• Member Since 5th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday

JawJoe


I am a mighty thesaurus. Rawr! Also I have a website now, check me out!

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I don't see what all the fuss about death is. Our princesses have been dodging it for over a thousand years. Who's to say Sweetie and I can't experiment a little? No, don't be ridiculous, zombies don't exist. Not yet, anyway.


[As seen on Equestria Daily.]

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 176 )

So... Dash is competent enough to assist Twilight in making potions... but incompetent enough to make a mistake as stupid as confusing boiled parasprites with jellied manticore venom extract?

Hmm, plot-convenient retardation is plot-convenient... But I'm sure this will make the box, because who cares if characters are, you know... in character, right? Zombies and gore!!!

4923691 Maybe it's just my particular experience, but that lab accident didn't seem very far-fetched to me. Rookies in the lab make stupid mistakes all the time, and if you want to make sure things like that don't happen, you need to really beat safety into the heads of newbie lab techs. And given that Twilight was enthusiastically talking about how she hadn't slept for days, she obviously wasn't that safety-conscious either.

Unfortunately, Twilight's death was very much a team effort (or lack thereof). You don't do human (or pony in this case) testing until you're sure it's not going to kill your test subjects; that's what mice and other small animals are for.

4923779

Well, that just pints to why she had Dash help her in the first place? I mean, why not Spike? He helps her out all the time, and he's more likely to keep her in check than someone who has literally no lab experience. Or hell, pretty much any of her friends would be better suited, except for Pinkie. But, it's Dash because... well, the plot requires it.

4923790 Spike would be just as likely to make that mistake, if not worse. Every time (well, I haven't seen any of season 4, so I can't say about that) Twilight is shown doing "science," she's very blase about any kind of protocol or safety practice. She uses Spike as a live testing dummy and live-fires Starswirl's unfinished spell without the slightest idea what it's supposed to do.

Spike doesn't ever object or try to reign her in when she's doing this despite the fact that it's wildly irresponsible and potentially dangerous; and I'd guess that it's because he's been brought up around Twilight's cavalier attitude.

Honestly, I'd want Rarity as a lab tech more than anybody else, she's meticulous and fussy, which is exactly what you want for that kind of thing, but I don't think you'd be able to get her to sign up for it.

Hopefully this ends well, but honestly with Rainbow Dash & Sweetie Belle on the case I'm not quuuiiite sure this will end good, an Apocalypse Class 3a event seems to be very likely to happen in this story, but if your previous story Night Shifts plot is similar to this one it's going to be a wild ride. :rainbowdetermined2:


Signed,
--Pyro The Thrill Seeking Reader

4923691 I agree, making a mistake like dropping a beaker is different from not reading a label properly, that was an idiot ball moment if I ever did see one, Rainbow herself said she was working with Twilight for weeks, she should know the ramifications of not using the proper ingredients and should have read instead of looked when she picked it up.

4924184 I wouldn't say so. I've been hard headed enough to do a lab and remember to tilt my test tube away from people when over a Bunsen burner but forget to take out the thermometer while writing a result. Thankfully I did remember the former or I would have had very painful and scarring results for my face. In the heat of the moment or having done something time and time again, you do get careless.

4924169
Now, this one is smaller in scope than Night Shift. But hopefully just as fun. :raritywink:

Feels like the start of a horror movie. :rainbowkiss:

I can't help but notice no tragedy tag on this...kinda gives hope for a good resolution and a fun discovery at the end.

Oh dear. :fluttercry: Save her, dashie! :pinkiesad2:

Here, have a theme song! I think this one's appropriate for this story:

This story making dash an idiot just shouts out
PLOT CONVESIENCE
Having the character be in character and try make things interesting, fuck that shit, let's make another bloody gore fic with plenty of OOC moments that will get featured like all the generic bullcrap that does, because blood and guts:ajbemused:

I don't believe I have seen Dashie as an amateur scientist before. I look forward to the next chapter.

Now, before I read this, does this have anything to do with Herbert West - Reanimator? (Otherwise known as ReAnimator. In movie form, at least) I ask because that's one of my favorite Lovecraft stories. (Assuming you haven't said anything about this, of course. If you have, let me know.)

