A human meets the ponies on earth who need a way back home- will they make it? Read and find out. Please R&R.
Thank you toXxEpsilonxX for his continued support!
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- Member Since 30th Dec, 2013
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The Infinity Doctor
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The Infinity Doctor
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I'm enjoying the story so far, keep up the good work!!! I love the characters and am looking foreword to more chapters In the future! So far you have an engaging story and I WANT TO READ MORE!
Now comes the critique........
Your story needs better pacing!
That's it.
To me it seems like you chose scenes from a bigger story and condensed it into this one. You need to flesh out this one chapter into, at the very LEAST, THREE CHAPTERS!!!!! And I'm not talking about just cutting this up into three 4,000 word chapters....... I mean you need at least THREE TO SIX CHAPTERS THE SAME LENGTH AS THIS ONE. I would even suggest making this into its own short story to preclude the larger one once he is in equestria.........
There is WAY too much going on here for a single chapter and it comes across as an extremely jarring read.
I know you want to get your character to equestria as fast as possible so that you can get to the real "meat and potatoes" of your story, yet, if you really want this story to work....... You need to let your readers experience these events and not just list them through small scenes so the reader knows what happens. Let me list a few of the things that were EXTREMLY JARRING and actually made me stop reading for a few seconds just so I could get over the "slap to face with logic" that my brain hit me with while reading your story:
No one falls in love with another species in ONE DAY. Give it at LEAST a week if not a month.
No one learns how to use BRAND NEW LIMBS (wings) in about 10 'MINUTES'!
If someone knows everything about you and all your friends...... Wouldn't you ASK WHY HE KNOWS THESE THINGS?!
You contradicted yourself I the story by having Rainbow Dash say the clouds were too thin to work with and then have your character SITTING ON THEM in the next scene.
These were just a few of the things that kept me from truly immersing myself in your fiction. If you could fix the pacing and the few scenes I mentioned then you will have an IMPRESSIVE story that I will follow until its completion!!! I will still follow and up vote this story so that others may read it........ However, I will save the favorite for when you story truly SHINES!!!
3845437 Thank you for your interest!
You brought up several good points that will help me improve my writing, maybe I didn't make this clear in the story, but Amethyst just likes him- but he isn't sure if he likes her back; just thought I'd make that clear
And then he painted the TARDIS and went time traveling
3852254 Are you freaking psychic?
I was planning to include the Doctor later
Ah it's good to see Who Framed Roger Rabbit hasn't been forgotten. I'm really enjoying the story so far keep up the good work.
3859304 If you're a fan of WFRR, check out my other story - Five Shooting Stars.
3859321
Will do I just got to get through a long list of stories I am currently reading first.
So far I've enjoyed the first chapter. The only persisting problem is that I keep getting lots on who is peaking when. I could be thinking that one character said this, but instead it was the other who spoke. Using possessive words after dialogue (him, her, she, he) keeps others knowing who is speaking when. Using their name as well works fine.
All in all, I'm enjoying the story. Hopefully I've helped some.
Fellclaw
3870894 Yes, thank you for your input-
I hope you continue to enjoy the story
is the Doctor companionless or has Derpy?
3873387 We'll just have to find out, won't we?
3874662 Indeed we shall
Oh poo
. RUN FOR IT LIMEY!
3881479 Don't worry, no gore...she'll get through it in one piece
...I think...
pretty good so far, things are starting to get really weird with all those crossovers with Anthro,Disney, and other various things
3881491 Oh, you have no idea
But I love having my riffle not on safety
3892115 I put that in there as a joke, most people really don't like alicorns.
3892124 I know that you did so I replied with a SIMILAR joke
I like your story so far but its too fast paced and there isn't enought description. Also, was Pinkie there because you never acknowledged whether she was there or not and who exactly was in Jonas' house. However, the story's coming along pretty nicely. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
I like where this is going but we need a little more development with the drawn ponies. What do they like, what do they dislike etc.
Great story, just don't abuse Jonas' powers or he'll end up too OP. By the way, where does the name Jonas come from?
The irony of this story was that just a couple o f chapters I was going to mention how Jonas' powers remind me of Epic Mickey. Great game by the way.
