I just wasn't ready
“You have to talk to her someday, little filly.”
“Ah want to, Granny, Ah really do,” Applejack sighed, fidgeting with her hat nervously between her hooves. “Ah jus’ don’t know if Ah’m ready. Ah don’t know if she’ll understand.”
“We did what we had to do, Applejack. You were a youngin’, too young to be lookin’ after a foal of yer own.” Granny Smith smiled at her granddaughter. “You know I’d like to say hello to my great-granddaughter, before I shuffle off,” the old mare added with a wink at the younger.
“Can’t things jus’… can’t they jus’ stay the same?” Applejack sighed. “Everything is workin’ right now. Everypony is happy.”
“But are ya? Are ya really? Don’t think Ah don’t see that look ya get in yer eye.” Granny Smith turned to look her granddaughter in the eyes. “Ignorin’ it’s just as bad as lying to yerself… and you’ve been lyin’ to yerself so long that even you’re startin’ to believe it’s the truth.”
“Ah dunno. Ah…” Applejack brushed a stray tear from her cheek. “Ah’m mighty sorry, Granny. Can Ah be excused? Ah need to get some air.”
“Of course; you don’t have to ask my permission to leave.” Granny Smith chuckled, a warm sound that helped sooth Applejack’s frayed nerves.
They always frayed when the topic came up.
Applejack pushed away from the table. Big Mac would be returning for lunch soon, and Apple Bloom was likely to come hurtling through the kitchen for a feast before a hard day’s crusading. She slipped her hat back to its rightful place, and closed the door behind her.
“You got to tell her, little filly,” Granny Smith sighed as she watched the door close. “The longer you leave it, the harder it’s gonna be.”
Ж
“Oh, Applejack!” Rarity waved with enthusiasm as she saw her friend walking through town. She cantered across the square, careful not to drop the bags she was levitating, to where her friend was trudging slowly. “What a rare treat to see you in town on a S—”
Rarity cut herself off when she saw the morose look on Applejack’s face.
“Oh, hi sugarcube,” Applejack replied with a sullen tone, a weak smile playing across her lips. “Ah didn’t see ya there… How are ya doin’ today?”
“I’m fiiiine…” she responded. “And how are you?” Rarity watched as that false smile grew.
“Ah’m doin’ fine and dandy.” Applejack looked to the bags Rarity was carrying. “Been shoppin’? What did ya get?”
Rarity fought the urge to frown; Applejack was never one for small talk, and had never asked Rarity about shopping before. Clearly her farmer friend was being evasive.
“Oh, I just had to pick up some cakes from Sugarcube Corner. Oh, and some more tea! Twilight is coming over soon, and one can not serve anything but hoof-picked tea to royalty. I had some mail-ordered from Tea Love’s shop in Canterlot.”
“Th’ one with the tiny cakes?” Applejack asked.
“The very same,” Rarity responded, annoyed that most of her friends had only remembered the tiny cakes, rather than the divine selection of teas available.
As upset as Applejack was, she couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Well, that sounds… mighty nice. Y’all have a good time then, and say ‘hi’ to Twi for me.” Rarity’s eyes narrowed as Applejack started to walk away.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-no, Applejack. You will not get off the hook that easily.
“Why don’t you join us, my dear?” Rarity asked, as she trotted up beside the retreating mare. “I am certain Twilight would not mind you joining us… so long as you clean those hooves before coming into my boutique!” Rarity added, bumping her flank against her friend.
“That’s alright, sugarcube. Ah don’t want to interrupt y’all.”
Shoot! Not even a bite, Rarity thought to herself. Normally the farmer would scoff… or make some remark involving the words ‘prissy’ and ‘frou-frou’. Even after their little spat at Twilight’s sleepover, the two enjoyed a little jab at each other every now and then; it was an established part of their repartee.
“Oh, nonsense! We’d love to have you join us.” Rarity kept step with Applejack. Something was the matter, and she wanted to know what it was. Applejack did not seem convinced, so Rarity added the kicker. “Why, I am certain Twilight would feel terrible if she thought you didn’t feel welcome. We all see less and less of her these days.”
