “Or did you forget you just kicked your brother’s egomaniacal arse off the throne? With my blood, sweat and tears I might add.”
“You were crying?”
“No! It’s just an expression, you know what I mean smartarse.” Handy chided, Joachim smiled. “Fuck you, anyway, sorry, Geoffrey, that guy, think you might have met him, bit of a temper and a cruel streak.”
“I am vaguely aware.” Joachim said, completely deadpan, before letting out a yawn.
“And you’re not worried about him trying to get back at you.”
“Handy… Why do you think I have so many candles lit?” The bird asked, the human looked around.
“I was wondering that myself," Handy admitted.
"Same reason I have been looking over my shoulder recently and jumping at the shadows. I think… I think Geoffrey has some kind of sorcery on his side.” Joachim said. Handy gave a slight nod. Trying not to think about what he saw the night before the duel, he’d rather not have more trouble getting back to sleep.
“Like when he had you pinned against a wall? I saw his hand seemed to shimmer and glow.” Handy said, Joachim nodded this time.
“Mmm, I wouldn’t put it past him to have some shadow come alive and take revenge on me in my sleep, defaulting the claim back to him once more.”
“And the guards?”
“Well you were unavailable.”
“Why four?”
“I figured that was worth one Handy.” Joachim said, Handy just looked at him incredulously. “Something wrong?”
“I think you’re overestimating my abilities. Just a tad.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, how many guards were you taking on two nights ago?” Handy shuffled. “Also the train?”
“I uh… Was not my-“
“Get over yourself Handy, you defeated a royal knight in personal combat.” Joachim said as he fumbled for something in his desk. Handy thought about sharing his suspicions that the fight was not entirely a fair one. “Sides, such modesty is unbefitting of a knight.” He tossed a scroll at Handy, who caught it in his good hand.
“Whats this?”
“Proof of notice, you are now Sir Handy of Skymount, Baron Haywatch.” Joachim explained. Handy’s mouth gaped.
“Whut.” He said flatly.
“Eh, can’t have a member of the royal household own parts of the capital without a title.”
“So I have an honorary title now?”
“Yes… and no, it’s technically a real one since it comes with an actual demesne.”
“One that’s here, there and everywhere?”
“You get used to it.” Joachim shrugged. Handy nodded, another thing he needs to consider, well, honestly, he was already considering what he was going to do with his new properties, if he gets a fancy title to go with it, he’s hardly going to go against it. Then he picked up on something Joachim said.
“Wait, what did you say before, about befitting a knight?” Handy asked, Joachim blinked in surprise.
“Did you not hear Dad?” He said. Handy shook his head. “He basically knighted you on the spot, you were kneeling and everything.”
“…Sure I was.” Handy said, trying to process all of this. “So uh-”
“No, you still aren’t getting paid until the end of the month.”
“Tightarse.” Handy scowled. Joachim laughed mirthfully before taking off his spectacles, his face downcast.
“In all seriousness Handy… Thanks.” He said, Handy waved a hand dismissively.
“Its not like you wouldn’t have found another way.” He said.
“No, I mean it. Think about it Handy.” Joachim insisted. “What would happen if I hadn’t found you out there, that night outside the Everfree?”
“I’d probably be having another bad morning that day.” ’Or dead.’ He admitted internally.
“No. What would have happened is I would have ended up in that mine, enslaved, I’d probably find my way out eventually, sure, but how long would that take if I didn’t have you there to help me? How long would it have taken Ivorybeak to find me to bring me back home if you weren’t in the badlands?”
“Coincidence.”
“Maybe. But even so if you hadn’t been there, pointing Ivorybeak in the right way as soon as you did, I’d still be there, in Equestria, as a vagabond adventurer, hell, I’d probably be in jail because of those salesponies.” Joachim swallowed. “Dad’d die, and Geoffrey would be king… And All-Maker knows what he’d do then…” The two were silent for a while, before Handy broke the silence with a cough.
“Well… Yeah… I guess… Happy to help? I am not entirely sure how to respond if I am totally honest with you Joach.” Handy admitted. Joachim just smiled.
“Well, in any case, I have work to do.” The bird indicated his stupendous workload, Handy glanced around at the multitude of candles.
“I’ve been meaning to ask, you do realise-”
“Fire hazard, yes, I know, I swear you’re worse than Hirsild.” Joachim said, before catching himself and another uncomfortable moment of silence fell upon them, as Handy sat down on a short clothes chest at the foot of the bed.
“How is she doing anyway?”
“Badly, but she’s coping. Shortbeak is checking on her. Still won’t speak about what Geoffrey was actually doing to her.”
“Did h-”
“I don’t think so… I hope not, but her wing is in a bad way.” Joachim said, looking as if he was chewing on something sour. “They’re not sure if she’ll be able to fly again because of him.”
“Speaking of the bastard, where is he?”
“In his room, under house arrest.”
“House arrest?” Handy asked, almost growling, Joachim sighed.
