• Published 23rd Nov 2011
  • 5,754 Views, 52 Comments

Cupcakes: The Musical - SweeneyXoz

  • ...

Act I: Part I

Exterior of a baker's shop

The sound of an organ destroys the eerie silence. It plays the familiar opening of Stephen Sondheim's "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street". A single candle sits in the window of the shop. It flickers lightly at first, but begins to grow until the light spreads throughout the shop, giving the appearance of the store interior being in flames. As the shop burns, four strong-looking ponies enter from the rear of the audience carrying a wrapped body and slowly make their way to the stage. A horrible, piercing train whistle sounds as a lone brown earth pony exits the store, untouched by the flames. He faces the audience gathered in front of the store, his expression dark and foreboding.

Doctor Whooves
Attend the tale of Pinkie Pie.
Her mane was bright, her movements spry
And ponies all across the land
Would come to see new parties that she had planned.
But no one saw through all the lies
Of Pinkie Pie,
The spastic baker of Sweet Street.

By now, the four stallions have arrived at the storefront. One of the four comes away from the group while they toss the body inside the inferno. He stands next to the other pony and faces the audience.

Big Macintosh
She owned a store in Ponyville
Where all the ponies had their fill
And though many customers tasted her treats,
Some unlucky ponies would become the sweets
Through Pinkie,
Through Pinkie Pie,
The spastic baker of Sweet Street.

As the large stallion sings, more haggard-looking ponies enter from either side, shuffling slowly to join the two already present. They turn simultaneously, their expressions dead. As the light increases a bit, it becomes clear the entire ensemble consists of ghosts, dry blood staining their throats.

Ghost Chorus
Raise your hacksaw high, Pinkie!
Hold it to the sky!
Make them writhe in pain before your
Deadened eyes...

As the chorus holds and their last note and becomes quieter, a group of depressed schoolfoals cross in the opposite direction, led by a rose-colored mare. Their behavior is somber. They continue aimlessly as the teacher moves to the audience to join the others.

Balloons and ribbons across the store.
But under such bright things galore
A room that stank of sweet decay
With blood of innocents splattered on hay.
The darkness that will never die
In Pinkie Pie,
The spastic baker of Sweet Street.

As the schoolteacher sings, one of the members of the orchestra, a grey mare with a dignified appearance, carries her cello onto the stage and takes the center, playing and singing.

Enthusiastic Pinkie was
Cheerful and happy and gay she was
Under the floor, hacksaw in hoof
Her victims were tortured, while she was aloof.
Pinkie giggled and Pinkie laughed.
No one could escape her macabre craft.
Pinkie was smooth, Pinkie was subtle.
Pull your number and end all your troubles.

Ghost Chorus (joining in a few at a time)
Pinkie was smooth, Pinkie was subtle.
Pull your number and end all your troubles.
Pinkie was smooth, Pinkie was subtle.
Pull your number and end all your troubles.
Pinkie was smooth, Pinkie was subtle. / Pinkie! Pinkie!
Pull your number and end all your troubles. / Pinkie! Pinkie!

The lights focus on a lone pink mare who has entered from the raging inferno inside the shop. The ensemble parts and turns to face her as she seems to command them.

Pinkie Pie
Attend the tale of Pinkie Pie.

Ghost Chorus
Attend the tale of Pinkie Pie!

Pinkie Pie
You'll stick a cupcake in your eye.

Ghost Chorus
You'll stick a cupcake in your eye!

Pinkie Pie
So what happens then? Well that's the tale
And now, everypony, we shall regale.

With Pinkie, with Pinkie Pie
The spastic baker of Sweet...

The lights on the streets fade fade and the ensemble disperses, fading away like the ghosts they are. The flames die and mist envelopes the area. To the left, an orange earth pony in an unusual hat stands on a balcony, supposedly the edge of a ship. She gazes off into the distance. The music becomes grandiose and calming, like a ship on the sea.

Exterior of the docks

All across Equestria I've seen wonders,
From Manehattan
To fantastic Canterlot.
But they're not quite like Ponyville.
I hear the schoolbells ring.
They just make me want to sing.
No, they're--

Pinkie Pie steps to Applejack's side.

Pinkie Pie
Not quite like Ponyville.

Applejack: Ms. Pie, ma'am...