It was completely untrue, but both Applejack and Rarity were well aware of Twilight’s fear that she would become isolated from them, now that she was a princess. She felt a tad guilty manipulating her friend that way, but it was for a good cause! At least, Rarity thought so, if she could only find out what was upsetting her friend.
“Alright, Ah’ll come,” Applejack sighed.
Ж
“So…” Twilight started, looking towards their unusually quiet companion. “How are things at the farm? Ready for cider season?”
“Eeyup.”
Twilight looked to Rarity, who shrugged. Throughout their conversation Applejack had remained quiet, avoiding joining the conversation and answering enquiries with the shortest responses.
Twilight reached a hoof out, and gently touched Applejack’s. The farmer pulled back with a start.
“What was that for, Twilight?” Applejack asked, her hoof now hidden behind the other.
“Applejack,” Rarity replied, “something is upsetting you. That was clear since I met you in the market today.”
“Then why didn’t y’all just let me be?” Applejack growled.
“Because we’re your friends,” Twilight answered. “If something is bothering you, then you should tell us; we might be able to help.”
“Nopony can help me with this problem.” Applejack pushed herself away from the table.
“I am sure we can help,” Rarity responded.
Applejack could feel her eyes welling up. Not here!
“Y’all don’t know what you’re talkin’ about!” Applejack made a break for the door. If she could just get outside, get away from them—
“Wait!” A purple flash burst in front of the running mare, and Applejack found herself toppling over the third highest princess in Equestria.
“Oh, dear! Are you two alright?” Rarity called as she trotted from the kitchen, concern etched across her brow as she cast a glance to the ponnequins around her boutique. She eased when she could see nothing in the shop was damaged, or out of order.
“Did anypony get the number of that train?” Twilight asked as she sat up, untangling herself from Applejack. “Are you okay, Applejack?”
Twilight and Rarity looked down at their friend; Applejack had covered her face with her hat, and shied away from them as they tried to help her to her hooves.
“Applejack, darling?” Rarity stepped lightly as she moved towards the farmer once she was on her hooves again. Applejack was shaking all over, though her face was still obscured by her stetson.
“Oh, Applejack, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
“Yah didn’t hurt me, Twi,” Applejack answered with a raspy voice. When she lifted her hat from her face and placed it back on her head, both mares could see her tears, matting the fur of her cheeks. “Ah’m sorry, Ah should leave. Ah can’t bother you none with mah problems.”
Rarity and Twilight were in shock; neither of them had ever seen the strong farm-mare crying before. They were not sure how to deal with this Applejack.
“We’re here for you, Applejack.” Rarity levitated a box of tissues and gave them to Applejack. “No matter what your problems, we’re here for you.”
“We are.” Twilight nodded.
“Come on, let’s go back into the kitchen, and you can tell us what is going on.”
Ж
“Y’all remember when Ah told ya the story of how Ah got mah cutie mark?”
Both mares nodded.
“Well, a couple’a things happened when Ah was in Manehattan.” Applejack paused, sighing. “Ah was young, and Ah was stupid.
“When Ah was staying with Aunt and Uncle Orange, Ah met a colt. He was the son of one’a mah uncle’s business partners. He was real nice t’ me, and real easy on th’ eye.
“He were a little older than me, too. Ah was only fourteen when Ah went there.”
Rarity’s brow furrowed, while Twilight listened intently.
“Ah didn’ know much about… relations… Ma and Pa was already— well, they was no longer with us. An’ Granny Smith didn’t talk about such things.
“So Ah didn’t really know what Ah was doin’, or…” Applejack lowered her gaze, not wanting to look at her friends. “…how to be… uhhh… safe.”
Rarity rose and sat next to Applejack, pulling her into a hug. Twilight looked to the marshmallow mare; clearly Rarity had picked something up that Twilight hadn’t.
“Ah— Ah was ‘bout four months along when Ah got back t’ Ponyville.” Applejack accepted the tissue Rarity offered. “Ah didn’t know, not until Granny Smith took me t’ see the doctor.