3915547 Eeyup
That game and its sequel are one of my favorites
I don't mean to rant but, seriously what's up with Jonas? IM not being a hater but it's a bit strange that he can somehow make characters into life, not saying I have a problem with the whole idea, but that quick with a sentence? DUDE! what's up.with that? And I probably skin through it but how in the name of insanity did hegot a house so quick? I thought it took days or a month or two to get all the supplies. Again not try to be a hater but there just plot holes as far as I can see them.
3916247 I know...
Well worth the read!
3955201 You can read really quick!
Ok this is just plain fun!
Have this;
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/11/446425__safe_twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_applejack_princess+celestia_screencap_text_image+macro.png
Ah...so sweet.
(Yet the climax has only just begun...ah heheheh)! 
Before I begin, you should know that I like to write my reviews for stories as I read them. Mostly so I don't forget to mention anything along the way. That’s why my comment covers the events of the story in chronological order.
I was a bit surprised to see that the first character to arrive from the MLP universe was not one of the Mane 6, but a Diamond Dog! Most other people don’t even mention the Diamond Dogs anymore, let alone bring them into the human world. That’s certainly original, so I applaud you for that. Original ideas can often lead to good things.
Jonas seemed to take Amethyst Shard’s arrival rather well. Granted, if any of the characters from the show were to materialize in front of us, some of us may react in shock, but I’d wager that most of us would be amazed to some degree. Still, it’s a little peculiar that Jonas became so accustomed to Amethyst Shard’s presence so quickly.
Amethyst Shard’s reaction to the car was rather amusing. I sometimes like to imagine how the characters of the show would react if they ever encountered manmade technology. The way it would fascinate them just fascinates me. I’m sure you understand what I mean.
I also like how Amethyst was much more frightened of Jonas than he was of her. In all honesty, if we were to ever encounter a character from the show in real life, they would probably freak out first. After all, we know loads about them, but they would be totally unfamiliar with us!
“‘If Discord’s here too, I’m screwed.’” That line was hilarious, yet undeniably true. If Discord arrived on Earth, we’d all be royally screwed. But at least Discord wouldn’t mistake humans for monsters. Unlike a certain trio of fillies. I’d say you accurately portrayed the CMC as the adorable yet ignorant foals they are.
It took me a moment to realize you shifted between first- and third-person narratives. I suppose the huge “XXXXX” should have given it away. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind from now on.
I like how you brought in many the characters at once, and didn’t have Jonas encounter them one-by-one. A group introduction is much better than several individual introductions, and is far less tedious and time-consuming. Also, I couldn’t help but scoff at the way Jonas left Twilight Sparkle speechless. He must have freaked her out.
Speaking of freaking out, Twilight’s reaction to seeing the bookcase was comical, but a little odd for her character. I don’t know if Twilight would become that elated to seeing books and make a grab for them. But you made me laugh, so it’s forgivable.
I was rather surprised when Twilight mentioned that law about what happens to captured diamond dogs. That almost sounded like the Equestrian equivalent of racial profiling. I personally can’t imagine Celestia or Luna ever issuing such a decree. Sure, the Diamond Dogs may be greedy treasure hunters, but that’s not enough to warrant the persecution of their entire race.
All that said, I had to smirk when Jonas pulled that “Posse Comitatus” stunt on Twilight and openly contradicted her on her right to arrest Amethyst Shard. I have a great appreciation for MLP fanfics that try to insert more political material into the storyline.
Well, it looks as though Jonas is stuck with seven ponies, a dragon, and a diamond dog as house guests for the next twelve months. He must have many mixed emotions about that prospect. I’m glad he at least seems to be on good terms with Amethyst Shard. That’s a promising sign of hope.
I’m also glad to see that the ponies and Spike are already fairly comfortable around Jonas, too. A lot of “HiE” fanfics have a few rather unnecessary chapters where the ponies are suspicious of the human characters and take a while to warm up to them. Thank you for sparing us that mundane interval of mistrust.