Pinkie Pie
You can't lie.
You must not see this place
For what it is.

The two take some stairs down to the stage level. They re-enter, carrying travel bags and stepping into the fog.

Pinkie Pie: Well, dear Applejack, I guess this is good-bye. I pinkie swear that I'll never forget the good ship Lollipop, nor the young pony who rescued me.

Applejack: Ain't no need for thanks, ma'am. I'm sure any pony worth her salt would've rescued ya from that dreaded Everfree Forest.

Pinkie Pie: I guarantee there're plenty of ponies who would've just left me there! And that's not nice at all...

On the opposite side of the stage, a crazy beggar mare wanders about, wrapped in an old cloak. Her mane and coat are a pale grey and her eyes don't seem to be facing the same direction.

Derpy Hooves
Bits, bits for miserable filly
On a miserable chilly mornin'.

A young stallion who seems to be galloping in a hurry attempts to get past her, but she blocks him until he tosses a few bits to her.

Derpy Hooves: Why, thank ya, sir! Thank ya!

From her cloak, she randomly pulls out a crusty, old muffin and an envelope.

Derpy Hooves
Now how would you like a muffin?
Or maybe a little mail?
Perhaps a bit of both!
(pulls out a package with a picture of a muffin on it)
Wouldn't ya like a box of muffins!
It looks to me, dear,
You're lookin' hungry and a bit frail!

Panicking, the stallion gallops away, terrified by the beggar's insanity. She bursts into mad laughter.

Derpy Hooves
Bits, bits for a miserable filly...
(now pulls out a bowl of oatmeal)
Perhaps a bit of oatmeal...
(approaches the two to the left and points at Pinkie)

Derpy Hooves: Hey! Don't I know you miss?

Pinkie Pie: Huh. Maybe I-- wait a second.... Is that-- oatmeal!? Are you crazy!? Off with you!

Derpy Hooves
(pulls out the envelope and muffin again)
Then how would you like a muffin?
Miss, a little bit of mail?
A little...

Pinkie Pie: Off I say! To Discord with you!

Derpy Hooves
Bits, bits for a pitiful pony!

The mad beggar exits and Applejack steps up to Pinkie, making sure she is okay.

Applejack: Pardon me, ma'am, but there's no need to worry about the likes o' her. Just another derp-eyed beggar pony. Ponyville's full of 'em now! And they're pretty rude, too.

Pinkie Pie: Pretty rude? They sound dee-spicable! I wish Ponyville was how it used to be; so bright and full of life. (shakes herself out of a dream-like state) Forgive me.

Applejack: (assuredly) Nothin' ta forgive.

Pinkie Pie: Then so long, Applejack.

Applejack: Um, Ms. Pie. Before ya go...

Pinkie Pie: (suspiciously) Yyyeeeeeesssss?

Applejack: I know I said never to question you, and I've always honored that. What set ya lost in the Everfree Forest is your business. But over these past weeks, I've come to think of ya as a friend and if ya ever need food, shelter, or money...

Pinkie Pie: No!

Pinkie Pie
(she faces the audience)
There's a place in the world that is full of hate
And the worst of ponykind all congregate
And the chaos there not even Discord would sate
And it goes by the name of Ponyville.
At the top of the mountain sit the unicorns
Prodding the meek down below with their damned horns,
Changing kindness into cruelty.
(faces Applejack again)
I too have traveled Equestria, seen its wonders.
For the hatred of mares is as great as Canterlot,
But they're not quite like Ponyville...

Pinkie Pie: Whoops! Sorry about that, Applejack. I've been told I tend to break out in song. It seems happens on a whim.

Applejack: Like when?

Pinkie Pie: Like now...

Pinkie Pie
There was a baker and her friend
And she was so silly.
A foalish baker and her friend.
It seemed their friendship had no end
And she was so silly
And so spontaneous.
The baker was... naive.

There was another mare who saw
That she was so silly.
A zealous agent of the crown
Who sought to bring their whole world down
And sent the baker far away
While her sweet friend was forced to stay!
Then she would slip!
So sweet!
So bubbly!
So confused and oh so silly!

Applejack: I've heard many ponies have been forced to stop eating sweets. Was the friend one of those?

Pinkie Pie
(she stares off, saddened and distant)
Ah, that was far too long ago.
I don't think anypony would know.