“Ah was so terrified— Ah was too young! Ah didn’t know how t’ be a mother.”
Rarity squeezed Applejack tightly. Twilight moved to give her friend a hug, too, having finally caught on to what they were talking about.
“Ah— we dealt with it, as a family. But Ah always felt terrible—”
They were interrupted by a hissing sound, and the clatter of fabric.
“Oh, Opal, are you okay, sweetie?” Rarity called out from the table. She got up to check what had happened. Opal had evidently been playing with the fabric from one of her fabric bins, and the thing had toppled on her.
“Mommy is a little busy right now, so you just run along.” Rarity eyed the mess of fabric on the floor. “I guess I will have to just clean that up later.”
She watched as the small ball of claws and fur turned an angry eye towards the fabric, before the cat slowly skulked up the stairs.
“I’m sorry, Applejack, you were saying…”
Ж
Sweetie Belle crept quietly through the boutique, careful not to make a sound. She could hear Rarity talking to somepony in the kitchen, and her sister did not like to be interrupted.
The Crusaders were going to be trying for their skydiving cutie marks today, and while Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were busy trying to convince Rainbow Dash to give them a lift up to the clouds, it was Sweetie Belle’s job to get the material for their parachutes.
It wasn’t stealing, per se, she was just borrowing the material; she was going to bring it back. And like her dad always said, it’s easier to forgive than to give permission… or something like that. It was usually when mom caught him borrowing cookies from the cookie jar.
“Ah— Ah was ‘bout four months along when Ah got back t’ Ponyville.” Sweetie Belle recognised Applejack’s voice. She listened in quietly as she sifted through one of Rarity’s fabric bins.
Did it really take four months for her to come home? She told us she ran all the way!
“Ah didn’t know, not until Granny Smith took me t’ see the doctor.”
Well, that would make sense. Anypony would be sick if they ran for four months.
“Ah was so terrified— Ah was too young! Ah didn’t know how t’ be a mother.”
Sweetie Belle stopped searching the bin.
Did she just say…?
Sweetie Belle fell backwards out of the fabric stash, crashing onto Opal’s tail. The cat hissed and swiped at her. The filly dove for the fabric now spilled across the floor, just as Rarity entered the room.
In an uncanny reversal of her usual luck, Opal was blamed for the mess Sweetie Belle made, and Rarity did not notice the little filly hiding in the stash. Opal glowered at Sweetie Belle as the cat skulked up the stairs.
The moment Rarity was back in the kitchen, Sweetie Belle made a dash for the exit. Forget the fabric, she had to talk to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo!
Ж
“Ah can’t believe Rainbow Dash said no! Ah thought ya said she was cool, Scootaloo.”
“She is cool!” Scootaloo protested as they zoomed along on her scooter. “She’s the most coolest of cools that ever cooled. Why, she’s so cool that I bet that she said we shouldn’t try parachuting because she knows how totally uncool parachuting is.”
“Uhhh, maaaaaaaybe?” Apple Bloom responded. “But what are we supposed to do now? Sweetie Belle is probably in the clubhouse right now, waitin’ for us.”
The two skidded to a halt in front of the clubhouse.
“Sweetie Belle, are ya there?” Apple Bloom called out, as she and Scootaloo ascended the ramp. “Rainbow Dash said no!”
They walked through the doorway to find Sweetie Belle bouncing with excitement.
“That’s okay it doesn’t matter I just heard the most awesome thing!” she squealed, with so much excitement a small burst of green shot from her horn.
“Oops, sorry…” Sweetie Belle apologised, as Scootaloo doused the now-lit curtains.
Once the fire was under control (the Crusaders never did understand why they never got their cutie marks in fire-fighting; they certainly did it enough!), they turned back to Sweetie Belle.
“So?” Scootaloo prompted. “What’s the news?”
Sweetie Belle looked to Scootaloo for a few moments, then burst out, “Oh yeah!
“I was getting the material for the parachutes when I heard my sister talking to somepony. Applejack was there, and I think it was Twilight, too.
“They were talking about when Applejack was in Manehattan and when she came back she had a filly! Isn’t that amazing?”