“Dad would rather not see any more of his family die before he passes… Don’t think for a second I will hesitate once he does though.” Joachim said, his face like stone. Handy nodded in approval.
“I suppose my concern was for nothing then.” Handy said. “What are you working on?”
“Un-bucking the kingdom.” Joachim replied. “I am not sure how one griffon can do this much damage in just a few months, if I sound impressed, it’s because I am. Wow.” Joachim looked at the comically stacked piles of scrolls on his desk. “And I don’t like our debt levels…”
“Well that sounds alarmingly familiar.”
“Hmm?”
“Nothing, just thinking about home is all. Anyway, I won’t take up any more of your time then, I guess I’ll just go back to my room. You get some sleep.”
“But I have so much left to do…”
“You’ve got the rest of your life to play statesman, literally, the country will still be no less fucked if its regent is on the verge of collapsing in the middle of court.” Handy chided. Then his stomach growled at an alarming volume. Joachim laughed.
“Take it you’re hungry?”
“Famished, is there anything in the kitchens yet?”
“Unless you feel like vegetable broth, no. The kitchen’s stockpiles are gone, from what I gathered Geoffrey ordered them dumped secretly.”
“Why?”
“My guess? He wanted to weaken whoever it was that was going to fight for me by underfeeding them.”
“That’s… both drastic and pointless.”
“Yeah, well, he’s hardly been thinking clearly since he was told the duel would go forward. Or maybe he just felt petty, I don’t know. We’re getting it restocked tomorrow.”
“Good, I could eat a horse…” Handy said. He caught himself and looked at the horrified look on Joachim’s face. “I uh, I mean, its just an expression where I come from!” Joachim’s look hardened. “I’d never actually- I mean I could never- I wouldn’t worry-“ ’Keep digging Handy, I can see China from here.’ “Forget I said anything, it was just that… One time.” Joachim’s eyebrow rose.
“Oh? Are you sure about that?” He said. Handy tapped his foot.
“Remember that conversation we had, when the train stopped? About… About some concerns I had?”
“Yes?” Joachim said. Handy smiled ruefully, exposing his teeth. “I don’t see… Oh.” Joachim said “Were they… Were they always that-”
“No… Now you see my concern.”
“But that shouldn’t be possible.”
“Neither is suddenly salivating at smelling spilt blood at twenty paces.” He responded despondedly. “I’m… Concerned, Joachim.” He confessed. Joachim didn’t respond immediately.
“So…” He began at length, “Is this going to be a problem?”
“No. I don’t think so. I’m going to try to withhold it, test it, its why I was looking specifically for meat when I asked about the kitchens. See if just eating my meat bloody and raw can… Can stop it before it becomes a problem.” Handy said clenching and unclenching his fist. “Sides I have the coin, mayhap I should see if I can import some of those potions Equestria gives to its night ponies if I am desperate.” Handy said hopefully, studying the floor. Joachim looked at him for a moment before coming to a decision.
“I owe you, and I trust you… I’ll leave you to deal with it.” He said, Handy looked up.
“What?”
“Think about it, you have just admitted to me you are a blood thirsty creature who can literally smell other Griffons’ blood. If you weren’t my friend I’d call for the guards right this instant.” Joachim admitted. Handy was stunned at his friend’s change of attitude, the hard look he gave him was not the one of the friendly griffon he had met in that field on a Monday night. “As it stands, Griffons only THINK you might be some dread spectre, how do you think they’ll react if it appears you actually are one? What do you think my duty would be as Crown Prince and Regent?” He shot. Handy considered the immensity of what Joachim was saying and reeled.
“I… I uh…” He tried to say something, Joachim’s gaze was unflinching. Handy sighed in defeat. “I see your point…” He admitted. Joachim’s eyes narrowed.
“I’ll ask it again then, now that you appreciate the severity of the issue. Is this going to be a problem?” He asked. Handy shook his head.
“No. I’ll deal with it. Trust me.” Handy said resolutely, standing up. Joachim’s expression softened and he smiled once more.
“That’s good, now, Handy, I’m sorry but… I kind of have responsibilities now.” Joachim said, Handy just shook his head.
“Its alright, really, I get it.” He said sadly. “Honestly… I’d probably do the same.”
“You’d have your friend killed if he turned into a blood sucker?”
“No.” ‘Yes.’ Handy’s thoughts stormed, Joachim picked up on the human’s foul mood.
“You sure you’re ok?”
“Yes.” ’No.’ “I can’t say I am happy with my circumstances, but there’s little I can do about it right now. I’ll just go sulk until I man up and get over it.” He said. Joachim nodded approvingly.
“Mmm, well, at least now we can definitely say you have some bite to back up the bark of your reputation.” He jibed, Handy shot him a mean look. “Kidding. Good night Handy.”