4925378
Nothing to do with Lovecraft's original work (thus far) beyond a dash of mad science. It's closer to the movie Re-Animator. Or Bride of Re-Animator, actually.
RD is no Herbert West, though. We'll see if Sweetie pulls off Dan Cain.

Hey, JawJoe, any reason this wasn't split into two chapters? Given the whole title section stuck smack in the middle, it really should be.

4925051 Alright not to be a dick or anything, but to start you've made a typo in your comment that you've put in caps lock, so I'd feel bad if I didn't say that the word is spelled "convenience".

As for the substance of your comment, I would hardly see Dash as OOC here. She's an athlete, and athletes tend to think and act fast instead of being slow and deliberate with their actions, which is necessary in scientific studies. Mind you that I'm a Division 2 student athlete on a full ride who's majoring in Sport Management, not just some high school kid who ran a year of cross country talking here. I've known a lot of people like Rainbow Dash, and I think that the characterization here isn't too far off the mark.

Most athletes are mentally wired to act on instinct, as that's what pretty much every sport requires you to do. Athletes train their bodies constantly to try and make specific actions become instinct, most everything is learned through trial and error when you're always acting on instinct. As an athlete you spend your whole life learning by looking back at what you just did wrong, instead of studying on exactly what you were supposed to do in the first place. This method of learning new skill sets is great if you want to become a better athlete, but is a horrible trait for a lab assistant.

Rainbow Dash made the typical mistake of acting without thinking in this chapter. Except this wasn't a situation for trial and error, something bad happened because Dash messed up, and now she's setting off to make it right, finding out how to reanimate ponies through trial and error.

I'd call that fairly in character for a story like this.

I like this story a lot, because instead of taking itself more serious than it is, it embraces its campiness and runs with it in good fashion. As a fan of these kinds of stories, I'm impressed with what I've seen so far.

Erm...wow. I think I'm hooked now. And I don't even like zombie fics. :twilightoops:

I would like to say a few things, though: I don't think that what others have pointed out as being OOC is what's OOC here. I don't think that Rainbow Dash's use of the wrong ingredient is that out of place. I may never have been in any situation as serous as Dash and Twilight were in, but I do know that I've screwed up ~every time I thought I knew what I was doing and didn't triple check myself--particularly when I just did the same thing several times in a row. It happens, and I can believe it happening at just the wrong time.

However, I do think that there was a bit of OOC here and there. I didn't see much of a problem with RD's actions, but I do think the narration blipped in and out of character, particularly in the beginning of the opener. There was also a bit of wavering in the second section, but I'd be hard pressed to point any of it out. I did like the sections of short sentence clusters, though. I thought the point-to-point feeling of them meshed well with Rainbow Dash's character, but that may be me stereotyping.

Snarling, gurgling, and drooling bloody saliva – oh look, the body's producing saliva – the stallion charged at me again.

My favorite line in this chapter. I honestly felt this is where Rainbow Dash was clicking solidly onto Twilight's level, even for just a small instance, as a function of decisive character growth. The same could obviously be said about Dash being more careful, but I'd like to make the argument that seeing one character's traits rub off onto another due to a close relationship / working closely together is more satisfying than a character learning something simply through blunt trauma.

Aside from that, I did feel there were a few soft spots in the story itself:

“Say,” Twilight said, “would you finish this for me?” The tome Twilight wrote in earlier slid across the desk, turning to Rainbow. The ink, and the quill in it, also floated over to her side. “I apologise,” Twilight continued. “I'm just too excited. And tired, obviously. Hooves are shaking. Might mess it up. You can handle this, can't you?”

You tell flimsy fibs, Twilight. You should take lessons from the Night Shift again. :trixieshiftleft: Red text for my main problem with Twilight's statement, blue text for what I take as a derivative problem.

“I remember,” Rainbow said, waving a hoof dismissively. “The second commandment of thermos-dynamics, you've told me all about it. But what about Celestia? She doesn't die. And you just said that you might be like her, too. How do you explain that?”

I have complete confidence that Rainbow would butcher this somehow. This may be more of me stereotyping here, so this critcism obviously does not hold much weight.