Truth be told, I would have been alright if the number of Jonas’ “unexpected” visitors was kept at nine. After all, five of the first seven ponies are amongst my personal top ten favorite characters in the show, including my choice for best pony (Applejack). I found it somewhat perplexing that Twilight would decide to summon the other Element bearers without much thought beforehand. I understand why she would want to have the Mane 6 together, but she must have known that the spell was a one-way ticket to Earth and that she would be stranding them there, too. Also, wouldn’t she consider the possibility that back home, all their families would be worried about them? Granny Smith must be frantic, now that all three of her grandchildren are missing. Now Rarity and Sweetie Belle’s parents must be going through the same thing. Oh, well; maybe this turns out to be a good thing in the long run. I’ll read the rest of the chapter and rethink my position along the way.
Yeah, considering how “unreceptive” Rainbow Dash is behaving, I’m pretty certain bringing her along was a bad idea. If any of them is going to be a rival of Jonas, it will most likely be her. I like the irony in that Amethyst Shard appears to be the only definite ally Jonas has amongst the group. Maybe the two of them will be able to help each other become better-acquainted with the ponies and Spike.
I appreciate that you did not dwell on the possible future of the bond between Jonas and Amethyst Star for too long. While I like to see what kind of relationship could be developed between humans and sentient animals, I usually draw the line at the point when their involvement becomes more than just friendly.
Then again, this transformation spell of Twilight’s may be beneficial. I see it works by the standards of Equestria Girls (ponies and diamond dogs become human, dragons become dogs, etc.). I assume that the characters now have human skin and hair colors. I noticed that Jonas seemed totally calm with the transformation spell after Twilight’s first demonstration. I hope the spell automatically adds some clothes. If not… Jonas must be one “casual” guy.
This plan to hide the characters from Sara and her children could have had a little more effort put into it. After all, it isn’t easy to conceal eleven ponies and a dragon in a single room. In all honesty, I don’t think it was really necessary to hide them in the first place. After all, Twilight could have just used the spell on all of them, and they could have claimed they were having a party or passing through the area. Oh, well; to be fair, they didn’t have a lot of time to compose a very methodical plan.
Erica: “‘The character, from My Little Pony.” Jack: “‘That junk you watch?’” Clearly, Jack is a closet Brony. While the children’s first meeting with Amethyst did not go well, it was much better than Amy’s first encounter with their mother. I was totally expecting her to fly off the handle. But I’m very pleased her kids were able to calm her down. It’s not often that children are able to talk sense into their parents.
In most circumstances, an adult can be trusted to keep a bit of news secret while a child cannot. But this is one situation where I feel the roles are reversed. I believe that Erica and Jack can stay quiet about their uncle’s guests. They are young and innocent; I’m certain they understand the uniqueness of what they have discovered. On the other hand, Sara is the one I fear might not be trustworthy enough to keep the secret. She may report the ponies to the government or something like that. Let’s just hope she respects her brother enough to stay quiet.
The part when Jonas just spontaneously grew wings was… unforeseen, to say the least. Not to mention somewhat unsettling. I hope those wings won’t stay forever. Humans transforming into ponies is something I can tolerate, but partial transformation… I don’t like it. It’s very disturbing and bizarre.
All the same, I found it amusing that Jonas was able to produce a Sonic Rainboom of his own. You would probably call it something different like a Sonic Joe-boom or something else. He seemed like a fairly decent flier for someone who JUST got his wings. I guess he’s an even quicker learner than Rainbow Dash.
Dammit, Jonas; he just HAD to get his face on the news. I have a very dismal feeling that this will gradually get worse for Jonas and his guests. Let’s hope the government won’t be able to trace the Rainboom back to them. I don’t think that’s likely though. Worst thing that could happen is that they could identify Jonas through facial recognition. Seeing as how the video footage was not taken by a professional, that seems unlikely.
I liked the short section with Cadence and Shining Armor. As I suspected, the families of the missing ponies are concerned for their well-being whereabouts. That’s good… and bad. Hopefully they won’t have to wait a whole year to be reunited. I can only imagine what Celestia and Shining Armor are going through; both of them are missing a younger sister. I’d be worried about my own younger sister if she disappeared, too.
Oh, well; I suppose there’s some saving grace in the fact that Jonas and Rainbow Dash may be able to get everypony home to Equestria safely. I admire Jonas’ willingness to cooperate to the full degree. While I’d wager that the vast majority of the Brony fandom would do anything to visit Equestria for just a day (I’m in that majority), it still can’t be easy to say good-bye to one’s loved ones and disappear like that. It’s also good that Sara, Jack, and Erica seem alright with this proposal.