Handy harrumphed as he exited the room, ignoring the guards as he passed. He got rid of one concern, Joachim’s safety, only to replace it with another. His thoughts were troubled as he made it back to his room. He’d need to go to sleep to clear his head, he’ll deal with it all in the morning. He had been so lost in thought, he didn’t notice the torch set on the wall across from his room had been put out. He put his hand on the door handle and turned.
An explosion of sensation erupted in his midsection, his body stock still in shock as his hand slowly rose to grasp at the protruding blade from his stomach. His eyes came back into focus, a pair of large, brown eyes glaring back at him from the darkness of his room, full of hatred. He suddenly felt very weak as the dull roar of sensation refined itself into stabbing pain. His eyes adjusted and he made out the cruel features of the scrawny griffon before him.
“Teach you for interfering you bloody ape.” Geoffrey’s voice said, it’s calm at odds with the rage on his face. Geoffrey stood there as the Human fell to one knee, trying to process what had just happened to him.
’He stabbed me.’ He thought, blinking rapidly. ’Geoffrey just stabbed me, he’s killed me.’ Geoffrey just smiled viciously as he saw the Human weakening, he let go of the knife after hearing several shouts of alarm, Handy heard bells being rung, the castle coming alive with noise. Geoffrey looked up and mouthed some curse. ’I’m going to die here.’ Handy realised, thinking of all the shit he had went through since he woke up that warm Monday morning when his life went tits up and bottomed out into madness. All his struggles, the pain, the terrors and suffering and anger and now the prospect of acquiring some curse from a talking horse.
And for what? To be stabbed while trying to get to his bed? Maybe it was the effect of the knife in his gut, maybe it was poisoned, maybe it was just happenstance. But whatever it was, Handy suddenly felt the rise of another sensation as all thoughts turned to anger and the red descended across his vision once more. ’No.’ He thought suddenly. ’I’m not going to die here.’
“I thought I’d have mor-AUGH!” Geoffrey screeched as the blade he had stuck in Handy’s gut suddenly came down on his shoulder, and twisted, blood spurted liberally before he reacted and swiped at the resurgent human with a claw, knocking him to the side. The griffon, in shock, pushed past the human into the hallway, clutching his bleeding shoulder. He turned to his right and left, hearing moving metal, the flutter of feathers and knew his doom was upon him, he had to leave now. He scowled back down at the groaning human, who was bowed over on both knees. Geoffrey sneered as he flew off down the long hallway.
Handy crawled, gripping his stomach, trying to stem the bleeding. His nostrils flared, his mind enraged but weakened. A scent reached him, a delicious one. The pain in his stomach intensified as it clenched with an instinctive pang and he suddenly remembered how hungry he was. His eyes locked on the dark splatters on the floor of his room and upon the doorframe and his mouth opened.
“Hurry!” He heard a voice as he ceased his drinking. “Send help, the assassin has assaulted the human!” He heard the clink of metal and the patter of paws and claws on stone. He shook his head, his body shaking as the effects of his actions rocked his form, he growled out a response as he noted two griffons stopping beside him.
“Go you fools! I’ll live!” He had shouted. Slowly getting back to his feet, the guards had rushed off. He already knew they were going in the wrong direction, without even opening his eyes. He could smell it, even this far away, he could pinpoint it now. He had heard a wail and shout of despair from somewhere down the echoing hallways, sounded like Joachim, he wasn’t anywhere near Geoffrey, which meant there was only one reason he should be screeching like that. Which could only mean one thing. He got to his feet and ran into the room to grab his cloak.
--=--
He had promised, he fulfilled his side of the bargain, sure it was a rushed end but it was the result that mattered right? He had been enjoying it towards the end, the old fool made a worthy sacrifice, anything for the end goal. Immortality… Endless years with which to spend! All of it ruined when his brother turned up with that ridiculous creature!
Ohhhhh no, he had worked too hard to get to where he was, he had sacrificed so much to get what he wanted. Sure what he sacrificed wasn’t necessarily his to give, but he took it anyway, it’s what the voices in the mirror required, what they wanted in return for their promises. He had seen their power, he had seen the help it gave him when dealing with upstarts and dissenters, he believed it capable of fulfilling its end of the deal. But Johan put all that in jeopardy, he nearly despaired after Shortbeak lost. Shortbeak, yes, her, the fool, the scum, he would pay special attention to her when he was immortal, nononono, he wouldn’t kill her, that wouldn’t be enough fun, how dare she fail!? He’d take her wings apart, feather by feather, then slowly skin them to the meat and cook it while she bled there upon the rack! Yes! And then…
And then he’d get creative…
He rushed out onto the battlements of the upper castle. He saw shadows against the skyline, the guard was already looking for him, expecting him to be flying away. No, he had considered this, there was a secret way down the mountain, he just needed to get to the secret stairway, accessible from the top of the castle. He had used it before for his… Less than reputable activities, it’ll be his salvation tonight. The rain occluding the guards’ vision. Fools had abandoned the roof to search from the sky on a night when that was all but futile! He was a bit concerned he’d leave a blood trail to follow, but he could worry about that later, right now, freedom beckoned.