I have to admit, I think Twilight's death scene felt a bit...flimsy, I'm sorry to say.

“No. And I don't feel any more awake, either.”

I feel this is a pinpoint of intensity, a nice wake-up snap. There's the tiniest twinge in my heart when I read it. After this, though, I think the scene feels kind of mild?

“I'd say you have about two minutes,” Twilight said. She bit her lips, suppressing a cry of pain.

I don't know why, but when I read this peace in-context, it feels really meh.

Twilight opened her mouth, but only a pained groan came out. She banged her hoof on the desk three times, then stopped.

I feel the scene escalates slightly in severity here and maintains it, at least until...

Slouching in her chair, Twilight put her hooves on her stomach. Her hind legs stomped madly on the floor.

I'm sorry, but this makes me think of a filly having a stomachache. Granted, I've never been in Twilight's position, so this may just be me being a jerk. After this part, I feel as though things kind of fragmented. It felt odd to read that Dash felt the glass slip after it burned her hooves; I believe it would have sounded better to just say she dropped it. I also felt there was a missing transition between their eyes meeting and Twilight screaming and falling out of the chair, but I could be wrong on that one too. I think having more descriptions of Twilight's facial features during the experiment reaction would be vastly appreciable, though. I understand that Spike cut off the emotional flow we would have seen from Rainbow Dash, but it almost feels like the area with the magi-tech machine got more description. :ajsleepy:

Moving on:

I then located the magical-analytical machine that hid the closet. I kicked its little paper bin away, and its metallic rattling echoed through the basement. Since Spike moved out, I didn't have to worry about making noise.

You drop a very small, very critical piece of information here. Considering this is chapter one, I can easily assume you'll expand on this piece latter. Otherwise, I'm left with a lot of confusion revolving around this point.

For all his madness, he still possessed the physical capabilities of an old pony. An old pony who spent his last week taking a dirt nap. Not a challenge for the awesome Rainbow Dash.

I think this meant to be Rainbow Dash's projected understanding of her opponent, but it doesn't mesh very well with the next paragraph.

I was angry again. Angry that this thing tried to kill me, even though all I wanted was to help. Angry that the potion worked, but didn't do what I wanted. This was an insult! A slap in the face from lady fortune, destiny, or something, anything. Anything that wasn't me. This was out of my control. Had to be.

You may have missed an indent here. Also, I really like how Rainbow's outburst was described, particularly the part where we skipped straight to the aftermath after being inside her head for the action. However, I think that starting with 'again' here feels a bit wonky.

I think that's all I have for problems with the story. I believe I found some typos, though.

“Now then...” Twilight began. Somewhere on a high shelf, there was a scurrying noise, and an empty glass crashed to the ground, breaking in myriad pieces. “What was that?”

Not sure what was going on here, but it reads weird. It could be that a word was left out, it could be that I've never seen this phrase before, or it could be that I'm dead tired, but it's weird.

“You know what the manticore extract is for?” she asked. Rainbow was supposed to know. She didn't. “You remember what happened to my feather?” Twilight continued. “It stops that.” Twilight caught to her chest and groaned.

Above-stated reasons apply here as well.

Lastly, my least favorite line in the chapter:

Sweetie Belle stood there, eyes wide and breath taken.

Sweetie Belle out of nowhere. Yes, I know that...thing was wailing about all over the place. Yes, I know that a lot of ruckus and racket was raised. But Sweetie Belle out of nowhere. :derpytongue2:


I really hope this helps somehow. I have equally high hopes it doesn't discourage you! I still find your word choice and scene coloration delectable, and I'd love to see where this story goes.

...I think I'll go take a nap now and try to wrap my head around how I just wrote out all of that. :unsuresweetie:

Rainbow Dash as a mad scientist?

All of my yes.

...so this did make the feature box. The mature-filtered one, anyway. Huh. That's a pleasant surprise to come back to. And lots of comments, oh my.