“What‽” Scootaloo gasped. “You never told us Applejack had a foal!”
“Whuh?” Apple Bloom asked. “What do you… Ah don’t… wait, yer saying Ah have a niece‽”
“That’s what Applejack said!” Sweetie Belle answered. “You’re Auntie Apple Bloom!”
“That’s so cool!” Scootaloo added. “Oh wait, you know what this means?”
“What?” both fillies asked at once.
“Well, since the Apple Family are always the last to get their cutie marks—”
“Hey!” Apple Bloom protested.
“—that means that your niece probably doesn’t have her cutie mark either. Which means…”
All three fillies looked at each other, and shouted in unison, “WE CAN ASK HER TO BECOME A CUTIE MARK CRUSADER!”
Ж
Applejack trudged back to the farm, her head hanging low as to avoid the gaze of any passers by. While it was good talking with the girls, it had been emotionally exhausting, and she didn’t want to have to deal with anypony else. Too many ponies knew already…
Thankfully, Twilight and Rarity had not judged her harshly. Twilight was a little surprised at her decision, but Rarity had understood why Applejack had made such a choice. Still, they were completely supportive… something Applejack felt ashamed that she had not expected. She wasn’t sure about other ponies, though.
The sun was sinking slowly over the western fields. The golden light bathed the apple orchard, giving the trees an ethereal glow. Sunsets like this brought peace to Applejack’s heart; they told her everything was right with the world, that everything would be okay.
Her reverie was interrupted abruptly as she stepped through the door, and was tackled by a small, yellow filly.
“Applejack! Why didn’t ya ever tell me?” Apple Bloom bounced with joy on top of the prone mare. “Ah can’t believe it, Ah have a niece! Ah can’t believe Ah’m Auntie Apple Bloom! Why did y’all keep it a secret from me?”
Applejack looked around the room to where Big Mac and Granny Smith were sitting. Big Mac was looking everywhere but at his sister, and Granny Smith wore an uncharacteristic frown.
“We didn’t tell ‘er, Applejack,” Granny answered the unspoken question. “Seems she heard it from one o’ her friends, when you were visiting yer dressy friend today.”
Rarity’s.
The crash in the boutique.
It must have been Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo who had overheard.
The fleeting peace Applejack had finally achieved evaporated as the little filly continued to bounce around her excitedly. She got up and sat on her haunches, and pulled the excited filly into her arms. Tears streaked down her cheeks for the second time this day.
“You ain’t an aunt, Apple Bloom.” Applejack hugged Apple Bloom as hard as she could; she had hoped desperately that this day would never come. She loved her little sister; how would Apple Bloom look at her after this… once she knew the truth?
“Ah’m really sorry, sugarcube.” Applejack sniffed as she rubbed a teary cheek across Apple Bloom’s. “There’s something Ah’ve gotta tell ya about— about your momma.”
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Oh hell the baby's dead isn't it?
3847133
Obviously left that too vague. Apple Bloom isn't an aunty.
3847153
She's the kid!
I had my suspicions that Applebloom is Applejack's daughter since I read the summary.
The story is enjoyable, but it feels like it ends a few pages too soon. It should continue till we get to see Applebloom's response, or at least continue for a few more sentences, so that Applejack actually gets to make her Big Reveal.
Still, not bad for four hours.
3847195
After reading it out loud to my wife, I kind of realised where the ambiguity came from, and I might tweak that ending just a little bit to include the reveal.
3847195 3847155
How's that? I tweaked the last paragraph so that it made full the reveal.
Not sure if I would follow up with Apple Bloom's reaction.
3847215
)
Well, now the ending is a little more explicit, although it's still too ambiguous for my tastes. (Yes, I'm impossible to please.
And on that note, after reading it again, I have even more nitpicks for you!
First of all, there's your Applespeak.
Linguistically speaking, "Y'all" is a second person personal plural. It's only used when you address multiple people. It is not simply a southern replacement for "you."