The griffon had grinned manically to himself as he rushed across the battlements, careful to stick close to the wall. He smiled all the way into the human’s waiting fist. Geoffrey started from the blow as the looming form of the human emerged from behind a turn in the battlements, what was he doing on his feet!? Geoffrey scrambled but the human fell upon him, pushing his head against the cold stone, rain made the ground slick and he couldn't get a grip, Geoffrey muttered curses and his left claw began to glow.
Right before the Human’s iron boot crushed it. Geoffrey let out a yelp of pain as the boot crushed down on his claw, he felt it breaking and he shed a few tears from the pain of it all. The human laid into the griffon with its fist, one arm noticeably slacker then the other as it gripped the griffon. The griffon struggled and summoned his sorcery with a few quick words and pushed against the human, confident it would be enough to overpower the creature. He swung out with its wings, only to feel a stabbing sensation in retaliation, the human jammed one of its knives in the joint where the wing met the griffon’s torso and Geoffrey shrieked in shock, having never suffered such trauma before in his life.
Geoffrey murmured under his breath. The human hefted the griffon up and slammed him against the battlements and pushed with his hand under Geoffrey’s chin, forcing the griffon to lean back and look out over the long fall down the mountainside below. Geoffrey had never been so afraid in his life, one hand now useless flailed helplessly as his other tried tearing the human’s arms away, one wing useless, the other in such an awkward position while he was jammed in the turret of the wall, he kicked out weakly with his rear paws, doing nothing to the human.
“You’re dead, boy.” He heard the human say, in a conversational voice. He leaned to try to look at the human, he was nothing but a black shape against the dark, rainy sky. His cloak fluttering in the high winds. ”Why?” He asked. “You were a prince, you were never going to have a hard life, why did you do it? Why did you do all this? Was it worth it? Was it worth what’s happening to you now?”
“S-stop talking in the past sense! I am a royal prince of Gethrenia!”
“Aye, you were once, I don’t know what you are now, but scum between my hands.” The human responded. “Why?” He demanded.
“What would you know, scum!? How dare you judge me!?”
“Why?” The human pressed. His grip on the Griffon’s throat tightening.
“Ack-Alright, he…It… Promised me immortality if I… If I gave it sacrifices in exchange!”
“What did?” Thunder rumbled overhead, the storm looked like it was deciding to take a turn for the worse.
“The voices… In the mirror… The shadow… It promised me immortality if I gave it-ugh-the suffering of a king!” He said. The human’s grip tightened harder.
“What did you do?” The griffon struggled, its breath coming in haggard gasps.
“AAauuugh I was killing him!” He admitted at last. “I was the one who was making him sick, making him waste away! I had learned some magic, I already knew alchemy, I concocted some potions which I fed him over time through his food, and then in the medicine the physicians gave him!” The grip seemed to loosen and Geoffrey took in a few grateful breaths.
”You killed your own father?” The human asked, his tone seemed curious. Then, slowly, like a vice tightening, Geoffrey found himself unable to breath once more. ”The king is dead?” He asked in that same, calm, casual voice, Geoffrey could no longer breath and was struggling harder against the human. “The king is dead.” The human said at length, Geoffrey’s eyes rolled back in his head, unable to think clearly.
The human suddenly pulled the griffon into an embrace and Geoffrey convulsed as he felt a tearing pain in his neck, he tried to scream in horror and confusion as he felt his blood leave him in the quick gulps of the human who fed greedily, but found he could not, his mind now elsewhere as the teeth punctured the skin beneath his feathers. The human neither knew nor cared what the griffon was experiencing in his last moments, hoping only he was suffering in the end. The griffon’s struggles eventually lessened at long last and his limbs went limp. Handy let him fall, staring hatefully down at the dead bird. He had fed for quite a bit, at least on the stallion on the train he had shown restraint. Geoffrey received no such mercy.
He considered what he had done and wondered if he regretted it. He then felt a familiar pain in his midsection and decided he did not, still, it would not do to be sloppy. Geoffrey was dead the second the king died, Handy merely carried out the execution, but the method was… Inconvenient for him. Even if it did slake the thirst and ease the pain he had caused. Physically at least. He pulled the knife out of the Griffon’s shoulder and went to work. He cut a long, gaping wound in the griffon’s neck and let the knife stay on the bird as he hefted him over the battlements, to fall to the ground so far below.
“Long live the king.”
--=--
The funeral was a long, sombre affair. The venerable griffon he saw in the king’s chambers turned out to be High-Feather Geralt Stormglare, the lord spiritual of the king’s court. He oversaw the funeral procession and the final blessings of the dead king. It was a sight to see, the royal knights led King’s carriage to and from the ceremony, which was open air outside the great temple, banners fluttered from every available protrusion in the city, uniformly either black or the colours of the kingdom.