I bet Scootaloo’s going to raise hell (or raise Tartarus) about Rainbow’s injury. I’m guessing she and Jonas aren’t going to get along for a while. But hopefully, that won’t stand in the way of the plan to return home.
Overall, this was a great chapter. However, sometimes it was difficult to tell who was speaking, as very few of the sentences in quotation marks identified the speaker. Also, the last third of the chapter seemed a little hastily written. One moment, Jonas sprouted wings. The next, he was racing Rainbow Dash. The very next, they have a plan to return to Equestria. My advice would be to slow down the pace in future chapters.
Still, this was an excellent read. I’ll move on to the next chapter soon.
4543354 I wish I could upvote that more than once
You're an excellent reveiwer...
This chapter was pretty good, despite being “unedited.”
It was a relief to see that Rainbow Dash recovered from her injury so quickly. Not just because I hate to see any of the Mane 6 suffer, but also because without her speed, they wouldn’t be able to create a Sonic Boom powerful enough to penetrate the dimensional rift between Earth and Equestria. Now that she’s back up on her hooves, that problem seemed to remedy itself.
On the subject of self-correcting problems… I felt the tension between Jonas and Scootaloo could have been executed a little better. I’m not really disappointed, but seeing as how the last chapter ended on the note that the Pegasus filly and the main human character did not seem fond of each other, I was left assuming that their angst would play a bigger role. But I suppose you can only have so much story going on.
Jonas must have rather dismal luck. Out of all the people in the group who could have crashed in Canterlot, it had to be the one who’s a foreigner to the land. Let’s just hope the Royal Guard were not too rough on him; otherwise, he may come to regret sending himself to Equestria.
I couldn’t help but burst out laughing when Pinkie blurted out “Cupcakes” during the reunion bit. That actually sounds like something she would do. That’s what makes it so funny.
I’m getting the feeling that Shining Armor and Jonas aren’t really going to get along while the latter’s in Equestria. Mostly because they got off to a pretty… unpleasant start. If he’s lucky, maybe Twilight will be able to persuade her brother to cut Jonas some slack.
Ho, boy; Jonas’ meeting with Celestia could have gone better. If I were in his place, I would have spoken with a little more tact and respect. After all, I’d virtually be speaking to the supreme leader of the land! Coming off as offensive or indiscreet would be extraordinarily bad. I suppose he’s just lucky that Celestia has a sense of humor. If not… well, there’s always plenty of space on the moon.
I’m still not certain if I should regard Jonas’ ability to give life to his drawings is a blessing or a curse. On the upside, all the characters he has created so far seem relatively amiable. On the downside, there’s still a possibility that he may give life to a more sinister being who is more bloodthirsty, destructive, and merciless in nature. I’d cringe to think of what might result if THAT happened.
On a separate note, Princess Celestia’s dialogue seems a little informal at times. I know she can be fairly straightforward with her subjects, but I would assume she’d try to come off as more strict and authoritative to strangers such as Jonas. That way she’d be able to more firmly establish her position on the throne.
The bit between Jonas and Toxic Waste was actually kind of touching, and even a little thought-provoking. I suppose that from a certain perspective, Jonas really did father the young colt and the other characters from his drawings. He did give them all life, after all. I really liked that notion.
It would appear that the other ponies in Ponyville and Canterlot will need some time to get accustomed to Jonas’ presence. I suppose they can’t be blamed too much, but still; I would have expected them to be a touch more tolerant. Then again, everybody (or everypony) may react differently to the unknown. Some with fear, some with hatred, some with acceptance, some with openness.
I would not have advised sleeping out in the open where everypony could see him. After all, he’d just end up scaring the living daylights out of people. Not recommendable. Unless, of course, that actually was Jonas’ intent.
It’s always nice to have more Applejack. You can never have too much of her. It’d be interesting to see how Red Gala would get along with the other members of the Apple Family. I’d be surprised if Granny Smith won’t at least give her a chance. After all, the family’s enterprise is an honest business run by honest ponies who believe in a code of honor.
Poor Toxic Waste. He must have been traumatized by the idea that he was just a figment of another person's imagination. I was worried for him when he ran off. But at least Jonas managed to find him before harm came to him. I'm glad the hostility seems to have died down.