4924519
I make no promises. :trollestia:


4924612
Dubstep and remixes aren't usually my thing, but this was quite nice. Thank you. Although I'm not sure how it relates to the fic... :unsuresweetie:


4925051
As discussed elsewhere in the comments, saying that Rainbow is out of character is highly debatable. I didn't feel she was OOC. But then there's no real way to tell, is there? Not like we'll ever see our beloved ponies deal with death. Probably too dark for the show. Hence fanfiction. Crazy, crazy fanfiction.


4925131
4926658
I hope the fic will be to your liking. :twilightsmile:


4925378
The title is a deliberate play on Herbert West - Re-Animator, and the re-animation injection works similarly. Even the title of the first chapter is a reference to a line from the film. That said, this is not a crossover, and the plot doesn't have anything to do with the original short story or the film. They're an obvious and unabashed inspiration, and I don't try to hide their influence, but this fic is its own story in its own setting.

As for tone, I was going for the cheese and campiness of the film, as opposed to the darkness of the short story. This is not a horror fic; first and foremost, it's intended to be mindless, stupid fun. Again, more in vein of the film.


4926074
The reason I put them into one chapter is that neither half would work properly without the other, I feel. If they were separate chapters, I'd just have to post them at the same time anyway. Plus the next chapter is still very much part of the "introduction" (it will explain how Sweetie came to be there), and splitting the intro into 3 parts rather than 2 wasn't something I wanted to do.

And this way, the first chapter showcases how POV switches are handled in the story -- because that will be a thing. Better show it early, and make sure everyone gets what happened.


4926185
I don't think I could've articulated it so thoroughly, but that was basically my logic. Rainbow Dash is brash, prone to make bad decisions, and very intuitive in how she behaves. It gets especially bad when she's confident.

I know everyone hates the Mare Do Well episode, but I do feel that the bit with the balloon was a genuine character moment for Rainbow. She was convinced she could catch the pony in time, only to fail to do so. That is pretty much what happened here.

And yes, like I've stated above, I am going for that camp appeal. How successfully isn't for me to judge.


4926402
Thank you for that in-depth comment. Hmm. I might go back and change a few words around -- alter phrasing here or there. I'm not sure how much it'll help, though. If you felt the tone of the fic was off, that's probably a sign of a deeper problem which will take some thinking to fix. Again, thank you for coming out and saying it. I have to know there's something wrong before I can fix it.

As for Spike and anything related to the implied time skip, there will be a sufficient amount of explanation, I should hope. Not like there's much to explain; bad things happened, Twilight is missing, ponies are afraid, and Rainbow's cracked.

---

Wow, that's... a much greater response than I anticipated. Sorry for everyone that doesn't like the fic, or takes issue with it being in the feature box. Understand that this fic is primarily meant to be fun, not to be a thought-provoking emotional journey. But then, my previous big fic started out just the same, and a lot of people ended up liking it.

We'll see where this goes.

Awesome. I wonder how RD is going to spin this to Sweetie Belle.

4926725
4926074
Alright, thanks for that. I must watch that movie one of these days... Anyway, when I read the story, I'll let you know what I think of it!

4926725
Um, okay. I can understand the logic, but you have 7100 words to work with here. Having an individual chapter per POV based on material thus far would make more sense, especially as each part is so large and distinct. (I like my story chapters in bite-sized pieces, but that's me.) It's not like you're perspective hopping after a couple hundred words where that could be jarring if that were the case. I'm currently writing a story where that is the case and wouldn't divide it up like I'm suggesting for here for that reason. Each half of this is large and coherent enough to be solidly presented as its own chapter.

If you are Switching to Sweetie for chapter 3, I think that will actually introduce some unevenness to this presentation, unless you are planning to have an RD section as a second half of it to keep uniformity.

4927162
See the first movie without question. It's a landmark in horror cinema for a good reason and Jeffrey Combs is rightly infamous for his Herbert West role. Bride is weaker overall, a bit more nonsensical, does not have the perfect pitch of black humor the first one does. Beyond Re-animator actually isn't too bad. It's got some of the darkness back, and Combs is in top form as West, but story elements are weaker than the first.

4927678 I think it works well. As seen in Night Shift, it helps prevent a jarring sense and allows JawJoe to change POVs in action without feeling like there was a disconnect.