The people had turned out in droves from the nearby counties for the spectacle to pay their respects to the dead king. Officially, he had passed away in his sleep, an unfortunate but long expected outcome.
No one mentioned anything about the slit throat.
Handy did not partake in the procession, it was deemed inappropriate for a variety of reasons, not least of which because he stood out so much from the other knights. Handy actually agreed with the decision and instead decided to simply shadow Joachim around. The prince’s face was unreadable, he didn’t even shift under the purple and ermine cloak he wore, but Handy could guess what he was feeling as the king was eventually laid to rest in the royal tomb at the base of the northern mountain of the city. He had gone through this himself not so long ago afterall.
It took some time to convince the prince to leave the tomb after the king was laid to rest. Eventually, Joachim relented and left the tomb after several of the knights began encouraging him to return to the castle, there was a lot to do to prepare for the transfer of power. The next two weeks were a blur if Handy was honest. He had never breathed a word about what happened that night above the castle, nor would he. Geoffrey’s body was recovered of course, Handy had a decent cover, having been seen to have been stabbed, Handy had explained to Joachim he had partaken in the search after he had used some salve to help heal himself. He didn’t mention the little bit about Geoffrey’s blood aiding in that affair, that was something he was surprised to discover and didn’t plan on sharing.
They never did find who had killed Geoffrey, officially he had committed suicide, unofficially everyone from the scullery maid to Joachim himself were potential suspects, Geoffrey had no shortage of griffons with grudges against him. For such an aggressive species, the series of deaths that night rocked the capital, including that of two noble guardsmen who had been guarding the prince’s room, Handy was surprised the deaths had shaken them all so much, but he chalked that up to the circumstances surrounding the entire debacle.
The weeks leading up to the coronation were surprising. It’s as if someone had flipped a switch and Handy had learned an awful truth he had not been anticipating. Do you know what Ponies and Griffons have in common? Go on, take a guess. If you guessed the fact that they are both walking, talking mythical creatures you’d have guessed right. However, what you missed was the fact that there was practically no damn difference. As soon as Geoffrey’s reign had ended and the sadness that was the mourning period of the king’s death had passed, the entire city of Skymount erupted into life, as if a great pall had been lifted.
And Handy was treated to bouts of the spontaneous insanity he had experienced in Equestria, including, but not limited to: Uninhibited joviality, bright colours, miscellaneous shenanigans and, of course, impromptu song and dance numbers. That last occurrence hit Handy like a sledgehammer with sheer incredulity. He remembered the last time he experienced such a unique event and how Joachim had remarked that it was entirely normal, for some reason he had imagined he would never need to worry about such nonsense here in the Griffon kingdom. But then again, his first impression of Griffons in large numbers was fighting ghosts and ponies on a speeding train and a city in mourning, so Handy quickly realised he, most likely, didn’t know his arse from his elbow about daily life in Gethrenia.
It wasn’t the only thing he learned that month. Firstly, his little midnight ‘snack’ on the night of the regicide sated his hunger quite effectively, for the next two weeks he didn’t find himself passing any remarks of blood he smelt or felt any compulsion to seek it out. Much to his joy. However, he also didn't feel the need to eat anything during that time and had to force himself to eat to keep up appearances. Soon enough he felt the pangs again and began taking notice of every available opportunity to slake his desire, never acting upon it of course, but it was beginning to seriously worry him. He had taken to eating his meat bloody and raw, it was enough to stave off him doing anything foolish, but it never quite got rid of the particular hunger that now appeared to be his constant companion. He needed larger quantities it seemed to at least have a week’s peace.
However, he hardly felt like going about feeding on random people, especially not with Joachim’s not so subtle warning about it, so he put up with the additional baggage. However, new bodily needs aside, he found it very hard at times not to kill complete strangers with his warhammer by caving in their skulls. Said strangers being the managers and overseers of his new businesses. First off, lets start with Handy’s Mill… What mill? It was a derelict building and a blighted eyesore in the poor part of town, one tavern appeared to at least be tolerable, which meant that it wasn’t on fire when he visited, unlike his other one. It still had customers despite the fire damage and the fact it was on verge of collapsing, the jovial barkeep was a likeable sort and looked suspiciously similar to the one who operated his other tavern.
Now, the inns came in three flavours. Small and ignominious, Medium and smelling like dead rats, Large and notorious. Those had caused Handy a few headaches, all of them were bleeding money, he summarily fired their managers while keeping most of the staff after a few interviews. It was easy to tell who cared enough about their job to keep it when their new boss, who was their lord and a royal knight, was breathing down their neck. And was also rumoured to be a vampire. He was going to need to invest more money to make any of these properties in any way profitable. The blacksmith was a failing business, which he found odd, as the quality of his products were excellent. He found out soon enough, the blacksmith only had the best materials in his work and used them well, but rarely found any buyers.