I was WONDERING what happened to Amethyst Shard. I assume we'll soon find out where she's been these past few days since returning to Equestria. Case in point, what these "loose ends" were.
Now we're left on a bit of a cliffhanger and an instance of breaking the fourth wall. What, oh what could Jonas and Feedback be up to?
I look forward to finding out...
I will admit this chapter seemed somewhat rushed, but it was still articulate and understandable. Just keep a steady pace and you'll do fine. All-in-all, good work.
I’m guessing Jonas has a bit of a sadistic sense of humor. After all, he’s created his own version of Toon Town in his house, and he doesn’t even bother to put a lock of any sort on the entrance! He’s just ASKING for some innocent naïve bystander to wander along and enter this world of mischief. If that’s actually his intent, I have to admit it’s pretty clever.
I thought the name of Berry Punch’s daughter was Ruby Pinch, not Berry Pinch. It’s already easy enough to confuse them if they DON’T share the same first name.
I really like this version of Toon Town. While I’m typically not very fond of surreal landscapes and stories, there are times when the vast unknown can really pique my curiosity. The idea of Jonas being able to give birth to an entire civilization through his imagination is nothing short of extraordinary. He must be proud of his ability, as well as the fundamental impact it may have on life in Equestria.
I suspected that this was a spoof of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” Once you mentioned the infamous “dip,” my suspicions were verified. Seeing as how Dip is as fatal to toons as fluoroantimonic acid is to us humans, I can hardly blame the residents of that world for being terrified at the mere mention of it. Count on Rainbow Dash to be the only one dumb enough to ask such a foolish question like that in public.
You’d think Feedback, Toxic, Jack, and the others would have been able to forge something a little less hazardous than dip to help them create and expand their world. Then again, considering how they don’t have unlimited resources at their disposal (despite having seemingly infinite space and options), I suppose there’s only so much their collective minds could come up with.
I have a bad feeling that the sample of dip Twilight took will produce dire repercussions in some way. Somepony with a bigotry towards toons will probably steal it and use it as a weapon against the town. That’s just my theory. It could be possible that nothing bad happens and I’m just overthinking the situation.
I thought the scene where Blizzard inexplicably appeared in Canterlot Castle was amusing. Poor Luna, though; even the Royal Guard haven’t become fully accustomed to her presence yet. At least her new young friends seem to appreciate her company. If she cannot attain universal love in Equestria, she may have a fair bit of luck in Toon Town!
The most amusing part of the chapter was probably when Jonas dropped Buzzer off at the Berry household. I love how Berry Punch did not react in a surprised manner AT ALL to the presence of the human/gargoyle or the half-pony/half-bee. Instead, she just casually dismissed them as some type of nonsensical thing. She must have been like “I’m drunker than I thought!” LOL
So conventions really do exist in this universe? That’s funny. I had my suspicions about that with “Three’s A Crowd.” That’s probably why you added in that remark about how Toxic is probably going to turn out like Twilight. Or seeing as how this was probably written long before Season 4, maybe it’s another episode I’m thinking of… Oh, well; it’ll probably come back to me later.
Wow, that chemical spill was something I definitely did not see coming. I was surprised that two stallions who claimed to be experts on those sorts of things could have allowed that to happen. Then again, that's what they get for mixing and carrying chemicals in a public area. At least Toxic wasn't harmed. But he has a biohazard symbol for a cutie mark? That sounds extraordinary unsettling... Maybe he'll patent the first plutonium in Equestria. Or devise the atom bomb. I just hope he won't end up generating a nuclear holocaust. Otherwise everypony in Equestria is done for...
Excellent chapter. It had better pacing than the previous one, but I'm noticing a lack of Amethyst Shard. Hope to see her again soon; I was liking her persona. She really gives light to the diamond dogs as an intelligent race.
Alright, I've read this next chapter; now to review it
I'm guessing the inhabitants of Equestria are unfamiliar or foreign to the biohazard symbol and its implications. I base that theory primarily on how Fluttershy reacted in happiness when Jonas showed her that Toxic had that symbol for his cutie mark. It's understandable that she would be glad that a colt or filly received his or her cutie mark in general, but only if it conveyed a positive or neutral connotation. Say, for instance, if Toxic had a poison symbol or the word "hazardous" imprinted on his flank, I'm certain Fluttershy would have reacted in shock.