4926725 You're welcome. :twilightsmile: The chorus in particular is the main thing, but there's a part in the middle that really hits home too from Rainbow's perspective.

Anyhoo, I know comments here have been pretty mixed, and there seems to be a number of people just being rude or mean (I mean wow, look at all the red thumbs flying around the comments alone :twilightoops:), but I think your quality of writing here is excellent. Keep it up! :rainbowdetermined2:

I award to thee, a moustache. Wear it with pride. :moustache:

4929136
Hm... I'm now convinced this is how every unlikely musical is made! For example, Evil Dead the Musical. (Yes, that's a thing)

4929472
It is indeed a thing and it is awesome. Everyone should see it, and try and sit in the splatter zone. Wear something nice.

4929472
If only. Unfortunately, one good song does not a good musical make, although that doesn't stop people from writing them.

...DANG...I usually try to avoid gore and violence, but this was just...
...It's a train wreck my friend, and one that I'll be watching to the end. :pinkiecrazy:

I am intrigued. Poor, scarred for life, Sweetie Belle. When do they pull out the chainsaw?:pinkiehappy:

Eh, Rainbow seems perfectly in character... but Sweetie Belle seems a bit more callous than i remember.

Ah, bringing in a dash of Pet Cemetery now. Delightful.

Two issues, though. First, Dash catching Sweetie is a bit of a problem. When Sweetie comes in the first time you describe the passage as very narrow. Even when Dash is pursuing her it's described as too small to fly through. Yet after she catches her, Dash is able to use her wings to float them back down.

Second, the line "On our way down to the basement," makes no sense, as Sweetie would be at the top of the main staircase, and you describe Rainbow as standing "in the middle of the room" the line before. Given this all already is happening in the basement, that needs fixing.

4932745
This doesn't all happen in the basement. After Rainbow catches Sweetie, she takes her up to the library.

Rainbow moved through the basement and up the other set of stairs, into the library.

Rainbow lets Sweetie go, and Sweetie bolts for the door. She realises it's locked. At that point, Rainbow is standing in the middle of the room -- the library room. Then she escorts Sweetie back down.

I stood by the door for a little while. I pulled again, fully knowing it wouldn't open. Rainbow stood in the middle of the room, calmly, hoof out. She beckoned, and I had to give in. I wasn't getting out of there.

I thought that was all clear enough. Evidently I need to clean up my language... I'll get to that before releasing chapter 3.

4932862
*Reads section again* My apologies, you are correct about my second point. In my haste to get through it I hadn't noticed that line. That would explain the reading table, but I took that as just something stored/moved to the basement. I would never have figured that RD would have dragged Sweetie all the way upstairs for this, I just figured she'd have taken her back into the basement proper, especially with all the fuss Sweetie was making. A little more elaboration on the location shift would help I think, either with the use of "library" once or twice more or Sweetie thinking about making a break out the windows now that she's above ground.

How did sweetie belle break the cats neck, that was not established how

4936626 Usually riding a scooter over a cat after falling off a staircase does it.

Sweetie rides off staircase.
Opal is at bottom of said staircase.
???
Dead cat.

4936950 *goes back to reread the last chapter* Ok now I just plain feel silly, it does say

Well then. Can't wait for the next chapter! :pinkiecrazy:

You certainly have a way with stories.

I started reading this story on a morbid whim, thinking I'll probably end up giving it a Thumb Down and move on.
Now I'm engrossed. I feel for Sweetie. I feel for RD. I want to see what happens. :twilightoops:
Oh, bonus points for Dead Twilight. She sometimes annoys me somethin' fierce.

Nice new chapter. Really enjoying where this is going so far.

Well, this is one of the most unique stories I've read in a while. The story is going pretty well so far, but I did spot two flubs.
Near the beginning of the chapter, Sweetie Belle says "I climbed into Rainbow's chair, inspecting the her workdesk." The her workdesk?
Lose the "the".
Later, Rarity says "And you think I didn't see, picking, you picking flowers when I asked to check the Everfree?"
Picking, you picking flowers?
Apart from that, this is a weird but nice story so far.

Hoping for a zombie outbreak here preaty soon, but good so far

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