He had sat the bird down and discussed his business practices, eventually convincing him he’d need to focus on making more mundane metal craft, nails, tankards, wheel spokes, that sort of thing, in order to make any real money. The bird, understandably, protested initially, seeing his craft as an artform, Handy could appreciate that, but eventually got the bird to see sense. It also helped that Handy promised to commission him on occasion, having not been entirely pleased with the work of the blacksmiths in the castle. Sure they had fixed his armour enough, but it was an ugly patch job which ruined his armour’s aesthetic, and the steel used to repair his mail for some bizarre reason was brass in colour, he’d give this guy a shot once he got tired of putting up with his current armour.
The bakery did a fair trade and Handy was happy to leave well enough alone, the griffon family doing a fine job by his reckoning. The brewery was actually in a sad state, it wasn’t derelict but it had been struggling, its previous owner having gone deep into debt after having successive seasons of difficulty dealing with local farmers. Handy had at least a partial solution and planned on dedicating his farmland to growing hops and barley, as much as wheat would be good, Griffons ate bread and vegetables as an exception not a rule. He sorted out some concerns with the managers on site regarding structural integrity and other shit Handy really couldn't care less about. The carpenter’s workshop ended up being a large empty plot of land in the poor district. Handy elected to give Ivorybeak a right royal slap when he got back into the upper city.
And that, dear friends, is when Handy arrives at the last stop on his tour, the Alchemist’s Guild.
Holy shit what a mess. First off the door handle came off when he tried opening the front door, there were burn marks in the most awkward of places, noticeably the roof, haphazard and hilariously fragile lab equipment strewn everywhere, frantic looking scholarly griffons bickering over everything from the colour of the sky to advanced theories of alchemical whozamowhatsit. When he had enquired about the guild before arriving he was assured it was one of the finest seats of alchemical academia in the entirety of the Griffon Kingdom. If that was true Handy truly pitied the other cities playing host to these madbirds.
“Oh! Lord Handy!” A voice piped up. Handy looked around, not seeing the owner of the voice. “We were told you’d be dropping by sooner or later!” He looked up. There was a middle aged looking griffon head poking out of the ceiling. Its feathers were bright pink. Handy blinked.
“Yes… Yes thou were informed correctly. Mister…?”
“Featherbrain!” He replied, smiling brightly. Handy smelled something burning. He blinked again.
“…Of course it is. Why art thee in the roof?”
“Why WOULDN’T I be in the roof?” Featherbrain responded. Handy honestly had no answer to that. A griffon riding a unicycle, claws and wings outstretched with smoking vials tied to the ends of her primaries with strings and a volatile looking beaker balanced on her grey beak passed by.
“He failed his latest experiment.” She said, her expression almost bored looking.
“Did not!” Featherbrain responded indignantly, harrumphing. “Tis merely a setback.” Handy Blinked.
“…So… Is… Everything well here?” Handy asked, honestly scared to hear the answer.
“Oh yes, its actually been quite boring today if I am honest.” Featherbrain replied. You know, that really wasn’t what Handy wanted to hear.
“And… How doest this guild maintain its income?”
“Oh we make potions for the hospital and the average citizens and studying the arcane mysteries of the natural world!”
“And this is… Profitable?” Handy asked.
“Oh yes, quite!” Featherbrain smiled, then frowned. “Say, anyone else smell burning?” Handy waved his hand, honestly pleased that whatever madhouse this was, it was at least not a money pit.
“Good good.” Handy said relieved. He shifted under his cloak, having taking to wearing his formal suit under his cloak rather than his armour recently. It was good to be out of it once in a while, at least until he can un-fuck what the castle blacksmith did to the cuirass. “So what are the profits?” He asked. “I am entirely pleased to leave thee and thy fellows to thy studies, even assist so long as it does not prove to be a burden.” He added. Featherbrain nodded vigorously.
“Oh yes! Why, sales have picked up exponentially!” He said excitedly, well now, that was good to hear, maybe Handy can end the day on a happy note after all! “Why, ever since we started the policy of selling two for the price of one, we’ve seen sales skyrocket!” Ok, not bad, good tactic to draw in the punters. “Then we figured, lets sell even more potions for the price of one!” What. “So then we did!” Oh no. “Now we currently sell them a dozen for the price of one! Business has never been better!” Oh God no. Handy stammered.
“I… You… What?”
“Oh yes!” Featherbrain said, his head bopping about to a rhythm only he could hear.
“So… You’re telling me… You have been selling expensive potions... That take hours to brew up and prepare… At a twelfth of the price per bottle?” Handy said, anger slowly rising up within him.
“Yes! We’ve never had more customers buy stock from us! Business is booming.” The griffon responded. Handy had to lean against the wall for support.
“And… How long has this been the guild’s policy?” He asks, honestly terrified of the answer, now having a more full idea of what he was dealing with. Featherbrain screwed up his face, thinking.
“Oh, about the better part of two years now, strange, we seem to have been losing so much money we had to set the guildhall up for sale, you’d think it’d be the opposite with all the business we’re doing!”
Handy shook violently, an internal scream echoing through the cavernous halls of his soul.