Oh well; just a thought. At any rate, it's good to see that Jonas and his creations have made some progress with incorporating themselves into Ponyville's population. Berry Pinch (or Ruby Pinch, as I know her) and Buzzy seem to be getting along famously. I hope nothing that could change or complicate that relationship happens too soon.
I like how you have your Jack Skellington OC mingle with Luna. In my mind, it's strangely fitting. After all, the actual Jack Skellington is king of Halloweentown, and Luna is the Princess of the Night. They're both royalty, and they're both fond of the dark. Wonder what else they could have in common.
I must say; it was a clever twist to slip Nyx into this thing. If there's one scenario where it would make sense for her to appear, it would be this one; where anything and anypony can be created out of nowhere. I can only imagine what was going through Twilight's mind when she first encountered the little filly. She must have been confused as Tartarus.
Still, while Twilight's disdain for Nightmare Moon in any form is justifiable, I would have expected her to have the decency not to go on a heated rant about the subject when Nyx was standing TWO METERS AWAY FROM HER. I mean, other than Fluttershy, Twilight is normally the most tolerant and accepting member of the Mane 6. Then again, we're all capable of holding a grudge towards somebody. Plus, Twilight DID side with Applejack during "Bats," so even she could have some prejudices.
I suspected that some trouble would result of Jonas' powers, but it wasn't expecting Shining Armor and an entire legion of the Royal Guard to arrest them. On that subject, when the group was being escorted out of the house, were the cameras used by the surrounding ponies normal cameras or video cameras? I know that motion pictures and the printing press exist in Gen 4, but I'm not certain if televised news reports exist. I'm going to assume they were just plain cameras instead of camcorders.
I have a feeling this trial might not go so well. Or it may, depending on which Twilight Sparkle can get Luna and Celestia to hear her out. Hopefully Nyx and the others actually stand a chance of being exonerated. I'd better read on to find out...
Very fine chapter overall, especially with regards to how the relationships between certain characters are developing (most notably Jonas and Amethyst, as well as Jonas and Toxic).
4700757 The cameras weren't motion cameras, they only took pictures.
Sorry I didn't review this chapter sooner. I've actually never read "Past Sins" (even though it's one of those MLP fanfics you'd expect every Brony to have read. Fanfics like Cupcakes and My Little Dashie (both of which I HAVE read)). You see, I spent a while debating whether or not I should actually read Past Sins before I read this chapter. Ultimately, I decided it would probably take too long. So I just went ahead and read this. Given the premise of Past Sins, I think I was able to fill in the blanks well enough on my own.
While the idea of putting a bow in Twilight's mane was actually kind of cute, I have to agree with Rarity; most of the time, lavender, purple, and green don't clash very well. Unless it's Mardi Gras, of course. I would what the actual Twilight was thinking when Nyx's mother took the stand. I'm certain she was confused enough that she had a doppelganger, but I bet what REALLY perplexed her was that when the other Twilight Sparkle spoke in court, she was essentially testifying against herself! How extraordinarily odd.
This Unara character is rather... intriguing, for lack of a better term. Due to her eccentric demeanor, I'm inclined to imagine Princess Luna if she started behaving like Pinkie Pie. Luna must have been even more bewildered. But at least nopony went mad during that court hearing, despite the fact it went on for several "excruciating hours." In fact, maybe that was part of the reason why it was concluded; Celestia and Luna were on the verge of breaking down from all the confusion, so they decided to let the defendants go free. If so, that just makes it all the more amusing!
With regards to these references... well, there was the obvious Doctor Whooves appearance near the end. Always interesting to see people slip him in somehow. Especially when he's not the main focus of the story. There are a few others, such as the mention of Walt Disney and Rarity taking in a protégé (which has been done before in various ways). I'm certain I must have missed a couple, but all-in-all, the ones I did get were really clever.
Glad the court case went well. It's also a pleasure to see that the townsfolk in Ponyville and Canterlot are becoming more accustomed to the presence of Jonas and his creations. Maybe in time, the two civilizations will be able to mingle together as a single culture.
Nice job on this chapter. I shall read the next one soon!
Modern English, do you speak it Luna?
When's the next update?