For example, when Applebloom says:
This is correct usage, because she is speaking to the rest of the Apple Clan, which includes Applejack, Granny Smith, and Big Mac. However, in this story you also use it in places where it's inappropriate, such as
Here, Applejack is addressing Applebloom by herself. There is only one Applebloom, so the word should be "you" and not "y'all." (Although if you want to spell out her accent, it might be acceptable to render it as "yah," as you do in some places)
This is a common mistake, but it's very important to make the distinction when writing someone who speaks a southern dialect, like our favourite fruit-themed cowpony.
Incidentally, the show itself gets this wrong occasionally (especially in Look Before You Sleep). The authors have apparently never studied how people with that accent actually talk.
And on an unrelated note, this story's title is kind of weird: "We're family but so much more" ...I thought a mother/daughter relationship was family.
Still, it's not as bad for Applebloom as it could be. In many stories, Applebloom isn't just Applejack's daughter, she's her incestuous daughter with Big Mac. 
...now that I think about it, you left information about the father vague enough you could do a sequel featuring our Mystery Colt. Maybe it's even someone we know!
Oh, and a big "hello!" to your wife from nearly anonymous people who read your Pony stories on the internet!
3847380
Hahaha, yeah the 'southern vernacular' thing; it's kind of hard because the only exposure I have to it over here (howdy from Australia!) is pretty much through MLP and a few other shows that have 'southern' stereotypes; and accuracy on the language is not a top priority for them.
I'll be going through again with a fine tooth comb, I will make sure to try and correct the usage of yah and y'all. (I think I got them all now!)
Also, reworked the ending, for a little less ambiguity. Maybe I have pleased you now, master? No? Oh well.
And whoof! The Big Mac/Applejack idea... yeah, well, you won't be catching me writing incestuous stories.
Not sure if I will do a sequel to it, or explore who her father is. The way I see it, he is not important to the story. I was actually looking at putting something in about him not wanting to have anything to do with Applejack, but it seemed much like the Ditzy/Dinky Doo backstory I wrote in Look Right Through Me.
And we don't really know many Manehattenites, or at least stallions. So likely not somepony we know
3847658
Salutations from the Pacific Northwest!
Now that's an understatement.
Huzzah! I have contributed to correct grammar on the internet for a dialect of English I don't speak! I feel fulfilled now.
The ending itself was okay. As I said, I thought it only really needed a sentence or so more to make it less ambiguous. But I'll wait till I've read your changes to comment.
What makes you think I'm a "Master" and not a "Mistress?"
That's quite alright, there is more than enough Applecest on FimFiction already.
Hmmm... you may have a point there.
The father doesn't have to currently live in Manehatten. It was back when Applejack was a filly, after all. Still, if they had visited/lived in Ponyville at some point there'd probably be a whole heap of awkward between Applejack and our Mystery Colt.
...Applebloom, daughter of Flam.
3847658
I wouldn't want a sequel exploring who the father is. He is nobody, and frankly not important to the story. However. . .
Apple Bloom's reaction is something I want to read. The shape of her world has changed forever. 'Big Sis' has been lying to her for her entire life, her relationship with the most important people in her life has changed. The smallest of these being Big Mac is Uncle Mac, and Granny Smith is Great Granny, to the big one, Sis is Mom. I generally read the CMC as pre-teens, a time when children are exploring their place in the world. Apple Bloom would not deal with this in a blasé manner, her reaction, positive or negative, would likely be extreme.
Spoilered for those who have not read the story yet.
3847988
I am considering that. It is in the idea pile, if I can work out what would be good enough to follow this up with. I'd hate to write a sequel just for the sake of a sequel, if it didn't live up to the self-standard I set in this one.
The dad's identity, you are spot on with that.
3847927
Actually, I was pretty certain you had confirmed you gender in another post on another story of mine (I remember the little things) but I was using master in the genderless sense rather than Master the gendered title, that goes with Mistress.
Plus, my wife would probably object if I started having Mistresses all around the place, regardless of how I meant it
And daughter of Flam? Well, they have the apple cutie marks. They have the yellow coat, and the red hair.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I can not unthink that now.
3850709
I don't think I ever did.
Good policy.
I am trying very hard not to make a "fickle mistress" joke here.