Pinkie Pie: (faces Applejack again) Now, I really have to go, Applejack. I must leave for town, find out about my friend, unfortunately, alone.

Applejack: But we have to meet again, at least over an apple cider.

Pinkie Pie: Okie dokie Loki. Perhaps on Sweet Street...

The two nod at each other and Applejack departs to wander the town. Pinkie Pie smiles at her and keeps up the smile until Applejack exits. The smile quickly disappears and she sings to herself.

Pinkie Pie
There's a place in the world that is full of hate
Where none can escape a dark and gruesome fate
And the worst of ponykind all congregate...

She exits.

Exterior of a dress shop

Pinkie Pie enters the street from around a corner and stands in confusion before a dress shop that seems to occupy where her old sweet shop was. A single sign hangs at an angle from a post: Carousel Boutique. It seems to be quiet and devoid of shoppers, cast off as being run-down and useless. She chuckles at the sign, still finding some humor in it, and steps inside. Behind the counter is a focused, white unicorn at work sewing a tattered old dress. She doesn't even notice Pinkie until the bell above the door rings. She immediately perks up.

Rarity: (gasps) A customer!

Pinkie Pie attempts to quickly turn around

Whoa! Come on in,
Take a seat, please. (retrieves a ribbon while Pinkie sits)
I was afraid you-- (cuts the ribbon with scissors)
Were another beggar mare.
What're you doing sitting? Stand!
Stand on up, stand! (Pinkie stands)
I just mean to say
I haven't seen a customer for weeks.

Did you come in for a dress, miss?
(before Pinkie answers, Rarity wraps a tape measure around her)
Pardon me, my head's a little out of place. (gives a "huh" at he measurement)
Oh, forgive my pun,
But why the long face? (jumps behind the counter)
Not a single pony-- (retrieves a dress)
Wants my dresses. (slams it on the counter)
Eek! A moth! (a moth flies out of it)
My clothes used to be the best, miss! (she begins sewing ribbons on)
Ugh! (at a cockroach)
But not a pony even tries anything on
And I assure you that my shop here is no con.

(sweeps out from behind the counter with the dress)
(as she continues singing, she adds more ribbons and stitches some holes)

Although I can't really blame them.
These are probably the worst clothes in Ponyville.
I know why nopony dares to try them.
Why would they?
I sew them.
But well? (actually neighs) Nay!
The worst clothes in Ponyville.
Making these should be a sin!
The worst clothes in Ponyville.
If you dare to squeeze on in...

(hands the dress to Pinkie, who struggles to fit in it)

Isn't that restricting?
It probably itches.
It looks so constricting.
Just look at these stitches.
The worst clothes in Ponyville...

(as she continues, she pulls off the dress and begins cutting it into scraps)

No doubt about it, with the price of jewels,
Or fabric-- (cuts)
If you get them. (cuts)
Never-- (cuts)
Thought I'd see such travesty.
One would think ponies would
Be against-- (cuts)
Using-- (cuts)
Poor little creatures furs.

Ms. Moondancer has a dress shop.
Not too suspicious, ah, but here's a little spin:
Lots of animals are losing all their skin. (one big rip)
Can't deny it.
As long as no--
Pony knows,
Popping creatures into clothes.
None of that in my shop!
Although decent fabrics come at a high price
And, I'm telling you, those furs, they sure look nice.

(sits down, exhausted from scrapping the dress)

I can't believe I'm so pathetic.
Even more pathetic than the worst clothes in Ponyville.
But here there's not much more than
Cotton and fake gems,
All slap-dash and itchy.
It's filled with moth bite-holes
And feels like-- (rubs the cloth to her cheek)
Well, pity
A pony alone
With no one to see.
And the worst clothes in Ponyville! (tosses the dress into the air)
Ah, miss. I'm so pathetic.
I'm so pathetic! (spins around as she holds the last note)

Pinkie Pie starts to itch at her coat, irritated by the rough fabric. Rarity sighs and approaches her.

Rarity: Don't worry, darling. I still have some of the good soap. We'll wash that itch right out.

She leads Pinkie inside an interior door to take a bath.

Boutique interior

Pinkie Pie is laying on a sofa near the fire, wrapped in a blanket with her coat still a bit wet. Rarity enters from a back room, carrying a tray with two cups of hot chocolate on her back.

