• Member Since 17th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Gundamdragon


E

Eque, home of the magical beings of many species. Ponies, Griffins, Dragons, and so on. But the thirst for knowledge is unyielding, wanting to travel the among the stars...though, it all went wrong, when a mission, ignites a war without understanding.

Can the war end with Understanding, or Which side will take it all.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 37 )

You may want to concider a proofreader.

Comment posted by Pony-Fighter deleted Apr 9th, 2014

4208386

I should I've been busy and I want to get this done, I'm just a newb at this. :fluttercry:

I haven't done concrit for a while and I'm listening to Gundam music atm, so I might as well give this a runthrough.

First off: Get a Mobile Suit as the cover art! It's much more eye-catching to have an actual Mobile Suit instead of... whatever that is. After reading edit: Perhaps Sazabi? Something like this:
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110829012149/gundam/images/archive/5/52/20111025202915!Sazabi_gunpla.jpg

Author's note at the top. That's alright, but they're kinda jarring. I prefer 'em at the bottom. Also, we can tell it's anthro from the tags, no need to repeat it! (We also know it's a Gundam fic, so you can cut the "Gundam fanfiction" beneath the note.)

lavender mare alicorn

pls no

Lavender unicorn syndrome is the term for what you just did. We know waht Twilight looks like so cutting down and just saying "Twilight Sparkle" is much, much better. It's better to use LUS sparingly.

Also present tense (has, walks) isn't a very popular tense. Most - including me - prefer past tense (had, walked). Past is much better to write in, so if you can, rewrite and stick to past.

that is when a pink mare

"That is when" is unnecessary, it can be removed.

Rainbow Dash isn't cyan.

In the vehicle they are actually in...is actually a small shuttle

Repetitive. Something like "They are actually in a small shuttle" would work better, if you're intent on keeping present tense.

So, the crystals are from the Crystal Empire, but it's thanks to the Griffons that they can use them? How does this work?

The Mobile Suits in this sound like the Mobile Fighters from G Gundam. I can dig that.

You should add a scene transition marker (0-0-0) in between them on the ship and the guy waking up.

Chris Frontal? Related to Full Frontal?

Writing accents might be fun, but it's annoying to read. Just say their speech is accented and we can pick it up from there.

Again, a transition marker would be appreciated for the next few scenes. Rather jarring.

I thought they were Equ Suits, not Mobile Suits. Stick to one term so you don't confuse people.

Rainbow Dash follows sweet

Is sweet supposed to be there?

Anyway, interesting start. If you go to the "GROUPS" tab next to your name, you can search "Edit" or "Editor" and find plenty of groups that can aid in proof/prereading and editing to make this less rough and more palatable.

Also, this seems to be a U.C. crossover (Am I right?) so calling it "Gundam U.C.: Distant Crossing" would be much appreciated. I thought this was going to be Gundam with ponies, not a simple X into Y universe crossover, which was mildly disappointing.

I'll upvote and put into read later, though. There's some good ideas in here, and I think with a prereader you can get the quality much higher.

4209368 Thank you very much Satsuki, I'll try my best the next time, and thank you for the photo, I'll try to find something more gundam.

Please oh please have Sunset and Trixie in this 2 hell I'll let you use my gundam designs and you can use my oc as a 3rd for there team if you want. Also loving this. If you want I can ask around or look for pony themed gundams. Like this derpicdn.net/img/2014/3/28/587507/medium.jpeg

4210243 Uh hm, I have thought about it, I guess I could use more inspiration. Sure, ask around if you like mail me your OC, and I will concider the two coming along, I need something for inspiration.

4208745 I just gotta know if ur ponies are anthro it would be so fitting

4545389

though looking into this futhur with my co-writer, we are not doing an anthro no more, so sorry. :pinkiegasp::fluttercry::applecry:

So I take it you were referencing the end of hostilities in U.C.93?

Wow feather funnels, I haven't thought about those since I was doing Mobile suit table top gaming.

I have to say that the crude language isn't in character for Megan. You also still have a ton of spelling issues to clear up. Nicely done all the same though.

4718344

It is from my co-writer, and to answer your other questions, I'm just winging it to make a story like this?

4721489 There is some thing to be said for that, but you also should take advantage of as much information as you can find to be as consistent as you can be. I talked to Gundam about it after reading the chapter last night, he hasn't said anything about it yet. But he did ask me to look and see if Megan was in character, in the mean time I shall continue to watch this story, it's actually interesting.:yay:

4721516

mostly thank him, I just put on a topic is all.

4721576 Yeah Gundam can be very helpful, though his ideas need to be toned down sometimes. He has been Helping me with Echos of Dream Valley too.

Gah! This is so full of spelling and grammar errors, it's hard to read.

If I'm not mistaken, I believe this story was 'written' via a 'speech-to-text voice recognition program. It would explain many of the homonym errors. Also he must have a bit of an odd accent.

The suit itself kept trying to grab its chats pics only for its hand to be swatted by a black cyclops suit.

"chest piece"

7521026 um actually I spell how it sounds if I don't know the words.....

his subconscious working the balls.

I know this is really immature but......

7690163 I understand I'm not editing it out cause its a long standing joke with the old ball packs for Gmsuits.

7690336 i know i know what your referring to but come on!

"Warrant officer Brady send out your Balls!"

"Pffffftttt!"

"Stop laughing!"

7690502 anyone wanting to kick ass in a gm we need balls of steel.

You did an excellent job. Keep up the good work.

9196627
working on it have serval stories so I will get around to this.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!