--=--
Prince Johan was sitting in his study, going over the final matters of state, so that he could fix the damage Geoffrey had wrecked. The hardest parts were sorting out the grievances of the nobility, Duchess Stormcrown particularly, something to do about a dalliance with her daughter. However by Joachim’s reckoning it had occurred before Geoffrey had usurped his claim and little miss Stormcrown had a… Reputation. That took all of his tact to sort out. However, it was nearly over, with one final stroke of his quill, every ludicrous legislation, every wrong righted, every T crossed and I dotted, he had officially fixed his broken kingdom. His herculean task completed, he allowed himself an exasperated sigh as he slumped in his high back chair, enjoying the sound of the ticking clock.
That’s when Ivorybeak dumped more papers on his desk. “This month’s budget, Highness.” He said simply, with a happy smile. Johan cried inside. Resigning himself to his fate he took over the next scroll and looked at it, regretting it immediately. “Complete with the council’s suggestions as well as requests fro-”
“HHHHHEEEEEEEIIIINRRRRRIIIIIICHHHHH!” A voice thundered from some dark corner of the castle. Ivorybeak turned to the door.
“Oh dear, does someone require my assistance?” He said. Joachim smiled. Heavy footsteps could be heard storming to the study door. Two guards by the door stepped forward, preparing to open for the latest guest. Who proceeded to beat them to the punch, flinging the doors open violently, plastering the guards against the back walls comically.
“YOU AND ME NEED TO HAVE WORDS!” Handy shouted, hammer in hand. “TWO IN PARTICULAR: SMASHY SMASHY!” Joachim sighed and buried himself in his work, ignoring the two making a mess of his study. “COME HERE!”
“I SAY!”
“FACE YOUR FATE LIKE A BIRD OF PREY!”
“T-THIS IS MOST IMPROPER, H-HIGHNESS!”
“DON’T YOU PUSSY OUT OF THIS!”
“HE’S GOING TO KILL ME!”
“I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!”
“Handy, you can’t kill Ivorybeak.” Joachim said, almost bored.
“YES I CAN! I CAN KILL LOTS OF THINGS! WATCH!”
“AAAAAHHHHH!”
“ARRRRRRRGH!”
“WHAT DID I DO?!”
“SPEND MY MONEY WILL YOU?! BUY ME USELESS SHIT WILL YOU?!”
“BUT THOSE PRICES WERE A STEAL! IN THIS ECONOMY YOU USUALLY CAN’T AFFORD THINGS LIKE THAT SO CHEAPLY!”
“DID YOU EVER INVESTIGATE WHY!?”
“N-NO!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!”
“Handy.” Joachim said, licking the tip of his quill as he dipped it back in ink to continue his work. “Heinrich is our Chancellor and not our Steward for a reason.”
“H-HIGHNESS?” Ivorybeak sounded almost hurt.
“No offense, Ivory, you’re still an excellent minister and diplomat.” Joachim said. Ivory preened, before yelping as Handy shouted triumphantly. Joachim didn’t see, but he assumed the human got Ivory’s tail. He sighed and opened another scroll. Well, this was interesting. “Hey Handy, how’s your attitude towards ponies these days?”
“AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!”
“Right right, glad to see you are listening.” Joachim said, chuckling. “So, looks like in a month we’ll be going to Canterlot, High King Aleksander has requested my presence there as King of Gethrenia, which I will be by then.” His voice barely audible over the sound of raw destruction going on before him.
“LET GO!”
“NEVER!”
“P-PLEASE?”
“Also asked I bring you specifically, funny I thought we sorted out the incident with the Equestrian express.” Joachim said, tapping his beak thoughtfully. A candlebra flying over his head and crashing on the balcony outside through the open doorway. He sighed. “Well father did before he passed, that’s the only reason I can think he’s dragging me along, Gethrenia IS the first stop from the border afterall.” He rolled up the scroll and looked up.
His study was a God-damn battlefield. Bookcases turned over, floor ripped up, tapestries torn, the door was on fire, guards cowering in fear behind a bust of one of his ancestors, trying to push the other one out so they could hog all the space. Ivorybeak was in the ceiling, on the chandelier, Handy was ankle deep in torn papers and detritus, glaring wrath upon his poor chancellor.
“COME DOWN!” Handy shouted.
“NO!” Ivorybeak responded.
“Get all that?” Joachim said, completely deadpan.
“HEINRICH, I AM LOSING RESPECT FOR YOU BY THE SECOND, GET DOWN HERE AND TAKE YOUR BEATINGS!”
“YOU NEVER RESPECTED ME! NOT REALLY!”
“BESIDE THE POINT!”
“Good to hear.” Joachim said, descending from his chair and walking off casually through the chaos. “I’ll be in my solar, you kids play nice.” Joachim said, smiling at a private joke as the two of them traded insults back and forth behind him.
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its .......beautiful
Eh, I find Handy keeps getting a raw deal from Joachim a bit too often now. Not much of a friend.