Rarity: There, now. Isn't that lovely? All warm and cozy by the fire. It looked like you hadn't had a decent grooming in ages, poor dear. (hands Pinkie a mug of hot chocolate, steam still rising from it)

Pinkie Pie: Thank you! (drinks the still-hot hot chocolate in a single gulp)

Rarity: Uh, right...

Pinkie Pie: So I noticed you have an abandoned bakery above your boutique here. Have you ever thought about maybe renting it out?

Rarity: (looks up) Oh, I've considered it alright. The only problem is no pony dares set hoof in there.

Pinkie Pie: Why ever not?

Rarity: (looks back to Pinkie and blows on her mug) Stories tell of some terrible tragedy happening up there. Some are true, some are false. (takes a sip) But I know the truth...

There was a baker and her friend
And she was so silly.
A master of all things dessert
'Til she was sent to the ends of the earth.
And she was so silly...

Rarity: Pie, her name was. Pinkamena Diane Pie.

Pinkie Pie: (chuckles nervously) Well, that's a coincidence. What was her crime?

Rarity: Foalishness.

Off to the side, a young-looking, white pegasus stands high in a window, trying to rock a yellow, baby pegasus to sleep. She seems to be worried and crying off to the side.

She had this friend, you see.
Crazy little dear,
Silly, little mare.
Had her chance to live life without fear.
Poor dear.
Poor dear.

The friend looks out the window and sees Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash standing below, waving at her. Twilight is holding balloons and grinning hopefully.

There was this wizard you see.
Wanted to be her pal.
She'd always send balloons and a cupcake.
But these cheerful gifts she would not take.
Simply waited up there with heartache.
So sad.
Pure dear.

So they went the baker to the forest, mining coal.
Leaving her with an empty house and a year-old foal.
Didn't even think what might become of her kind soul.
Poor foal.

The friend moves away from the window, crying even harder.

Ah, but there was worse yet to come.
Poor dear.

Rarity: Fluttershy, her name was. Pretty little Fluttershy.

Pinkie: Please continue!

Rarity: Ah, you do seem to enjoy a good story.

Rainbow Dash flies up to the window and knocks. The friend answers and the two begin mouthing a conversation.

Well, Rainbow calls on her all polite.
Poor dear, poor dear!
Much guilt has been felt by the judge Twilight.
She wants to explain it was not in spite.
She must come to the library tonight!
Poor dear! Poor dear!

Rainbow Dash and the friend fly off to the library. The scene changes to a masquerade party Judge Sparkle is throwing.

But once she arrives there,
Poor dear, poor dear,
There's a Ponyville ball with masks.

The party-goers actively dance around and unapologetically bump into her. She becomes more worried as the dance drags on.

She starts to crave candy,
Poor thing, poor dear.
The sweeties already went bye,
Poor dear.
Her pulse begins running too high,
Poor dear.
"Oh, where is Judge Sparkle," she asks...

Rainbow Dash leads her to the middle of the dance floor, where Twilight peers at her from behind a mask. She sneaks up from behind and takes off the mask.

She was there alright,
Only not without spite!

The friend screams in terror as ponies begin descending upon her and hold her down. She struggles desperately to escape and find something with sugar but she can't break free. Twilight comes forward with a cupcake and dangles it in front of the poor mare's face.

She couldn't stand up to this plan, you see,
And everyone was sugared up.
They held her back before she ran, you see!
The poor pegasus was driven crazy!

Poor foal!
Poor dear!

The friend cries out one last time as the lights fade on that side.

Pinkie Pie: (realizing who the victim is she stands up) NOOOOOOOO! Was there no mercy for her?

Rarity: So you are the baker... You're Pinkamena Diane Pie!

Pinkie Pie: Tell me! Tell me, where is my Ditzy!?

Rarity: I'm so sorry. She died of low blood sugar. I tried to bring her something to help her deal with the pain, but she'd barred the door and let herself die. And the wizard took the baby.

Pinkie Pie: The wizard? Judge Twilight Sparkle?

Rarity: Hoped to raise her to become the friend she never had.

Pinkie Pie: (stares into the fireplace) After fifteen years, all I wanted was to return my life. For everything to be back the way it was. But now it's all gone.