3850911
It was probably a presumption then, on my part. On MDTTC you asked another poster something similar: 'how do you know I am a guy?'
*shrugs*
Whelp, it is ready for publishing now. This is the final version, it's in the queue for approval now.
3851057
I don't think I've ever mentioned my gender on FimFic, yet a lot of people still call me "mister" or "good sir." I make a point of asking about their assumptions each time. I've gotten some interesting answers...
...and some really, really stupid ones as well.
The most common answer is "I'm a man, and I don't know what you are, so I assumed you are one, too."
I've had three people actually say that.
Huzzah! The fun has been doubled!
...we need a Princess Luna emoticon for these situations.
What a twist, another great fic and quite unique. If you do ever do a sequel I have to agree with 3847988 thoughts on that.
So what happens next ?
I mean it cannot end like that, can't it ?
There's bound to be some continuation to the story, right ?
Keep up the good work.
Headcanon accepted.
Why not it worked for dlazerous
3852316
I think mostly because of how Rarity and Sweetie Belle were in Sisterhooves social. If Rarity was feeling guilt about 'her daughter' then most of sisterhooves social would have to really be written off, or at least in my head.
The Apple family is more ambiguous, so gives me room to work with.
Eh... Well It wasn't really a big surprise (all the other stories that do it), but the story was nicely executed compared to the ones that I have read.
I'm honesty torn about this story.
I did upvote it, because it's well-written, it isn't terribly cliche, and I really felt it.
But the whole Apple Bloom is AJ's daughter thing is just...woogh...kinda oogie. And besides, AJ didn't look nearly old enough in her Manehattan flashbacks to even go into heat.
So yeah. Upvote, on the strength of the writing alone, but the notion itself is kinda oogie.
3852625
I understand the oogieness of it, it was hardly a romance story, and I had hoped Rarity's reaction would show the general disapproval for an older stallion with a younger, completely inexperienced mare. Though let's be honest, she was a filly.
If we go by human years (remember: an actual pony goes into puberty at 2 years old, and reaches sexual maturity around 3); then she would have been between 13 and 14, which was where my mind put her. So regardless of emotions felt by the stallion, it was by law, indecent dealings with a minor. That part of the story was not supposed to be nice, and your disapproval of that part does you credit! Underage sex though, that sadly is a part of life.
Side rant: I will be honest, I fucking hate the whole 'in heat' thing. I tend to equate these characters as more human than animal like, and while a human girl can begin her estrus cycle as young as eight, commonly it happens around ten years to thirteen, which is considered average. Being capable of sexual reproduction is different to 'going into heat' which is commonly treated as 'being sex crazy' (at least on this site); human girls do not become sex-crazed the moment they start getting their period, so I don't see any reason why these ponies would either.
Personally, the moment I see a story talking about a mare 'going into heat', I immediately browse away. Though those stories tend to treat the characters as ready to fuck anything with a pulse.
Edit: I think the problem is mostly with the term. 'A young mare going into heat' has very different connotations than 'A young mare who has just started getting her period'. The difference therein lies the ooginess, for my part.
I'm sorry, but i just couldn't help but burst into laughter at the CMC's outbursts
3853013
Yeah, that was a little mean of me… Awwwwwwwkwaaaaaaard!
Oh come on you can't leave us on such a big cliffhanger. This ain't an ending, it's a cliffhanger between chapters. Please give us a sequel telling us what happened please, please, please.
I'm not gonna lie i probably wouldn't enjoyed it as much if you went with Sweetie and Rarity instead. I've seen it in stories and fan work so many times, it was nice to see the story told differently.
3853299
Lol. Cliffhanger endings. Evidently you are not familiar with my works
I have an idea for a sequel, or maybe even a second chapter to this one, depending on how much of a tonal shift there is between the two. It would probably follow Apple Bloom more than Applejack.
I am working on something else right now (as in right this second) and I have a few other stories I need to get done before a second part to this; but if I can work out something that is good, I'll be posting it, don't you worry!
3853323 Well if i know it's on the horizon then i'm happy and i look forward to what ever you write next
AJ: Applebloom, I am your Mother!