4020144
4020149 Believe me, it won't last.
please sir, may I have some more
Handy is like Batman: just too damn stubborn to die
Need the ability to thumbs up more than once.
the prince had committed suicide
What? How do you knife yourself, almost in the back, slit your own throat, break your wrist/claw, and Then, because there's no kill like overkill, throw yourself off the castle. By yourself
4020689 Now that you point that out, it does look awkward, I'll change it.
EDIT: There fixed
4020488 Finish your vegetables first.
Woo! Fire!
I'm sure some bureaucrat from home could do three times as much in half the time.
See? Even Handy here knows that I'm right.
I can't. C'mon Handy, dig deeper!
I'm sorry that the inter-dimensional being doesn't conform to your idea of possible, Joachim.
Really, Joach?
They aren't going to react to shit, because he's your servant ATM. I mean, how do you miss that?
I'm different, because I wouldn't. Of course, so long as they don't bite me in my sleep I'd be okay.
Also, I have a vampire as a friend. Go ahead, make fun of me.
Oh dear lord, I couldn't stop laughing. This... this was probably the best part behind the "Why the fuck is my armor like Twilight?" bit.
Just a question, do you happen to play Crusader Kings 2?
4022393 Logged over 600 hours last time I checked Steam.
So yes, yes I do play Crusader Kings II. Alot.
Let me guess: rumors of how Prince Joachim claimed the throne after his human knight, Handy the Milesian (the Pale One, the Heartless, Dragon Slayer, Nightbane and Storm Breaker, etc...) defeated Dame Shortbeak and killed the previous crowned king, Geoffrey, with his bare hands, are going to travel veeery fast to Equestria´s throne, right?
4022774 Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
4022779 Sir I fucking love you ...like a brother don't worry about it this story should have many more likes I find it hilarious please make next chapter soon
Hmm, handy must look like he's skillfully orchestrating a shift of power using underhanded tactics while enriching himself in the process to the princesses point of view at this point while in reality the universe is just fucking with him.... They will probably assume he killed both the king and geoffrey to put someone of relation on the throne (though they will be correct on the second assumption but for the wrong reasons) and they will probably think he's doing it all as some kind of agent for his species of which they don't know anything about and so will be on alert for some kind of hostile takeover as with the changelings (as much good that did them). I really can't wait to see what happens next. And I'm not sure if the mane six are going to make a appearance in this already extraordinary fic but if so I'm certainly looking forward to that too.
4021129 What Court is your vampire friend? Or is he/she actually in politics?
So, is he a vampire? Or is he just nuts? Or both?
4555441 he just has a bloodlust
And he might be a vampire
>other shit Handy really could care less about
Ah, I'm glad he cares
At least he can get his blood potions in the cheap.
I love this story...
4020400 What? Him getting the raw deal or the friendship?
4020689 Easy, change the order. Place your knife, jump on it and your wrist, then slit your throat with the other one.
Allah hu Akbar (Praise the king I believe, seems fitting for this flexible suicide)
It's official: Handy is mortal Thor.
End of discussion.
No room for argument, all attempts are invalid.
This epic story took it's time but it finally got me invested, love this chapter can't w8 to read more
also let's not forget :
38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m78tvjwwMW1r1f54io1_500.gif
4020144 yes it is
The last part omg so funny
5986103 Vampire Thor. All the badassness of Thor, all the swag of Dracula.
6667222
yes.just yes
....Aaaand into Favorites you go.
Can't. Can't breath. Oooohhhhhhh, good laugh.
Alright, I was giving this story a fair chance, but I've sort of lost interest in it now that there is this whole vampire bullshit going on.
...Nevermind. The end of this chapter was so fucking good. I can look past the vampire thing. <3
This is seriously the best. Gotta love Handy
That ending XD.
This, right here, the ending, this is why I'm going to love thi story, just simply beutiful
4020689 the kingdom hated him so much that they never looked for who killed him. They didn't care. That is how is see it.
Intact
It takes a couple chapters to get going, but once it does this story is frigg'n gold.
Just Commentary this time, seems JBL finally got all the mistakes in this one.
I'm suddenly aware of just how many times Handy nearly immolates himself before he discovers his new flammability
And a great light was extinguished from this world
This is somewhere in the top five funniest moments of this fic'
And ending with The Title Tally!: Sir Handy The Milesian of Skymount, Pale One, The Heartless, Dragon Slayer, Hectoir's bane, Nightbane, Storm Breaker, Baron Haywatch.
I do need to breathe sometime today you know.
Oh how I’ve missed this story
I love Handy
And Ivorybeak
And the Prince
Your characters are all so colorful and fun!
^^
I kinda hope that the vampire thing goes away at some point. It's a bit of a dumb plot point. Bat ponies drinking blood is ludicrous. Them passing on vampirism via bite to an alien species? I hate it. This keeps going and I can see him taking on Gary Stu levels of power.