Rarity: Not quite all gone. You still have your shop. After all, Pinkamena, you--

Pinkie Pie: (turns to Rarity) No! Not Pinkamena. I'm Pinkie. Pinkie Pie, and no other. Although I will have my shop... and my revenge. My sweet, sweet revenge... (stares back into the fire) Judge Sparkle and Rainbow Dash will pay. They will pay with blood and end in fire. (turns back to Rarity, suddenly grimly cheerful) But, first, cupcakes!

Sweet shop interior

The room is dark.

Rarity: (off-stage) It'll be right this way, Ms. P. Just up these steps.

Rarity and Pinkie Pie enter. Rarity lights a match and, subsequently, a lamp that lights the whole room. The area is dusty and gray. Cobwebs cover all the corners, the kitchen and all the furniture are covered with sheets, and dust hangs in the air.

Rarity: Not to worry, dear. Surprising what a lick of paint will do, isn't it?

Pinkie Pie doesn't seem to notice her words. She stands in the doorway, seemingly unsure of whether or not to walk in.

Rarity: (goes over to Pinkie and takes her by the hoof) Oh, come on in.

While Pinkie looks about, Rarity lowers herself to the floor and begins lifting up a few of the boards with her unicorn magic. Dust is blown up as she lifts a large box from beneath them. She sets it on the floor and blows more dust off, then turns to Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie: Oh my gosh, I can't believe it!

Rarity: When the guards came to get the girl, I hid your baking tools. I was too generous at the time to just sell them. Figured you might come back some day looking for them.

Pinkie opens the box. Inside are a spoon, a knife, a whisk, other assorted baking tools, and... a hacksaw? She gazes longingly at each instrument before stroking them with her hooves.

Rarity: Wait a moment... Is that-- Is that silver?

Pinkie Pie: Silver. Yes...

Rarity: (to herself) Huh. Never noticed that before. Perhaps I would've been better off selling them.

Pinkie Pie
These are my pals.
Safe in my kitchen. (picks up a butter knife)
Just see how clean,
Not one speck of dust.
My pals,
My cheerful pals... (holds the edge to her ear)

Laugh with me pal.
Giggle. I'll join you.
I know, I know.
Left without sweets
All these years
Like me, my pal!
Well, now I'm back
And I'm so happy!
Where I can bake...
And we'll have parties,
Won't we...?
(returns the butter knife and retrieves a bread knife)

Pinkie Pie / Rarity
I'm here, my pal. / I'm your pal too, Pinkie Pie.
Never you worry. / Right here in front of you, Pinkie Pie.
Now, with a smile / Ugh, Pinkie Pie,
You belong / You belong
In my hoof. / Outside.
My pal, / You should go.
My tricky pal... / Do you know you're talking to baking tools?
(Pinkie puts the bread knife back)

Sleep now, my pals. / Well, never you fear, Pinkie Pie.
Soon you'll bake with me. / You can at least have dinner here,.
Soon we'll bake wonders / Pinkie Pie. Wonders
You never have tasted / You never have tasted
Before, / Will be yours!
My lucky pals! / I'm your pal!
'Til now your flavor's / And you're mine! They look kind of creepy.
Been mere vanilla. / How do you even use a saw to bake?

Pinkie Pie
You shall drip cherry.
You'll soon drip yummy

Pinkie leans down to her utensils, closes her eyes, and smiles gently at them.

Pinkie Pie: (without turning around) Now, leave me.

Rarity leaves and Pinkie picks up the strangest utensil of all: the hacksaw. She slowly rises and faces the audience, a new fire in her eyes.

Pinkie Pie: At last! My hoof is complete again...

The ghost chorus re-enters on both sides and both them and the organ slowly explode into the same dark tune as the beginning, but slower and more foreboding.

Ghost Chorus
Raise your hacksaw high!
Pinkie, hold it to the sky!
Slash right through the skin and bones of

Pinkie glances quickly from side to side, then exits the sweet shop.

Doctor Whooves
Her smile was dark, her laughter mad.

Cheerilee and Octavia
She seldom cried, but was often sad.

Big Macintosh
She'd seen how civilized ponies behave.
She never forgot and she never forgave.

Ghost Chorus
Not Pinkie...
Not Pinkie Pie...
The spastic baker of Sweet Street.