AB: No! That is not True! that is Imposable! also why are we on Bespin?
3851136
My answer to such to such question is statistics. It is statistically likely that a fimfic user chosen at random is male; and statistically less likely they will take offence for someone getting it wrong if they are a woman mistaken for a man than for the reverse case.
3854557
Uh... that's close to saying "There are no women on the internet, so I will address anyone I meet as if they were men, and if I am wrong, men won't care, and women are inherently understanding."
Let's not go there.
3854615
I use gender neutral terms as often as practical, and try not to make assumptions, but yes. Although my admitting my thought process to be as such would probably offend more women than any actual instance of the mistake.
And I know there are women on the internet, but I also know that the majority of the brony community are men. I don't recall at the moment just how big that majority is, but I know it is not insignificant.
I WANT MOAAARRR
Um..you know, if that's alright with you...
Do not worry yourself if you say y'all when talking to one person. Its a common mistake that even people in the south (Like me) will do from time to time.
Anyway, good story.
I thought it was going to be Scootaloo.
3856156
Hah! That might have been a hilarious twist, if I was going for comedy.
Though, actually, I have a sneaking suspicion I've read a story along those lines before.
Interesting story premise, I don't think I've read one like this before. I'm not terribly fond of the idea, but you handled it in a mature light with some surprising character depth, considering the length. Overall, an enjoyable read!
3856965
Thanks! I take that as high praise from someone who is not fond of the concept.
aw, I hate cliffhangers.
This is really good though
Upon reading the synopsis I get the feeling this is another "Applejack is actually Apple Bloom's mother" story. Will read to see if I'm wrong
3857871
Yep. As I suspected. You kind of gave it away in the first paragraph, so it got boring just waiting for her to finally say it
Now, while I don't want to discourage you, I'll say this. The point at which Sweetie Belle overhears and then tells Apple Bloom the same thing was a nice throw in, but it lost most of its impact because there was little focus on the CMC, and the whole situation blew over rather quickly. This story needs to be 2-3 times longer, and you could add some flavor by focusing on Applejack struggling to cope with daily life. You glanced on it, but there wasn't enough focus to avoid the "Yes, we get it. she messed around a bit and came home pregnant with Applebloom. Get on with the bloody story."
Show how she can't focus on apple bucking because Apple Bloom wants to help and it reminds her that she hasn't told the filly, and is overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Show the awkward conversation when it finally happens, and how Apple Bloom is shocked and horrified. You could even continue this to show how life goes on after the fact. Perhaps Apple Bloom runs away, and Applejack has to go find her or something. Maybe get some family bonding in there, and some room for character development with Applejack as she learns to deal with it. "Sunrise" by Erin Hunter provides a nice example of how this exact situation should go down. Leafpool lies to her kits, telling them that her sister is their mother because she's not supposed to have had them. The final reveal is a dramatic climax that creates a rift lasting for an entire six books afterward.
And that's another thing that weighs your story down. You forgot the number one rule: between the first and last word in your story, something has to change.
Nothing's changed here, other than Apple Bloom now knows, and that's not enough. We see no character development from Applejack, who is the main character. Something needs to change about her. She needs to learn. It can be for worse or for better, but if nothing changes, there's no point to the story, and it falls flat on its face.
Work on fixing that and you might end up with something feasible.
Oh and, you've got a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, along with some telly narratives. Might want to check those out as well.
Yep, I know directly when I read the description, but that was also the reason that I decided to read this story to begin whith!
Oh well... time to go kick a puppy and stomp on kitten because this is...'Applejack is Apple Bloom's mom' story number 34982 of the 9001st generation. not hating, just sayin.
Yall who make these stories need Jesus!
3858774
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw604_1303035490212.jpg
Also, tried the jesus, didn't like. Sent it back and got enchiladas instead.
I also like the concept of
being 
's daughter.
I hope you will continue this. I really want to see what is going to happen next.
This could really be a good fic if it went on
Please, please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please tell me you have a continuation or sequel planned!
3861862>>3860145
It's in the planning stages.
I know one thing: they're not dead